PHILADELPHIA – Local man Travis Burnett revealed to his roommates this week that, without immediate intervention and deal making, he is going to reach his personal debt ceiling by July, a development surprising no one.
“Well, you guys, it looks like the rubber has met the end of the road for me,” said Burnett, 28, who waited until everyone was extremely intoxicated to break the news. “My parents have unfriended me on Venmo and that ‘Quizzo For Dogs’ idea I had isn’t, shall we say, market ready. I’m therefore seriously considering taking extraordinary measures such as applying for a job and then working at that job to get money. Oh, and I definitely need a float for June rent and the Comcast bill. Anyone got a cigarette?”
Roommate Kevin Hines – the only one of five residents whose name appears on the lease – agreed to assist Burnett in exploring “unprecedented” options to meet his financial obligations.
“He’s a good guy. He’s just a dumbass sometimes,” said Hines. “I’m trying to help him write a resume for retail gigs and the entire time he’s asking me if NFTs are still a good investment and asking if it’s possible to find where Banksy lives to steal some art. But my dude needs to get hustling. He’s already pawned three guitars. He’s trying to sell his sperm now, but I don’t think Etsy is going to let that slide.”
Burnett’s father warned of the “second order” risks of allowing his son to default on his promises but stood firm in his position.
“Trav needs to get off his ass. We didn’t raise him to be lazy,” said Patrick Burnett. “He’s perfectly healthy and armed with a bachelor’s degree in creative writing that we went into debt to finance. He needs to fire up the idea box, walk into Netflix and introduce himself to the boss. A firm handshake got me a thirty year career right out of highschool. His mother and I might have to sell the beach house if he doesn’t get his act together.”
As of press time, Burnett was downloading a dog walking app “for market research.”