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Gen Z Goth Assumed Alice Cooper’s Music Would Sound Better

BROCKPORT, N.Y. — Local goth Adriana Ross was let down by her assumption that the music of longtime rocker Alice Cooper would sound, you know, different, pasty sources report.

“I saw a photo on Instagram of Alice Cooper and I thought, ‘wow, this guy’s music must be some OG goth shit,” Ross said. “Boy, was I very, very wrong. With his aesthetic, I expected something like The Cure, or maybe even some cool death rock like 45 Grave or something. But no, all I heard was some corny-ass dinosaur rock. ‘No More Mr. Nice Guy?’ ‘Thrill My Gorilla?’ What the fuck is that? I should have known I was getting into some cheesy shit when I saw at one point he had Rambo as a guitarist.”

Alice Cooper weighed in on this seemingly frequent misunderstanding among new listeners.

“To be honest, it’s never easy. For decades, I’ve had to deal with younger generations of goths who are unfamiliar with my career, and shoulder their disappointment after their first listen,” Cooper explained while adjusting his top hat. “I don’t enjoy seeing goths cry because of the pain I caused them from hearing a 75-year-old man sing about how awesome it is being 18. I’d much rather lose my head in an actual guillotine than deal with that one more time.”

Veteran music critic Robert Lopez gave his insight regarding the world of visually deceptive artists.

“There have been many musicians aside from Alice Cooper who deceive goths into thinking their music may fit their tastes,” Lopez explained. “For example, a slew of them lost their shit over hearing King Diamond for the first time. I suppose they expect some sort of badass satanic Bauhaus or something, when in reality, they’re getting a badass satanic Frankie Valli. It’s really a win-win if you ask me.”

At press time, Ross was tweeting about Cooper’s appearance in “Wayne’s World.”