SEATTLE — Sociologists at the University of Washington confirmed that midday coffee is the best first date for people who can’t get enough of shitting and panicking, confirmed sources who couldn’t wait to find the love of their life between the hours of 12:00 p.m. and 3:00 p.m.
“We’ve been studying dating options for a while to narrow down what kinds of dates work best for what kinds of people,” shared a top sociologist Sarah Fleming. “With most dates, we’ve had trouble breaking down exactly what makes them special. But finally, we were able to distill a coffee date into its most basic elements: panic attacks and IBS. After that, the conclusions pretty much drew themselves. It’s like God designed the perfect date for panicked poopers, and it was right under our noses all along. We think this will really elevate the Starbucks-based dating experience.”
Singles in the local dating pool shared their thoughts about the news.
“I’d been struggling to find a first date venue that works best for me. I was tired of bars and the whole late night scene,” said Ariana Allen. “You know, I’m not really a night owl, so I’ve often felt really out of place on dates. I’m more of a stay home and get cozy having a panic attack on the toilet kind of gal. So hearing about this discovery has opened up a whole new hyped up, poop-filled dating world for me. I think I might finally be able to find love.”
Madison Perretta, a certified dating expert, spoke in depth about the implications that this study will have for the dating world.
“It’s important to pick a first date that is true to who you are to guarantee your own long-term happiness, as well as to make sure your partner knows what life with you could look like,” said Perretta. “So it makes complete sense that a coffee date would be absolutely perfect for couples who have embraced their IBS and panic disorder. This discovery will be so validating for so many people. Especially the aforementioned shitters.”
It’s being reported that in light of this news, the makers of Coffee Meets Bagel are working on a sister app called Coffee Meets Bowel.
