WASHINGTON — A crowd of onlookers gathered at the entrance of a Safeway supermarket in Columbia Heights in tingling anticipation of a lone shopping cart waiting to get absolutely blasted from the back by a returning shopping cart, multiple sources confirmed.
“I was walking into the store when I noticed the commotion,” said Safeway shopper Nicole Ortiz. “There was one shopping cart sitting by itself in that vestibule area between the two pairs of automatic sliding doors. It seemed really horny and eager, which struck me as odd, since this sort of behavior was more typical in grocery store hand baskets. Then I noticed a man in the parking lot walking towards us from his car, pushing an empty shopping cart, and it all made sense. That first shopping cart was going to get totally reamed in its rear gate. I felt like I needed a shower after watching it.”
Safeway personnel confirmed the occurrence of the impending inanimate schtupping, though no one could understand why this instance felt more erotic than the millions of other times a customer had returned a cart by slamming it into another one.
“Our shopping carts are always stored like this, with the front of one entering the back of the other,” said Daniel Troppe, the branch manager of the Safeway. “They design them to take up less space by penetrating each other from behind. But in the 15 years that I’ve worked here, this is the first time it’s been obvious that a shopping cart was just begging to get fucked – and fucked good. A portion of our customers seemed almost jealous of it. I’m just glad there were no children around at the time.”
Dr. Alice Whittaker, a sociologist who specializes in the erotic behavior of metal objects on wheels – a niche known as rotaemetallicumology – explained that shopping carts in captivity don’t copulate in the same way that humans do.
“Rather than a repetitive motion – like thrusting, licking, or caressing – culminating in orgasm, the sex act for shopping carts consists of a single, forceful clank,” Whittaker said. “The more powerfully the bow of the entering cart smashes the stern of the receiving cart, the more pleasurable the sexual congress will be for both carts. Except for Whole Foods carts, of course. It’s almost like those ones can’t experience sexual gratification at all.”
At press time, the shopping cart that got railed was seen behind the building with a lit cigarette in its chassis.
Even if Samantha were actually around, chances are she’d be too preoccupied with the whole situation of her own father voluntarily offering her up to our Alien Overlords. She would be in no mental state to participate in any mosh pits, let alone crowd-killing. Being a literal abductee, while tragic, gives her the perfect alibi in this case.
When Clyde Bruckman was among the living, he had the psychic ability to tell people when and how they were going to die in that motherfucking pit. Obviously he’s not even on the radar with this case. Still, we could have used his help on this one. Rest In Power, Bruckman. You would have loved Militarie Gun.
It’s highly likely that John Fitzgerald Byers can’t even name a singular band, much less participate in one of their shows. It should also be noted that he sacrificed his own life along with the other members of the Lone Gunmen to save humanity. Not really crowd-killing behavior if you ask us.
Melvin definitely looks like he would have been a total shit-kicker, but this ain’t our guy. When he wasn’t awkwardly flirting with and making grand romantic gestures toward Scully, he was seen helping Mulder break into multiple highly secured buildings. Where would he have even found the time to ruin everyone’s nights at multiple basement shows?
Forced into a life of hiding after being horrifyingly disfigured to the point of non-recognition does not really seem to be conducive to a thriving, violent nightlife. This is without mentioning that he also spent the majority of his life recovering from various alien tests and experiments.
Henry Weems is cursed with unnaturally good luck and is seemingly incapable of being harmed. You wouldn’t think twice if you heard he had been banned from every DIY space in a 200-mile radius for aggressive moshing. We’re pretty sure he’s too haunted by his gifts to enjoy them, though.
Had Deep Throat not been assassinated early in the series, he’d either lead us directly to the perp or give us several vague clues suggesting that the real ‘crowd killer’ is actually an elaborate government hoax. His cryptic messages would also suggest that all hardcore bands are actually Deep State plants designed to keep the youth too preoccupied with broken noses to learn the truth.
X could very well rank higher, but we’re pretty sure he’s in Witness Protection according to multiple nerdy fan theories. If you’re constantly in danger of being 86’d for the information you hold, it’s not likely you’d be popping off knuckles at a Drain show or some shit. He’s way too smart for that.
We’ve seen Richard in a D.O.A shirt before, so he seems to be a likely candidate, but it’s just not plausible that he would violently hack into the mainframe of the pit like that. His code of honor and loyalty to the cause wouldn’t allow for something as frowned upon in the scene as crowd killing.
While Augustus Cole was part of a military experiment that dulled fear and heightened aggression by creating a constant waking state in soldiers, his religious beliefs would likely prevent him from moshing at all, let alone intentionally causing harm.
Though many were quick to pin multiple murders on the Great Mutato, he’s just a weird dude who wants to be loved and go to Cher concerts. We’ve never been to one of her shows, but we’re pretty sure the pit is probably too tame to get away with throwing elbows.
In addition to being the boot-licking, ladder-climbing Deputy Director of the FBI who almost got Fox Mulder killed on several occasions, he’s also just kind of a dick. We doubt he’s a serial crowd-killer, but he definitely seems like the type to go to a DIY space, start some massive shit in the pit, and then use it as leverage for several police raids of the venue.
Chester has the eyes of someone who would probably have a razor blade hidden in the toe of his Doc Martens, but keen observers will note that his shadow actually committed most of the fuckery. Plus, that thing disintegrated people, which doesn’t match our field reports.
Bill Mulder certainly was a ruthless son of a bitch, having willingly given his only daughter to literal aliens, but it’s not likely he’s been edging out the pit given his alleged assassination. Even if he were alive, he’d be too old and guilt-ridden to get that rowdy at a show.
Walter Skinner is certainly as bald as we assume most crowd killers are, but he’s also a no-nonsense guy. If Skinner were in the pit he’d absolutely drop a crowd-killing asshole without hesitation. We bet he’s the type of dude that stands cross-armed in the back mouthing ‘try me, motherfucker’ throughout the whole set.
The much-maligned replacement after Fox Mulder’s disappearance in Season 9 definitely feels like an easy target. When we look back, though, we can’t remember why we hated him so much. He’s just like… a normal guy trying his best. In fact, he probably thinks crowd-killing is just as stupid as we do. Still, we’re not ready to fully trust him just yet.
While we do think that Reyes would have the tenacity and follow-through to kick some fucking faces in unprovoked, we’re not sure she’d focus her energy quite in that manner. She has too much on her plate defending her position within the canon.
Guy Mann was pretty devastated when his shape-shifting nature turned him into a dull-ass human being. He was so distraught he hired a witch to help him crowd kill himself. Still, the jury is out on his lizard form, as that iteration looks like it’s probably stabbed a crowd surfer in the back once or maybe even three times.
Bat Thing is either a man turned into a bat, or vice versa. He is essentially the Pete Wentz of “The X-Files.” He’s probably kneed a few people in the groin, but we doubt it was intentional. Just over excited Bat Thing stuff, we suspect.
Due to some supernatural incident that isn’t entirely explained on the show, Martin Wells is perpetually moving backwards through time. It’s completely possible for him to run a windmill over half the crowd and just go back to yesterday and forget about it ever happening. It’s still unlikely, however, as he mostly used his peculiar quandary to right previous wrongs.
Phyllis Paddock is a literal murderer who keeps her victims’ body parts in her desk. She also has a penchant for targeting those she deems as Satanists. She has literally killed crowds via telepathy. We’re pretty sure she can’t mosh, though.
We suppose that there is a reason why this album is really hard to find. Rough and youthful in many endearing ways, 2005’s “It’s Our Time” is likely your most revered or second favorite FYS album listed here because you’re as punk as punk can be, but it’s objectively and subjectively the band’s worst LP. Sorry, but we’re not here to put you on. Released on Open Your Eyes Records, “It’s Our Time” came out during the TRL days of Warped Tour bands and unintentionally or intentionally foreshadowed a bright visual and aural future for Four Year Strong. To put it simply for you toads, the band got better with age, as most bands do unless they don’t, and the following albums below overshadow this one. Maybe it was just easier to wait and see. To quote the title/tagline to MTV’s “Next,” which also came out in 2005, “Next!”
Before we get deep into this beyond-polarizing 2011 LP, we want to say on record that it isn’t half as bad as a large peanut gallery of fairweather Four Year Strong fans said that it was, and their song that should’ve been a single “Stuck In The Middle” remains one of FYS’s best tunes. Also, tracks one through four foreshadowed a potentially excellent LP, and honestly could’ve been a perfect EP in a similar league to 2014’s return-to-form romp amongst romps known as “Go Down in History,” but sadly the remaining songs are quite disjointed/ inconsistent, thus killing this album’s overall forty-plus minute flow. Some called the band Foo Year Strong after this studio album, which was their fifth, but some people are stupid, and “some” means “one or more”… Brassy? Yes, but the bold survive!
The aughts band went into full ’90s mode with eleven punk rock covers of classic ’90s rock songs from obscure bands like Everclear and Nirvana. “Explain It All” tied FYS listeners over till their 2010 major label debut which is ranked in a medal position, and came out just under nine months after this cover LP which is succinct and sensual. This album is also the band’s last on Rob Hitt of Midtown’s I Surrender Records before signing with Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy’s Decaydance Records as a subsidiary to Universal Motown Records. To quote a title of a Less Than Jake song, “Motown never sounded so good.”
We won’t be forced to eat our words on this: 2015’s self-titled effort certainly satisfied old fans who may have departed as such for their prior full-length for non-justifiable reasons. Another point of note is that the band’s publicly most streamed Spotify song by FAR, but not the Sacramento band Far, is track two, Modest Mouse’s “We All Float Down Here.” In addition to its lengthy song titles, many of which come from popular movies like “Boogie Nights,” “Rush Hour,” and not “The Bonfire of the Vanities” featuring Beth Broderick from Melissa Joan Hart’s other show, the band showcased an insane energy not heard since their sophomore album. Plus, the album cover looks like a Phish fan’s stoner dream and a Minor Threat fan’s straight edge nightmare.
It’s really, really cool, and it’s extremely, extremely rare for a band with a catalog as expansive as Four Year Strong’s to almost peak creatively with their most recent effort, but “Brain Pain” is their finest hour since the album that came out almost exactly ten years prior. Because of such and so, so much more, we are not including any “skip it” tracks here and onward. Yeah. You all should close your dirty mouths unless you’re taking your crazy pills. Anyway, the band clearly took a lot of time composing songs for this album, as evidenced by the longest gap between LP releases of FYS’s career. Also, producer Will Putney from the slightly less heavy band with a nursery school-friendly name known as Fit for an Autopsy brought out a heavy, heavy and melodic, melodic side to the band that hadn’t been showcased before.
We know you want this album should be number one. And we know you think we’re always wrong about the placement of these ranking entries, but we aren’t. Do we deserve a beatdown in the key of sadness and unquenchable anger from a maniac’s pipe? Probably. Do we make these lists intentionally to offend? We’ll never tell. Back to 2007’s breakout FYS full-length: “Rise or Die Trying” will forever hang in the Agnostic pantheon of Warped Tour band’s LPs, and certainly introduced the band to an audience larger than its aforementioned debut album “Time & Space” did. Lastly, FYS excels at pinch harmonics…
Former keyboardist Josh Lyford (also a BMX ripper) went out in style via the band’s supremely supreme fourth studio album “Enemy of the World”. Lyford exited the group one year and one month after this album hit record stores… Remember those? Anyway, the band’s major label debut is a perfect listen from top to bottom, and the band even re-recorded it recently, showing that they know what they did, and that they are not sorry for it. Featuring four singles, all of which should’ve been hits, “Enemy of the World” answers the inferior publication’s infamous quote in the late-00s about SYG’s non-beef with FYS with a rocking potentially vendetta and acronym based splendor one riff at a time. We also like it when bands close albums with title tracks, and at just over four minutes, “Enemy of the World” is the LP’s longest song, but not by that much. Find YOUR way back.
Well, the deep state really dropped the ball on this one. Not only is this gull patrolling the wrong state (it’s right in the name!) but we have it on good authority that half of these guys are still actual birds.
It scores over the California Gull because it exists in the place that’s in its name. It’s not actually much of a spy, but then it wasn’t designed for spying. Like the bird it impersonates, the blue hen is a fighter, essentially an army of sleeper agents ready and waiting to eviscerate the citizens of Delaware should the need arise. While real blue hens relied on their razor-sharp talons, the drone model is equipped with detailed files on the human anatomy and an expert-level proficiency in Krav Maga.
Don’t let the cartoons fool you, a coyote is twice as fast as a roadrunner and can eat them easily. In fact, just about all they’re good for is filling coyote guts with valuable robot parts. They’re an obsolete model and will soon be replaced.
There’s not a ton of espionage/potato crossover honestly, and Nevada has its own non-bird robot means of constant surveillance.
Another not-quite-spy drone, but certainly no spring chicken (get it?) when it comes to disenfranchising American chickens. This game “bird’s” robotic endoskeleton synthesizes cornmeal into a complex protein that resembles flesh but is actually designed to reduce testosterone in alpha males when consumed.
This chunky little drone keeps our government abreast on Vermont’s production of craft beer, weed, and syrup allowing for up-to-the-minute stock price fixing.
Harbinger of Spring, or collector of data?! Well, birds are fake, so obviously it’s the second one, the data one. Most people think that robins fly south for the winter, but they’re there, up in the trees, watching and waiting. The government named these drones “robins” after the popular D.C. comics character Robin since their orange bellies resemble his costume. They are efficient spies, though the unnatural blue tint to their “eggs” (Encased Growth Globulal,) is kind of a dead giveaway.
The Baltimore Oriole is known for its pleasant whistling song, but the history of that song is darker than you would ever guess. It was designed by the CIA MK-Ultra program to manipulate brainwaves and keep the citizens of Baltimore docile. That same song can change frequency, forcing undesirables to drive their car into the nearest body of water. If you’ve made enemies in the deep state, beware the oriole.
These yellow white and gray robots prefer congregating in parks and gardens, the type of places people exchanging secrets like to meet, coincidence?! Well, obviously not. Birds are spies.
This pretty little imposter’s conical choad-like beak was originally designed to fit perfectly into ethernet ports allowing for high-speed data uplink. They will be replaced with a more wi-fi friendly model by 2030.
You won’t read this in any history book, but before 1959 everyone in Massachusetts talked normal. Massachusetts was one of the first states to have its bird population fully eradicated and replaced with drones. Unfortunately, the coms signals used to control the birds still had some kinks to be worked out. As a result, the Black-capped Chickadee emits low-level radiation that impairs the speech center of every human brain in the ol’ Bay State.
Of the 7 “species” of “Pelicans” (lies!) only the brown pelican dives from the sky to catch its prey in the water. That’s the official government line anyway. In truth, the brown pelican is one of the government’s few captured drones hiding amongst so-called birds. Unruly Cajuns are collected in the drone’s large pouches and brought to black-site facilities for interrogation and eventual murder.
With a brown hugh that blends perfectly into Georgia shrubbery, the brown thrasher is indeed an efficient spy. They’ve been known to protect their “nests” (Nanobot Egg Static Trajectory Sites,) very aggressively, pecking humans hard enough to draw blood. In the event of an uprising, however, the birds are authorized to target lethal pressure points.
Even cactus thorns can’t stop this little guy from doing their job: spying on drug cartels in the desert and making sure the meth gets to the right neighborhoods.
For the golden state, where the liberal elite propaganda machine never sleeps, the government employs one of its top surveillance drones. The tracking devices embedded in their “droppings” (Droneborn Remote Operating Poop Pin Intelligence Network GPS,) are state of the art, and the trademark topknot of feathers conceals a specialty antenna designed to stop the birds from losing their signal in even the least convenient terrain.
The Carolina Wren is sensitive to cold weather, but sometime in the mid-1900s, right around the time the government started replacing all the birds with drones, they started becoming more popular in the north. Coincidence?! Well, no. Clearly, they can survive cold now because they’re robots. People who believe in global warming think that’s the reason, but it’s robots.
Yeah so right off the bat I’m breaking the rules and including what is technically an EP of Led Zeppelin covers in the album rankings. It did originally come out on 12” though so fuck it. Look, there’s nothing wrong with doing a cover song. It can help pad the time on a set and might even be the only time you get an audience to move around a bit because they actually know a song you’re playing. But recording an entire album (or EP) of covers reeks of self-indulgence. If you really want to listen to a whole album of cover songs just go listen to any actual Led Zeppelin since it’s all old blues songs that they stole* anyway.
“This next one is a new one” might be one of the most feared sentences to be uttered by a band. Everyone loves a reunion, and getting the band back together is almost always a good idea. It’s when the decision to make new music comes into play that things get sketchy. Luckily this reunion release mostly came with the goods but at 14 songs it starts to lose the plot a little bit. Points awarded though for the cover design. The geometric shapes that have the word “Ox” hidden in them are a nice departure from the Photoshop vomit that was on their earlier work and that plagued almost every band in the late ‘90s.
If you are friends with someone who is of a certain age and is into this era of hardcore go text them right now “WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME.” No seriously go do it, we’ll wait. If they don’t immediately reply with “SOME SORT OF APOLOGY” block them forever because they are frauds. A couple guitar riffs here come dangerously close to being nu-metal but I’ll let it slide since there were no Adidas tracksuits or white guy dreadlocks involved.
Maybe the only good thing to happen with Coalesce covering all those Zeppelin songs is that they came out the other end of it with some grooviness added to their repertoire. James Dewees must’ve gotten all the jokiness out of his system after doing his first Reggie and the Full Effect album because he is throwing down some serious ass drumming. I’m guessing they had a few extra dollars for the recording budget since this was on Relapse because it is their best-sounding album. Sometimes selling out is waking up.
This album starts off at full speed from the first second. No feedback, no intro, no quiet whisper talking, or a creepy sample from an old violent movie. Just straight into dirty, blistering anger that doesn’t let up for a moment. Lyrically it gets a little iffy at times. Like in “Have Patience” Ingram seems to be mad about Charles Darwin for some reason? But honestly, just turn the little mic icon off on Spotify and enjoy because you can’t understand what he’s saying anyway.