We Sat Down With Zach Braff and Explained to Him How the Shins Did Not in Fact Change Our Lives

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

In 2004, a film was released to promote the compilation album “Garden State,” which was the strange and obsessive work of actor Zach Braff. For years, we have been trying to contact Braff and let him know we’ve got a bone to pick with a promise he made in that movie.

Thanks to a successful Instagram catfishing campaign against his best friend and “Scrubs” co-star Donald Faison, we finally managed to get Braff’s personal contact info and lured him down to Hard Times HQ for a sit-down.

The Hard Times: Hi Zach, thanks for coming to speak with us. May we offer you a complimentary copy of “Heartworms?”
Zach Braff: No thanks, I’ve got it on vinyl already. I’m a big vinyl guy.

Yeah, that tracks. Okay, we’re going to be straight with you, Zach. We watched your movie.
Oh, you saw A Good Person? I wrote that for Florence [Pugh], you know.

What? No, we mean.
Wish I Was Here?

C’mon, man, nobody saw that. We saw Garden State and we just want to let you know we listened to the Shins and it didn’t change our lives in the least. Like, not even a little bit.
Uh, okay. What were you expecting to happen once you listened to them?

We don’t know. But something. Maybe the bland, passionless experience of existence that’s all we have ever known would be revealed as something we’re imposing on ourselves and that we can all choose to be happy? Or maybe we thought we’d get to hang out with Natalie Portman.
Yeah, you definitely should. Nat’s great. Remember how she took down Moby that one time?

Haha, that was awesome.
Classic Natalie. What Shins album did you listen to?

“Wincing the Night Away.”
Well, that’s your problem right there. You gotta check out “Oh, Inverted World,” and definitely no James Mercer-Danger Mouse stuff if you want your life to change.

Fuck, you’re right. You know what did change our life, though? That one song that goes, “I’m no superman.”
Oh nice.

Yeah, it’s pretty good.

In Lieu of Living Wage Boss Agrees to Let Employees Come in Baked as Fuck

Posted on by Jason VanSlycke

DURANGO, Colo. – Employees at a local insurance office were granted permission to arrive to work baked out of their goddamn gourds and reeking of that good shit in lieu of a raise in pay, sources ignoring the profit reports confirmed.

“We raked in stellar profits six quarters in a row. But, you know, with the economy the way it is we don’t think pay raises are in the company’s best ineterest, we have to make sure things stay liquid,” said Operations Manager Jamie Sopa. “And we’ve made several concessions for the sake of our employees. They’re allowed to park in the management spots, they can wear sneakers to the office, and if they want to get blazed while listening to Sleep in the parking lot before their shift, then we’ll happily ignore that they smell like a Phish concert and keep telling stories that go nowhere.”

Employees report some difficulties as they acclimate to the new office environment.

“Was it a bummer to practically be facing a decrease in pay as the recession hits and prices on food and groceries continue to rise? Totally. But I do appreciate not having to waste money on Visine and shitty vape pens that always break,” reports Kendra Wolf. “Now I can pack some sticky Grape Ape into a blunt and get through the day without thinking about how our bosses are exploiting our labor, and how Marx was so on fucking point, and how dope the Beyoncé remix of ‘Savage’ sounds divine on headphones. Now, where is that stack of papers I just had? Oh, it’s right here, in my hand.”

Human Resources experts note that offering a few small perks in the workplace often quells labor disputes.

“We’re having to get more creative in giving employee benefits that don’t actually cost us anything,” said HR director Casey Foster. “Low-cost perks such as pizza parties, Starbucks gift cards, and friendly eye contact from their superiors are ideal for employee morale and the budget. But we have found great success with allowing them to arrive to work with Deftones blaring through their earbuds with eyes as red as Kermit the Frog’s mouth and a bag of Taco Bell breakfast burritos in hand. The most genuine smile at work is from a stoner fresh off a smoke break.”

At press time, employees were lost in the bathroom after taking six grams of mushrooms on “Microdose Friday.”

Everything You Thankfully Missed at Coachella This Year

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Were you one of the seven billion people in the world not at Coachella because you had to work? Well, you actually didn’t miss out on much. Here is everything you thankfully didn’t get to experience in person.

$15 Beers

You saved a ton of money if you stuck to the $12 ones at your local bar. Good on you for being so frugal.

Mosquitos

Coachella takes place outdoors, which is coincidentally exactly where blood-sucking insects are too. You should never surrender bodily fluids for an opportunity to see live music, especially since they are trying to suck that expensive beer from your bloodstream.

The Sun

You’ve got one of those at home. No need to spend 600 bucks plus airfare and lodging for the California version to burn you up. It’s pretty much the same.

Attractive People

Coachella is where all the hot people congregate to be hot together. That’s intimidating. You’re better off hanging out with your ugly friends in a dark room. At least they’re funny.

First-Degree Arson

Every weekend-long festival since Woodstock ‘99 eventually succumbs to enraged audience members igniting the stages, set designs, and merch guys on fire. That’s just what happens when dehydration sets in.

Dick and Fart Jokes

Blink-182 finally reunited and so did their brand of middle school-level comedy. I’m sorry, but we as a society have advanced to a more sophisticated style of humor, like that of Tenacious D.

TED Talks

The TED Talk stage is usually pretty riveting at Coachella. But this year was just several hours of dudes discussing the benefits of taking cold showers. Please stop trying to ruin warm water for me.

Animal Sacrifice

The goat sacrifice before the Bad Bunny performance was actually pretty sick, but watching a lamb get decimated for the sake of a ritual while waiting for the Frank Ocean set to start seemed like overkill. How much animal sacrifice is too much animal sacrifice?

Operation Ivy Reunion

Festival attendees missed them too. In fact, they didn’t even play Coachella at all. Or reunite. They never will. Neither will your parents. Give it up.

Locusts

To get the crowds to disband after the finale this year, festival organizers released millions of locusts upon attendees. It’s effective, albeit hazardous.

Live Bands

Bands? Live?! Gross.

New Travis Barker x Liquid Death Enema of the State Enema Kit, 10 Out of 10 Proctologists Agree: It Exists

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

LOS ANGELES — Canned water brand Liquid Death and Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker are collaborating on a new collectible enema kit that has proctologists around the country agreeing that it most certainly exists, without ever actually endorsing any medical benefits.

“I’ve been a practicing proctologist for 35 years, so I’ve seen it all. I’ll be honest, I’ve seen things that keep me up at night, people are just compelled to test the limits of their anus in so many ways,” said Dr. Armand Tsaryuk. “I can say with complete certainty that this Liquid Death and Travis Barker enema kit is definitely something that exists in the real world. I’m not entirely sure why it does, and why they sent me so many of them, but I appreciate it, I guess. But don’t come to my office and expect the ‘Enema of the State’ cover model to root around your backside, it will be me.”

Fans of Blink-182 and Travis Barker admit they are excited about the latest collaboration and the impact it could have on their rectal health.

“This definitely wouldn’t be the first product with Travis Barker’s name on it that I’ve shoved up my ass,” said longtime fan Eddie Seiffer. “I once stuffed The Transplants’ entire discography up there on a dare. They were Cds and the jewel cases were no picnic. The doctors said I was ‘the dumbest person they’ve ever met.’ Which is a nice feather in my cap. So I’m excited Travis finally has a product that serves a legit purpose and might actually leave me feeling refreshed down there. Plus the Liquid Death is going to feel like having champagne up there.”

At-home enema providers admitted they are worried this new product could affect their sales.

“We simply can’t compete with these guys. Our product uses warm tap water, these guys are using canned mountain water. That’s high-end colon flushing right there,” said an unnamed representative who wished to remain anonymous. “Plus the model on our box is just a doughy guy that looks like he lives on pizza and gas station energy drinks. Travis is a rock star that looks absolutely amazing, we might as well close up shop.”

At press time, The Supreme Court is expected to hear a case involving a Sum-41 branded version of Mifepristone.

Monster.com Listing Clearly About Frontman Position for Mötley Crüe

Posted on by Ben Friedman

LOS ANGELES — Popular job board Monster.com recently posted a position that was clearly about becoming the new frontman for Mötley Crüe, hesitant applicants reported.

“We don’t want anyone to think a legacy metal band has resorted to trolling a job board for a new singer. Let’s just say we are an exceptionally dedicated cover band with a generous touring budget looking to hire a new singer between now and later today,” said hiring manager Thomas Leesmith. “Regardless, the ideal candidate should have one to three years of crowd work experience, a basic knowledge of hairspray brands, and a passion for singing about trashy women. The ability to lift a 50-pound mattress out of a hotel window isn’t required but is certainly desired.”

Job seekers who applied and were able to obtain an interview said they were subjected to a line of questioning that raised red flags.

“I just graduated with a music degree, and in typical fashion I’ve had no luck finding anything in my field until I applied for ‘FRONTMAN NEEDED ASAP.’ Ten minutes later, I had a Zoom call come through with some tired, vaguely familiar old guys dressed like my dad 40 years ago,” said potential candidate Patrick White. “They didn’t even ask any questions relating to my musical background, just stuff like who was my favorite Sports Illustrated swimsuit model and if I thought Vince Neil was a little bitch. I passed on it anyway because it required 100% travel, and I can’t find a dog sitter on such short notice.”

Representatives from Monster.com would neither confirm nor deny the source of the job listing, but did see that it fit a pattern of bands from that era.

“As older bands’ royalties start to dry up, they need to hit the nostalgia circuit in order to maintain their lifestyles. There’s a substantial amount of washed up ‘80s hair metal acts whose original members are either dead or not on speaking terms, so they come to us,” said data analyst Meg Foreman. “From frontmen to groupie wranglers, we estimate about 70% of these acts troll job boards for new members, while about 30% go the nepotism route and bring in their kids. I can’t confirm if this is the real Crüe, but I’ll admit this is eerily reminiscent of how Gary Cherone joined Van Halen.”

As of press time, the job listing was updated to clarify that while the position does come with health insurance, it would not cover any pre-existing STDs.

Every Bayside Album Ranked

Posted on by Zach Hudson

With a career spanning over two decades, New York punk darlings Bayside have given their devoted fan base eight albums to laugh, cry, mosh, and cry some more too. Ranking such a beloved catalog that means so much to so many people seemed like an impossible task, but we did it anyway because we need money for our therapy bills.

8. Vacancy (2016)

Inspired by frontman Anthony Raneri’s split from his wife & move to Nashville, “Vacancy” is by far Bayside’s most personal album. We’re all for artists being honest and vulnerable, but this one kind of makes you feel like you’re sitting in divorce court with Raneri and his ex-wife without being paid a lawyer’s rate. It didn’t affect our ranking, but Raneri’s ex did try and bribe us to put this one last, which we think speaks well to its content.

Play it again: “Rumspringa (Return to Heartbreak Road)”
Skip it: “It’s Not As Depressing As It Sounds”

7. Sirens and Condolences (2004)

The New York punk & emo scene was alive and well in the early 2000s, and Bayside’s 2004 debut album made it clear that they were on their way to becoming the next big thing. Not everyone was all in on them at the time, but if you were one of the people talking shit about Raneri’s voice, you have either come to love it, or you are still wrong and your opinion doesn’t matter.

Play it again: “Alcohol And Alter Boys”
Skip it: “Guardrail”

6. Shudder (2008)

Coming off of two highly acclaimed albums, “Shudder” is like when the gifted kid in class gets a C+ instead of an A. Given their reputation you know it’s just a weird fluke and they’re likely going to bounce back, but that doesn’t mean people aren’t going to make a huge deal out of it until they do. And, spoiler alert, they did indeed bounce back.

Play it again: “The Ghost of St. Valentine”
Skip it: “Moceanu”

5. Interrobang (2019)

Bayside’s latest full-length features, arguably, their best guitar work to date. “Interrobang” is loaded with fun, fast tunes that’ll have even the old heads jumping around at shows. Well, maybe not. If you were into the band since the beginning your knees may not be able to handle that now. It might not be a bad idea to get yourself some PT though, because Bayside doesn’t appear to be going away any time soon.

Play it again: “Prayers”
Skip it: “Medication”

4. Cult (2014)

“Cult” clarified that Bayside was indeed growing and changing, which was a bold move by a band whose fan base, for the most part, wasn’t doing either. The band was settling into a more mature sound instrumentally, while still writing lyrics perfect for break-up-fueled away messages, even though AOL Instant Messenger hadn’t been a thing for several years by this point.

Play it again: “Big Cheese”
Skip it: “Objectivist On Fire”

3. The Walking Wounded (2007)

Bayside’s third studio album showed the world that they had one thing that a lot of bands trying to make it in this genre did not have, and that is musicianship. They could write sad teenage anthems and they could play their instruments, like, really well. This release quickly launched the band into a much bigger spotlight. Even your high school bully who listened to butt rock knew the words to “Duality.”

Play it again: “Carry On”
Skip it: The DVD that came with the Gold Edition

2. Killing Time (2011)

It seemed like everyone was killing time at the start of the decade. Whether you were wishing away the semester, the work day, or your crush’s relationship, we all couldn’t wait for the summer and the Warped Tour, “Killing Time” gave everyone something to get stoked on. Bayside were far from burning out, which is more than we could say for our friends (and ourselves) at the time.

Play it again: “Already Gone”
Skip it: “Sinking And Swimming On Long Island”

1. Bayside (2005)

Go ahead and tell us we need to grow up. Accuse us of ranking on nostalgia. Write “She’s not coming back, bro” in the comments. We don’t care. Bayside’s 2005 self-titled album is forty minutes of no-skip anthems that continue to stand the test of time. Put yourself in a room of a thousand people in their thirties and forties screaming the words to “Don’t Call Me Peanut” and try telling us the world isn’t full of melancholic beauty. But seriously, all sappy shit aside, this album is quintessential Bayside in every conceivable way.

Play it again: If you’re over your ex.
Skip it: If you’re not over your ex.

Priest Officiating Wedding Pronounces Influencer Couple “Wife Guy and Wife”

Posted on by Bobby Korec

LOS ANGELES — Local priest Father Charles Bovie recently pronounced newlywed social media influencers “wife guy and wife” during their wedding ceremony, doomscrolling sources confirmed. 

“It’s time to leave my ‘boyfriend boy’ phase behind and marry someone who’s close enough to my soulmate,” said newly christened “wife guy” Chase Garmin. “I’ve already got my next two dozen posts planned out. The first six will be from the wedding itself and each one will contain no less than eight paragraphs about how lucky I am that I get to be married to my third or fourth best friend. Then I’ll release a handful of reels that feature professionally choreographed dances with my partner in crime. And, of course, I can’t wait to pop off a few ‘my wife’ Borat voice bits in my stories. I just hope this marriage lasts, because I don’t think I want to be known as a ‘divorce guy’ online.” 

Father Bovie seemed almost reluctant to refer to Garmin as that term. 

“He really, really wanted me to use ‘wife guy’ instead of ‘husband’ at the end of the ceremony, and I didn’t see anything in the Bible that said I couldn’t use that phrase specifically,” said Bovie. “Usually my part takes about 15 minutes and I’m then out of there because weddings kind of freak me out, but this guy had us redo and reshoot several takes for what he called ‘the gram.’ Even had to do the ‘I now pronounce you part’ a good 20 times before he was satisfied with the lighting. I almost miss the old days when the husband did not care at all about being married. We’re living unprecedented times.”

Couples counselor Judith Lichtenstein noted that Garmin’s behavior isn’t unique among certain demographics. 

“These types of men love to romanticize romance as if they’re trying to convince themselves it’s what they want,” said Lichtenstein. “But fitting into an internet persona is kind of a must if you want to get noticed online. Not only do you have your standard wife guys, but you also have entrepreneur bros, fitfluencers, floppy hat free spirits, hike dudes, backward hat crypto bruhs, meme teens, motivational males, van lifers, tiny beanie photographers, exhausted parents, and corgis. And you have to pick one, or else you’ll be stuck with 34 followers max.”

In related news, a nearby millennial couple was seen filming a gender reveal party for their new houseplant. 



5 Sexual Positions That Don’t Matter Because You’re on Antidepressants

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

Has the passion drained from your bedroom? If so, you’ll want to spice things up with a mix of tried-and-true and adventurous sex positions. So we compiled five mind-blowing, toe-curling, earth-shattering sexual positions before we realized you’re just on Prozac so none of these will make you orgasm anyway.

Missionary
Ah, an oldie but a goldie. At least this way you can look deep into your partner’s eyes and keep reassuring them that you are enjoying yourself despite a complete lack of energy and passion. Why bother varying it up? It won’t make a difference.

Doggy Style
You can say this is another basic one but it honestly doesn’t matter what position you’re in. You’ll be lucky if you can stay hard long enough for your partner to get on let alone get off. At least in this position you can stare off into space and plan your next psychiatrist appointment.

The Rear Admiral
Hey, it is the 2020’s and a little backyard play is no longer seen as taboo. Maybe a little stimulation from the backdoor will get your engine purring once again. Then again, most likely, it is just going to hurt and give you something else to complain about.

Mystical Mirage
To be honest I had ChatGPT create this one. I am going to assume it has something to do with using a rubber phallus instead of your normal member since you can’t stay hard anymore.

The Bouncy Castle
I don’t even know what this one is but my big brother’s friends told me about it when I was a kid. I assume it has something to do with rubber sheets and helium. That sounds like an awful lot of work. How about you just go catch up on The Mandalorian? You know that’s what you really want to do.

Tucker Carlson Looking For Deal With Network That Will Allow Him to Recite The 14 Words On Air

Posted on by Tim Graham

WASHINGTON — Ousted Fox News personality Tucker Carlson is looking for a new gig which would allow more freedom for the racist diatribes that shaped his long career, according to relieved sources within Fox.

“They’re saying I was fired, but I was going to quit anyhow,” said an indignant Carlson, carrying a box full of personal belongings out of Fox News’ Washington studio. “I’m tired of being hamstrung by corporate media which won’t let me exercise my freedom of speech. The latest impasse was when the chickenshit executives wouldn’t let me recite the 14 Words at the beginning of each program. What’s next, are they going to stop me from saying the Pledge of Allegiance? Right now I’m fielding offers from OAN, Newsmax and a dark web video service out of Russia that seems to have very loose restrictions on hate speech.”

Fox News Vice President of Programming Theodore White says they tried to appease Carlson for years, but it was never enough.

“I think everyone knows that Fox News proudly caters to a mostly caucasian audience,” said White. “We’ve found we have the greatest success toeing the line just shy of overt racism, preferring the dog whistle technique. But Tucker was always asking for more. We tried to satisfy his insatiable lust for on-air racist rhetoric, but we have to draw the line somewhere. It’s true that our core audience wants their racist beliefs reinforced, but they also want to maintain a degree of plausible deniability. It’s the broadcast version of saying ‘I can’t be racist, I work with a Black person.’ Tucker was starting to make that a little difficult for them.”

Lincoln Rockwell, leader of a white supremacist group headquartered in Alexandria, VA, agrees that Carlson would often go too far.

“Believe me, I agree with just about everything Mr. Carlson has ever said. Obviously, as someone whose group distributes racist leaflets throughout suburban neighborhoods, I know a thing or two about bigoted conspiracies,” said Rockwell. “That being said, I have a BA in communications, so I also know about messaging. You can’t come out too strong with this stuff. Mr. Carlson needs to learn to tone it down a bit if he wants to get the message across. For example, the 14 Words are best saved for when you’ve already piqued your audience’s interest with talk of the Great Replacement and little hints as to who controls banking.”

At press time, Carlson was reportedly in talks to launch a podcast with singer Morrissey, where the two would make fun of bad movies and also talk about how terrible non-white people are.

“Oh Shit, I Think I’m Peaking,” Says 40-Year-Old Who Had a Cold Brew Coffee an Hour Ago

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

ANAHEIM, Cali. — Local middle-aged man Shawn Hampton felt the full effects of venti Starbucks cold-brew and told friends that he felt he was at the height of his high sixty minutes after consuming the popular drink, onlookers report.

“All of a sudden I felt the vibration of the universe all around me and I could feel my body, finally for the first time in my life, actually in sync with the sound of God. But then everything started to get dark and kinda turn into fractals. I think I fell into a C-hole [caffeine hole] and I freaked out,” Hampton said while drinking a Monster energy drink in an effort to repeat the high. “It’s so hard to explain to someone who has never done it but when I peaked it was like, everything made sense. Ya know? It just sort of reminded me of how beautiful and fragile life can be.”

Friends of Hampton’s knew that something like this might happen.

“He does this every time we make day plans because he knows he won’t be able to nap around noon like he normally does. He thinks he can handle his coffee but he ends up doing too much,” Hampton’s friend Patti Porter said while giving Hampton some CBD to calm him down. “He can barely have an espresso without losing control and having hallucinations. He’s not twenty anymore, he can’t pound a case of Mountain Dew and not expect something bad to happen. It’s time for him to slow down.”

Professional trip sitter Carroll Baker explains that this is a very common occurrence for anyone over the age of 35.

“When an adult’s routine is broken it can have devastating effects. We normally see this when friends rent an Airbnb together and someone ends up going to bed hours later than they are used to. They drink a cold brew or two thinking you can handle it and soon they are freaking out,” Baker said while helping a 37-year-old who took too many NoDoz pills. “The best thing you can do for a friend who has had too much caffeine is just sit with them and assure them they are going to be ok. Some lavender essential oils might help and maybe a cup of Kava tea to bring them down slowly. They will be fine soon enough, and make sure they get some Vitamin B.”

As of press time, Hampton was seen at a nearby Whole Foods trying to score some valerian root.