Since the ‘70s, Jim Henson’s Muppetts have been tasked with providing that rare breed of high-quality four-quadrant comedy that the whole family can truly enjoy. It’s a tall order, and therefore, it’s no surprise that so many of them turn to the world of hardcore bondage and sadomasochism for release.
While any person or puppet should be free to explore their sexuality in privacy, time and time again America’s favorite anthropomorphic entertainers have pushed the boundaries of the taboo all the way to the front page. While seeing them on their variety show or in one of their various films is a delight, as soon as you see one on the news you know you’re about to hear about yet another drug-fuelled sex club-related arrest.
So which one of Henson’s whimsical creations has the most deplorable proclivities? We’ve crunched the data and ranked the Muppetts by the number of times their run-ins with the law at sex clubs have made headlines:
25. Statler and Waldorf
Statler and Waldorf have never been arrested at a sex club, but that doesn’t mean they’re strangers to the scene. If you’ve got a verbal humiliation kink, these silver Daddies are the best in the business.
24. Lew Zealand
You can cook one, you can eat one, you can throw one like a boomerang, but there are some things you just can’t do with a fish without someone calling the authorities. You’re Lew Zealand pal, not Led Zeppelin, show a little restraint!
23. The Swedish Chef
When your safeword is “Sher ber guurv” it’s only a matter of time before things go south, especially when half the shit you say sounds like some variation of that. An intoxicated Swedish Chef was arrested after verbally berating a dominatrix for stopping too much at a BDSM club called “Strings Attached” back in 1996.
22. Janice
She was arrested at an S&M club only once in 2003, having handcuffed herself to a radiator with “George W. Bush” written across her chest encouraging patrons to throw deli meat at her as a conceptual art piece protesting the war in Iraq.
21. Gene
In a highly publicized incident at an LA alternative lifestyle bar called Chompers, Gene was arrested for soliciting participants in what he called “Consensual cannibalism.” He is still awaiting trial and is currently in talks with Armie Hammer’s legal team.
20. Sweetums
He’s been arrested 4 times to date for harassment at alternative lifestyle clubs and bars, but not for sexual harassment. Sweetums goes there to preach the word of Christ to all the “poor sinners” and refuses to leave until he’s said his peace. Martyrdom is a kink too Sweetums, get off your high horse!
19. Rizzo the Rat
As anyone who has been to one knows, BDSM clubs can be a hotbed for drug activity. Dealers know that most cops are too square to step foot into those places, and they become emboldened. But when 9 people wind up in the hospital on the same night because a rodent sold them a concoction of furniture varnish, bath salts and Sudafed he tried to pass off as club drugs, police will take notice.
18. Floyd Pepper
He’s been arrested at alternative lifestyle clubs on numerous occasions, allegedly all due to incidents involving a severe scatological fetish, though it’s rumored that’s just a cover to mask the fact that he’s massively incontinent.
17. Zoot
It is estimated that 70% of people making a scene while being kicked out of sex clubs are dudes in bucket hats, and Zoot is no exception.
16. Scooter
BDSM clubs and kink events are supposed to be a safe and consensual space to explore desires that square society considers indecent, but there’s no safe and consensual way to practice the shit Scooter is into. His fetish for getting subs hooked on cocaine and becoming their sugar daddy is simply deplorable, a fact which he has been told at many a nightclub that he has refused to leave until he gets dragged away in handcuffs.
15. Bobo the Bear
Sexually Bobo identifies as an otter, despite being a bear. It’s confusing and has led to more than a few arguments at BDSM clubs. Throw a little alcohol in the mix the paws start flying and it’s just a mess.
14. Crazy Harry
There’s the safe way to practice fire play and then there’s the way Harry does it. It’s almost as if his kink is being arrested for reckless endangerment.
13. Dr. Teeth
Dr. Teeth cultivates the mystique of The Electric Mayhem very carefully. Just look at the various videos of him being dragged out of sex clubs in handcuffs. Look at how good his hair looks under that perfectly placed black leather spiked top hat. And isn’t it curious that the clubs always wind up dropping the charges as soon as the media frenzy dies down? These arrests are 100% staged so that the good doctor can maintain his dangerous bad-boy image. In real life, he’ll take a quiet night in reading early Russian literature over a spanking any day.
12. Lips
Never go to a sex club with a guy named “Lips,” you’re just asking for trouble.
11. Miss Piggy
If you thought she was abusive towards Kermit, you should see what this hog gets up to on a Saturday night. Mistress Piggy is one of the cruelest and most sadistic kinksters in the United States, specializing in financial domination, hoof worship (receiving), and erotic karate chops. She delights in bringing powerful men (and frogs) to their knees, and she can seriously fly off the handle when a client does something to displease her, like bringing her the wrong flowers or failing to arrive with their remote control vibrating anal beads inserted and ready. These meltdowns have been featured on TMZ many times.
10. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
You can do a lot at a BDSM club but one thing you can’t do is saw out a bunch of drywall and fuck with the wiring, even if you are “just conducting an experiment to study the effects of high voltage current and verbal humiliation on my scrotum.”
9. Rowlf the Dog
Rowlf is a pet-play fetishist who has been arrested several times for paying doms to walk him around on a collar and leash in several public parks and family-friendly eateries. He has, however, never been convicted of a crime, on the technicality that he is, in fact, a dog.
8. Link Hogthrob
Not every club is cool with the diaper thing, read the fine print Link.
7. Fozzie Bear
If you think his jokes are bad, wait till you hear how he talks to women he assumes are sex workers at alternative nightclubs. You’re not fooling anyone with that “Put your hand up my ass” line Fozzie, we all know you’re not that kind of puppet. Waka waka!
6. Beauregard
A textbook voyeur, Beaureguard was always getting thrown out of BDSM clubs and kink events for violating the “no recording” policy, so he decided to take things a step further. Posing as a janitor he would infiltrate the establishments during off hours and install hidden cameras all over the place, including the restroom of course. Real sicko. Well the operation wound up getting expensive so naturally Beaureguard started selling the footage to the Russian mob, and that’s when he got in real trouble. He is currently believed to be in the witness protection program, though it’s hard to say how effective that is. He’s Beauregard, people are going to know he’s not “John Smith.”
5. Kermit the Frog
It ain’t easy being green, especially when you’re constantly getting bad press for being arrested masturbating at porno theaters. Now to be clear, it’s our opinion that vice sting operations at porno theaters are a complete waste of time and resources that should be going towards actual crime, that it’s a truly victimless crime, and that no one should be arrested for it. Still, the sheer number of times it’s happened to Kermit is baffling. It’s almost as if he can’t finish until he hears “Police, freeze!”
4. Beaker
The “Meep Meep” schtick really loses its charm once you’ve seen one of the countless videos of Beaker outside of a sex club shouting “Do you know who I am?! Do you know who the fuck I am?! I’m the Beaker mother fucker! You tell that whore the B-man said she just made a big mistake, a BIG mistake! Get that camera out of my face!”
3. Sam the Eagle
As the Muppet’s token conservative, Sam the Eagle has been arrested for altercations at deviant sex parlors on numerous occasions. Who could forget the time he was pulled over with a teenage trans sex worker and large quantities of crack cocaine in his car, just hours after appearing on Fox News to condemn the left’s lack of traditional values?
2. Animal
Animal just straight up gets arrested a lot, like pretty much anytime he goes out. His proximity to sex clubs during many of said arrests might honestly be a coincidence, but technically he comes in at #2.
1. Gonzo
No surprise here, Gonzo’s mugshot is taped up to the “Do not serve” wall in more lifestyle clubs than any living person or Muppet in the United States. You name it and he’s been arrested for it at a sex club—solicitation, possession, dealing, assault, the list goes on. His most frequent offense is bringing a live chicken named Camilla with him, a clear health code violation. What’s more troubling is that by all accounts Gonzo seems to be forcing the lifestyle onto his chicken, boasting “I’m the gas, she’s the breaks, but we make it work” in a recent viral interview.
Geno played for the Jets and lived to tell the tale. From his experience navigating professional sports dumpster fires, he knows better than to put himself in a precarious situation where a Jurassic Park-like dinosaur lizard could potentially mangle his hands.
Running quarterbacks are known to be fast, elusive, and adept at escaping Komodo dragon encounters in the pocket. Lamar is a sure bet to end the season with all 10 of his fingers because of his elite rushing upside. Put money on that.
Gardner comes from a long line of highly successful Komodo breeders so he knows his way around lizard mouths. Sure, his father may have lost his pinky finger in 2002 to a routine biting incident, but Gardner has learned from the mistakes of his ancestors and has had applied that to his NFL career.
Komodo dragons can reach speeds of up to 12 miles per hour in short bursts. Luckily, Anthony can do five or six times that, so most wild animals don’t stand a chance. Not even these endangered ones who can’t even get their shit together and reproduce. He’ll easily outperform Komodo-threat expectations this year.
Jared seems to have had a renaissance in Detroit. He’s even made the Lions a good football team. It is way harder to make the Detroit Lions a respectable franchise than it is to leave the Komodo dragon exhibit with all of your digits. Goff is lizard-proof.
Caleb was drafted first overall this year thanks to his elite arm, accuracy, and pocket awareness. He’s one of the best prospects since Peyton Manning, and that guy finished his career without sustaining a single apex predator attack during the season.
We all know Komodo dragons hate cold weather so they will be nowhere near Lambeau Field. If they ever figured out how to manufacture little sweaters for themselves, they would end us all individually. Thanks to the failures of evolution, Jordan is one of the safest bets against Komodo danger in the NFL this year.
Mahomes has a vested interest in keeping his fingers intact because it’s stipulated in his contract that if he were to ever lose any appendages from a wild animal encounter he would have to forfeit any guaranteed money he’s owed. That’s why you never see Patrick at zoos, pet adoption locations, or BYO Komodo dragon parties.
The biggest knock against Bryce is that he has small hands. This may not be ideal for an NFL quarterback, but it actually works tremendously in his favor during an unexpected encounter with a menacing Komodo dragon because it means his fingers will be harder to sink one’s teeth into. Bryce has a very promising reptile-precluding career ahead of him.
Josh is one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL. You think a 200-pound lizard can take him down? Please, he has to deal with Buffalo Bills fans on a daily basis. Komodo dragons are nothing in comparison.
Komodo dragons have been known to dig up human corpses from cemeteries and eat them. Luckily, Jalen is very much alive so he won’t have to worry about that this year. However, Jalen’s great grandparents are not safe. Someone check on their graves.
Dak has spent the entire offseason on his conditioning and practicing fending off Komodo dragons. Unfortunately, he’s been using chameleons as a stand-in. Everyone knows they’re not the same, but it’s still better than not training at all. Dak should be fine. If anything, he’ll know when a Komodo dragon changes colors, if they even do that.
The United States doesn’t have any Komodo dragons, but if they were going to magically appear somewhere, it would definitely be in Arizona. Specifically, in Glendale. This state has been preparing for this sort of invasion for decades. That’s why they do Komodo dragon drills in elementary school where they hide under their desk after they sound an alarm. This is also part of the Cardinals’ team drills, so Kyler should be prepared.
Jacoby has been on five different teams in his NFL career. If he was going to get annihilated by a humongous lizard it would have happened already and definitely when he played for the Browns.
Miami is a party city and every October they hold the Running of the Komodo Dragons where participants get the chance to run from stampeding monitor lizards. The Dolphins are known to run in the event as a team-building exercise every year, so Tua has experience averting reptilian danger. Tyreek Hill always wins though, but their backup kicker always gets torn to shreds.
Joe Burrow was actually out for much of last year due to a lingering Komodo dragon attack that resulted in him losing half of his calf muscle. These kinds of soft tissue injuries are not likely to spread to your fingers so he should be fine this year.
This self-righteous little twerp is probably too busy being all arrogant about his spoon-bending parlor tricks to pay attention to crypto. Although when asked what the value of Bitcoin is he would probably say “The truth is… there is no value.” And in this regard, he’s actually right.
A boomer who has used his privilege to rise to a high level of power and is enamored by the water filtration system of Zion without understanding how any of it works. He’s not really the type to fully grasp what crypto is and is also probably too busy forwarding an AI-generated image of Kamala Harris eating a baby he saw on Facebook to get you to invest in anything.
Even though he is The Chosen One, ol’ Copper Top over here is too confused about what is happening in his surroundings to even know what a blockchain is. Sure, he can fly and bend reality and dodge bullets but can he make any sense of the crypto market?
She’s the only one out of Morpheus’ little cybergoth social club to wear white which means she’s at least contrarian enough to not go along with the crowd. She also is the only one who has no time for Neo’s nonsense. And since crypto is all nonsense, she’s not she’s not going anywhere near it.
She’s already dealing with a reality where every action is controlled by a glitchy algorithm and doesn’t need another one promising her instant wealth. She’d probably rather jump out of a high-rise building than navigate the rollercoaster of crypto markets, where even Neo’s superpowers wouldn’t guarantee you won’t lose your shirt.
He seems to be the only one in the scorched-Earth armageddon of 2199 to find time to hit the gym. That’s not to say he wouldn’t be into crypto but short-term investment wins don’t seem like the kind of gains he’s interested in.
Just because he is able to read the Matrix and see what’s happening doesn’t mean he’d be able to understand the crypto market. He’s already knee-deep in this technological nightmare and doesn’t need another complex system to debug—especially one with more crashes than his software.
He’s got that lonely “nice guy” kind of energy that is usually attracted to crypto. But honestly, he doesn’t need wealth as a means to attract attention from the opposite sex when he probably spends all his time “jacking in” with the woman in red. Let’s just hope he cleans up those dentist chairs when he’s done.
Apoc got killed because he was spending too much time online trying to be a hero and finding others who took the red pill. He may or may not be into crypto but we bet he probably stormed the Capitol on January 6.
Hard to say if she’s into crypto or not but you should probably just go along with whatever she says otherwise her husband might just smack the shit out of you on live television.
He’s already spent enough time unplugging people from shady simulations, and he’s not about to plug you into a financial black hole. He’s seen enough dodgy code in the Matrix to know that convincing you to invest in crypto might be just another elaborate trap set by the machines.
A blue-collar tradesman with a job that gives him access to pretty much everything. Kind of like the janitor in “The Breakfast Club” he is the eyes and ears of this institution. So he doesn’t need some bullshit crytpo when he could just make a key and open up whatever you have locked up and take it. You know, like that Beanie Baby collection you keep holding onto in the hopes that it might be worth something again someday.