WACO, Texas — Local punk Brianna “Gutpack” Mullhall was visibly upset upon learning Chip and Joanna Gaines will soon renovate beloved DIY venue Sugar House, “Fixer Upper” viewers report.
“Chip and Joanna Gaines get so much good PR for slapping shiplap on this town when they’re really just demolishing the Waco scene,” Mullhall explained outside the doomed venue. “Where the fuck am I supposed to get shitfaced with my friends now? We can’t go back to the abandoned silos because they got turned into overpriced gift shops. Those gentrifiers even kicked us out for drinking Lone Stars when they’re the ones who replaced the beer cooler with a Dr. Pepper machine. Guess I’ll drive two hours up to Dallas where BYOB still means something.”
Joanna Gaines defended the planned Sugar House renovations, which will appear in the family’s upcoming Discovery series “Fixer Upper: The Venue.”
“Chip and I would never have been blessed with this exciting new project if Waco had a profitable punk scene,” Gaines said while painting the bar countertops white. “It’s not our fault that nobody goes to shows anymore. People should be grateful we’re not leveling the place and turning the whole thing in a parking lot. We’ve got our work cut out for us thanks to the asbestos and the leaky ceiling, but by next year this old sugar mill will be the perfect home for our Magnolia concert series.”
Waco scene historian Carl Wade claimed the city’s local scene was doomed ever since the Gaines family built Magnolia Market, urging fellow punks to preserve remaining venues by gatekeeping harder.
“There are still a few shows happening at undisclosed locations but punks need to keep quiet before Chip and Joanna find out and inevitably buy them,” Wade whispered after verifying no HGTV viewers were within earshot. “I don’t even put up flyers in neighborhoods they’ve renovated. The last thing we need is the Gaines family tearing down another building because they caught word about another venue to destroy. We’re lucky their first show ended before they could the entire town looks like a mid-century hellscape.”
At press time, all shows scheduled in the now-shuttered Sugar House were rescheduled at the old Branch Davidian compound.