Review: Meechy Darko “Gothic Luxury”

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

“Gothic Luxury” marks the solo debut release for rapper Meechy Darko, best known for his previous work with hip-hop trio Flatbush Zombies. It also marks the first time that any artist whose work I’m reviewing has responded to my request for an interview, which is a momentous occasion.

I rolled up to our scheduled meeting at a local cafe with a long list of questions for Mr. Darko, who, upon my arrival, was insistent that I call him Demetri. We made small talk for a few minutes, but I cut right to the fucking chase with my question–in keeping with the theme of his new album, what was his favorite piece of gothic literature?

He answered Dracula, which is stupid and obvious, frankly, and unfortunately, I had consumed so much coffee by that point that I was vibrating with weird energy and proceeded to berate him for his choice. I’m not wrong, dude. That would be like someone asking “who’s your favorite rapper” and replying with Kanye West. Or here’s a better and less dangerous example, saying your favorite baseball team is the Yankees. Shit’s boring.

Demetri then countered that I knew the name of the album was “Gothic Luxury” and not “Gothic Literary,” right? And okay, perhaps that was an oversight on my part, but his answer still sucked!

He then somewhat defensively asked what my favorite piece of gothic literature was since I’m such a smartass, aren’t I? I then cleared my throat and perfectly recited the opening paragraph of the classic “The Castle of Otranto.”

Demetri was pissed and said that me calling his choice of Dracula a “completely predictable and a poser move” was bullshit considering Otranto is considered the OG gothic novel, and even though I was also irritated, I could see where he was coming from.

Ah, fuck, actually, he’s totally right. It became brutally, abundantly clear that I had fucked this up beyond all repair, so after several minutes of stunned silence, I asked if he had ever seen the film “Donnie Darko.”

Demetri proceeded to punch me in the face and leave the interview, but not before paying for my coffee. That was nice of him.

Score: 0/1 successfully completed musician interviews for this website

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Recently Unearthed Rush B-Side “Huck Finn” Has Way More Racial Slurs than “Tom Sawyer”

Posted on by John Danek

MORIN-HEIGHTS, Québec — A newly discovered B-side from legendary prog-rock trio Rush titled “Huck Finn” reportedly contains many more racial slurs than companion hit “Tom Sawyer”, due to direct inspiration from its source material.

“I was digging through our tape archives here at Studio Un when I stumbled upon a box labeled ‘RUSH’ that I had never seen before,” recounted studio engineer Ian Perout, a Gen Z intern just beginning an ill-advised career in music. “The track was named ‘Huck Finn.’ I popped it on our tape deck, hit play, and immediately started crying. It’s the most offensive thing I ever heard. Not only does the novel’s famous Jim character appear frequently, it seems Rush added new characters of almost every race and referred to them exclusively by slurs. I’m so, so sorry for finding it.”

Remaining members of Rush quickly attempted to contain the possibly legacy-shattering contagion of this wildly offensive song.

“We wrote that song around the time our kids started having homework, ‘Huck Finn’ was a way to inspire them to finish book reports,” recalled Rush guitarist, and frequently forgotten person, Alex Lifeson. “We stuck a little too close to the book by making Jim a main character. And we added some additional micks and wops throughout in case the kids got assigned Dante or Joyce. Whoops, I mean Irish and fuckin’ Italians. Regardless, anyone we played the song for hated it, and it started more than one fistfight, so we scrapped it.”

Diehard Rush fans grappled with balancing the excitement of new, classic-era material with the morally repugnant nature of the lyrics.

“Do I want to hear new Rush tunes? Yes. But a teacher already made us read Huckleberry Finn in 7th grade, and as the only Black kid in the class, I don’t seek that feeling again,” admitted Anthony Wilkins, who has seen Rush live over 15 times. “So I’m not sure. At this point, I’m in my 40s, and the prospect of a new Rush song is by far the only thing I’ve had to look forward to in almost five years. Don’t judge me.”

Rush’s legacy faced further tarnishment, after Neil Peart diary entries indicate they may have been working on a concept double-album defending the unreliable narrator Humber Humbert in Nabokov’s “Lolita.”

Mommy Had Her Turn, Here’s Why Daddy Should Kiss Santa This Year

Posted on by Nick Lundquist

It was 1:30 am when I heard a familiar thump in the night. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and, Teddy Bear in hand, went to investigate the hushed whispers coming from the downstairs of my family home, fairly certain of what I would find. Sure enough, it was Mommy, swapping spit with Old Saint Nick.

He was really getting in there. I don’t know if Santa’s been taking Cialis, working out or what but his T-levels were clearly higher than they had been in recent years, and mom was into it.

As I watched my mother become enthralled by the sexual prowess of Ol’ Kris Kringle, not for the first time lord knows but with newly adult eyes, I couldn’t help but wonder “What about Daddy?”

We’re supposedly living in enlightened times where archaic gender norms are discarded. Why then is this supposedly jolly old gift-giver not give Daddy more attention? Why exactly does Mommy get all of Santa’s kisses every single year?

Santa is an immortal being with centuries of love-making know-how under his sizeable belt. If this truly is the season of giving, then why is my poor, hard-working father deprived of Santa’s master-level tongue boxing year after year?

Every year since I was 5 years old I’ve crept onto this landing with my teddy bear and watched Father Christmas go to town on my lusty mom, and to be honest, it’s always made me feel a little confused. Now, I finally understand why.

Santa Claus is known far and wide as a benevolent figure of generosity and goodwill, but he’s also become infamous as a master in the timeless art of seduction. Testimonials from Mommies everywhere have consistently shown Kris Kringle ranking highly in frenching, snogging, and over-the-clothes action.

When you think about it, it’s possible that Daddy could even derive more pleasure from Santa’s advances then Mommy does because Santa is a man, and he knows what men like.

How can we as loving children deny our Daddies this kind of sexual experience? For the sake of equality, it is essential that we close the kissing gap. It’s Daddy’s turn to kiss Santa this year. Mommy, stop it. I said stop it. Mommy, stop.

Christmas Break Nowhere Near Enough Time to Fix All of Parent’s Tech Issues

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

INDIANOLA, Iowa — Millennial Jenny Fang was sorely mistaken in thinking five days at her parent’s over Christmas would be enough time to solve the abundance of tech issues plaguing their home, confirmed sources currently on hold with customer service.

“I thought I had it all planned out. First I would tape labels to all of their remotes, I’d show them how to switch the TV input, and I would explain that the ‘free Disney cruise’ email is definitely a scam. Then I’d still have some time to relax and enjoy the holiday. But as soon as I entered the door my dad handed me a cookie tin full of knotted HDMI cables. Clearly, I was in over my head,” explained Fang while running a new Cat5 cable through the attic. “So far this ‘vacation’ I’ve done everything from spending midnight mass ‘putting email’ on my mom’s iPhone to explaining why my dad’s 30-year-old Laserdisc isn’t compatible with modern TVs.”

Fang’s mother, retired home health nurse Evie Fang, was ecstatic to have her daughter home for the holidays.

“It’s a joy to have Jenny under our roof again. For one, that thingy that sits under the stereo, the one that does the thing, has been beeping for the past nine months, and also where’re the shows I Tivo’d? I’m also hoping Jenny finally hauls away her old Nintendo,” explained the Fang matriarch, gesturing to her daughter’s Microsoft XBOX 360. “Maybe Jenny gets frustrated having to set up our printer and explain to us how she doesn’t control ‘the Google,’ but I never complained during 17 hours of labor with her.”

Recognizing a need in the marketplace, tech giant Apple launched a new service to help Millennial and Gen Z children of technologically inept Boomers.

“We at Apple are pleased to announce “Apple Boomer Care+,” said executive Marcus Russell. “Starting at $675 a year, specially trained tech experts will be bridging the culture gap and answering any question your parents may have, no matter how infuriating it is when they can’t grasp that ‘Yellowstone’ isn’t on Netflix. Our team will even stay on the line when a simple issue regarding a Facebook hoax turns into a 45-minute conversation about how some guy from your old neighborhood died.”

At press time, Fang extended her Christmas vacation indefinitely after a family friend gifted her mom and dad an Echo Dot.

Indie Rock Died the Day the O.C. Went off the Air

Posted on by Matt McInerney

Look, I’m sure R.E.M. and The Smiths were good or whatever but the truth is real indie rock was birthed at the Bait Shop, right in the heart of Orange County. And while many bands have tried to revive the genre since, the reality is that indie rock died when The O.C. was canceled.

I’m not some basic loser who got into indie rock after seeing Garden State. I learned everything I know about indie rock from Seth Cohen. While other kids were listening to the radio or watching TRL, I was looking for recommendations from the most legit source I know: the posters on Seth’s bedroom wall.

Those walls featured everyone from Modest Mouse to The Killers and whoever the band with that black-and-white skeleton ghost is.

I can remember every show I ever watched at the Bait Shop. Who can forget the indelible performance from emo-inventors Death Cab For Cutie? And how about indisputable legends, The Walkmen? I mean, I’ve only ever heard one song by them but there are probably others. Absolutely iconic. Oh, and Rooney! They basically defined the genre in season one. Probably the best to ever do it.

It was a magical few years but, sadly, it was short-lived. As the plot lines got thinner, real fans of the genre knew the end was near. Without a bedroom wall for marketing, what was a popular band on a major label supposed to do? It’s not like there was going to be a Garden State 2 soundtrack! As the spotlight faded on bad boys like Brandon Flowers, the music lost its edge. You could say indie rock died when Marissa died. Spoiler alert.

Wait, season three wasn’t the last season? Huh, I guess I never watched the fourth one. Either way, I was pretty bummed for a while when it happened. I flipped channels for hours. Well, until I found Friday Night Lights. What a show! Have you ever heard of post-rock? Oh, you should definitely watch Moneyball and educate yourself.

Four Strangers From Craigslist Meet Up to Play Music Worse Than Anything They Ever Did Alone

Posted on by Char Byram

AKRON, Ohio – A quartet of local musicians brought together through Craigslist with the hopes of starting a band wound up creating substantially worse music as a group than they ever did by themselves, disappointed sources confirm.

“We all have our own styles,” said guitarist Skip Sanchez, who offered his condo with a reportedly “sweet setup” as a practice space. “For instance, I play math jazz, Geff (Baker) usually plays delta blues even though he’s white, Hash (Henry McDermott) is a doom metal drummer, and Jacob (Dracone) does clown punk–don’t ask–so there’s already a decent chance we’re going to suck complete balls. But who could have predicted that a group of random musicians meeting for the first time would create sounds so eclectic they make you want to throw up? I certainly didn’t. And to top it off, I’m being evicted because some of the people from the condo association heard the music in the hallway.”

Sanchez’s neighbor Jeremy Corbett says the sounds coming from next door were worse than anything he’d ever heard before.

“If you can imagine four guys who look like they’ve only ever interacted with people on Reddit at a Guitar Center playing totally disparate genres of songs very aggressively at the same time, you’ll begin to have an idea of the suffering we endured today,” said Corbett. “My children are still crying and asking why they would do that. This is the most horrific shit I’ve ever heard, and I saw a combination KISS/Phish cover band called ‘PISSH’ once.”

Craig Liszt, founder of Craigslist, has seen this play out a regrettable number of times before on his website.

“When I created Craigslist, I knew it would open up a world of possibilities for people trying to connect over a shared interest,” said Liszt. “Unfortunately, sometimes that results in musicians from diverse backgrounds who should never have otherwise met making unconventional music that sounds like absolute garbage. Terrible bands of all shapes and sizes get their start on my site, and while I’m proud to have brought them together, I must say I’m deeply relieved that most of the music created in these practice sessions never sees the light of day.”

As they were loading their gear into coincidentally identical PT Cruisers, the group reported they couldn’t wait to get home to practice solo and never see or contact each other ever again.

Where’s My Medal? I Was Harassing This Celebrity Long Before They Were Canceled

Posted on by Matt McInerney

Oh, I see how it is. Now that you find out he’s an anti-vaxxer and a flat-Earther, now you’re okay with attacking him online. What about all of those years I was harassing this guy before it was the “in” thing to do? Where’s my fucking medal?

Don’t act like you don’t remember. You know exactly what I’m talking about. I used to reply to every single word he tweeted and my replies were horrific. And don’t forget the memes! You can’t tell me that my memes weren’t viscerally shocking. I guess I’m not such an “obsessive weirdo” now that the whole world is doing it too!

Let’s not forget my pièce de résistance. It took me months to teach myself how to build my own AI system, but I did it. Then I used it to create a trail of counterfeit documents and deep-faked interviews that did him in. When I submitted the story to TMZ, it was all over for this asshole. The world would know he’s a monster! And now everyone totally buys that he’s an anti-vaxxer and a flat-Earther!

What I’m trying to say is that it’s a real tragedy here that I’m not being recognized for my work in this space. And no one is praising the endlessly creative ways I trolled this jackass. I got the results I wanted, just not the recognition. Maybe that’s enough, though. Etiher way, that’ll teach him to Tweet a less than favorable comment about Jake Gyllenhaal.

Poser In CBGB Shirt Has Never Been To Urban Outfitters

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

HARTFORD, Conn. — Local man Eric Palermo revealed himself to be a total poser after wearing a CBGB T-shirt despite never stepping foot in an Urban Outfitters, disgusted sources confirmed.

“I used to bartend at CBGB for a few years back in the early 2000s and I stole a box of these shirts so I had something to wear,” said Palermo. “Back in the day people would see the shirt and tell me about the time they saw Warzone and ended up beating down Nazis, or some story about doing cocaine with Johnny Ramone in the ‘80s, but now people ask ‘did they have any funny mugs in stock?’ And I don’t know what they’re talking about. If I’m at a mall wearing the shirt I’ll inevitably get a few dozen people asking for directions to Urban Outfitters, it’s making me go insane.”

Fast fashion enthusiast Ross Herman is one of the many people bothered by Palermo’s flagrant ignorance of the CBGB brand.

“When I saw this guy in a CBGB shirt, I was like, ‘Nice, someone I can talk to about mood candles and tapestries,’” said Herman, a freshman at Trinity College. “I was telling him about my road trip to the flagship store in Philadelphia to buy a Polaroid camera, he immediately tried to change the subject and talk about some bar in New York. He had to be embarrassed. I’d be embarrassed too if I wore a CBGB shirt and didn’t know any basic facts about the place that invented the design. Know your history man. ”

Historian Dr. Eileen McWilliams says she was contacted to help set the record straight about Urban Outfitter’s legacy.

“People have an emotional connection to Urban Outfitters as a cultural touchstone. It’s a space where people discovered their first edgy stocking stuffer, legendary gag gift, or iconoclastic knick-knack,” said Dr. McWilliams. “I’ve worked with management to institute ways to weed out posers buying their merchandise. Anyone who buys an ‘Ithica is Gorges” shirt must prove they have a connection to the Finger Lakes region of New York. If you want to buy a Sublime hoodie you have to show proof of multiple DUIs. And if you buy a CBGB shirt you have to know that Urban Outfitters invented the venue out of whole cloth.”

At press time, an Apple Genius was berating a teenager for wearing a Green Day shirt, despite never setting foot in a Hot Topic.

Win! This Car Comes With Stickers but It’s Somehow Cheaper

Posted on by Richard Circuit

Holy shit, what a steal! I found this ‘04 Ford Taurus that comes with stickers already on it, but it’s selling for way below market price. I’m not even sure how this is possible. And before you ask, yes, the stickers come pre-stuck on the car so no installation is required!

I’m no economist but I’m pretty sure this thing should cost at least the price of the car plus the price of two 18-inch fire decals, a Punisher sticker, an eight-person stick family, and the names of every Democratic presidential ticket since Clinton. Nope! This thing is cheaper than it should be and it’s pre-customized. There’s even one of those cool “S” drawings already on the steering wheel. And I didn’t even have to pay the artist!

Somehow, I’m getting way more for way less. For only a couple grand, I’m getting a car and the personality of a 46-year-old who had a big Dave Matthews Band phase. Did somebody say BOGO? That’s not even mentioning the three lightly-used cigarettes and a cup holder that’s already sticky so your drink will never spill!

I was just expecting a practical budget car, but now I have to get ready for the attention that real car guys get. It’s unbelievably loud, it has those tilted wheels everyone loves, and there’s a small fire that burns out the back of it every time you accelerate or decelerate.

I gotta do some work on it, though. There are a few bits of bumper that are still showing, so I’ll be paying out of pocket for stickers to cover those.

Opinion: Anyone Could Just Go Up There and Scream Like That

Posted on by Chris Bowen

Any old schmuck could just go up on stage and yell like a maniac into a microphone. How much talent could that possibly take? I scream and yell a pretty large portion of my everyday life and I don’t see anyone groveling to me because of it.

I mean, just look at him. He’s up there, hollering and frothing at the mouth for an hour, and the crowd goes wild. Seems pretty goshdarn easy to me. The “music” being just a jumbled mess of noise is bad enough, but having this guy aggressively shouting is the icing on the cake. The garbage disposal at my job can do the same exact thing and would probably sound better doing it!

Here’s a question. If you’re in a band, shouldn’t you need to possess a single morsel of talent? You shouldn’t be able to just get on stage and scream into a microphone but this crowd is loving it. Why??? They must feel bad for the guy or something. Not only is he embarrassing himself, but his face is turning purple up there!

It’s actually pretty annoying to me that anyone would call this “music.” With all this angry screaming and foul words being yelled, heck, they could just record me when a telemarketer calls during dinner time! I’d be a “grindcore metal” (or whatever) singer in no time.

Let this be a message to all “screamo” singers: anyone can go up there and do what you do, including me. So invite me to sing for your band so people will like me, please.