Meghan Horgan, Author at HARDTIMES

We Ranked 50 Best Selling Books Based on How Smart They Make Us Look in Public

Posted on July 7, 2023 by Dom Turek

John Waters says, “If you go home with somebody and they don’t have books, don’t fuck them,” which is why I recently started reading. Books are pheromones you can see, so let’s rank these pheromones I stole from Barnes & Noble based on how smart they make me look in public.

50. ‘A Brief History Of Time’ by Stephen Hawking

Oh hey there, what are you doing in your free time at this coffee shop, staring at your phone? Catching up on some emails, maybe doom scrolling, that’s cool. Me? Oh, I’m just over here trying to figure out the nature of the universe itself, no big deal. It’s not like this is a competition or anything. Except it is. And I’m winning.

49. ‘Great Expectations by Charles Dickens

There’s only one thing better than taking in a bonafide classic — looking like you’re taking in a bonafide classic. I don’t think I’ve actually retained a word of this thing for a good ten pages now, but the cuties at this Barnes & Noble Starbucks cafe wouldn’t know it because I periodically nod and make a little “mmm” noise.

48. ‘The Art of War’ by Sun Tzu

Nothing says “I am a loyal yet dangerous alpha” like reading ‘The Art Of War” in public. This classic Eastern meditation on the nature of conflict is full of wisdom that can be applied to almost any situation. For example, Sun Tzu’s first lesson is to consider the terrain before a battle. That’s why I’m reading it on a bench outside a coffee shop with lots of foot traffic on a nice day.

47. ‘Steal This Book’ by Abbie Hoffman

Way ahead of you, Abbie Hoffman. This book could be called “Do Not Steal This Book Under Any Circumstances Under Penalty Of Death’ and Barnes & Nobel’s policy of not physically touching customers or preventing them from leaving in any way will remain the same.” It’s a bit dated, sort of like ‘The Anarchist Cookbook’ if The Jolly Roger said “jive turkey” a lot.

46. ‘Catcher in the Rye’ by J.D. Salinger

I look okay reading this in public as long as I’m not reading it in my hometown. Unfortunately, I never left my hometown so I have to disguise myself if I wanna read it in the condo parking lot that used to be a park.

45. ‘Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas’ by Hunter S. Thompson

A few years ago, I might have put this one up toward the top. This book made me look much smarter before it had 6 degrees of separation from Amber Heard’s feces.

44. ‘The Hero With A Thousand Faces’ by Joseph Campbell

Did you know that every story is about change? Of course, you did. But have you read a long-winded nearly incomprehensible chunk of academia that essentially boils down to that? I thought not, rube. Truth be told I can barely understand a word of this thing, but I watched Dan Harmon drunkenly rant about story circles for 20 minutes on a podcast live-stream so I think I get it.

43. ‘The Da Vinci Code’ by Dan Brown

You might be thinking that the cats out of the bag on this being a fake-smart person book, and you’re right, but that’s what makes reading it in public such a move. It’s the literary equivalent of wearing a dumb t-shirt you found at a thrift store. There you are with some quality novel on your nightstand that you just can’t seem to make time for and here I am with the intellectual security to read trash fiction in public. It implies that I read so much I can afford to slum it.

42. ‘Consider The Lobster’ by David Foster Wallace

If you think ‘Infinite Jest’ isn’t on this list you’re dreaming. Reading that magnum opus is an accomplishment that I am proud to make people think I have done. But consider the merits of David Foster Wallace’s lesser works, like this collection of essays. Sure it’s not as formidable looking as “Infinite Jest,’ but that makes it more portable, and if you’re bothering to read this people might assume you’ve already read ‘Infinite Jest’ and you’re just hungry for more DFW footnotes. Plus there’s a dope story about porn award shows I actually almost read all of.

41. ‘Breakfast Of Champions’ by Kurt Vonnegut

Yup, just a guy sitting on a bench reading some Vonnegut in public, thinking the big thoughts, seeing through the bullshit, no big deal.

40. ‘Moonchild’ by Aleister Crowley

This won’t get you much notice in normal environments, save for the occasional Ozzy fan who will loudly sing a mispronounced “Mr. Crowley!” at you. But in the right setting, this or any Crowley book is worth its weight in gold. I was king for a day flipping through this thing at a goth flea market one time. Just be prepared to riff your way through a conversation about “the left-hand path,” whatever that means.

39. ‘Blink’ by Malcolm Gladwell

I’ve spent 10,000 hours trying to look smarter than I am and I owe it all to the O.G king of fake smart people, noted Lolita Express alumni Malcolm Gladwell. I have no idea what this particular book is about, but if I know my boy it’s full of outrageous claims followed by tedious little anecdotes proving that they are technically, from a completely asinine clickbait perspective, true.

38. ‘The Stranger’ by Albert Camus

Are you looking for a book that will tell the world “I am the most particular and brooding mother fucker doing laundry today”? Look no further than Camus’ ‘The Stranger.’ Oh, the dryer is gonna take 35 minutes? Cool, let me take in this World War II-era existential novella about how shitty things get when you kill someone even if you’re a completely indifferent person. It pairs nicely with my shitty noise-bleeding headphones that let anyone in a 15-foot radius know I’m listening to The Cure.

37. ‘Fight Club’ by Chuck Palahniuk

This is another great book ruined by a movie fanbase. Reading “Fight Club” in public will most likely elicit an eye-roll at best. At worst, you’ll get a “his name is Robert Paulson” and then you’ll need to move towns and change your identity.

36. ‘On The Road’ by Jack Kerouac

Yeah man, the beats man. Dig how I’m reading ‘On The Road’ in public. Who am I? Am I a crazy jazz freak all hopped up on bennys and grass, killing time before I go hop a few rail-cars to a new city on a quest to find the beautiful heart of America? Or am I just on a break from my shift at Urban Outfitters? You don’t know. All you know is I am one deep cat who gets IT man.

35. ‘Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sheep?’ By Phillip K. Dick

While the name is completely different, this book was actually the basis of the cult sci-fi film ‘Blade Lasers.’ It takes place in a distant future where everyone has a cool jacket, and Harrison Ford needs to find the grail of Christ before the evil Galactic Empire gets it and destroys the sun. There’s just one problem — robots. Can Agent Detective get them to sleep before it’s too late? You’ll have to read it yourself to find out. And then let me know.

34. ‘Thus Spoke Zarathustra’ by Friedrich Nietzsche

Or anything Nietzsche really, just get yourself spotted interacting with the brand and people will get the hint that you’re a serious sort of person and they should be intimidated. Nietzsche’s work was edited after his death to better fit Nazi ideology, which is a shame because it tarnishes his otherwise beautiful message — God is dead and the universe is basically PTSD. Bust this one out when someone nearby is reading something that makes them look smart, and you want to one-up them.

33. ‘The Communist Manifesto’ by Karl Marx

Sure, you pretend to know that communism works on paper, but are you willing to go the extra fake mile and pretend to do the leg work that fake proves it? I sure as hell am, especially at Gather, a local coffee shop/lLGBTQ+ community space where not enough people are noticing me.

32. ‘Tao te Ching’ by Lao Tsu

When the master reads this book, it is almost as if he has read nothing at all. That’s the sort of rhetorical nonsense this book will arm you with all day. Reading this makes me the wisest person at this park, and if you disagree with me, I’ll just throw a bunch of symmetrical word-game sentences at you until you get a headache.

31. ‘World Travel: An Irreverant Guide’ by Anthony Bourdain

I consider myself a citizen of the world and have ever since my surrogate father figure Anthony Bourdain introduced me to the idea of travel on television. I’ve never actually been outside this country, but you would sure think I have the way I’m reading this book at a trendy eatery with sunglasses on.

Pages: 1 2 3

Counter Attack: Billy Joel Releases Updated Version of “Sugar, We’re Goin’ Down”

Posted on July 7, 2023 by Ted Pillow

OYSTER BAY, N.Y. — An enraged Billy Joel responded to Fall Out Boy’s update of “We Didn’t Start the Fire” with his own version of the band’s 2005 song “Sugar, We’re Going Down,” according to unfortunate sources who have heard the singer-songwriter’s version.

“Those little Hot Topic bastards!” a furious Joel shouted while swerving in and out of oncoming traffic on the Long Island Expressway. “How dare they change one of the Piano Man’s most beloved songs! Well, the joke is on them because I took one of their crappy little pop punk theater kid tunes and made it 100% better, BJ-style. What the hell’s it called, ‘Sugar, I’m Comin’ Home’? Honestly, I could barely understand any of the words. But I guarantee you my version is going to the top of the charts, especially since I changed it to be about shucking oysters and drinking red wine with North Shore Kathy. That’s what the kids want!”

Fall Out Boy insists that they went through all the proper channels to get permission for covering the song. However, now that Joel has retaliated, the band is ready for all-out war.

“We meant it as a compliment,” explained Fall Out Boy bassist and lyricist Pete Wentz. “We loved the original, but we felt the world needed an updated version that covered all the crazy events of the last 30 years. You know, one that rhymed ‘George Floyd’ with ‘Metroid.’ But now he’s so pissed at us and he’s doing one of our songs? Well, screw him. We’re fully prepared to escalate. In fact, we’re already working on another Joel cover. We’re taking ‘Goodbye Saigon’ and making it not suck. Now it’s called ‘Smell Ya Later Saigon (You Gave My Heart Blue Balls).’ That’s what the kids want!”

Although it may seem unusual, there is a well-established precedent of public feuds between artists from different genres.

“You’d be surprised how many battles like this have been waged over the years,” noted music historian Lucia Guttierez. “Although covers are often intended as a tribute or homage, many times the original artist can be offended or take it the wrong way. This was particularly common in the competitive musical landscape of the ‘80s. After all, who could forget the infamous ‘Cover Wars’ between WHAM and Megadeth? Dave Mustaine growling ‘Jitterbug!’ still haunts my dreams.”

As of press time, Joel was preparing for his first live performance of the Fall Out Boy cover by squeezing into a pair of XXL skinny jeans.

Every Billy Talent Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on July 7, 2023 by Scott Waldman

No one, we repeat, NO ONE sounds like Billy Talent, which can be a good or bad thing depending upon who is listening/jabbering about on social media. You see, Canada’s own Billy Talent is a truly, truly polarizing band that one either truly loves like a milkshake or despises like chronic back pain. Here at The Hard Times we are all for this distinctly original-sounding group, and ranked their six LPs from worst to best. P.S. Yes, we know that the group used to be called PEZZ, and we did not list anything pre-2003; if you disagree, that’s a red flag, so try honesty. Check out the river of music below:

6. Afraid of Heights (2016)

Well, one Billy Talent record had to be ranked last here, but honestly, this one definitely isn’t a stinker. Compared to the rest of the band’s lush and sonically pleasing audio catalog, “Afraid of Heights” just falls slightly short of the next-to-be-mentioned recent 2022 outing, and just doesn’t inspire repeated listens as often as the following five LPs. Still, it debuted at number one in a few countries, including The Great White North, so what the hell do we know? Don’t answer that.

Play it again: “Ghost Ship of Cannibal Rats”
Skip it: “Horses & Chariots”

5. Crisis Of Faith (2022)

As mentioned below in the handy dandy “play it again” section, the epic nearly seven-minute opener “Forgiveness I & II” is the best song on “Crisis Of Faith,” and without question the band’s finest since its preceding release “Dead Silence”… More on that LP later as it is likely ranked here differently than you may think! That song alone justifies the six-year gap between albums, which is the group’s longest since their debut LP as Billy Talent. Hopefully BT makes its next album much sooner as we’re going through a crisis. Get it? Don’t answer that II.

Play it again: “Forgiveness I & II”
Skip it: “Judged”

4. Billy Talent III (2009)

First off, you gotta admire a band for naming its first three albums chronologically, as it is a feat that few others besides Led Zeppelin can do so gracefully; don’t mess with Peter Grant, seriously. Anyway, our punk rock hearts still wish that “Billy Talent III” contained the original version of “Turn Your Back” with Anti-Flag’s vocals, but we still enjoy the album version, albeit slightly less than the one featuring Justin Sane; turncoat. Finally, It must be said that the band’s pristine musicianship is showcased quite well on this LP, but the next three records listed below just had more consistent and overall better songs. So sorey.

Play it again: “Rusted from the Rain”
Skip it: “Sudden Movements”

3. Dead Silence (2012)

We may get some hate for this, but “Viking Death March” is Billy Talent’s premier single that the band or most others may never top. That’s ok, because it fucking rules. Yeah. We also love it when bands close albums with the record’s title track, and no other song would make the album feel as balanced as “Dead Silence” does. The band’s fourth and longest record takes you on a whirlwind of textures and colors from start to finish, and we’re all here for it! However, the following two are quite hard to top and your opinion on the matter is wrong anyway.

Play it again: “Viking Death March”
Skip it: “Hanging by a Thread”

2. Billy Talent (2003)

Not too many bands make as strong of an audible statement as Billy Talent does with its album opener “This Is How It Goes,” which is without hesitation complete R-O-C-K in the C-A-N-A-D-A. Also, track three, “Try Honesty,” was a minor hit in America, and sadly one of the band’s last radio songs in the States. Perhaps the USA couldn’t handle the impossible-to-label (or spell) Benjamin Kowalewicz’s unique vocals or Ian D’Sa’s elegant six-string shredding; miscreant uneducated peasants. If you’re feeling frisky, like many ex(es), check out the 10th-anniversary edition reissue of the band’s debut LP, which has several demos and live versions of each of the LP’s twelve songs. Since it’s 2023, we’d love to see a 20th-anniversary run of this album!

Play it again: “This Is How It Goes”
Skip it: “Voices of Violence”

1. Billy Talent II (2006)

With the exception of classic AFI critical darling and multi-Academy Award-winning films “The Godfather Part II” and “Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit,” sequels are pretty much never better than the originals. Both Lauryn Hill and Jennifer Love-Hewitt would surely agree that BT’s sophomore LP “Billy Talent II” goes against the grain and manages to supersede both its former and four latter releases. Want more proof that we’re right and you’re likely wrong about this one? On the band’s 2014 greatest hits record simply titled “Hits,” four of the compilation’s fourteen songs come from LP2, making it the most represented LP on the release. Yep. Not sorey. In closing, guitar nerds should attempt to NOT butcher the gorgeous and complicated “play it again” track listed below.

Play it again: “Pins and Needles”
Skip it: “Burn the Evidence”

Scientists Conclude That “Red Right Hand” Will Be In Every Movie By 2025

Posted on July 7, 2023 by Ryan Danley

WASHINGTON — Global scientists warn if we continue on our current trajectory Australian recording artist Nick Cave and The Bad Seed’s 1984 Gothic Folk song ‘Red Right Hand’ will be featured in every movie, television show, and commercial by early 2025, sources report.

“We had been concerned about ‘Red Right Hand’ for some time, it started with ‘Dumb and Dumber,’ and of course, the ‘Scream’ franchise used it several times. But when old-timey English gangster program ‘Peaky Blinders’ used the song as its opening theme it really began to snowball. Now we have it on fucking episodes of ‘Ted Lasso.’ We all should prepare for the worst,” said Dr. Ted Gustonson from Universal Music Alliance. “If measures aren’t taken to slow this progress immediately we will be looking at U2’s ‘Songs Of Innocence’ situation, which nearly broke humanity’s collective consciousness.”

While there is consensus in the scientific community, representatives for “Red Right Hand” feel this is a “nothing burger.”

“Music goes in a cycle. Maybe this song has gone on an extended cycle, being featured in the ‘X-Files’ soundtrack, ‘Hellboy,’ and some show called ‘Wentworth’ that no one’s ever heard of, but it’ll naturally cool down on its own. I think,’ said American Music Association Representative Robbie Dawson. “Let’s not forget the song ‘Oh Ya’ by Swiss electronic outfit Yello. That definitive ‘Oh ya’ was everywhere! Did anyone die? Well yes. They did. But in this business, we have a 17% loss allowance. And we were almost under that.”

Nick Cave admitted that even he believes the song is a bit over-saturated.

“I mean sure, even I get tired of it. I heard it in a tequila ad the other day. I’m a goth icon, I’m not sure I give off Cabo vibes. That place would turn me to dust,’ said Cave from his lair. “Fuck it. I’m a goth dude from Australia. Have you been here? Everything can kill you here. Snakes and spiders and shit. So I’m going to just bank as much cash as I can while I can before a spider crab eats my brain, or something. So fuck off.”

Dr. Gustonson was unavailable for further comment as he heard there was an outbreak of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” in Southeast Asia.

Coke Nail Also Helpful With Bag of Takis

Posted on July 7, 2023 by Yancy Lee Crawford

INDIANAPOLIS – Local woman Kristen Wise’s pinky nail groomed specifically for the consumption of cocaine also has surprising snack-related benefits, multiple witnesses with red fingers confirm.

“This fucked-up looking fingernail is good for two things: drugs and Takis. But between you and me, eating chips that could stain Satan’s asshole without ruining my top is the most important,” Wise declared as she opened a family-size bag of purple Fuego Takis on a white couch. “My breath reeks, my guts are a disaster, and those after-lunch toot-toots are a little spicy, but I refuse to compromise on flavor, fashion, and getting discreetly fucked up in the bathroom of the Chili’s by my office.”

Coworker and party animal Alex Miller believes Wise is misrepresenting the purpose of her grooming habits.

“Kristen has never done anything harder than Flonase, dude. She grew that nail to fish Takis and Bugles out of the bottom of the bag and claimed it was for blow so everyone at work would think she’s cool instead of an idiot that shits red foam. Well, I’m not afraid to call out cultural appropriation when I see it,” Miller ranted while visibly sweating through a tank top. “Next thing you know, CVS will be telling us to roll up their receipts to snort multivitamins and the Today Show will feature segments on how to make smoothies with old razor blades. Our sacred cultural artifacts are not your props!”

Holistic healer Lori Frances offered her professional insight on Wise’s nail’s physical and mental health benefits.

“The massive amounts of sodium in Takis coupled with the paranoia and increased heart rate of cocaine surprisingly does wonders for your hair. And since Kristen snorts blow with the same fingernail she’s using for chips, she’s inhaling a bunch of palm oil which is absolutely liberating her sinuses,” Frances revealed while waving a crystal over a patient’s gunshot wound. “Besides, stimulants and salt are the only things getting most of us through the day anyway. The world is chaos, so Kristen’s choice to get high and eat chips seems like a healthy response.”

When asked to comment on the accusations of appropriation, Wise revealed she doesn’t actually speak Spanish even though she can pronounce most items on the Taco Bell menu correctly.

President of Pantera Fan Club Referred to as “Grand Wizard”

Posted on July 6, 2023 by Chris Bowen

ARLINGTON, Texas — The fan club for popular heavy metal band Pantera reportedly uses the same title for its president as the leader of the infamous white supremacist group the Ku Klux Klan, several sources ranting about “replacement theory” report.

“I’ll just cut to the chase here: it’s our God-given duty to protect the sanctity of our beloved hillbilly metal band,” Grand Wizard Ronald Lee Bridges said, adding that metal should remain of a pure sonic bloodline. “The main tenet of our code in which we live by, Panterism, is to keep the reputation of Pantera clean from any acknowledgment of the forbidden pre-’Cowboys From Hell’ glam metal era, which is a dark stain on the band’s otherwise perfect career. The first line of our sacred oath isn’t ‘Power Metal? Walk on Home Boy’ for nothing. It’s the code we live by.”

Lead singer and known Hitler-saluter Phil Anselmo let it be known the club has his full endorsement.

“It’s a beautiful thing seeing fans of the band coming together under a banner with such aspirationally racist connotations,” Anselmo explained while planning his next cash-grab reunion tour. “Fans from all walks of life are members too, and you wouldn’t even suspect it. They could be a cop on the beat, the owner of your favorite bakery, or even your local politician. People from all over join the meetings that we hold the last Thursday of every month in a secluded beer tent out near Gilan Pond. But I don’t want to reveal too much.”

Head of the metal department of Human Rights Watch Heather Goldstein says there are typical signs to watch for when discerning whether or not someone is in the Pantera fan club.

“Many metal bands have fans that would be rightly considered ‘Deplorables,'” Goldstein stated. “But Pantera fans are usually the ones who stick out the most. Typical insignia they might have tattooed on them are the rattlesnake or some sort of skull wrapped in a Confederate flag, which they insist is not a hate symbol. These images are said to represent the ‘cowboy metal rebel’ mantra of the band. You might even see them in a concert video yelling ‘white power.’ They’re usually easy to spot, drunk off their asses, and honestly, pretty sickening.”

At press time, Bridges had perished after catching his ceremonial Confederate flag gown on fire attempting to light a large wooden ‘CFH’ on a glam-era Pantera fan’s lawn.

20 Albums That Your Parents Hated So Much They Wished You Were Never Born That Turn 20 This Year

Posted on July 6, 2023 by Steve Esparra

You remember 2003, don’t ya? Sure you do. September 11th was still fresh in everyone’s minds, the Devils won the Stanley Cup, you and your high school ex got back together for a month or so in the summer. Simpler times. Has it really been 20 years since S.A.R.S. caused massive panic all over the world? Luckily we learned our lesson, and that was the absolute last time that would ever happen.

You know who definitely remembers 2003? Your parents. They got so used to you living away at college for the semester (or living in your punk house) that when you came back over break (or got evicted), it gave them a major headache. They finally had peace and quiet to be able to listen to their Eagles records undisturbed… that is, until the punk/hardcore/metal/metalcore/ post-hardcore/prog metal/thrash metal scene decided that this was the year to go OFF. Hard to believe all these records turn 20 this year; one more year and they can legally drink without their parents saying shit to them.

Municipal Waste “Waste ‘Em All” (1/27/2003)

The debut album from thrash’s nastiest riff masters and holy SHIT we weren’t ready. January isn’t even over yet, can we have a minute to digest New Year’s first? This should have been the first signal to our parents that their life was going to be miserable.

Comeback Kid “Turn it Around” (3/4/2003)

When Comeback Kid dropped this album every college-aged hardcore fan stopped to marvel at the heaviness of the breakdowns. It wasn’t a reinvention of the genre, it was a slight tweak that made your dad wish his new man cave had soundproofing.

AFI “Sing the Sorrow” (3/11/2003)

AFI already won hardcore with their last 2.5 albums, then 9/11 happened and they got sad and decided to change it up. Mom heard me play this album and said she actually liked some of the songs. Which made me not like them as much and claim they sold out.

Cave In “Antenna” (3/18/2003)

By 2003 Cave In had (rightfully) blown up and gotten recognition for their eclectic style, to the point that they signed a record deal with RCA. I need every band to pay attention right now: if you are going to put out EXACTLY one album on a major label… this is how it’s done.

Rise Against “Revolutions Per Minute” (4/8/2003)

I guess 2003 is the year we decide to start following politics, thanks to Rise Against’s politically-charged brand of skate punk. Sucks that we quit skating the same year we got our driver’s license, but that doesn’t mean we couldn’t blast a pure skate punk album as we rode our longboard through town.

Lamb of God “As the Palaces Burn” (5/6/2003)

Everyone knew Lamb of God was pure American metal from their debut “New American Gospel” in 2000, but this shit blew the doors off everything. Still holds up as their best album 20 years later. There’s no quip in this entry because Lamb of God is no fucking joke.

Deftones “Self-Titled” (5/20/2003)

Oof, good luck trying to follow up “White Pony.” Be honest, you didn’t give Deftones the respect they deserved in high school because the one kid that was obsessed with them also liked Mudvayne. And by 2003 it was too late, so you had to wait until “Diamond Eyes” came out to pretend you’d been down forever.

The Mars Volta “Deloused in the Comatorium” (6/24/2003)

Ok hear me out… the core members of At the Drive In are going to record a concept album with Rick Rubin. Not gonna say this is the best album of all time, but not NOT gonna say it either. An hour of just wondering if they ever get tired of playing their instruments so fast. What a banger.

Beloved “Failure On” (6/24/2003)

How did this band know this is exactly what we were looking for? Melodic hardcore and screamo all in one. Two things that could very well be true: Beloved is the most underrated/underappreciated hardcore band of all time, and this album perfectly encapsulates the sound of the time. An icon, even if our dad ended up using our Beloved shirt as an oil rag.

Every Time I Die “Hot Damn!” (7/1/2003)

Even for those who were fans of ETID before 2003, “Hot Damn!” was a revelation. The album taught us how good lyrics, riffs, and breakdowns could be, and we were never the same. Absolutely groundbreaking record. May they RIP.

Poison the Well “You Come Before You” (7/1/2003)

Is July 1, 2003 the best date in hardcore history? Both ETID and PTW released the best albums of their careers. But wait a minute… where are the breakdowns?! You mean I’m going to have to wait 20 years to realize this is the best album by the best hardcore band ever? I don’t have that kind of time.

Thrice “Artist in the Ambulance” (7/22/3003)

How do you follow the best album of all time? TAITA is good, but you know what would be really sweet? If they had some guest vocalists from some of our favorite bands, including some that don’t even exist yet, on like half the songs. A boy can dream…

The Bled “Pass the Flask” (7/29/2003)

Best breakdowns of the year and best song names in the game. They probably named it “Pass the Flask” cause this is the album that made us break edge. Or maybe that was part of a rough break up, either way, scraping off all our straight edge bumper stickers was a pain in the ass.

The Bouncing Souls “Anchors Aweigh” (8/26/2003)

The New Jersey punkers had already been a band for 15 years and had released 5 albums before this monument. Boy do I hope this brand of melodic, old school punk rock becomes popular and the Souls get all the credit. Would hate for them to get gaslighted by another band from New Brunswick.

The Bronx “The Bronx” (8/26/2003)

2003 was the year of the monster, genre-defining debuts it would seem. This is a fun one, eh? Where the hell did these guys come from? I’m assuming the Bronx. It also reminds me that my parents never wanted me to go to New York City because they thought I’d be pushed in front of a train.

Avenged Sevenfold “Waking the Fallen” (8/26/2003)

Like their forefathers before them, A7X put out a serious Metalcore masterpiece for their second album. Unfortunately for them, the genre will never catch on and they’ll never play a big venue like Madison Square Garden or anything.

Thursday “War All the Time” (9/16/2003)

How do you follow the best post-hardcore album of all time? Just put out another one. Easy peasy Jersey squeezy. The inspiration for the album title came from the constant battle of not wanting to clean your room before company came over.

Coheed & Cambria “In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth: 3” (10/7/2003)

Okay, lightning can strike twice I guess. After their 2002 debut album “The Second Stage Turbine Blade,” they come out with this monster record and solidify themselves in the genre of… uhh, damned if I know. SURELY lightning can’t strike a third time with their next album though, can it? Either way, dad said we’re too old for comic books.

Between the Buried and Me “The Silent Circus” (10/21/2003)

The second album for this hardcore/metal hybrid group is quite the doozy. I wonder where they will go from here. I mean this album is sweet, but what’s next? Space prog metal? If that happens maybe my dad will actually check it out.

Horse the Band “R. Borlax” (11/25/2003)

Another album, another debut. At this point, 2003 has to be up there with 1986 as the best year in hardcore history. As for Horse the Band… remember how much you loved the music in all the video games you played as a kid? Well, I’ve got some great news.

Honorable Mention:

Linkin Park “Meteora” (3/25/2003)

I know, I know… “Radio rap/rock sucks! The Mudvayne kid also liked Linkin Park!” It was fun and games until you actually listened to it and realized that it actually goes pretty hard.

Every Rise Against Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on July 6, 2023 by Chris Jones

Ah, Rise Against, also known as the token band for PETA and for having your favorite song in “Guitar Hero 3” If you’re over the age of twenty-five or so, you probably can recall a time when Chicago icons Rise Against was dominating airplay on just about every alternative and contemporary rock station in the country. Hailing from an era when pop punk was booming and bands addressing political and social issues were on the decline, Rise Against stood out from the crowd with their socially conscious but always catchy lyrics and fearless sound. Whether they were busy protesting wars, raising awareness of the vanishing American dream, or simply portraying the struggles of growing up poor in mercilessly cold Chicago, Rise Against has always had a gift for turning the painful cries of the disenfranchised into anthems that are impossible to not sing along to. It’s been far too long since Rise Against has truly been granted the spotlight and the last couple of years have more than proven there’s still plenty of horse shit for us to rise against today, so we’re taking the time to rank every one of their albums from worst to best – let’s get right to it.

9. Wolves (2017)

While “Wolves” itself is “Far From Perfect,” it definitely includes some tracks worth blasting on your headphones while stuck sandwiched against yet another group of Chicago tourists on the L train arguing over what deep dish pizza they should try. “Bullshit” comes to mind immediately, as it features ska-punk legend Jesse Michaels delivering killer backup vocals. “The Violence” on the other hand successfully plays to the band’s strength of producing kick ass guitar-led melodies. Much of the fun seems to stop there though. While other tracks like “How Many Walls” and “Welcome to the Breakdown” were meant to call out the atrocities of a burger-gobbling former president, they didn’t quite pack the punch needed for it to garner as much controversy and widespread appeal as the rest of their discography.

Play it again: “Miracle” and “The Violence”
Skip it: “How Many Walls”

8. The Black Market (2014)

This was the album where Tim McIlrath decided to approach his songwriting with a deep introspective tone. While the album is solid with notable songs like “Bridges,” it’s no surprise that the politically-charged protest songs are more fun than ones where things get so personal. That’s right, fast-paced songs like “The Eco-Terrorist In Me” about burning down factory farms are more fun than the more “thoughtful” songs like “Methadone” which doesn’t have a single mention of arson. Go figure.

Play it again: “Bridges” and “The Eco-Terrorist In Me”
Skip it: “Methadone”

7. The Unraveling (2001)

Kicking off with a soundbite from 1996 psychological thriller film “The Cable Guy” with Jack Black questioning, “Are you ready to rock?” Rise Against’s 2001 debut album instantly set them apart from the pop punk sound that was already dominating the new millennium. This album featured heavy, but controlled, chaos. You know – the kind of hardcore album that you would want to experience live while dodging drop kicks in the pit of a lively Chicago punk bar. It also revealed tracks like “My Life Inside Your Heart” and “Everchanging,” both offering a first glimpse of the melodic tendencies that would shape the band’s future releases.

Play it again: “Alive and Well” and “Everchanging”
Skip it: “Stained Glass and Marble”

6. Nowhere Generation (2021)

Spotlighting the failing promise of the American Dream, 2021’s “Nowhere Generation” brought Rise Against’s sound into the complete shitshow that we all find ourselves in today. Opening with a spooky line from the French anarchist anthem “L’Internationale” before thrashing into some of the band’s most in-your-face tracks yet, this album features Rise Against doing what they do best – delivering their hardcore sound complete with pain-stoked melodies that highlight the hypocrisy of the times. Leveraging days of intricate socio-economic research and even interviews with the band’s own children, “Nowhere Generation” successfully captures the hopeless and fractured society today’s youth find themselves struggling to survive.

Play it again: “Nowhere Generation” and “Broken Dreams, Inc”
Skip it: “Talking to Ourselves”

5. Revolutions per Minute (2003)

After gathering a respectably sized fanbase with their debut, the pressure was on for Rise Against when it came to make their follow up album, “Revolutions per Minute.” Fortunately, what they delivered was a relentless call for revolution featuring impressive songwriting that even their biggest fans never saw coming. Right off the bat this album is noticeably more melodic than its predecessor. It’s as if the band realized that Tim McIlrath can in fact sing, and that they should leverage the hell out of that. From tracks like “Dead Ringer” addressing dumbass claims that they “sold out” to “Blood-Red, White & Blue” covering everything fucked up about 9/11, this album showcases the band’s over-the-top musicianship and dark perspective on society. One of the album’s tracks, “Like the Angel,” also secured a spot on the “Tony Hawk Underground” soundtrack, which was a right of passage for any self-respecting punk band of the time. As far as second albums go, it’s hard to get better than this.

Play it again: “Like the Angel” and “Black Masks & Gasoline”
Skip it: “To the Core”

4. Endgame (2011)

“Endgame” gets a lot of hate and I can’t for the life of me see why. Sure – plenty of the album’s tracks sound structured for radio, but that doesn’t make them bad at all. Besides, there’s a reason why this album was their biggest commercial success – that reason being that it features some legit smashes. With lyrics like, “We are the orphans of the American dream, so shine your light on me,” and a song directly linking rising teen suicide rates with homophobia, “Endgame” features some of Rise Against’s most powerful songwriting in their entire catalogue. It rightfully belongs ranked just below their most celebrated albums, even if you got burnt out from hearing “Help Is On the Way” on the radio during every morning commute.

Play it again: “Satellite”
Skip it: “Disparity By Design”

Honorable Mention: The Ghost Note Symphonies, Vol. 1 (2018)

By 2018, Rise Against fans had been requesting an acoustic album for quite some time, so Tim McIlrath and the crew decided to deliver just that with “The Ghost Note Symphonies, Vol. 1”. It’s no surprise that this album turned out so great, seeing how several of the band’s stripped-down acoustic-led songs like “Swing Life Away” and “Hero of War” already were among their most beloved songs. The end result is a fun and extremely listenable album with a flawless and fresh take on plenty of Rise Against favorites that at least deserves a mention in our list.

Play it again: “Audience Of One – Ghost Note Symphonies” (One of Rise Against’s biggest sleeper hits works like a fucking charm in acoustic)
Skip it: “Faint Resemblance – Ghost Note Symphonies” (Swap the ukulele for an acoustic guitar and this wouldn’t have sounded like a weird punk luau)

3. Siren Song of the Counter Culture (2004)

“Siren Song of the Counter Culture” was the first Rise Against album I ever heard, and that means it was probably the same for you because there was no way you knew about them before me, ok? The album completely evolved the band from a Chicago sensation into a breakthrough act thanks to several hits featuring a distinctive sound that still holds up today. Whether you’re looking at the solemn but ever-hopeful story of a couple struggling to make ends meet in “Swing Life Away,” the brightly euphoric opening guitar riff of “Paper Wings,” or the unorthodoxly positive but still batshit wild rager that is “Give It All,” it’s easy to see why this album helped Rise Against truly dip their toes into the national spotlight for the first time.

Play it again: “Paper Wings,” “Give It All,” and “Swing Life Away”
Skip it: “To Them These Streets Belong”

2. Appeal to Reason (2008)

“Appeal to Reason” strayed away from the underground hardcore punk sound Rise Against perfected in previous releases. While this made plenty of longtime fans cautious at first, the album fortunately turned out to be a total banger. Notable hits include “Re-Education (Through Labor)” serving as a fist-pumping anthem for the world’s exploited working class, “Savior” covering a struggling relationship in the most delightfully dramatic way possible, and the band’s arguably saddest song ever, “Hero of War,” sharing a soldier’s journey from an underprivileged teenager targeted by military recruiters to a PTSD suffering veteran so haunted by the horrors of war to the point that he’s on the verge of suicide. Seeing that the album peaked at number 3 on the Billboard 200, “Appeal to Reason” is proof that there will always be an international audience ready to celebrate punk bands rooted in activism – as long as they produce some fucking jams.

Play it again: “Re-Education (Through Labor)” and “Audience of One”
Skip it: “Hairline Fracture”

1. The Sufferer & the Witness (2006)

As a proud resident of Chicago, I knew this would be the Rise Against album for me the second I heard it open with “Intro/Chamber The Cartridge” parodying the intercom voice of the Chicago L train with, “This is Noise.” Oozing with showmanship and genuine dedication to the hometown that built them up, “The Sufferer & the Witness” is a damn perfect album full of distinctive nods to the band’s punk activist roots while featuring an evolved sound that drew in all kinds of new fans. While nothing dates a band more today than having albums from the midst of the Bush administration, the cries for action driven by powerfully urgent shouts from Tim McIlrath and wailing guitar featured on “The Sufferer & the Witness” feel timeless. You could also say it’s eerie how much the lyrics of Rise Against’s globally-acclaimed song “Prayer of the Refugee” match with the conflicts of today, such as the totally-fucked war in Ukraine. The song almost comes off as a warning that the wars of tomorrow will always bring forced displacement and discrimination – while somehow still pulling off being one of the most contagiously explosive punk anthems of all time.

Play it again: “Prayer of the Refugee,” “Drones,” and “Ready to Fall”
Skip it: Don’t fucking insult me

One of This Venue’s Door Guys Always Tells the Truth and One Always Lies, Can You Enter Before the Band Starts?

Posted on July 6, 2023 by Nathan Kamal

The time has finally come: you’re about to see your favorite band at the Mud Crotch, your town’s best and only music venue. However, a word of warning for a weary traveler: one of the door guys at the Mud Crotch always tells the truth, but the other will only tell lies.

If you can figure out their enigmatic, borderline-racist statements, you’ll get to see former Styx singer Dennis DeYoung’s drummer’s new band!

Go forth, music fan! Beware of the door guys and their labyrinth of paradoxes!

You: Hey, I’m here for the show.

Door Guy #1: Oh yonder traveler, no doubt a concert you seek, but to enter these doors, you can only one question speak!

Door Guy #2: Behind one door is the show by the drummer who works with the guy who used to be in Styx, but behind the other door is just more of our tricks!

Think: you can ask only one question, but one will lie and the other will tell the truth. Hurry! It sounds like the opener is wrapping up with a bad cover of an Aerosmith song!

You: I’m friends with the manager.

Great, that’ll buy you some time, though you also kind of seem like a dick now!

Door Guy #1: He’s not in tonight. Uh, so that question is not right.

Door Guy #2: That wasn’t a question at all, let’s see your ID, bu-bawl.

Bu-bawl? These guys aren’t very committed to the rhyme thing. Oh well, maybe keep stalling?

You: Well I mean, I’m pretty sure my name is on the list. I’m just saying.

Door Guy #1: If on this list your name your name appears, myself you may call Richard Gears.

You: Richard Gears? What does that even…

Door Guy #2: It’s hard to make rhymes on the spot! Now ask your question, last chance you’ve got!

Okay, you’ve got one chance to see this show. Just go for it.

You: Which door the other guy would say is the right one?

Door Guy #1: Ah, the right question to ask, to accomplish your task! This one.

Door Guy #2: Yeah, that one.

You: Right, yeah, I just realized you guys are just copying a riddle I learned in like the third grade. Kind of a hacky bit guys.

Door Guy #1: Dude, that’s rude.

Door Guy #2: Very rude!

You: Well if one of you is lying, I guess one of you actually thinks I have a point.

Door Guy #1: Fuck off.

Door Guy #2: Just go in. Six-drink minimum, asshole.

Report: 72% of Designated “Jamming Spaces” in Basements Go Un-Jammed In Each Year

Posted on July 6, 2023 by Jessica Lillian

WARRENTON, Va. – A disappointing 72% of basement areas set up as “jamming spaces” in U.S. homes go un-jammed in every year, according to a shocking report from the Center for Residential Jamming Studies (CRJS).

“Even the best-insulated, well-stocked jamming spaces across the country become tragically dank and dusty,” stated Ginny Edwards, lead analyst at CRJS. “Amateur musicians who claim they invite their buddies over every Thursday night to drink beer and casually play their instruments are, by and large, total liars. We found that ‘jamming spaces’ shared with laundry rooms fared even worse, with 85% hardly ever utilized for their stated purpose. Guitars and drum sets turn into nothing more than expensive clothes drying racks.”

Embarrassed residents who reluctantly guided reporters into their homes’ basements confirmed the lack of casual musicianship.

“I guess I could take down the egg crate foam from the walls at this point,” admitted Alberto Morley, a 32-year-old IT professional and member of inactive local punk band Serpentine Shellac. “But when my little cousin came over last summer for a birthday party, she made me do all the funny sound effects on the keyboard, so there we go,” he added, shoving aside a stack of plastic tubs labeled “XMas Decorations: FRAGILE” to access his keyboard and a long-abandoned bass guitar. “And sometimes our cat Hazelnut chews the amp cord after she jumps out of her litter box right there. Oh yeah, it’s really shredded up now. Looks like its been used for real.”

Seasoned local real estate agent Donna-Lynn Quadrotto said the CRJS’ troubling report will not change her approach when showing homes.

“This is nothing new,” Quadrotto explained. “People get excited when they tour a place and see basically any empty and reasonably dry basement area that has a floor and walls. It’s the same as when they say they’ll finally ‘have the space’ to do their ‘Yoga With Adriene’ videos every day or build a wood workshop or whatever. Yeah, sure. No amount of bad press can dampen the irresistible call of a room for hobbies. So any time I have a client who mentions music or ‘the guys,’ I get that basement ready. make sure to throw down a cheap rug, sprinkle a few drops of whiskey on it for atmosphere and to cover up any mold smell, and borrow a few guitars for staging. They eat it up every time.”

At press time, CRJS reported that jamming spaces thrive in small illegal studio apartments, where they conveniently double as eating, sleeping, and drug consumption spaces.