Every woman knows there’s nothing better than coming home after a long day of work, changing into lingerie, lighting a Yankee candle, and going to town on your clit like you’re sanding a piece of sawn lumber. Sadly, many of us looking for a quick respite from the daily grind have our plans foiled when accidentally queuing up one of 16 different orgasm-destroying vibration patterns, leaving us naked from the waist down and asking, “Why? ”
The word “Why” has hurt more people than any other in the English language. It’s the gateway word to learning information you wish you hadn’t. From “Why did you cheat on me?” to “Why is my period late?” to “Why is my vibrator pulsing to the rhythm of the Pink Panther theme song?” “Why” highlights some of life’s most unanswerable questions.
With just one maladjustment to your vibrator’s control panel, you’ve crossed over from the pleasure zone into Morse code territory. Congratulations, your Sisyphean nightmare has just begun. You’ll be clicking through an assortment of senseless vibrations for what seems like days trying to get back the momentum you worked so hard to build watching that retina-burning amateur pornography, but it will be too late.
Sex toy engineers say the different settings are there to customize the experience for the consumer, but if you’ve ever met an engineer, I don’t need to tell you they’re not having sex. Relying on engineers to make sex toys is like asking a vegan chef to write a cookbook on hotdogs. It’ll be creative, but ultimately disappointing and kind of gross.
What might appear as kink-shaming is merely tempo-shaming. Market research yielded no demand for a vibrator that mimics a strobe light, yet here we are. Apologies to the three women worldwide who can only come while using the vibrator setting that syncs up perfectly with Lipps Inc.’s 1980 hit song, “Funkytown,” but the rest of us are trying to get off on something less reminiscent of the tap code used by Vietnam POWs.
This show choir wouldn’t even make it two weeks into the semester. Mr. Hetfield would only show up for half the rehearsals, and when he would, he’d be inexcusably late. The kids would start skipping fourth period to go smoke pot under the bleachers and steal things out of open lockers. The school principal would pull the class and James would no longer be allowed within 500 yards of the campus.
To upper middle-aged men with a collection of short-sleeved button-down shirts and bad knees, David Lee Roth is a legendary rock vocalist and a powerful performer. To a public school district’s hiring committee, he is a liability. There would be no choir, nor show.
You’d think Drake would have taken a choir class during his time at Degrassi High, but no, he’d just be mumbling shit to the kids like, “I thought you were in high school, but you’re just schooling high,” before getting fired for treating them to a pizza and bottle service party.
The school district upholds a zero-tolerance policy for any teacher telling students to “calm fucking down, shut the fuck up—oh fuck off!!” no matter how much they deserve it, so unfortunately Mr. Ozzy would be terminated on his first day.
“I think she used to be the JV volleyball coach.” “I heard she bartends in Southside on the weekends.” “Do you think she vapes?” are just some examples of what the students would be saying about their new teacher. Classes would mostly be sing-alongs to whatever classic rock songs came up on satellite radio, and the kids would readily take advantage of the fact that Miss Cyrus never takes attendance.
Mr. Mayer would resent this job from the start. He’d decide after the first class to nix the whole show choir idea and turn fourth period into a group guitar lesson instead. There’d be two interested kids who’d make some progress on the instrument while the rest would spend the whole class swiping through Bumble on their phones, and Mr. Mayer wouldn’t care less.
Okurrr, this clearly wouldn’t go very well. Miss Cardi would probably be better at teaching English or politics classes than show choir, as not a lot of actual singing would happen. But if nothing else, her “try me or get popped” approach to classroom management would be effective.
Frankly, Mr. Parker is too chill and barefoot to effectively teach high schoolers. He’d be all vibes, no lesson plans, and the kids would quickly take him for a pushover, eventually just coming and going from rehearsal as they pleased.
If only Mr. Sheeran had any classroom management skills, this show choir might stand a chance, but he doesn’t. No matter how many times he’d tell the kids he’s their actual teacher and not a substitute from the teacher staffing agency, they wouldn’t listen. Halfway through the semester he’d give in and let them watch movies for the remaining weeks of class.
Mr. Turner would appear to not give a fuck about the show choir, and that’d be because he wouldn’t! Rehearsals would be inefficient sessions of him crooning some songs for the students to learn by ear. Eventually most of them would be singing fairly well, but choreography wouldn’t even be a consideration. At least half the kids would lose interest weeks in and pick up smoking cigarettes instead.
Let’s get one thing straight: Dr. Teeth understands show choir. He is no stranger to the mechanics of flamboyant, choreographed musical numbers, but like many musicians who are masters of their craft, he wouldn’t be a very good teacher. He’d assume the kids could learn all the songs through call and response, and they’d end up driving to the competition in a 1970s VW van just to shout-sing in a half-octave range.
The kids wouldn’t believe the 
Florence, who would insist the kids call her by her first name, would somehow be simultaneously neurotic about preparing for the big competition and totally carefree about the student’s daily progress. Their routine would be mostly improvised, and that just doesn’t cut it in the world of show choir! She’d also be regularly mistaken for the school’s visual art teacher and drive the principal insane with her habit of letting the kids out of class early.
The kids would lose their shit as soon as they learned Miss Swift would be their teacher for the semester. Parents of students from other school districts would be bribing the principal with thousands of dollars to let their kids transfer and be in her class. It would be such an ongoing frenzy that Miss Swift wouldn’t even be able to teach, which is a shame since no one has ever written more relatable songs for people in high school and/or living with a high schooler’s mentality than she has.
While Mrs. Ferguson’s expertise lies in dynamic musical ensembles, her choreography would be too challenging for the students. You’d think with all the texting kids do they’d have strong and nimble wrists, but even with ten weeks to practice, not one would manage to pull off a one-handed cartwheel.
The students would never quite be able to figure out 
How could you expect 
Jason Mraz would obviously run the tightest Orff-Schulwerk based elementary music program at a peanut-free charter school that doesn’t believe in report cards or math and calls the first-grade “Team Starfish,” but his show choir would lack the pizazz necessary to take home a state title.
Ms. B’s class would not be the easy A so many kids were expecting it to be. What they thought was going to be a breezy semester-long sing-along with a mild-mannered teacher would turn out to be a crash course in ethnomusicology, trip-hop, and electrical engineering, with spontaneous field trips to go yell outside school board meetings.
We’re currently beating Georgie with a telephone because we didn’t like the look on his face, so we’re going to assume he doesn’t have the charisma to make a presidential run.
Charmaine is a strong, independent woman who calls it like she sees it, has no stomach for classism, and isn’t afraid to speak her mind. A woman like that has no place in the GOP.
She’s got despotism on lock and she has experience with the legal system, but the wrong side. You’re supposed to put the poor people IN the jails if you want to impress Republicans Mead.
Unless it’s in theology, nothing turns off conservative voters more than a doctorate.
We hate to quote Trump even in this tongue-in-cheek conceit, but “Known loser. Low Energy. Sad.”
He’s a strong self-promoter and he can court conservative boomers to an extent, but once the conversation moves away from “The Godfather” trilogy, he’s sort of out of moves.
You would think being an actual person would shoot Daniel to the top of this list, but we can think of at least three other Baldwins with e better shot at the White House.
Bobby’s warmth, good-heartedness, and remorse for having to kill people may fly in the New Jersey mafia, but it has absolutely no place in today’s conservative movement.
Hesh is a successful businessman, which Republicans usually love, but oy vey, there’s just something about him that we don’t see conservative voters getting behind. Can’t quite put our finger on it, but we feel like Republicans would be kvetching left and right if this guy was the nominee. He’s certainly got the chutzpah to schlep his way up the polls but something just tells us the whole campaign would eventually plotz. Okay, we’ll stop beating around the bush — it’s his interracial relationships.
Furio is a foreigner, and while conservatives don’t actually give a damn about the rules they’re too fresh off the heels of “Show us the birth certificate!” to get behind him. Maybe in 2028 Furio.
Anthony’s scrupleless attitude toward murder-for-hire shows the right attitude, but most Republicans will find his penchant for massages uncomfortable.
Sure he’s got the whole exclusive country club vibe going for him, but Cusamano is just too scared to get his hands dirty. Do you think he still has that package Tony gave him?
Carmela once bullied Jeannie into getting her daughter a recommendation letter using only a casserole. She doesn’t have what it takes.
We could see her gaining momentum as a sort of “conservative answer to AOC” candidate, but just like in her life, once it gets out there where she’s been and who she’s been meeting with, it would be her undoing.
Historically the GOP loves a pious hypocrite and always will, but today’s religious right is a little less catholic and a little more Southern snake charmer.
Probably a long shot considering he only appeared once and had no lines, but never underestimate the machiavellian climbing capacity of Lin-Manuel Miranda.
Eugene does way too much actual work to be taken seriously as a presidential candidate.
Drug use and schmoozing with the Hollywood elite are just about the only two crimes conservatives won’t look past, and Chrissy done ’em both. If it weren’t for those two things, nothing we’ve seen Chrissy do or say would bar him from Republican candidacy.
Gloria is a little too unpredictable to make a viable political candidate, but she does have the look and unhinged temperament of a Fox anchor.
The guy could write a good speech, but it’s all or nothing with J.T. He owes a lot of money to a lot of dangerous people and one false move it all comes down like a house of cards.
Conservative voters are turned off by the educated “elite,” but Dr. Kupferberg transcends that due to his resemblance to Peter Bogdonavich, a face boomers recognize from a thing they’ve seen.
