Opinion: Society Will Still Need Snarky Music Critics After Civilization Collapses

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Unless you’ve been blissfully unaware of any and all current events, this country is fucked. I’m not trying to sound defeatist but we’re looking at at least two or three plausible doomsday scenarios. It’s time to stop thinking about reverting to some comforting normalcy, to look ahead and reevaluate what our roles are going to be in order to keep humanity’s survival viable for future generations.

Which is why I would like to point out that no matter what happens, we definitely will still need snarky music critics to judge shitty music after the apocalypse.

With any luck, music will play a central role in self expression and building community beyond our current existence. And within that community a few gatekeepers will inform the masses as to which songs are cool and which ones are bland, homogenized drivel. We owe to our progeny the means for preventing the next Maroon 5 from happening.

Once anarchy reigns, we will need to be able to grow our own crops, procure access to clean water, and likely revert back to some kind of bartering system of commerce. But central to each remote settlement there needs to be at least one person with the skillset to refer to corny new music as a wet gorilla fart or something in order to make people feel better about their own musical shortcomings and/or superior tastes.

Look at Mad Max: Fury Road. You think they just automatically settled on guitars, Marshall stacks, and flamethrowers to play while tearing across the wasteland? No, there was probably some asshole who wanted cellos or something way less metal until a heroic blogger from the “before time” stepped in and pointed out how the 1800’s called and wanted their instruments back.

Think about it! As we rebuild society from the ashes of our own mutual destruction, we’re also going to have to do a cultural reset. Imagine 100 years from now, a research team will dig through the rubble and find some dipshit’s collection of Trapt albums. They’ll need a trusty music critic (or “oracle” as I assume we’ll be called) on hand to point out they fucking suck.

While we cannot truly predict what the next version of civilization (if there is one) has in store for us, hopefully, it’s a more egalitarian one where a pantheon of smug music critics like the ones at Pitchfork in the 2000s can sit side by side with the leaders of tomorrow.

Dude Will Not Shut Up About Being Stabbed Five Minutes Ago

Posted on by Peyton Cabral

TACOMA, Wash. — Local dude Grant Brentfield wouldn’t shut the hell up about being brutally attacked with a knife just a few moments ago, confirmed mildly inconvenienced sources.

“Like, we get it, man. You are gradually bleeding out onto the sidewalk, in excruciating pain the likes of which you’ve never experienced before, and need someone to call 9-11 for you. No need to keep going on and on about it,” said bystander Craig Vanguard. “A good 1,500 people a year die from knife-based attacks in the US, so this guy isn’t special or anything, no matter how much he tries to make this whole stabbing thing about himself. Some people just can’t read the room. For instance, I need to get to work and now I have to wait around for the police since I’m technically a witness to the incident. I don’t think I’d mind so much but he keeps on moaning like a baby. C’mon, at least try to take a knife to the abdomen like an adult.”

Brentfield just couldn’t seem to let it go.

“I’m starting to lose consciousness, so that’s probably where my sense of urgency is coming from,” said Brentfield. “I’m sorry to be such a bother to others, but if someone wouldn’t mind calling an ambulance that would really do me a solid right now. Oh, and if anyone happens to have a towel on them to help stop the bleeding, that would be huge. No worries, if not. I understand everyone is just walking around thinking about their own problems and likely not considering anyone else, including me who’s starting to think his intestines might be popping out. Being stabbed is just not all it’s cracked up to be.”

Experts noted that this phenomenon was nothing new.

“People have a tendency to use their struggles as a way to amplify themselves,” said counselor Gina Norman. “One day you’re making up new mental health disorders to garner sympathy, the next you’re using the gunshot wound you sustained 10 minutes ago to make everyone around within shouting distance pay attention to you. It’s gross. We live in a society. No one should be forced to acknowledge others’ existence, let alone help them in so-called trying times. We need to do better.”

At press time, a nearby man would not shut up about being run over by a Subaru Outback 10 minutes ago.

Vegan Finds It Harder to Eat Carrots Once He’s Named Them

Posted on by Jeff Bender

BELLINGHAM, Wash. — Local vegan Chuck Miller opened up about his struggle to eat vegetables, particularly carrots, after he’s given them names and personalities, irreverent sources reported.

“So what? I give my carrots names and sometimes dress them up in little costumes with vegan marshmallow eyes and a raisin nose and bean-sprout hair glued to their temples with non-honey honey,” said Miller, a class-action attorney. “This one I like to call Dr. Crunchy. He has a PhD in Yummies from Vitamin A University. That’s an Ivy League school, by the way. And would you look at this cute little coconut-shred collar-stay I put in his lettuce-leaf shirt! Ooh, you are so cute, Dr. Crunchy! I could just eat you up! Not literally. Actually, the only thing I can ethically consume anymore is beans. Mainly because naming individual garbanzo beans would just be psychotic.”

Miller’s life partner, Emma Robinson, expressed irritation at her husband’s reluctance to eat the “very expensive” organic groceries they buy each week at their local farmer’s market.

“It makes things very difficult for us to get calories, when he’s always like, ‘No! Don’t eat that! You’re going to ruin the friendship!’ and always giving our daughter Elizabeth vegetables in ‘families’ of three that resemble us,” said Robinson. “Often Elizabeth cries when she comes home because she ate something and ruined Daddy’s little ‘world.’ I can’t live like this! When I was a kid I would eat a whole stalk of celery and feel nothing. Now I feel like a savage when I take a bite out of Todd, which is the apple Chuck named this morning.”

Celebrity vegan Travis Barker sympathized with Miller, going so far as to say that plants are “people too.”

“What have they done to harm anyone? And yet look at the way we treat them—gnashing them with our teeth, forcing them down our throats even as they scream, ‘No! No!’ and shoving them off into our undignified large intestines. Nobody deserves that—especially not my little drummer friends Fig Collins and Ringo Starr-Fruit,” said the Blink-182 drummer, holding up two pieces of dolled-up produce. “‘Protect plants’ is what I say. ‘Save the plants!’ That’s why I’ve sworn off eating altogether. It’s inhumane.”

At press time, Miller also revealed that it was much more difficult to drink water after he’s named each individual glass of it.

We Interviewed One of Those Guys With a “We the People Are Pissed Off” Flag Outside Their House and It Turns Out He’s So Angry Because “Freaks and Geeks” Was Canceled After Only One Season

Posted on by Steve Packosky

You may think of us as a punk website, but it’s long been our goal to evolve into a source of objective news for all Americans. As such, we have begun interviewing everyday members of the working class to hear their takes on the state of our country, regardless of whether they happen to align with ours. That’s why we recently sat down with 67-year-old Carl Tresser of Stillwater, NY to learn what fuels his grievances after we noticed a “We the People Are Pissed Off!” flag outside his house. We hoped to find common ground with this individual by learning the true nature of his discontent, and in doing so bridging the gap between us and maybe even working together to heal the hostile divide that’s been so detrimental to our nation.

The Hard Times: Hi Carl, how are you?

Carl Tresser: Well, The Hard Times, like every decent American, I’m furious!

HT: Well, let’s get to the bottom of this, Carl. Why are you so angry?

CT: The citizens of this once-great nation are wise to the bullshit that’s been sold to us. If those woke groomers over at NBC think they can just leave the American people hanging after Lindsay Weir skipped out on her academic summit to follow the Grateful Dead on tour, they‘ve got a world of hurt coming their way!

HT: Wait, what?

CT: Did I stutter? That program was a goddamn masterpiece, and we only got one season of it. For what? “Scrubs?” That one was alright, but it was nowhere near as good. “Crossing Jordan?” Can you even tell me what that fucking show was about?

HT: Hold on, are you talking about “Freaks and Geeks?”

CT: What else would I be talking about? I’m a goddamn patriot! I love my family, I love my God, and I just want to know if Daniel Desario continued hanging out with the Geeks after he played Dungeons and Dragons with them that one time. Well I’ll tell you one thing: the American people aren’t going to stand for this much longer. It’s only a matter of time until we rise up, so don’t say I didn’t warn you.

HT: We certainly weren’t expecting that to be the reason for your outspoken ire.

CT: Well, I have no idea what you thought it might’ve been. And I haven’t even mentioned that we never got closure between Sam and Cindy. I mean, they broke up, but did they ever get back together? I guess we’ll never know, and it’s because of this that I proudly fly that flag on my front porch.

HT: OK, yeah, I mean, we were pretty disappointed when that show got canceled, too. It was really good and stopping it so suddenly definitely didn’t seem justified.

CT: Fucking right. It’s like I’m always saying, cancel culture has gone too far!

HT: Just out of curiosity, do you have any particular feelings on our current political climate?

CT: Oh, that? Well, I voted for Kamala just because I can’t stand Trump, but I’m pretty apolitical for the most part.

HT: Oh, cool! Well, it was nice to meet you, Carl! Thanks so much for taking the time to speak with us.

CT: Of course! Always good to chat with fellow fans of my favorite show.

There you have it! We had a lot more in common with Carl than we had anticipated, so much so that we actually went out and bought one of those flags to hang outside of our office. As for “Freaks and Geeks,” we may never get the justice we deserve for having such a brilliant show taken from us so soon, but at least we can find solace in our fellow countrymen and women who feel equally aggrieved in its cancellation.

The Wiggles and Raffi to Headline When We Were Even Younger Festival

Posted on by Shane Pauker

LAS VEGAS — Organizers announced that kids’ music legends The Wiggles and Raffi will headline the upcoming When We Were Even Younger festival, confirmed sources.

“Former scene kids bought When We Were Young tickets by the fistful just to experience a weekend of nostalgia. We knew other age brackets would have the same success,” stated festival organizer Ashley Corn. “Our staff of Freudian analysts say that infancy is the next-best period for capitalizing on fans’ psychosexual development, so we jumped on the opportunity. When We Were Even Younger will bring all of the biggest names in kid rock to a common stage. Attendees will get to listen to the biggest artists they loved when they were in elementary school and didn’t know any better. The VIP package will include a meet and greet with Barney.”

The spin-off festival quickly found an audience willing to pay for non-prog songs about whales and fruit.

“I saw these musicians as a kid, but I don’t remember any of their sets,” explained festival ticket holder Mark Sanchez. “Now I’m going to see them as a bonafide grown-up. I can’t wait to see ‘Fruit Salad’ in the sober lucidity of a music festival in the desert. I’m going to remember these moments for the rest of my life. And even if I don’t — well, when I was a kid, what happened in my diaper stayed in my diaper. As I understand it, Vegas is kind of like the diaper of adulthood. Whatever happens can stay there.”

The headliners couldn’t wait to play a different kind of show than what they were used to.

“I’ve had 34 years of crying and screaming and teething from the audience. I just want sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll without judgy side-eyes from the chick in the dinosaur costume,” complained Anthony Field, the last original Wiggle still in the band. “It’s not some glamorous lifestyle as a touring kids’ musician. You’re crashing on the Gymboree floor for naptime and hoping your gear doesn’t get stolen out of your comically undersized Big Red Car. And it’s not like you can party in between gigs; you can’t do a bump off a key that’s jingling in front of you. This Wiggle needs to cut loose and live out the lifestyle he’s earned.”

At press time, They Might Be Giants were rumored to join the lineup as well, but it remains unclear whether they will play any of their child-oriented content.

Report: IRS Will Allow Citizens To Choose Between Taxes Going Towards Billionaires or Genocide

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Tax Day is upon us, and while it has never been popular (unless you’re getting money back, you lucky bastards) this year it is especially contentious. With it being more obvious this country is being run by a bunch of yahoos who want to fuck around on our dime, it’s hard to tell where exactly 40% of our paychecks are going and if we’ll ever benefit from it.

In a rare show of transparency and honesty though, the IRS has announced all U.S. citizens will have the option to choose whether their tax payments will line the pockets of our nation’s wealthiest CEOs, or have the money fuel the nation’s genocidal foreign campaigns.

“Let’s be real, we were never going to get around replacing lead pipes and fixing all the dilapidated bridges. So the goons at DOGE figured this transparency effort will not only inform the public how their tax dollars are being utilized but allow them to choose between the only two things the government cares about funding,” said IRS agent Grant Smith. “I mean the Fed was going to blow it all on tax breaks for millionaires and missiles anyway, but at least now we can put the blame squarely on the American people since we’re putting the onus on them.”

For those of you who are real sticklers about how your money is being spent, fear not, unless you’re poor or live in the Middle East! The IRS will provide all citizens with Form 69-420 (Elon’s idea, obviously) where you can write in specifically which CEO’s yacht you’d like to subsidize or a specific country you’d like to see subjugated by the military in order to extract their rare minerals. It’s a win/win, especially if you’re heavily invested in Lockheed Martin.

“Before everyone starts bitching,” Smith added, “each year we’re going to swap out which ruling class entity people want to fund. So far we’re thinking of either President Trump crypto coin or wiping out remote villages in Africa for their rare earth minerals for 2026.”

Of course, anyone opposed to abetting homicidal oligarchs need not worry, as the IRS has been working directly with TurboTax to automatically yank money out of those individuals’ bank accounts and make the decision for them! Whichever way you look at it, there’s no doubt that this is all completely fucked up. But hey, we finally have our answer as to where the United States priorities are at.

Unwashed Sex Toys Just Piling Up in the Sink

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Local couple Jordan Meyers and Alexis Carter reportedly left their unique collection of used sex toys ignored in their kitchen sink, treating them with the same level of neglect reserved for coffee mugs and takeout containers, uncomfortable friends report.

“They are a lot of fun when you’re using them, you know? You don’t really think about the boring, unsexy part—like scrubbing lube out of tiny crevices with an old toothbrush,” said Meyers, nudging a neon pink rabbit out of the way to rinse out a cereal bowl. “But instead of cleaning them, we just kept buying new ones so now we have an assortment of dildos, fleshlights, buzzers, diamond dusters, flickers, jammers, ball gags, pounders, hunk trunks, dialters, winkies, mock-cocks, clitty-clitty-bang-bangs, tubthumpers, and wünderbars taking up valuable space in our sink. Hell, I even had to move a few quadra-sex 5000s to the bathroom tub in the meantime.”

Carter, who claims to be the only one who regularly cleans the growing collection, expressed frustration at the situation.

“I don’t know what half of these do. I am all for play in the bedroom, but I don’t want to have to frantically wash a 12-inch suction-cup dildo when my parents show up unannounced,” Carter said, glaring at a silicone tentacle half-submerged in soapy water. “But who’s the one always always washing them? Me. Strap-ons aren’t nearly as sexy when you’re scrubbing them down with antibacterial spray. This must be why people hire cleaning services.”

Experts suggest that couples overwhelmed by adult toy maintenance should consider downsizing.

“The key to avoiding sex toy clutter is investing in one high-quality, multi-functional device rather than stockpiling cheap ones like you’re preparing for an erotic apocalypse,” said Dr. Vanessa Fields, sex educator and host of the popular Catch the Vibe sex-advice podcast. “If you’re staring at a sink full of latex and wondering how your life got here, it might be time to rethink your approach in the bedroom. Maybe take a week or two off and reevaluate those kinks.”

At press time, Meyers and Carter ultimately decided to throw everything out and become celibate rather than deal with the hassle of washing the sex toys.

How I Live Affordably in Brooklyn Through Personal Budgeting, Eating Out Less, and Living in the Cabinet From the Cure’s “Close to Me” Music Video

Posted on by Steve Packosky

It seems that it’s becoming more and more difficult for the middle class to get by these days. Steadily increasing costs of living and predatory rent gouging combined with stagnant wages are a perfect recipe for everyday men and women to be forced out of areas in which they were once able to thrive. Take Brooklyn, for example. Just how is one able to get by on the average salary of, say, a bartender or barista? Well, here I’ll share some tips on how I’m able to live affordably through some simple life modifications, as well as living in the cabinet from the Cure’s “Close to Me” music video that I found in a dumpster on Burns St.

When trying to live comfortably in Brooklyn, it’s important to keep an honest tab on your lifestyle and spending habits. Are you doing your grocery shopping in upscale chains, or are you choosing the more affordable local markets? Are you cooking the majority of your own meals, or are you indulging a bit too much in the city’s variety of world cuisines that, while breathtaking, can be staggeringly expensive? Are you living in a lavish, single-room studio or squatting in a 7’ by 3’ by 18” piece of abandoned furniture with three other people? Such an assessment will guide you in identifying the areas in which you’re overspending and acting accordingly to ensure you’re able to enjoy life while keeping a few extra bucks in your wallet.

We New Yorkers know that life here can be both punishing and rewarding, and the sacrifices I’ve made to stay afloat here are certainly no exception. Living in a cabinet that was used in an iconic music video by the world’s most recognizable goth-rock band with three roommates can be tough and, at times, literally suffocating. However, I try to balance this challenge by focusing on the bright side. For instance, with the money I’m able to save on rent, I can take in a matinee once every other month! Also, I pay nothing in utilities by relieving myself with a discarded bucket kept outside the cabinet. It’s through circumventing these normally burdensome costs that I’m able to enjoy everything New York City has to offer. That is, when I’m not doing permanent damage to my spine from the awkward camel pose I’m forced to assume in order to physically fit in the confines of my home.

Hopefully, you have found this article helpful if you’re looking to move to New York City but are worried about whether you’ll be able to afford all that it has to offer. With a few practical life changes and smart spending habits, you too can afford to live here provided you come across an unwanted home from an old music video. I hear the building from Aphex Twin’s “Come to Daddy” has studio apartments for rent, so what’s stopping you?

Marketplace Seller Firm on Price of Stolen Band Gear

Posted on by Jackson Chow

VANCOUVER, Canada — Facebook Marketplace seller Teo Aubrey Domingo was firm on his asking price for the stolen band gear he put up for sale, confirmed sources who wondered if he could just come down 300 bucks.

“I mean, it’s a pretty great price point, and I didn’t include labor. I tracked this band for a good week, and had to break into a double-gated community, and then tackle a locked van with an internal cage the gear was stored in. I won’t even talk about all the heavy lifting. It was a solo job, by the way,” Domingo stated proudly, before expressing annoyance at lowball offers. “It’s frustrating. I’m a self-starting entrepreneur on the grind, and I get multiple offers about giving up the items for free. Does no one look at the pictures or read the descriptions anymore?”

The local band whose gear was stolen discovered the ad, which included bolded, all caps lettering in the description of “PRICE IS FIRM” and an old picture of Ice Spice’s ass that accompanied it.

“Yeah, we’ve seen those cheeks and the posting. It’s a damn shame. The posting that is,” said NoSchwey’s lead singer Julian Musgrave. “We reached out to buy it all back at the listed price, but he hasn’t responded. We’re sure he’s busy getting loads of offers, so we understand. We blame ourselves. We should’ve thrown a blanket over it or used something more expensive than a $3 lock. We were asking for our gear to be stolen.”

Self-proclaimed Marketplace analyst Shabazz Shaheed pointed out that this isn’t a rare occurrence and that the selling of stolen material can be traced back generations.

“Everything is a ‘steal’ now when it comes to buying and selling online that you can’t really be too upset when something is legitimately stolen,” said Shaheed. “It’s fair game. If you’re given a steal of a deal, you have to respect the rules and wishes of the seller, even if it’s your stuff. In fact, there’s a new law protecting stealers’ rights. If they pilfer your possessions, it is now theirs. This statue is also known as the ‘finders keepers, losers weepers.’ We must remember that no one is above the law.”

At press time, Domingo had a change of heart and decided to raise the price after reconsidering market demand and to stave off non-serious offers.

New Study Shows Picking Lettuce and Tomato Off of Burger Closest Average American Gets to Eating a Vegetable

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — A recent Harvard report on the overall health of Americans showed that the residual moisture left behind by lettuce and tomatoes after being picked off a hamburger is the closest most citizens get to eating a vegetable.

“This wasn’t a study performed in a lab with a small sample size. We took years of data collected by staff at chain restaurants across the country who reported every time a customer left discarded vegetables on their tray. The results were far more alarming than we could have guessed. Most people you deal with on a daily basis have not eaten a leafy green in decades,” said lead researcher Dr. Suraj Patel. “Critics have said our study is flawed and that Americans lead the developed world in vegetable consumption. They claim that fry consumption should count as a vegetable and that it shouldn’t matter if it is deep fried, covered in salt, bacon bits, and cheese. We have also received pushback from some of the pizza chains who claim their tomato sauce is a great source of nutrition.”

Beck Hockson, an unknowing participant in the study, says he is perfectly healthy without vegetables.

“I’m tired of doctors telling me if I don’t start eating better my heart will explode before I turn 50. Some people operate better with high blood pressure. I get all the nutrients I need from the various ground beefs and sausages I eat on a daily basis,” said Hockson while downing multiple antacids. “I take several supplements that my favorite podcasts advertise and they claim to help with brain function and gut health. All I need now is a supplement that can thin out my urine so it’s not the viscosity of maple syrup.”

Produce buyers at major grocery retailers say the report is not a surprise.

“When we put in an order for lettuce, cucumbers, or carrots, we know that most of it is going straight into the garbage at the end of the day. We have to keep our produce section well-stocked so shoppers come in and think ‘I should try something healthy’ before they load up on potato chips and frozen chicken nuggets,” said Albertson’s Regional Manager Valerie Harrison. “And the small amount we do sell just ends up rotting in a customer’s fridge anyway. It’s a charade we all willingly participate in.”

A follow-up study from Harvard is expected to show a link between men who consider themselves “Alpha Males” and an inability to do ten pushups without passing out.