RALEIGH, N.C. — Local punk Tommy Whitehead nearly caught an indecent exposure rap but was saved by a solitary, barely intact thread of his jeans, unfashionable sources confirmed.
“For the record, I generally have no qualms about exposing my testicles,” explained Whitehead. “Whether it be for a laugh, artistic expression, or just to feel a cool breeze tickle my turkey wattle, I’m usually down to clown. However, I happened to be within 100 feet of an elementary school, and my pop punk friends taught me that an indecent exposure charge in that scenario can land you in serious hot water. My heavily patched homemade cutoffs were seemingly not gonna make it, but luckily, there was like a single heroic thread keeping me from committing a crime. Like Spiderman halting the speeding subway train that is my pinkish, wrinkly apple bag.”
Police officer Kristen Atkinson was on hand for Whitehead’s near exhibition.
“My first instinct in every scenario is to draw my weapon. It’s what we’re taught at the academy, after all. But, after I lowered my gun and put the safety back on, I was able to better assess the situation,” said Atkinson. “The young man kept pointing at his genitals and saying ‘No exposure, baby.’ I don’t think he realized that a millimeter thick thread of cotton was in no way hiding his clearly visible scrotum. I could have arrested him, but paperwork sucks. So I shot a few taser probes directly into his testicles, gave him 50,000 volts, and let him off with a warning.”
Thrift store clerk Amanda Washington noted the popularity of threadbare clothing.
“Our clientele is primarily middle-class punks buying up all the good stuff before actual poor people can get their hands on it. I guess old little league shirts and 40 year old distressed jeans look cool, but some of these items barely qualify as clothes anymore,” said Washington. “We’ve got practically translucent t-shirts putting tits on full display and ‘70s basketball shorts with inseams all the way up to the grundle. I’m shocked no one who’s been arrested for wearing this crap in public has ever sued us.”
At press time, Whitehead debuted his newest pair of cutoffs, which are little more than a line of denim covering his asscrack.