20. Kirk
The lovable town weirdo. Kirk has one million jobs, a budding career as a Lynchian filmmaker, intense night terrors, and a pet cat named Cat Kirk. Either Kirk has some severely repressed childhood trauma, or he is more self-actualized than the rest of us. Regardless, I think Kirk sometimes craves a doner kebab during his late-night film editing sessions.
19. Babette
While Babette adores her calm days with Morey, she’s got a little more of an edge to her than her husband. I think her past includes dancing on tabletops and eating oatmeal in the rain at Woodstock. In fact, she was in a cult once. She would cherish a chopped cheese, no doubt.
18. TJ
TJ is the type of guy who would create a YouTube channel where he teaches you how to make chili and season your cast iron pan, all while cracking annoying and/or crude jokes. Sure, he’s kind of insufferable, but he loves turkey legs, mud wrestling and beer. Who can blame him? I sure can’t.
17. Caesar
Caesar is always running the diner on behalf of Luke. He knows how to cook, and he obviously has some stress he needs to get out. I think his version of self-care is smoking a joint, picking up a bahn mi, and playing some Zelda. Oh, and Caesar is known for his chilaquiles. That’s all we need to know.
16. Beau Belleville
Beau might do a lot more than eat street meat, if you know what I mean. Yuck.
15. Zach Van Gerbig
Zach allegedly ate vanilla almond body lotion on chips once. Love him or hate him, he would be the kinda guy to choose a po’boy over a pork chop any day of the week. And I get it, pork chops are dry as hell.
14. Rachel
She’s a down-to-earth and worldly travel photographer. Of course she’s chowing down on some bao. She also is the most likely to survive Da Bomb on Hot Ones without any crying, sweating, swearing or milk-snorting. Let’s face it, we’re all a bit envious of Rachel and her cool-girl status.
13. Brian Fuller
Does he have asthma, hypoglycemia, and a deviated septum? Yes. Would any of that stop him from going to town on some piping hot gyoza? No. If he can live with all those nerdy health issues AND be a bass player, he is definitely gonna be fine with some suspiciously prepared poultry.
12. Rune
Rune looks like a little orphaned boy wandering the lamp-lit streets of Victorian-era London, scavenging for some bread and porridge. He wouldn’t think twice about ingesting a lukewarm meat pasty, but it would give him dysentery and he’d perish without the marvels of modern medicine.
11. Gil
A 40-year-old rockstar who owns a sandwich shop? You know he’s going hard on some gyros. I’d love to hang out with Gil, stumble upon some street meat, and then watch Hep Alien cover Rancid’s “Time Bomb. “A perfect day.
10. Troubadour #1
Troubadour #1 is out here earnestly trying to give Stars Hollow a decent music scene, covering Wham! and Cat Stevens. He’s definitely enjoying a greasy bacon egg and cheese, salt, pepper, toasted, and a hot cup of coffee along the way.
9. Liz Danes
Liz is a wild one. She’s always getting into shenanigans and bizarre business ventures and aligning herself with deadbeat partners, which I can only assume takes up a lot of her energy. To replenish herself, I think she’d get with a hearty scotch egg or some greasy fish and chips. This bitch had a renaissance-fair-style wedding, for god’s sake.
8. Rory Gilmore
Rory has it all: grades, looks, guys, and the ability to eat sketchy food combinations without heartburn. Chili cheese fries and coffee? That sounds like a night spent downing Tums to me. She’s a ground beef lover at heart, she also doesn’t seem to mind hanging around oyster-and-foie-gras septuagenarians, so I’m docking her a couple.
7. Drella
Fuck yeah. Drella is tough as nails, and her nails are also probably pretty tough because she’s a talented harpist. Drella would absolutely be a regular at a local taco truck, ordering a carne asada plate with extra hot sauce and lime. She wouldn’t tip well and the staff would despise her, but she’d keep coming back.
6. Jess Mariano
His dad owns a sandwich shop and his uncle owns a diner. Street meat is in his blood. This literary hunk loves to talk about Bukowski over a cheap hotdog with everything on them, pad kee mao, or a cold beer and some chicken wings.
5. Lorelai Gilmore
You already know she’s in the top ten. Lorelai subsists off Pop-Tarts, coffee, burgers, and pizza, and has no problem eating at Al’s Pancake World, which appears to serve everything but pancakes. Half of her personality is street meat and the other half is obscure references and quick witticism. A match made in heaven.
4. Lane Kim
Lane loves to eat, and she does so without the main character, pick-me energy of the ravenous Gilmore Girls. As the drummer in Hep Alien, waitress at Luke’s and Korean punk rocker living a double life, Lane would absolutely devour some poutine and then go back for seconds.
3. Gypsy
Absolutely, Gypsy can be found eating street meat any day of the week. Gypsy is tougher than all the guys on the BYU football team, as is her stomach of steel. She is Stars Hollow’s car mechanic with a sardonic personality, and she gives off the vibe that she could win a local hot-dog eating competition effortlessly.
2. Paris Geller
She’s uptight, she’s lactose intolerant, she’s been raised in the land of caviar and canapes–she has all the makings to scoff at some street food. But Paris is harboring the trauma of divorced parents and extreme fear of rejection, so she is actually desperate to gorge on some kielbasa. Paris is a spicy-mustard girly under a bernaise-sauce exterior, and we love her for that.
1. Bootsy
With a name like Bootsy, of fucking course he is ranking high. You don’t get a nickname like Bootsy unless you were drunk after Lollapalooza in1993 and dropped your Italian beef, its juicy contents spilling directly onto your boots, and you zambonied the beef crumbs off of your beer-soaked shoe.