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6 Theoretical Spice Girls Who Didn’t Make It Past Early Drafts

The Spice Girls were one of the biggest musical acts of the 1990s, buoyed to the top of the charts through a combination of amazing pop hooks, charismatic performances, and the capitalist hijacking of third-wave feminism.

One of the key aspects of the Spice Girls’ success was the savvy marketing of the individual members, with each member being given an easy-to-understand persona and nicknames like “Sporty” (relatable/ fun), “Posh” (rich/unpleasant), and Scary (racist?)

But before we got the five original spice girls of Geri, Emma, Mel C, Mel B, and Victoria, the father-and-son heads of Heart Management Bob and Chris Herbert had to go through some prototypes to work out the kinks. Here are six theoretical Spice Girls that never made it past the planning stages!

Crunchy Spice
This potential Spice Girl was an attempt to appeal to the neo-hippie movement of the early 1990s and can be best described as that guy from Spin Doctors with the weird hat in a Baja hoodie, but, y’know, sexy. Early testing revealed that Crunchy Spice’s constant habit of eating Nature Valley granola bars on stage would not go over well with audiences, as well as the inability to get through even a rudimentary dance routine without the aid of a drum circle.

Existential Spice
Heart Management felt the bubbly mannerisms of the rest needed to be balanced out. It does not exactly explain how they initially landed on Existential Spice, whose desolate, Camus-influenced spoken word monologues would have been flatly recited over the bridges to hits like “Wannabe” and “2 Become 1.” Ultimately, they went with Posh Spice instead.

The Spice Girl Who Dwells in the Shadows
The only remaining evidence that this enigmatic, silent Spice Girl was ever contemplated was confiscated by the Vatican after the intern tasked with drafting a concept lost his mind and began raving that “SHE is everywhere!” “SHE is the Gate! SHE is the Key and the Guardian of the Gate!” To speak more of the Spice Girl Who Dwells in the Shadows risks madness, so let’s move on.

Funky Kong Spice
Heart Management contemplated legal action against Nintendo when the popular “Donkey Kong Country” game was released, featuring the popular character with the near-identical name as their best Spice Girl yet. Ultimately, the Herberts would not risk going up against the powerful corporation, abandoning their dream of a denim cut-offs and bandanna-clad Spice Girl who was also covered in fine, lustrous gorilla fur.

This was a mistake in which a shopping list got mixed in there somehow, but Nutmeg Spice still made it to the final decision-making rounds.

Seinfeld Spice
In 1994, NBC’s “Seinfeld” was a bonafide global smash hit, which explains why Heart Management was eager to ride its coattails. However, the copious, highly specific New York City references, bushy mullet, and catchphrase of “What’s the deal with Girl Power?” did not translate well to British teen audiences.