Mattsaincome, Author at HARDTIMES

Guy Wearing Mercyful Fate Shirt Inside 200-Year-Old Church Kind of Disappointed He Didn’t Burst into Flames Upon Entering

Posted on September 2, 2024 by Chris Bowen

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local heavy metal fan Eric Tullman was saddened that the Mercyful Fate shirt he was wearing while making an emergency restroom stop in a historic church didn’t cause him to combust when he entered, several sources report.

“After mixing a full portion of Rochester New York’s gourmet dining staple known as a ‘garbage plate’ and my horrible, hyperactive Irritable Bowel Syndrome, I needed a bathroom, fast. Unfortunately, the nearest building to me at the time was this super old church,” Tillman explained, adding he noticed a wedding procession taking place inside. “I thought, ‘I have to really take a shit, but I don’t want to explode because of my shirt…but then again, how cool of a story would it be to crash a wedding with Mercyful Fate-induced human fireball?’ So I ran into the church and though I didn’t burst into flames, I did end up crapping my pants and was kicked out immediately. Better luck next time, I guess!”

According to King Diamond, there is a long story behind why people in situations similar to Tullman’s don’t end up as ash piles.

“When Mercyful Fate became more and more established, people wearing our shirts in churches were set ablaze left-and-right. As evil and badass as this was, I knew that this couldn’t go on forever, so I struck a deal with God,” Mr. Diamond stated. “He and I agreed that if he stopped making my fans explode, I promised to not release any new music, and in turn stop spreading the word of our lord Lucifer for a minimum of a decade at a time. Sure it’s not very metal, but the safety of my fans is #1 priority.”

Music historian Richard Green claims shirts from bands across many genres have caused unusual phenomena.

“Aside from the obvious being a catalyst for potential insults, a lot of bands underestimate the power their t-shirts wield,” Green explained. “Sometimes a simple band shirt can bestow unimaginable abilities on whoever is wearing it. As a matter of fact, one kid in the late 1990s became instantly proficient in both skateboarding and bowling simply by wearing a Goldfinger shirt. I’d say that’s a pretty decent reward for taking a gamble on being seen in public wearing a ska band’s merch.”

At press time, Tullman became disappointed even further when the Mortician t-shirt he wore to a local horror convention didn’t give him any additional film knowledge in his attempt to impress actor Robert Englund.

Six Songs We Listened To This Week While Waiting For Oasis To Break Up Again

Posted on September 1, 2024 by Corey Montgomery

With so many cash grab nostalgia tours coming into town, it can be easy to think that listening to new music is somehow not cool anymore. The truth is, new music has always been cool, it’s just you that hasn’t been this whole time. Not to worry, though. We’ll fix this like we fix every single other problem in your life: with a hefty dose of newly released tracks hand picked by the Hard Times staff.

Bad Moves ‘Outta My Head’

DC power pop heroes Bad Moves are set to release their third album ‘Wearing Out The Refrain’ in just a few short weeks. The teaser tracks we’ve heard so far have only served to cement the band as one of the best in their genre. Their latest, ‘Outta My Head,’ is the exact kind of song you’d expect to play over the closing credits of the best summer of your life. So, ya know, maybe next year.

The Menzingers ‘Second City’

The beloved Chicago based punk label, Rise Records, is celebrating their 20th anniversary with a compilation album filled to the brim with new tracks from their storied roster. Former signees, The Menzingers, have just shared their contribution to the absolutely stacked project in the form of the excellent and appropriately titled new track, ‘Second City,’ an ode to the label’s home base.

Enumclaw ‘Grocery Store’

Indie rock newcomers Enumclaw have been steadily making a name for themselves since their debut album in 2022. Armed with viscerally catchy hooks, jagged guitars, and a rhythm section that could cause a building to collapse, it’s no wonder why their star is on the rise. Their sophomore album, ‘Home In Another Life,’ will whisk you back to the early aughts, but hopefully with less of whatever it was you were doing back then.

Vomit Forth ‘Negative Penance’

No, your computer isn’t dying, that’s just how impossibly fast the blast beats are in Vomit Forth’s latest single ‘Negative Penance.’ While we’re not sure we can legally call what they’re doing ‘music,’ we can say that without a doubt it is impressively heavy. We’re not responsible if the breakneck speed of this one causes you to literally ‘vomit forth,’ but we highly recommend you contact your medical professional if that ends up being the case.

Sylvan Esso, The Postal Service ‘The District Sleeps Alone Tonight (Sylvan Esso Remix)’

It seems as though we’ve been celebrating the 20th anniversary of The Postal Service’s sole album ‘Give Up’ for about 30 years now. Well, the party isn’t stopping anytime soon now that Sylvan Esso has entered the chat. In honor of Death Cab For Cutie and The Postal Service’s recently extended joint tour, the duo has released their mind-bendlingly chopped remix of the latter’s ‘The District Sleeps Alone Tonight.’

Oasis ‘Live Forever – Monnow Valley Version’

When two rich white men have beef for nearly two decades, love can work miracles. A presumably giant dump truck of money probably doesn’t hurt, either. In addition to announcing their first tour dates in 16 years, Oasis have also released a treasure trove of ‘Definitely, Maybe’ outtakes including a full length discarded version of the album recorded at Monnow Valley Studios. Welcome back Oasis. We really hope you ‘Live Forever’ this time, but we’re buying ticket insurance either way.

Because we know you’re now clamoring for even more music, we’ve compiled these and a fuckton more songs into a handy playlist for you. Click here to listen and dazzle your friends with your newfound relevancy.

Opinion: I Don’t Care What We Name the Band, Just as Long as It Takes 6 Months of Arguing

Posted on September 1, 2024 by Dan Rice

I want you all to ignore any association you have and just focus on these names in and of themselves: Is Weezer a cool name? How about The Replacements? If you had no idea who The Mountain Goats were and saw they were coming to town would you think “Well I have to check that band out because they’re called “The Mountain Goats!” No, of course not. My point is a band’s name is only as good as a band’s music. It doesn’t matter what we call ourselves, just as long as whatever we land on takes months of arguing, truly alienating frustration, and the genuine dissolution of friendships.

Let’s fucking go, let’s spitball! Come on people, there are no bad ideas. The Horsecats? Dumb. Blood Party? Too metal. Slowball? Sounds vaguely similar to an obscure 1800’s racial slur, pass. This is great though, keep em coming everybody, just 6-8 more months to go and I think we’ll really have something that works.

Let me be clear, this is it for me. I’m in it for the sheer unadulterated frustration of arguing over something that is ultimately trivial for as long as possible. You think I LIKE playing drums? Fuck no. I spent a decade mastering this stupid instrument as a means to get me HERE. For me, playing music is just the cost of doing business. Let’s talk NAMES baby, and as far as I’m concerned, let’s never stop.

Oh, you wanna go with something simple that incorporates all of our last names? Think you’ve found a quick, democratic way out of all this eh? Well, lemme ask ya this: Whose name comes first? Who’s last? Come to think of it, which is better, first or last? And does that make the middle the worst? How about we argue about THAT endlessly, then abandon the last names idea, then circle BACK to it when other name debates get too heated and start the whole thing over again? This isn’t my first rodeo kid. Ain’t gonna be no shortcuts.

Oh, a whiteboard! To write all of our ideas down, great idea! Yeah that will really speed things along. I’ll start us off, Mannequin Pussy. Yeah I know it’s already a band, it’s a great band, that’s why I think we should also use that name. Well, we can spell it different. I don’t care if you disagree, it’s a brainstorm, write it down. There we go, “Mannequin Pussy,” nice handwriting by the way. We’re off to a great start. Now, who wants to order takeout and get drunk?

Solution to All of Man’s Problems Can Be Solved With Non-Running 1985 Ford F150 Long Bed He Found on Facebook Marketplace for $800

Posted on September 1, 2024 by Dan Kozuh

PITTSBURGH — Local man Greg Walters reportedly found the answer to all of life’s problems and challenges in the form of a non-running 1985 Ford F150 Long Bed he impulsively purchased on Facebook Marketplace for $800, bewildered friends confirm.

“This truck is going to change everything. It’s not just a truck; it’s a lifestyle, a project that will give my life purpose,” Walters declared while standing in his driveway next to the rusted-out shell of what used to be a vehicle. “I have always felt this existential emptiness in my chest and this baby here is exactly what I need to fill it. This baby boasts an impressive 80,000 miles on the odometer—but that’s probably rolled over once or twice. Sure, a few of the engine pistons are locked up, there is no fuel going to the carburetor, and when I try to turn on the lights they spark and almost start a fire—but that’s why I got it, to put my whole self into something that needs saving.”

Friends report that Walters asked them to help him spend the afternoon carefully inspecting the truck’s body and listing everything that needs work.

“For a guy that knows nothing about cars [Walters] is in way over his head. The passenger side door barely hangs on its hinges, and the rear bumper is held on by what appears to be zip ties. The brakes are completely seized, and the floor of the cab is completely rusted through,” Walters’ friend and mechanic Amy Zariah said. “I have a feeling this is just going to end up as one of [Walters] long abandoned projects. Like when he decided to become a sneakerhead and spent $1,200 on a single pair of shoes.”

Dr. Angela Marino, an expert in consumer psychology at the University of Pittsburgh, weighed in on the situation.

“There’s a phenomenon where, as people age and can’t find fulfillment in their social life or career, they sink their time and money into, shall we say, lost causes. It’s a classic example of trying to reclaim a sense of purpose through a task that’s almost guaranteed to be more frustrating than rewarding,” Dr. Marino explained. “In Walters’ case, he appears to be seeking fulfillment in a project that will likely require extensive talent and resources, neither of which he has in abundance.”

As of the latest reports, Walters has yet to work on the truck whatsoever, but has instead gotten into woodworking after seeing a TikTok about refurbishing mid-century modern furniture.

Taking the High Road: It’s Been 30 Years Since Insane Clown Posse Released “Santa’s a Fat Bitch” and I’ve Yet to Hear a Response Diss Track

Posted on September 1, 2024 by Steve Packosky

These days, it seems like division is ingrained into the very fabric of our society. Whether it’s politics, religion, or even sports fandom, the possibility for otherwise civil discourse to become heated is higher than ever. Even music isn’t immune to this ever-present tension, and as a huge hip-hop fan, I find myself disheartened at the constant back-and-forth between my favorite artists. Drake and Kendrick Lamar. Eminem and Machine Gun Kelly. Gucci Mane and Young Jeezy. Some days I feel like I can’t turn my head without learning of a new beef, and the insults are enough for me to give up hope that we’ll ever find a collective higher ground.

There is, however, one example to the contrary that has continuously lifted my spirits for the past several decades. 30 years ago, Insane Clown Posse released the song “Santa’s a Fat Bitch,” and I have yet to hear a response diss track. Is it because Santa has been too busy spreading joy to millions of children year after year, or because he sees no need to stoop to the, quite frankly, churlish and juvenile levels reached in that unwarranted musical polemic? To me, it makes no difference. The precedent Santa is setting can be viewed as a shining beacon to which we all should aspire.

And don’t get me wrong, I haven’t always been confident that Santa would refrain from clapping back. After all, with lyrics like “I guess you couldn’t fit down my chimney shaft; you need to lose some of that fat ass,” could we possibly blame him had he done so? Yet, Christmas comes and goes every year with Santa thanklessly performing his duties; presumably uninterested in contributing to the ceaseless maelstrom of negativity to which we’ve become woefully accustomed. Bravo, Santa. Bravo!

I certainly hope both Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope regret their harsh and unnecessary words so many years ago, and are seeing Santa’s response (or lack thereof) as an opportunity to better themselves going forward. I suppose an honest apology from the two rhyming harlequins would be too much to hope for, but can you blame a guy for dreaming? For now, Santa is saying more with his silence than they ever have.

So let’s all take a page from Santa’s book and strive to converse with one another, instead of at one another. I promise you that such a simple pivot in our behavior will pay dividends for generations to come. Thanks, Santa!

Man Unsure If He’s Listening to Grateful Dead Live Recording or Just In a Guitar Center on a Saturday Afternoon

Posted on September 1, 2024 by John Danek

BURLINGTON, Vt. — Local extremely confused man Kirk Unger struggled to determine if he was hearing a live recording of The Grateful Dead or just standing in the main room at Guitar Center on a busy Saturday afternoon, concerned onlookers reported.

“Look man, I’m not saying I’m on drugs right now, but I’m not NOT saying I’m on drugs either. And I cannot tell if this fantastic groove is the Dead–maybe Washington D.C., 1986?” stated Unger, seemingly unbothered by the multiple Fender Telecasters he knocked over earlier in the day. “I’m hearing multiple musicians harmonize in really avant garde ways, but I’m also hearing subtle homages to ‘Master of Puppets’ and ‘Seven Nation Army.’ Am I in a Guitar Center? Or is the main room of Guitar Center within each and every one of us? Is Jerry still alive?”

Longtime employees of the Burlington location Guitar Center seemed vexed by their own perceptions of reality.

“I cannot do this anymore. I cannot. I’m done. What even is sound? A little kid was butchering the first four notes of Stairway this morning when the Grateful Dead came on the in-store radio. Why does God hate me so much?” asked an exasperated Lisa McCollins, longtime employee in Guitar Center’s drum department. “Later, seven dads all came in to test out the most expensive Les Pauls through Marshall half-stacks. I think maybe one bought some picks. I don’t deserve this punishment. Maybe I’ve inherited sin from my family ancestors. Please, someone, bash my skull in with a Big Muff Pi pedal.”

Musicologists attempt to offer a logical, researched explanation of the appeal of the Grateful Dead’s music.

“Jerry Garcia and his bandmates perfected a form of disconnected noodling played by musicians who don’t care at all what their fellow performers are doing,” offered Dr. Thomas Yardley, professor of music composition & theory at The University of Vermont. “The Grateful Dead, and jam bands in general, create a particular form of benign chaos. Largely unlistenable to the sober ear, the music gets infinitely more pleasurable the more fucked up you get. I’m happy to draw you a graph, if you’d like a visual representation.”

As of press time, Unger was reportedly debating whether or not he was listening to Merzbow or in fact standing next to a cement mixer.

Opinion: The Fact That the Muppets Only Took Manhattan Means They’ll Never Be “Real” New Yorkers

Posted on August 31, 2024 by Mimi Kenny

Ready for a geography lesson? New York City is comprised of five boroughs: the Bronx, Brooklyn, Manhattan, Queens, and Staten Island, each bearing its own inscrutable mystique. However, some seem to believe that the world of New York City begins and ends in the most sanitized corners of one section. At the risk of pointing fingers, the Muppets and their apparent unwillingness to branch out beyond pockets of Manhattan means they’ll never be able to lay claim to being genuine New Yorkers.

Granted, I understand Kermit and his friends were staging a Broadway musical (not exactly my scene but I try not to judge) and thus probably wouldn’t be able to check off even half of the items on the “New York Shitty” itinerary my Uncle Tripp made in ‘81. But that doesn’t mean the opportunities weren’t there.

Like, when they meet all those rats working at the diner. I felt a wave of relief, eagerly anticipating a subsequent scene where they all go huff glue in Prospect Park and give each other stick ’n pokes. The closest it gets is a brief moment in Central Park (snore) where no one so much as lights a cigarette. Like, yeah, Miss Piggy kicks this dude’s ass, but it’s nothing compared to the time my buddy Mulch threw a Big Gulp cup full of piss through the window of a moving cop car in Far Rockaway. Or the time he found a lamp on the sidewalk and immediately smashed it over a Proud Boy’s head. God, I miss him.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Look, I get the Fozzie or Gonzo or whoever might not be quite that wild. And maybe they didn’t have time for a complete experience. But even if they were stuck in Manhattan, there’s so much more they could’ve done. Like, did no one in Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem check to see what was going down at CBGB? We could’ve had Animal experiencing the primal power of Steve DePace’s fills. Is there an extended edition that leans more in this direction? Because the studio cut is not it.

“What’s the big deal?” you might be asking. Well, if you have to ask, sadly, you’re also never going to be a real New Yorker. Now, I need to get going. I just moved into a new duplex in Hoboken and I haven’t even started unpacking.

Lucky Astronauts Still Stranded in Space During Election Year

Posted on August 31, 2024 by Matt Husser

HOUSTON — Stranded Boeing Starliner astronauts are considering themselves lucky as a delay pushed their return back to February 2025, therefore continuing to trap them in space during the election year, NASA sources confirmed.

“When you’re stranded in space, it’s hard not to lose hope—sometimes I look down at that pale blue dot and wonder if I’ll ever get home. But in my lowest moments I think to myself, ‘well at least I’m not stuck in America with those lunatics during an election year,’” said NASA astronaut Butch Wilmore, looking out the window on the International Space Station. “I know my family is worried about me, and I wish they could be up here with me safe from the campaign ads and Trump rallies. But at the end of the day, it’s an honor and a privilege to be one of the lucky few orbiting the planet as far away from MAGA weirdos as humanly possible.”

Wilmore’s family reportedly stayed strong despite the reality that their loved one would remain in space while trapped in an inhospitable hellhole during an election year.

“We’re all so proud of him, and I’m trying to stay strong for the family, but I have to admit that it’s been tough knowing that he’s blissfully isolated in the peaceful vacuum of space without us,” said Wilmore’s wife Claire, turning off a CNN exposé about J.D. Vance wiping a booger on his family dog. “Between the endless attack ads, the threats of political violence, and whatever bizarre shit RFK Jr. says every 48 hours, it’s been really difficult to explain to the kids why they’re stuck down here while their Dad is safe in a fragile metal tube traveling around the Earth at a relaxing 250 MPH.”

NASA engineers were already hard at work installing additional fail-safes to ensure that no more astronauts would be stranded in space in the event they intentionally tried to delay their returns until 2025.

“I can assure you that those of us in Mission Control are doing everything in our power to get these astronauts home as soon as possible, because frankly it’s not fair that they get to be up there while the rest of us down here have to endure another election cycle,” said NASA engineer Maggie Belmont, writing calculations on a whiteboard. “These lucky bastards are so busy trying to survive in a hostile environment that they have no idea that Mindy Kaling called Nancy Pelosi the ‘Mother of Dragons’ at the Democratic National Convention. And God forbid anything goes wrong, but at least they would burn up upon reentry without ever seeing a ‘Trumpy Trout’.”

Meanwhile competition was reportedly fiercer than ever for the first manned mission to Mars that would see astronauts hurtling through undiscovered reaches of space for the next two election cycles.

Our Next President Needs To Bring Back Family Values, By Which I Mean Korn’s Semi-Annual Family Values Tour

Posted on August 31, 2024 by Rob Steinberg

Let’s face it. This country has changed and not for the better. Inflation, never-ending wars, global warming, and overall lack of decency. We all know where these things stem from. It’s not a Republican or a Democrat issue. It’s the lack of Korn’s music and their annual Family Values Tour.

Once a year, or every other year depending on the scheduling, Korn would go from town to town like a traveling preacher reminding us Americans of the importance of Nu Metal and how it improves family dynamics. They’d bring in their friends like Deftones, Limp Bizkit, and Rammstein. My dad would drive us all there with his classic jokes like “Korn on a Bizkit!” and we’d all laugh. My mom would knit us all homemade band merch in case we got cold. My brother and sister and I would have a scavenger hunt over who could find the most dropped septum piercings in the moshpit. There wasn’t a cell phone in sight, just people shouting “South Park” quotes at each other and swapping dreadlock maintenance tips.

Then came 2008. There was no Family Values Tour planned. We didn’t pay attention at first because the tours were never consistent every year, but then 2009 came and Family Values was once again missing. Then 2010 and still no return. Clearly, the Obama administration was not interested in Family Values.

In 2013 as society was continuing to crumble, Obama tried to save us all by finally bringing back Family Values. But it wasn’t the Family Values Tour was it, Obama? It was called the “Family Values Festival” which didn’t even tour the country! It was a single-day-long event that only took place in Broomfield, Colorado. According to Obama, only the elites of Broomfield deserved Family Values while the rest of middle America was left in the dust. At least Obama threw us those breadcrumbs. Both the Trump and Biden administrations didn’t even bother to bring back Family Values.

If either Trump or Kamala truly wants to earn our votes, it’s clear what issues they stand behind, and by that I of course mean the 1999 Korn album Issues. Only then should we Follow The Leader. If Trump or Kamala don’t even get that reference, then our country is truly lost.

Construction Worker Tells Alice Cooper “You’d Be Prettier With Less Makeup On, Sweetie”

Posted on August 31, 2024 by Chris Bratton

PHOENIX — A group of local construction workers told legendary rock star Alice Cooper that he’d look prettier with less makeup as he walked by a local condo development site, confirmed sources who weren’t sure if that’s technically catcalling.

“I just wanted him to know that long locks flowing from a top hat is gorgeous, just make sure that hair don’t hide that beautiful face! Speaking of that pretty face, why so much cakey makeup? He don’t need it, he’s a stunner!” said construction worker Ben Palubinski while pretending to hammer a nail. “Black and white striped blazer with small waisted skinny jeans? My god, he’d look like a sexy little Beetlejuice if he wore less foundation. But I will also say, he would look a little bit prettier if he learned to smile more.”

Cooper, however, was seemingly a little shaken up from the incident.

“You know, I’m sick of this shit. I remember a time when a guy in head to toe leather could comfortably cross the street, and none of these knuckleheads would whistle at you just because you were holding a whip or had a live snake wrapped around your neck,” said Cooper. “Days when I am feeling a little unsure of myself sometimes I put on a codpiece with a chrome skull on it, but that’s for me. It’s like, my eyes are up here and they’re pretty hard to miss because they are absolutely covered in eyeliner. It’s my eyes, my choice.”

The interactions between anyone and an elderly rockstar can prove to be a bit tricky, according to mediator Kendall Meledosian.

“First off, don’t approach too quickly. Their long hair and multiple scarves can obstruct certain lines of sight and you certainly do not want to startle them. And don’t mention their clothing!” said Meledosian. “They have had the responsibility of looking cool while doing drugs for decades, eventually you are gonna look like a Californian Raisin wearing snakeskin boots, so spare them the dignity. Offering them hard candy is also nice, they’ve been shouting at crowds for half of a century, their throat is probably a little scratchy. Overall, just be kind and absolutely never comment on their makeup techniques, as much as you want to.”

In a shocking twist, new reports show that Cooper has been spotted recently without his signature eye makeup, stating J.D. Vance ruined it for everyone.