WASHINGTON — Rep. George Santos continued to assert his innocence after being charged with wire fraud and conspiracy and announced he added activist Rachel Dolezal and businessman Martin Shkreli to his legal team, sources confirmed.
“I was elected to serve the people of New York and I intend to finish out my term and run for reelection once I’m proven innocent of all charges,” said Rep. Santos while installing a card skimmer on a gas station pump. “I’m working closely with Ms. Dolezal and Mr. Shkreli to craft a legal strategy that will not only clear me of all these bogus charges, but will also allow my supporters to provide me with valuable Social Security information that I will be able to use for fundraising. If you have an elderly parent or grandparent please just send me some of their paperwork and my team will make sure their money is used to fight back against Democrats and the liberal agenda.”
Dolezal admitted she was excited to work with Rep. Santos to clear his name.
“I’ll admit I’ve had a rough go of things for the past few years. It’s tough when the entire country stands united in how much they hate you. But I see a lot of myself in Congressman Santos, mainly because my mother and father are also from Brazil now, and I’ve decided that I am also a 35-year-old man,” said Dolezal. “I’ll be honest, I don’t have much legal experience. I did graduate from Harvard Law School with perfect grades three times, but the only time I practiced law was when I served on the Supreme Court under Chief Justice Earl Warren. But that was all the way back in the 2000s when I was a teen pop icon with multiple chart-topping hits.”
Legal experts believe Rep. Santos might actually have chosen a winning strategy.
“Right now Congressman Santos is one of the most reviled men in the country, but by surrounding himself with two of the most hated people of the last decade he actually comes off as somewhat sympathetic,” said defense attorney Eliza Skarrow. “We also heard that neo-nazi Richard Spencer, the guy that created Fyre Fest, and the person who wrote the Kars 4 Kids jingle might also join his legal team. He’s creating a super group of absolute pieces of shit.”
At press time, Shkreli was overheard trying to rap all the parts from that Wu-Tang Clan album he bought from memory.