Sisqó Teams Up with New York Philharmonic for “Thong Song 2025”

Posted on by Jeff Bender

NEW YORK — American R&B singer Sisqó revealed that he would be collaborating with the New York Philharmonic to perform a rendition of the 1999 hit “Thong Song,” confirmed sources who vaguely remembered that song.

“I’ve been thinking about this since I saw a Vitamin Water ad with 50 Cent conducting an orchestra to ‘In Da Club.’ I figured it was time for me to grow up as well, show my audience that I’m an artist, not just some 20-year-old who’s interested in watching girls’ booty shake,” said the singer, now 46. “When I approached all 100 members of the Philharmonic at once about the collaboration, they weren’t sure the line ‘dumps like a truck’ would fit with a bassoon. But after convincing them that the audience of this song is now old enough to appreciate Beethoven, he immediately agreed.”

New York Philharmonic director Jaap van Zweden was excited about the opportunity to join forces with someone he hadn’t actually heard of previously.

“I have always wanted to perform a song specifically about women’s underwear. I’m going to start with a lone oboe, a lamb lost in the woods, and continue to layer the instrumentation while the narrative—whose throughline concerns a thin piece of fabric between butt cheeks—starts to take form,” said the composer. “The woodwinds rise out of a piano-forte, and we’re off, climbing the double-mountain. The timpani appears, rising alongside a cymbal roll that smashes down like waves—so that by the climax the audience’s heart is racing as I turn around and tear away my tuxedo pants to reveal a red satin thong. The message of the chorus is ‘let me see that thong.’ That’s exactly what I plan to do.”

Symphonic historian Klaus Wagner, PhD, wasn’t surprised to learn of the pairing.

“Everybody in classical music dreams of collaborating with Sisqó. But what is it about this particular composition? Is it the harrowing shift from C-sharp to D-minor? The increasing modulation? The surging instrumental section preceding the finale?” said the author of “The Definitive Guide to Classical.” “Personally, I think it’s the subtlety of the line ‘thong-tha-thong-thong-thong.’ Mozart would have given his left nut to write a melody that simple, yet elegant. But unfortunately, we’ll have to settle for his ‘Piano Concerto No.21’ track instead.”

Meanwhile, across the country, Kirst Novoselic and Dave Grohl reunited to collaborate with the Seattle Symphony on an update of “Rape Me.”

20 Bad Brains Songs That Will Make You Forget About That One No One Wants To Talk About

Posted on by Trevor Graham

The influence Bad Brains has had on the punk and hardcore scenes over the past four decades can’t be understated. And we don’t just mean how their icon artwork has been adapted and used on everything from skate graphics to bespoke artisanal coffee shops. Their music and message were always lightyears ahead of their peers in the ‘80s and they helped break down barriers people didn’t even know existed.

Unfortunately some time around 1989 they wrote a song I think we’d all rather forget. It’s a song they have since distanced themselves from and have even gone as far as removing the vocals from and re-releasing as an instrumental song on re-issues of the album. So if you know the song we’re talking about, or even if you don’t, here are twenty Bad Brains songs you should listen to instead while we all pretend that other one doesn’t exist. Listen to the playlist, click here.

20. Supertouch

Bad Brains are often credited as being the “blueprint for hardcore” and in this song, they may have invented the breakdown which is great because this is exactly the kind of thing they probably want to be remembered for and not that one certain song.

19. Sailin’ On

One of the defining qualities of Bad Brainses’s lyrics is the (mostly) positive messages they chose to write about. This song could’ve been called “Fuck it, I’m outta here” and is about leaving a situation or person who is treating you badly. Just another track in their (almost) perfect catalog.

18. I Against I

This is the one Bad Brains song everyone tries to cover usually to disastrous results. Jah bless all the singers out there who tried in vain to get all those lyrics out that fast and on beat. Don’t want to screw them up – almighty’s watching.

17. Big Takeover

Here’s a song everyone really should’ve been paying attention to. It’s about how if we’re not careful Nazis are going to take over the government. It’s a prescient message written in 1982. It’s almost quaint how everyone thought Ronald Reagan was the worst leader we’d ever have.

16. At The Movies

The last line in the lyrics is “So I say to youth right now don’t sway to the unjust / No matter what they say never give in.” Yes to all of this and less to you know… what they say in that other song.

15. Banned in D.C.

One of the most iconic early hardcore songs ever. As Bad Brains started to make a name for themselves in the late ‘70s they would play raucous shows which caused the crowds to lose their shit and damage venues. For this reason, the band found themselves blacklisted from playing shows in the D.C. area. It must suck to be discriminated against based on just who you are as a person.

14. How Low Can Punk Get?

“How low can a punk get?” It’s a good question, one with many answers but for us, we would argue the real answer is writing a song that demonizes a marginalized group based on their sexual preferences. That seems pretty low.

13. I Luv I Jah

Bad Brains’ reggae songs are a source of controversy. Some fans like them while others might tolerate them and typically will skip past them. Even if you don’t like reggae though it’s still better than that other song we’re trying to avoid talking about.

12. Rise

This song and album are almost the most controversial output from Bad Brains but not because of the lyrics. For a variety of reasons, HR was absent from the band and was replaced by Israel Joseph I who is doing a pretty good HR impression. You could make the argument this is not actually a Bad Brains song but at least it doesn’t insinuate that a deadly sexually transmitted disease is a punishment from god. So, there’s that.

11. Attitude

There was something that started to spread in the early ‘80s, especially on the lower east side of Manhattan. It was something that had a three-letter acronym and it spread from person to person and mainly affected those in alternative lifestyles. That thing was PMA and the Bad Brains were responsible.

10. Soul Craft

“Soul Craft” kicks off their 1989 album “Quickness” and highlights their musical progression from previous works. Drawing in more influences from metal and even some hip-hop they were pushing boundaries on genres never heard before. Unfortunately, this progression is marred by a regression in lyrics on a song later in the album.

9. Day Tripper/She’s Like A Rainbow

Typically we would say a Beatles cover is an immediate skip and a Rolling Stones cover is passable at best. But they do a good job and make it their own by giving it a reggae spin to it. And also there isn’t a trace of homophobia in the lyrics!

8. Coptic Times

It’s always funny to watch all your heathen, Godless punk friends sing along to a song about how cool it is to read the bible. But hey, at least they’re just singing about it as being a positive thing for them personally and not using it as a way to villainize a portion of the population.

7. Re-Ignition

This is probably the one song from Bad Brains that your normie friend might know because they heard it at a bar or something but don’t know who plays it. You could be the cool friend who introduces them to the rest of their music but tread lightly because if your friend discovers the-song-that-shall-not-be-named it’s going to be an awkward conversation.

6. Pay To Cum

Well, the title is certainly eyebrow-raising. But to be honest we have no idea what this song is about since the lyrics are flying by at light speed. Let’s go ahead and give them the benefit of the doubt that it’s just a fun punk jam though.

5. She’s Calling You

Musically this is a bit of a departure for HR and Co. It skews less punk and more like an ‘80s skate video soundtrack. It’s super catchy and one of their most upbeat. But the best part is that it doesn’t mention anything about a disorder that affects the immune system.

4. God Of Love

A later era for Bad Brains that is often overlooked and seems a little dated even by mid-’90s standards. It’s not really them at their best but hey, at least it’s not them at their worst.

3. Fearless Vampire Killers

This song’s title comes from a campy ‘60s horror movie about vampires. Vampires of course suck blood from unwanting victims and luckily there is nothing in the lyrics about a certain disease that is transmitted from direct blood contact.

2. Sacred Love

The vocals for this were infamously recorded by HR via telephone while he was locked up in D.C. jail for marijuana possession. The lo-fi quality of the vocals gives the song an ethereal feel making it stand out among the rest of their songs. As far as the lyrics go, yeah… love between two consenting adults should be sacred. Or if not sacred at least accepted?

1. Rock For Light

And finally, let’s end this list with a song with a message I think we can all (hopefully?) agree on. “We don’t want no war / We don’t need no violence / We just want what’s right / Some peace and love.” In fact, why don’t we all just go ahead and listen to this one on repeat for a while to help us all forget that that one song we’d all like to forget even exists?

Listen to the playlist:

Trump Most Excited to Return to Oval Office to See if Bucket of KFC He Stashed in Floorboards Still There

Posted on by Doug Kolic

PALM BEACH, Fla. — The recently reelected Donald Trump announced that he was most excited to return to the White House in order to locate the 18-piece bucket of fried chicken that he hid, according to nearby sources.

“We have so much unfinished business!” stated Trump as he forced J.D. Vance to taste test his Pretzel Baconator in case it was poisoned. “We need to close the border and fix this horrible economy that Biden left us, but my first act as leader of the free world will be to figure out where the hell I stashed that delicious bucket of the Colonel’s finest I hid somewhere in the floors before voluntarily leaving office in 2020. I’d ask Melania if she remembers, but she didn’t really spend much time here. Maybe one of her body doubles knows.”

White House security guard Danny Wales explained his interactions with Trump while he was out of office.

“Mr. Trump was caught numerous times over the past four years trying to sneak back in,” stated Wales. “But instead of secret documents that we figured he was trying to smuggle out, he always had some old fast food items that he was trying to scurry away with. We once caught him trying to dig up a box of McRibs that he hid under the North Lawn. And just a few weeks before the election, he showed up pretending to be the cable guy, in hopes of finding some Crazy Bread he put somewhere in the Lincoln Bedroom.”

Presidential historian Dominique McKenna revealed that outgoing presidents often hide important personal items before leaving office.

“It’s a well-known secret that all one-term presidents leave something behind,” said McKenna. “These men hope that one day they’ll return, similar to how tourists toss a coin into Rome’s Trevi Fountain. Franklin Pierce left behind his favorite bottle of Kentucky Bourbon, while rumor has it that George H.W. Bush hid a pair of his whimsical socks that he was known for wearing. Bill Clinton stashed used condoms for some reason. But I’ve never heard of anyone doing anything like that with food. That’s pretty gross.”

At press time, custodians announced that they had located the container of KFC under a floor tile in the bathroom, but confirmed that the bucket was empty except for leftover chicken bones and a few grease-smeared classified documents labeled “National Security.”

Opinion: There Is No “Male Loneliness Epidemic” If You Remember Bugs and Ghosts

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

Get ready for a truth bomb. I keep hearing about this new bullshit epidemic known as “male loneliness” and it makes me so mad, I wanna make a new friend out of spite. I’ve got good news for you, bros: you’re never alone! Technically, that is. Think about how many insects surround you at all times. Oh, and did you completely forget about the spirit realm? Thought so!

Think about how badass bugs are. They can bench like four times their weight. I think? Roaches can survive any doomsday scenario. You want to learn from cockroaches, my dude. Tenacious. Confident. Relentless. I study cockroaches to help me get better at approaching women in public.

You know how many bugs are around you right now? On the floor, on your skin. They’re inside you, bro. That’s hot. I let bugs crawl in my ears as an endurance test. That’s right, I can take it! Sometimes the comforting hum of all the insects in the world is enough to keep me going with the hustle, the sweat, the grind. I’m not crying, I’m totally fine.

I don’t know if you fuck with ghosts, but I had a wild Ouija board experience that changed things for me. Yeah, I was playing alone. What’s wrong with that? That shit is real. My ancestors are real. You wanna fight my ancestors? I didn’t think so!

Especially if you’re on the East Coast or in the South, those regions are littered with ghosts. I’m talking poltergeists in an eternal loop, blubbering on like some whiny beta. You are truly never alone with the spirit world, populated by floating pussy subs that won’t even make contact despite my debate abilities honed on Reddit.

How could you forget about ghosts and bugs, bro? There’s a whole world outside your narcissist pedestrian brain. Wake up, cut loose from society, man. This whole “male loneliness epidemic” is a myth propagated by dating apps. It’s a lie our woke culture has forced on us. Real men are fine being completely alone. I don’t miss my friends. I’ve got this! Who cares if I can’t find a roommate? Who needs a date past the first? Not me!

If you want to talk more about this, I’m super easy to contact. Feel free to reach out to me. Any time. Seriously, would love to chat. Not that I’m lonely! I’m surrounded by hundreds of spectral friends and creepy-crawly homies. I’m actually more popular than ever. I’m 100% fine, bro.

David Bowie Fan Has Completely Different Personality Every Time You See Them

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

ARKADELPHIA, Ark. — Friends of local David Bowie fan William Malloy report the young man has a completely different personality every time you see them.

“I saw him last week and he was this clean-cut mod guy,” said Slater while fretting over what to get Malloy for his birthday. “But a few hours later he had long frizzy hair and kept talking about space. Yesterday I ran into him and he was wearing a beautiful dress, but he kept saying how we’re all going to die in five years, which was a bummer. I tried to have coffee with him this morning, but he was worried he’d blow my mind if we did. Plus, he also goes by John, or Jesse, or Twiggy Moonstar, or Butterscotch Lightning, or any other name-of-the-week, which isn’t helping anything. Frankly, it’s like I’m meeting him for the first time every time, and I don’t mean that in a good way.”

Malloy defended his eclectic tastes.

“Bowie didn’t limit himself to one personality or outlook on life, so why should I?” reported Malloy while shopping in every section of a clothing store. “So what if I completely reinvent who I am once, twice, three times a day? What business is it of yours? It’s not my fault you’re set in your ways and don’t want to spend half your income on apparel. Maybe try opening your mind and looking at the world from a different point of view once in a while. I have a feeling that decades from now all of you will truly appreciate my range of interests and wardrobe choices.”

Long-time Bowie producer Tony Visconti has a unique point of view about Malloy’s eclectic personalities.

“The ironic part is that David stuck to the same routine every day, as best he could,” said Visconti while looking for his VHS copy of “Labyrinth.” “He rarely wanted to do anything different. Same breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day, same clothes, you name it. We had to practically hold a gun to his head to make him dress differently for each album cover. If it was up to him he’d have worn the same trousers and button up dress shirt every day. He’d always complain when we asked him to change the theme from record to record, but in the end he usually came around.”

At press time, Malloy was seen painting a lightning bolt on his face in preparation for a new passport photo.

Genealogy Test Shows Del Tha Funkee Homosapien Direct Descendant of Del Tha Funkee Homo Erectus

Posted on by Steve Packosky

OAKLAND, Calif. — Rapper Teren Delvon “Del Tha Funkee Homosapien” Jones learned that he’s a direct descendent of Del Tha Funkee Homo Erectus via a test taken through personal genomics company 23andMe, sources report.

“I had been wondering about this for years,” the prolific rapper stated. “My familial line has been this huge unanswered question for my entire life, so it feels great to have it resolved and finally get some closure. Now that I know that the Funkee line goes back hundreds of thousands of years, it makes a lot of sense given the line of work I ultimately settled on. Now I’m just kind of upset at myself for taking so long to take a genealogical test and find this out. I could have done this much earlier and saved myself a lot of sleepless nights.”

Rapper and fellow member of group Hieroglyphics Casual remarked on his partner’s newfound revelation.

“I’ve been trying to tell Del this ever since I met him,” Casual remarked. “It’s always been obvious from his flow and subject matter that he’s a part of the Funkee line. I mean, I’m happy for him, but I don’t think I’m alone in saying I’m not surprised by this. We’ve been putting out albums together since we released ‘3rd Eye Vision’ back in 1998, so if anyone is able to guess Del’s genealogy from his rap style, it’s me. I must say, though, that it’s pretty cool to share a group with a descendant of the mighty Del Tha Funkee Homo Erectus. I’ll view this as motivation for me to step up my game going forward.”

Archaeologist Jamie Balonji has made similar findings.

“These test results are actually a really well-timed complement to the discovery my team recently made,” Balonji said excitedly. “We’ve just uncovered a series of ancient cave paintings detailing a traveling poet who told tales of futuristic societies and people with poor hygiene. We can conclude with a fair amount of certainty that that individual is Del Tha Funkee Homo Erectus, and it’s incredible that we can track his family line to a man doing the same thing in modern day. This is definitely an exciting time.”

At press time, Balonji had unearthed evidence hinting at the existence of a Del Tha Funkee Homo Habilis, but more research was needed.

Photo by Mwaehner

So Your New Band Just Played Their First Show: How To Accept That No One Is Ever Going To Come See You Live for a Few Years

Posted on by John Danek

Great show last night! Seriously, props. Your new band’s first show was packed with friends, your significant other, your significant other’s friends, your significant other’s coworkers, and your drummer’s mom. Applause thundered upon the stage at the end of every song, even the one where you clearly played a G minor instead of G major.

But don’t get used to it. The sad truth is that the first show doesn’t count. A band’s debut gig is like a drug dealer’s first free offer of a hit. It gets you hooked, but nothing is as good as that first time. The Hard Times is here to help you accept your future of nearly empty gigs with 4 hard-to-swallow facts.

1. People only showed up out of a sense of obligation

Everyone in attendance was there to knock out the obligation quickly. Down the line, when you start inviting them to Halloween shows and brewery brunch gigs, they can confidently ignore your text while whispering “I already saw them a few years back. I’m good til like 2028.”

2. The few people who missed out aren’t showing up anytime soon

Some people had genuine excuses for missing show #1. But now that you’re clearly in for the long haul, they can wait until the absolutely most convenient gig to attend. It could be years down the line; don’t hold your breath. There’s no telling what will happen first: the stragglers showing up or the heat death of the universe.

3. The longer your band lasts, the more you smell like shit

Speaking of holding your breath, your rehearsal space smells like shit. Your bassist smells like shit. And I hate to break it to you, but you now smell like shit. The stench travels through osmosis of musician to musician. But now no civilians want to be in your physical presence because you smell like rotting butthole. So good luck getting someone to come to your Thursday night sulphur fest.

4. Your bandmates’ personalities are also repugnant

As if smelling like mustard-yellow dogshit wasn’t enough, don’t forget that your bandmates lack nearly all social graces. If the smell didn’t turn potential audience members away, their standoffish nature and weirdly mean jokes will. And unlike the reeking of turds, a shower can’t fix this. Time to start doing TikTok dances.

Grindcore Fan Thinks All Death Metal Sounds the Same

Posted on by Kyle Donley

REHOBOTH BEACH, Del. — Local grindcore fan Nick Heineke recently criticized all death metal for sounding exactly the same, confirmed sources who didn’t necessarily disagree.

“Yeah, I’ve never fully been able to get into death metal because I cannot tell you the difference between Obituary and Morbid Angel,” Heineke explained without realizing he’d been listening to the same Circle of Dead Children song five times in a row. “Like it’s a good vibe if you’re mutilating a frog or throwing rocks at a dilapidated house, but for everyday stuff like folding laundry or punching your dad in the face, I’m probably going to be blasting something a little bit more nuanced like Assück. The blast beats in grindcore tell a story with each snare hit. Death metal blast beats are nothing but noise.”

Greg Appel, longtime friend and assistant supervisor at the local Guitar Center, strongly disagrees.

“Oh my god, ‘Butchered At Birth’ could not sound any more different than ‘Tomb Of the Mutilated’ and that’s literally just Cannibal Corpse,” Appel roared. “Grindcore on the other hand? That shit all sounds the same. Just dumbed down death metal riffs with some dude squealing like a pig or shouting about diarrhea. In actuality, no grindcore songs are long enough to fully understand whether they sound alike. You’re telling me you can spot the difference between all 20 seconds of Napalm Death’s ‘The Kill’ and the 20 seconds of Napalm Death’s ‘Parasites’? You can’t.”

Swedish metal historian and professor Lars Harver-Magnussen shed some light on the genres.

“The myriad variations and permutations of the aggressive, heavy metal style of play are dazzling in their fecundity. There are so many ways a man can squeal and growl,” said Harver-Magnussen. “Just within the death metal and grindcore subgenres, you have melodic death metal, brutal death metal, deathcore, deathrash, goregrind, cybergrind, pornogrind, stinkgrind, everythingbagelgrind, MTV’sthegrind, grindcoregrind. Oh, don’t get me wrong, it all sounds the same. Literally no difference whatsoever. Most of us are just pretending to tell them apart. It’s just easier than admitting failure.”

At press time, Heineke also revealed that he thought all doom metal chords sounded the same.

Every Rush Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Nigel Powers

Rush were Canadian musical revolutionaries. They created bold, out-there music that transcended boundaries for over 40 years, and even created the “deeply loyal, but insanely cultish and annoying” fanbase that every prog band since has tried to replicate to varying degrees of success. Starting out in the late ’60s in Willowdale, Ontario, and from the mid-’70s, onwards, consisting of Drum Master/Acceptable Lyricist Neil Peart, Guitar Auteur Alex Lifeson, and gerbil-voiced multi-instrumentalist and Bass King Geddy Lee, Rush consistently released albums up until 2015, and unfortunately, the world has gotten much worse since they disbanded (especially post 2020, RIP Neil Peart, fuck you brain cancer).

So to honor their legendary career, we will rank every Rush album from least to most awesome!

19. Test For Echo (1996)

Rush’s attempt at post-grunge leaves much to be desired, with lackluster songs, and for the first time in their career, no “Rush” to be delivered with the music. But any band with a forty-year career will tell you that there is at least one clunker of an album to be had. And in a forty-year career, only one truly bad album out of nineteen is a pretty sweet batting average, so swing for the fences y’all.

Play It Again: “Driven”
Skip It: The Rest (Particularly “Totem”)

18. Rush (1974)

The only album to be recorded with original drummer John Rutsey (RIP), Rush was still “finding their way” with this album, and it often sounds more like a bunch of teenagers creating songs that sound more like cheap Zeppelin rip offs then it does an actual Rush album. But hey, we all have to start somewhere, and this album is pretty decent all things considered, so the band were in no “rush” to find their sound. (We apologize for the pun, please keep reading.)

Play It Again: “Working Man”
Skip It: “In the Mood”

17. Caress of Steel (1975)

Marijuana. Harmless they said? Well, this meandering, pretentious album would beg to differ, being the boy’s first attempt at crafting true prog rock epics gets bogged down in a pile of heavy, hashy smoke. What was even worse, was that they toured with Ted Nudget to promote this album, to mediocre financial returns, the tour being dubbed the “down the tubes tour,” due to its poor financial performance. Which is a shame, because those tubes could have been put to better use creating smoking apparatuses. Be warned dear reader, get woke before you go up in smoke.

Play It Again: Bastille Day
Skip It: I Think I’m Going Bald

16. Power Windows (1985)

Yet another look into the future, the very concept of “Power Windows” is a fantastic concept, especially for the mid ’80s. Unfortunately, as an album, there is very little power to this window into the future, full of forgettable songs and suffocating synths that would define this mid decade slump. Fortunately there are some solid songs in the first half of this album, so feel free to skip the second half to get straight to the ’90s, flannel and all…

Play It Again: “The Big Money”
Skip It: The second half

15. Roll the Bones (1991)

…but unfortunately the band made a “Rushed” (again so sorry for the pun) attempt to segue into the ’90s with this middle of the road album, which didn’t entirely abandon those synthy sounds of the ’80s. But hey, “Nevermind” was only weeks away, so we can forgive this lack of imagination by calling it the last breath of the ’80s, right before the glorious rise of grunge, sweeping away the excesses of the ’80s permanently.

Play It Again: “Dreamline”
Skip It: “Face UP”

14. Snakes and Arrows (2007)

Named for an old board game (Snakes and Ladders), Snakes and Arrows goes in a wide variety of musical directions, sometimes finding their way and hitting a dead end at others. But when they do find their way on this album, it’s just as good as any of their albums (no such thing as a bad Rush album except for Test for Echo). But any band 30 years into their career, still producing relatively good albums deserves all the praise they can get, all things considered.

Play It Again: “Far Cry” and “Armor and the Sword”
Skip It: “We Hold On”

13. Fly By Night (1975)

The first album to feature possibly the best Rock’n’Roll drummer of all time in the form of Neil Peart, it’s also the first album to feature him on lyrics, drifting from traditional macho man lyrics of the time towards more literature and fantasy oriented lyrics. This album saw Rush truly come as they were, embracing their brainier side, even if such songs were misguided by their youth (a whole song inspired by Objectivism, get the fuck outta here), but it laid the groundwork for future experiments.

Play It Again: “Fly By Night”
Skip It: “Anthem” (ain’t nobody got time for Ayn Rand promotion)

12. Presto (1989)

Closing off the 80s by providing a happy compromise between Geddy Lee’s increased appetite for synths and Alex Lifeson’s desire to return to a more guitar oriented sound led to this magical album. Look no further than the cover to see multiple rabbits pulled out of this hat, which we assume is symbolic of how much songwriting talent Rush has. Plus they are THE nerdy dudes of Rock’n’Roll, so we assume that they can pull off tricks like that just by waving their magic wands, in the studio and reality. More bunnies!

Play It Again: “Presto”
Skip It: “Available Light”

11. Counterparts (1993)

Many of your “cool” bands from the ’70s and ’80s had difficulties adapting to the ’90s, with the rise in grunge and fall of previously popular forms of rock music. But thankfully Rush were never one of the cool kids, and despite being boomers, never fell victim to the “back in my day” bullshit, instead embracing the musical trends of the ’90s to varying degrees of success, setting them apart from many of their older counterparts, proving that they were truly new world men.

Play It Again: “Nobody’s Hero”
Skip It: “Double Agent”

10. Vapor Trails (2002)

Hardcore Rush nerds will most certainly file a class action Lawsuit against the Hard Times for ranking this album so highly, but to them we give a noogie of knowledge and a wedgie of wisdom, by ranking this underrated masterpiece where it belongs. Yeah, the production on the original may be wonky, but just listen to the remaster, and what you will find is an absolute masterpiece meditation on healing, redemption, and reignition, written after the untimely death of Neil Peart’s wife and teenage daughter sent him into a deep depression and a motorcycle trip spanning the entire continent, before he decided to settle down in California. This journey was documented both in his book “Ghost Rider” (not to be confused with the marvel property), and this stellar album, remastered to perfection, no further words.

Play It Again: “One Little Victory through Earthshine”
Skip It: “Nocturne”

9. Permanent Waves (1980)

By the ’80s, everyone in the progressive rock scene had gotten sick of long songs and masturbatory meandering, and for some reason, decided that perms would be an acceptable hairstyle. The dudes in Rush took notice, and ditched the twenty minute suites for more compact songwriting, some of the best of their career, and not only changed their hairstyles, but named an entire album after this strange concept in esthetics, crafting what would be the shape of ’80s rock to come.

Play It Again: The Spirit of Radio, Freewill, and Jacob’s Ladder
Skip It: Different Strings

8. Hold Your Fire (1987)

The only reason that this album is ranked in the top 10 is that “Time Stand Still” is an absolute tear jerker, especially since Neil Peart died. Yeah, “Force Ten” may be a 9/10 song, but it doesn’t have the same timeless appeal to make us stand still and hold each sensation a little bit stronger, and the other songs are filler. But you heard the man, make each moment a little bit longer, at least that’s what I heard.

Play It Again: “Time Stand Still”
Skip It: “Tai Shan”

7. Grace Under Pressure (1984)

An album about holding your own under immense pressure is aptly titled, since Rush were at the peak of their commercial popularity at this point, but still had so much more to say. Especially with “Red Sector A,” which Neil Peart took influence from Geddy Lee’s parents’ survival of the Holocaust to write one of the most chilling songs on the subject. For a more informed account of this tale of survival, check out the chapter in Geddy’s autobiography for a historical account of how hate unchecked can lead to atrocities, but through it all, the human spirit can retain “Grace Under Pressure.”

Play It Again: “Distant Early Warnings” and “Red Sector A”
Skip It: “The Body Electric”

6. Signals (1982)

The beginning of the infamously famous synth-period, Rush embraced the new musical technology, and used it to craft one of the best albums of all time. Kicking things off with the best song about teenage isolation in the form of “Subdivisions,” the rest of the album is just as good, and honestly, there is very little else to say except this album rules, so no more to say.

Play It Again: Subdivisions and New World Man
Skip It: Losing It (still a winner in our books)

5. Hemispheres (1978)

Peak Prog Rush, groundbreaking and at times drawn out songs, high concept for high minds, containing two epics along with working class rallying cry in the form of the Trees. This was the end of an era, described by great Canadian thinker Ricky LaFleur as having songs “about the two sides of your brain,” claiming that bands should focus more on simple rock anthems. Even more amazingly, this message was transmitted back through time somehow, and the band dialed things back with “Permanent Waves.”

Play It Again: “La Villa Strangiato”
Skip It: “Circumstances” (since its worst by default)

4. 2112 (1976)

After the financial, critical and general disaster that was “Caress of Steel,” the boys in Rush were under immense pressure from their record label to write catchy, upbeat tunes over their longer and more pretentious songs. So what did the band do? They wrote the best damn twenty minute suite ever recorded, about a lone warrior bringing music back to a dystopian world, a defiant “fuck you” to their record label. The album was so financially successful, that the band didn’t have to return to dreary day jobs, and the record label decided to let them do whatever they wanted going forward. A true Rock’n’Roll success story, Rush owes their entire career post 1976 to this masterpiece.

Play It Again: The Title Track (all 20 minutes of it)
Skip It: “Lessons and Tears”

3. A Farewell to Kings (1977)

Following up “2112” would be an insurmountable task to most bands, but to the boys in Rush, it was just another day of the week, and they produced one of their career best, containing both crowd pleaser “Closer to the Heart” and prog rock masterpiece “Xanadu,” which was a crossover event for Olivia Newton John fans, confusing the normies of the time, who dined on honeydew and drank the milk of paradise, and would have certainly left a 10/10 yelp review of this feast.

Play It Again: “Closer to the Heart” and “Xanadu”
Skip It: “Cinderella Man”

2. Moving Pictures (1981)

The band, fan and presumably record label favourite, since it was a multi-platinum selling success that catapulted the band to arena heights. No song a skip, this album is essentially a starter pack meme for 80s music made before starter pack memes and even internet memes were a thing to begin with, its both ahead of and of its time, not to mention one of the best uses of wordplay in the 20th century, a masterpiece on so many levels that no one can deny its greatness.

Play It Again: “Tom Sawyer” (right after “Vital Signs” closes the album)
Skip It: Nah bahd

1. Clockwork Angels (2012)

“Clockwork Angels,” spread their arms and sing! Bow your heads so graceful, so that we may crown our kings. The final album from Rush was a forty year career on full display, of a band at the height of their prowess, both in the studio and live, and as such, the band crafted their finest work. A concept album set in a steampunk world lit only by the fire that is this record, containing all the best elements of every previous Rush record, sending the band off with a bang, a pinnacle in prog, and mighty sendoff for this Willowdale three-piece rock orchestra, truly the best band to come out of Canada (sorry Nomeanso, you come in at a very close second though).

Play It Again: Always
Skip It: Never

OpenAI Honors Dead Whistleblower by Feeding His Complaints Into New Language Learning Models

Posted on by Tim Sheard

SAN FRANCISCO — Executives at OpenAI agreed to honor Suchir Balaji, a former OpenAI researcher and whistleblower, by incorporating his complaints about copyright violations and unethical business practices into the next round of language learning models.

“In a way, I want to thank Suchir. I’d shake his hand, but honestly I’m just glad this whole problem has gone away,” shared OpenAI CEO Sam Altman from his flying yacht. “Feeding the collective text from Suchir’s miserable time here will make our models even stronger. We intend on using everything he wrote: every complaint, concern, flag raised and private message has been folded into our next update, for all variations of GPT. Prompts from users about ethical quandaries in the world of artificial intelligence will now generate stronger, more emotionally complex completions, all sapped from Balaji’s voice. Silver lining to everything, right? Gotta find the rainbow in the thunderstorm. My colleagues tell me that this will make our models more reflective, more self-aware. I’m told that’s a trait of humans, I wouldn’t really know. Truth be told, I just found the whole whistleblower thing annoying. A complete pain in my ass. But it’s all good, this will only help us in the long run. At least he’s gone, ya know? I was really stressing there for a minute! It’s also a way to honor his memory for… whatever he did here. Our people told me I should say something here about mental health and maybe give a phone number, but hot damn I’m so distracted, just look at this yacht!”

OpenAI has also announced a brand new model called WhistleblowerGPT, which is tailored specifically for federal agencies and blue chip corporations, with a joyous AI rendering of Suchir’s face as the official logo.