MINNEAPOLIS — An abandoned building that used to house a popular microbrewery in the heart of downtown will be repurposed back into a manufacturing plant, confirmed developers close to the project.
“We got it for pennies on the dollar since the microbrew bubble finally burst, and we can finally restore this place to its original and infinitely more useful purpose, manufacturing springs for non-residential trampolines. This place was a real eyesore with all the discarded Jenga blocks and cornhole boards littering the property, and the stench of fermented piss water was tough to scrub out of the walls,” said real estate tycoon Ted Black. “But thankfully the previous owners kept most of the manufacturing equipment around for aesthetic purposes, so once we give this place a dusting we can get it up and running by next week.”
Neighbors of the derelict brewery were elated that the building would house something much less insufferable.
“It’s about time someone breathed some new life into that place, and it’s a good omen for our community. Our neighborhood is littered with defunct breweries that were magnets for insufferable hipsters and unsupervised children, so the smell of burning metal and diesel-spewing commercial vehicles is a welcome change,” said Frank Tarkowski. “I’d rather our neighborhood turn into an up-and-coming industrial zone than have to smell that IPA fog that would roll through town whenever they brewed. Yuck.”
The city planner’s office made it a priority to find new tenants for the dearth of defunct breweries that have accumulated.
“Ten years ago you could barely walk three minutes without coming across a new microbrewery. But Millennials’ priorities are shifting and Gen Z just wants to smoke weed while playing video games, so almost overnight we’ve had to approve like a dozen permits to fill these empty factory buildings so the rats don’t take over,” said Cindy Lawrence. “Honestly, if anyone out there has even the vaguest business idea we’ll give you an abandoned building, so long as that idea isn’t for an 11% berry-infused saison or some other bullshit you’d find on Untapped.”
As of press time, Black was forced to halt refurbishing the building after workers were chased out by a band of disheveled hipster squatters who were guarding the brewery’s last barrel of triple-hopped IPA.