Diehard MTV News Fan Only Going to Megadeth Show to Hear First Five Seconds of “Peace Sells”

Posted on by Steve Packosky

BOSTON — Lifelong fan of MTV News commercial segments Randy Colefell found himself going to see thrash metal legends Megadeth just to hear the opening bassline to their 1986 hit “Peace Sells,” sources report.

“I grew up getting all my news from MTV,” Colefell said. “Every time I heard the opening riff to ‘Peace Sells’ along with that spinning sphere, I knew Tabitha Soren or John Norris was going to give me the latest update on Lollapalooza or the aftermath of the Columbine massacre. As soon as I read that Megadeth was coming to town, I knew I just had to go see them so I could experience that iconic bassline in person. I have no real interest in seeing the band aside from the beginning of that one song, so I’m probably going to head out as soon as I’ve heard it. To be completely honest, I really can’t stand the sound of Dave Mustaine’s voice. Seems like MTV News put this band on the map.”

Colefell’s friend Rosie Willowbrook expressed her displeasure at his actions.

“Listen, I love MTV News as much as anyone else,” Willowbrook commented. “I just think if you’re going to spend 150 bucks on a ticket to a metal show, you should at least stick around for the whole thing. I know Megadeth’s live shows have been pretty lacking in recent years, but it’ll still be sick to hear ‘Holy Wars’ and ‘In My Darkest Hour’ live. Going just to hear the first five seconds of a song that’s not really that great to begin with just seems like a waste of time to me.”

Megadeth bassist James LoMenzo reacted to Colefell’s behavior.

“Listen, it’s cool that this guy can’t wait to hear me lay down that bass line,” LoMenzo provided. “I just wish he was every bit as excited to hear the rest of our set. Granted, we’re not going to play any of our other songs that have sick bass solos, like ‘Take No Prisoners,’ but we’ll be playing a few good tunes that he should stick around for. If you overlook ‘À Tout le Monde,’ you can really enjoy our set. I wasn’t even in the band when ‘Peace Sells’ was written and recorded, so I can’t even be flattered by this dude only wanting to hear that.”

At press time, Colefell left in disgust after Kurt Loder failed to appear after the first five seconds of “Peace Sells.”

JD Vance Pumped to Be Getting Two Christmases

Posted on by Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — Vice President JD Vance can barely conceal his excitement at the prospect of getting “Two whole Christmases!” this year in light of the recent explosive rift between Donald Trump and Elon Musk, sources claim.

“Look, I understand the severity of the situation, and nobody wants Daddy and Daddy to stop fighting more than me, but if they do get divorced, that means I get a whole Christmas at the Mara Lago, and a whole Christmas at Elon’s house!” beamed the vice president to a crisis counselor called in to check on him. “And the best part is I heard that when grown-ups get divorced, they give even better Christmas presents than before! I might get a national abortion ban and a Switch 2! I mean, actually I get three Christmases if you count mean Auntie Melania’s White House party but ugh, so boring!”

While Trump’s inner circle reacts to the split in a multitude of ways, the DNC wasted no time capitalizing on the rift, trolling Trump with a free child pornography truck parked outside GOP headquarters.

Conservative Man Who is Afraid of Cities Mocks 22-Year-Old Girl Sailing Into Warzone

Posted on by Tim Graham

BELVEDERE, Ill. — Self-described ‘ultraMAGA patriot’ Gill Stevenson relentlessly criticized Greta Thunberg as she makes another attempt to bring aid to Gaza, according to sources.

“It’s just more performative grandstanding from Thunberg twerp,” said Stevenson while en route to get a deep tissue massage. “I’ve seen the pictures of her on that boat—it’s all a photo-op staged by the antisemitic liberal media. I saw an X post saying she’s really just delivering food, booze, and new Nintendo Switches to Hamas leaders. Want to know about courage? Real courage is my cousin Tony, who just last week went into Chicago to pick up a Peloton bike he saw on Craigslist. He paid in cash, and it wasn’t even a nice part of Chicago—it was on the South Side!”

Dr. Gabriel Boucher, who works with Doctors Without Borders, says actually seeing the situation in Gaza would humble people like Stevenson.

“Mr. Stevenson is one of these, how do you say, ‘keyboard warriors’?” said Dr. Boucher as he took a break from loading medical supplies into a truck. “These Americans like to sit with their phones, eating their cheeseburgers, drinking 144oz buckets of soda, all while daring to criticize brave young people like Ms. Thunberg. This man would not last five minutes in Gaza. I invite Mr. Stevenson to join me on my next trip. We will see who is brave when his Oakleys are knocked off his face by the concussion from a US-made 2,000-pound bomb that Israel dropped on a children’s hospital.”

Psychologist Edgar Feynman says Stevenson’s motives are pretty obvious.

“Mr. Stevenson is ashamed of his own cowardice, so he feels compelled to lash out when he is confronted with actual examples of human bravery,” said Feynman. “Ms. Thunberg’s selfless acts, which put her own life at serious risk, challenge Mr. Stevenson’s desired view of himself as a tough ‘alpha male.’ If he were interested in addressing his anger and feelings of inferiority, I would be glad to help with some exposure therapy. I’ve had good results using virtual reality simulations of walking around urban environments. We would work our way up to actually visiting a real city neighborhood and getting lunch at a local non-chain diner.”

At press time, Stevenson had reportedly changed the graphic on his F150’s tailgate from a hogtied Joe Biden to a hogtied Greta Thunberg.

Instagram Hiatus Broken for 498th Day in a Row

Posted on by Ben Friedman

BROOKLYN — Local man Dan Flemming was forced to explain to friends why, despite a repeatedly publicized hiatus from Instagram, he has been using the app for 498 days in a row since his initial departure, confirmed sources.

“I quit Instagram over a year ago after it became clear a vast majority of my feed was just brain rot and fear mongering. It’s just that I’ve needed to pop on real quick now and then to check on a few accounts for almost 500 days but that doesn’t mean the ban isn’t still technically in effect,” said Flemming. “Look, small businesses need engagement and I can’t risk missing a funny meme someone might send me. So I just jump on briefly and as soon as I’ve finished six hours of doomscrolling, the hiatus is back on. It was meant to be more of a symbolic break, not a literal one.”

Fleming’s friends were quickly getting tired of his excuses.

“You know for someone who announced for a week straight that he was leaving Instagram, he sure does send a whole lot of Reels and reads exactly zero books like he promised he would,” said Victor Nuñez. “Honestly I stopped caring after day 200, and I’m starting to think he doesn’t know what the word hiatus means. Personally, I think it was less of a proclamation and more of a cry for help. At this rate if he wants to cut out Insta he’s going to have to go full Unibomer and live in a desolate shack in the woods without any technology.”

Meta engineers acknowledged Flemming is one of many who have tried to take a break from their platform.

“Meta is well aware of the challenges that have arisen from a nonstop onslaught of influencer content, bad right-wing memes, and advertisements for things irrelevant to users’ interests. However, our platforms are optimized to never, ever let users leave,” said Xander Allen. “Go ahead and close out the app, you’re just going to open it back up in 30 seconds anyway. Hiatus? Give me a break. Where else are they going to get dopamine, by making real emotional connections in person? Users can leave any time they want, but deep down everyone is compelled to share what they had for dinner last night.”

As of press time, Flemming announced he will leave Instagram for good as soon as he receives a response from all the goth models he’s been DMing.

5 Thrash Bands You Might as Well Check Out Since You Don’t Know How To Patch the Hole in Your Only Pair of Jeans

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Welp, your sole pair of Wranglers that you wear to work, shows, dates, restaurants, and even funerals now has a hole in it. We would advise patching it up, but you certainly don’t have the mental wherewithal for that. Instead, we’ll introduce you to 5 lesser-known thrash metal bands so you can at least adopt the lifestyle you’re now cluelessly appropriating. What else are you going to do, buy a new pair? Yeah right.

Hirax
These Orange County thrashers have released 6 full-length LPs since — sorry, how old are you? How have you made it this far in life without obtaining a simple sewing kit? We’re happy to introduce you to all these killer bands, but honestly, you need to get your shit together. Anyway, Hirax’s first album dropped in 1985, and they’re still going strong today. Check them out if you’re not going to comport yourself like a fucking adult.

Razor
Let’s go north of the border to check out these Ontario psychos, but first, what exactly were you doing when you got that gigantic hole above the left knee? We’re just hard-pressed to understand how a grown man can find himself in this situation. At any rate, Razor is sick as fuck. We really like “Violent Restitution” and “Shotgun Justice,” but honestly, you can’t go wrong with any of their efforts if you’re going to insist on continuing with this charade.

Xentrix
Are you even enjoying these bands so far? Be honest. Thrash metal isn’t for everybody, so it’s okay if you don’t, and there is a very simple alternative to this. No? Okay, well Xentrix is a lamentably overlooked British band that would definitely appeal to casual thrashers who have only really listened to Metallica. You have checked out the first 4 Metallica albums, right? No? Ugh, Jesus Christ. Well, Xentrix is an awesome band. Go ahead and check them out, we guess.

Tankard
Hell yeah. Tankard has put out a whopping 19 full-length albums since they formed in 1983. They’re from Germany, and we’re willing to bet they know how to sew, so maybe you should give them a listen. Then again, you’ve never even heard “Master of Puppets,” so you know what? Do whatever you want. We can’t believe we still have another band left.

Sunn O)))
The fact that you’re seriously reading this shows we’ve completely wasted our time here. Sunn O))) is a drone metal band, which is clearly the opposite of thrash. Close this article and fix your fucking pants. Now.

Weird! Manowar Not Getting Girlfriend in the Mood

Posted on by Steve Packosky

FRESNO, Calif. — You expressed confusion over the band Manowar’s inability to get your girlfriend in the mood for sexual intercourse, sources report.

“I don’t get it,” you lamented. “I lit some candles and put on ‘Kings of Metal’ thinking it was a sure-fire way to get laid tonight. I even tacked the picture from the album’s liner notes of the band standing shirtless over the bed, but the only thing I got for this was a confused look and several requests to put on literally any other band. Maybe I just don’t understand women as much as I thought I did. I mean, this definitely would have worked on me. Maybe I should have sprung for a bottle of nice wine instead of a case of Red Dog, or at the very least washed my sheets.”

Your girlfriend Brenda Geedey reiterated her confusion over your actions.

“Wait, he actually thought that was going to get me in the mood?” Geedey asked while laughing in disbelief. “Are you fucking shitting me? Playing that super cheesy power metal while showing me pictures of those greased up shirtless guys from the ‘80s was supposed to make me horny? Ugh, and those lyrics were the absolute worst. ‘Pleasure Slave?’ I think I actually threw up in my mouth at one point. Jesus Christ. I thought he was playing some kind of weird joke on me that wasn’t landing. Now that I know that was a genuine effort in seduction, I may need to start looking for another romantic partner. Hell, even KISS would have worked better than that.”

Sociologist Raisa Mevvich provided some input on the situation.

“Given how grossly inept metalheads are with women, it is absolutely staggering that any of them have ever managed to procreate,” Mevvich said. “Their profound failure to comprehend that sick riffs and lyrics about dragons won’t automatically win the favor of the opposite sex is something that has surprised me in case study after case study. The number of accounts I’ve read wherein a metal fan has tried to impress a woman by playing Blind Guardian’s ‘Nightfall in Middle Earth’ would astound you. Honestly, most metalheads would fare better romantically if they just stood still at all times without opening their mouths, but they just can’t seem to help themselves.”

At press time, you had decided to switch to Immortal to see if that would work.

Man Records Rant About Gas Prices While Idling in Truck for 20 Minutes

Posted on by Justin Cummings

NEWARK, Ohio — Local man John Regan went on a 20-minute tirade about gasoline prices while live streaming from his F150 pickup truck with the engine running, confirmed eye-rolling sources.

“I got my license in 2002, but I’ve been driving since the ‘90s and prices haven’t stopped going up,” said Regan while wearing his sunglasses on the back of his head. “I remember when a gallon of gas was less than a gallon of iced tea. It was less than spring water. It’s like a man can’t sit alone in his $80,000 pickup truck while broadcasting his thoughts on Facebook anymore without paying an arm and a leg for fuel. Hopefully all of these hybrids and electric cars will decrease the demand for gas, leaving more for me so I’m not spending my entire paycheck at the pump.”

Madison Brooks, a sophomore at Ohio State University, accidentally clicked on her uncle’s live icon when she was checking on the fixed gear bike she was selling on Marketplace.

“Uncle Johnny has always been kind of entertaining. Thanksgiving dinner is usually painful, but he adds color commentary to the discussion,” said Brooks. “Even so, I really don’t understand who they are or why there are three people that have been watching his live stream for 17 minutes. I could only stand 30 seconds of his stream, but he was off the rails yapping about Sunoco stations and cabals. Makes sense that he’s been divorced three times already.”

Fuel Economist Vance Crayton from Crayton, Peyton & Associates was well-aware of Regan’s concerns about rising gas prices.

“When you factor in geopolitical issues, inflation, and the cost of fossil fuels, it isn’t very wise to commute to your office job in a gas guzzling pickup truck, let alone leave it running,” said Crayton. “Those should be used for towing, hauling, and other heavy duty activities. In fact, while sitting in his truck idling for 20 minutes, Mr. Regan used nearly half of a gallon of gas. There’s got to be a more fuel-efficient place for him to live stream his rants, like maybe a Prius.”

At press time, Regan was seen ranting about socialism despite receiving unemployment benefits for all year.

Help! I Invited Coworkers To See My Band and They Actually Showed Up

Posted on by Ben Friedman

If there’s one golden rule that I follow, it’s not letting on to anyone I work with that I’m in a band. When I mentioned I played bass at my last job, I had three different coworkers mansplaining the difference between playing legato versus staccato for my entire lunch break. Needless to say, no one within the confines of this marketing firm needs to know I’m in a grindcore band, unless they want to make awkward small talk regarding writing songs about throwing people in woodchippers.

Which is why, as I peer from behind the stage curtains to see our first audience consisting of more than three people, I realize I’d royally screwed up earlier by inviting my coworkers to my gig tonight because they actually followed through and showed up.

I only invited everyone to the gig as a joke excuse for getting out of staying late to finish up the quarterly reports. Like I literally said, come on down to this dive bar if you want to have nightmares and hearing problems for a week. I didn’t think they’d actually take me up on it! Christ, even my boss is here. Shouldn’t he be more worried about getting those numbers to corporate instead of supporting the local arts?

Of course, the one time I work somewhere that tells me they’re “like a family”, they actually follow through and support me like one. Why couldn’t they be like my real family and say I’m wasting my time? Now I have Cheryl from accounting actually hitting the venue’s two beer minimum and cheering my name. She’s 70 years old and about to retire. I think our band might actually kill her. Am I supposed to thank Megan, fresh off maternity leave, for coming out to support Baby Blender?

Actually, it might be fun to play to a crowd that doesn’t solely consist of the bartenders. Plus, maybe one of the guys in finance has a cousin who works at a record label! What the hell am I saying, we’re in a Midwest suburb! The most intense music they’ve ever been exposed to is Foo Fighters.

All my other bandmate’s coworkers are normal and lied about being too busy to come tonight the lucky bastards. Maybe when I get called into HR tomorrow I can convince them that this was all part of some Youtube prank show.

Ah, who am I kidding? I’m fucking fired.

Lazy Vinyl Collector Well-Versed in First Half of Classic Albums

Posted on by Jason Clemence

FRAMINGHAM, Mass. — Self-described “audiophile” and “vinyl junkie” Jerry Cordman possesses encyclopedic knowledge of the first half of countless masterful albums, a unique trait that acquaintances attribute to his near-pathological laziness, confirmed sources.

“There’s nothing more relaxing than spinning side one of a musical masterpiece, finally gathering your strength to walk 10 feet to the turntable, forgetting the album is only half over, and putting on something altogether different,” said Cordman, as he prepared for an immersive listen to Wu-Tang’s “The 36 Chambers” that would inevitably not include “C.R.E.A.M.” or “Wu-Tang Clan Ain’t Nuthing ta Fuck Wit.” “Name a classic album, and I guarantee you can find it on my shelf among my 3,000-and-counting vinyl collection. What’s more, I can tell you the most obscure details about the first five or so tracks.”

Cordman, who is unaware of the existence of a Slayer song called “Raining Blood,” is a frequent source of irritation for his live-in girlfriend Shannon Beckett.

“It’s ridiculous,” said Beckett. “I’ll hear the first half of Nirvana’s ‘Nevermind’ playing, followed by 20 minutes of the sound of the needle scraping the dead wax. I’ll go into the living room to find him just sacked out on the couch. After listening to his detailed monologue about how it’s a shame ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ is the most iconic song on the album when ‘In Bloom’ is clearly superior. I mentioned that my favorite track is ‘On a Plain’ and he looked at me like I had three heads and asked me if that was on ‘Incesticide.’ When he finally got his ass off the couch, he put ‘Nevermind’ away and broke out ‘The Velvet Underground & Nico.’ I swear he doesn’t even know there’s a song on there called ‘Heroin,’ but he can wax eloquent about ‘Femme Fatale’ all day long.”

Social Psychologist Lena Marx confirmed that this phenomenon is not uncommon.

“Lots of music fans want the cachet of collecting and listening to vinyl,” said Marx. “But the actual effort of flipping the record doesn’t produce anywhere near the same level of dopamine as selecting a new album and carefully removing it from its sleeve while filing away the last one in whatever annoying organizational system they’ve decided on. It’s almost as though the appeal of vinyl collecting is more about elitism than audio quality.”

At press time, Cordman was vehemently insisting to his father that there most definitely is not a Beatles song called “A Day in the Life.”

Suicides Among ICE Agents Reach Alarmingly Low Numbers

Posted on by Jennifer Donovan

WASHINGTON — The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) revealed that ICE agents just aren’t killing themselves, despite being complete and utter dickbags with zero respect for human life, confirmed sources.

“While our agents are found to suffer from mental health issues at the same rate as other Americans, they seem to be immune to self-introspection and totally incapable of empathy for others,” said law enforcement psychologist Dr. Susan Manzo. “Unfortunately, people who ultimately end up taking their own lives tend to be kind, loving people who leave enormous holes in the lives of the loved ones they leave behind. Basically the opposite of the type of people who choose to become ICE agents. Our agents exist solely to make the world a worse place, and they intend on sticking around to do so, despite the rest of humanity wishing they would just go ahead and take themselves out.”

Local teen James Nelson went no-contact with his father after he became an active ICE agent again this year when he heard about the unchecked force he’d be encouraged to use under President Trump.

“Every time the phone rings I worry that it’s THE call,” said 17-year-old Nelson. “I fear that it’s my dad and he still hasn’t killed himself. It just comes with the territory when your father is in that line of work. You never know what day will be his last but you can be sure it isn’t going to be soon enough. Here’s hoping my luck turns around and my dad offs himself.”

Kelly Walters, neuroscientist and professor of psychiatry, has spent decades studying the brains of serial killers, sociopaths, and men with personalities built around protein supplements.

“We expected we may find answers for the lack of moral development in the prefrontal cortex but we were shocked to find anomalies that go far beyond the brain,” said Walters. “We gave full body MRIs to a large number of ICE agents and discovered that inside their chest cavity, where we would see a heart in an ordinary person, is actually just a screaming void. You could actually hear it through the image which was really quite astounding.”

At press time, NIMH revealed that they would be opening a Suicide Encouragement Hotline, specifically for ICE agents who feel good about what they do for a living.

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