Bassist Tosses Fingers Into Crowd Before Walking Off Stage

Posted on by Jake Spanier

NEW YORK — Layne Morris, the bassist of death metal outfit Crystal Casket, caused a scramble between audience members who attempted to retrieve the fingers he tossed into the crowd before exiting the stage, multiple sources with blood-stained shirts confirmed.

“When I saw Layne pull out gardening sheers I made sure I was in the right position to grab at least one finger,” said fan Robert Ellis, clutching a bloody clump of bar napkins. “When I felt a warm mist and it sort of tasted like pennies I knew he was about to make my dreams come true. He’s the reason I picked up a bass. I know he’s got sponsorships, so it probably doesn’t cost him anything to give stuff like this away, but it really shows that he’s always thinking of the fans.”

Morris greeted fans at Crystal Casket’s merch table after the show, where he reportedly howled through clenched teeth as rail vodka was poured over what remained of his hand.

“Metal used to be dangerous and I want to bring that spirit back,” said an increasingly pale Layne, fashioning a tourniquet out of his studded belt. “Now I look out there and all I see are a bunch of well-groomed dudes drinking hard seltzer and stopping the pit every ten seconds to look for someone’s glasses. I want to bring risk back into the equation. Euronymous, GG Allin, those guys took risks. If personal safety is your top priority, maybe a metal show isn’t the place for you. I lose pints of blood every single night, my doctor has no idea how I’m still alive, but you don’t see me crying about it.”

Longtime bandmate Brent Spaulding noted that Moriss’ behavior is part of an escalating pattern of one-upmanship between the two that has spanned more than a decade.

“We’ve basically been rivals since the day he joined the band. If I play fast, he plays faster. If I eat three gas station chili dogs, he eats four. If I get laid on tour, he starts a family in the next city,” said Spaulding. “I respect the hell out of the guy, but how much longer can this go on? Part of me wants to concede and tell him he’s won, to break the cycle forever and just go back to being friends that make music together. But in my heart I know it’s too late. Our lethal trajectory is set and all we can do is pick up speed as we barrel into the gaping jaws of ruin.”

At press time, Spaulding was overheard asking if they make t-shirt cannons big enough for a person to climb inside.

Sad: This EDM Scenester Is in It for the Music

Posted on by Dan Rice

For as long as there have been shows, there have been drugs at shows. There’s just one problem: Music is very hard.

One day the Joy Division producer guy had a brilliant idea: “What if we did away with the pretense of enjoying music altogether, and the whole thing was essentially a drug market?” He hired a few “DJs” to cobble together sounds that legally qualified as music, and the EDM scene was born!

While the popularity of the EDM scene has seen its highs and lows over the last 3 decades or so it still persists and just won’t die, and for one very specific reason: Cops hate loud noises. Unfortunately, one young man seems to be unaware of this fact, and pretty confused in general.

Eric Hernandez goes to EDM shows for the music. This sad sack is so desperate to be a part of something that he has somehow managed to convince himself that he enjoys literal noise produced as a smokescreen for the buying, selling and use of illegal narcotics.

Eric’s enthusiasm for electronic music is confusing and alienating to everyone around him, most especially those within the scene. Here’s what a few of his “idols and contemporaries in all things beatz” had to say:

“He came up to me outside the venue and went on and on about what a great ‘set’ I did, and I’m all like ‘yeah yeah, what you need?’ but he just kept going about how good my music was. I was just like “what the fuck are you talking about?” but, I guess he digs it? I mean, he called it ‘music.’ Weirdest experience I’ve ever had in my life, hands down.”
Tripp Sellz, EDM “DJ”

“At first I thought he was a cop but like, pretending to enjoy EDM? I think even a cop is smarter than that!”
Cindy Wellman, EDM “Fan”

“I thought maybe the poor guy just needed a friend, so I tried to be his friend, but you know what he wanted to do when we hung out? Listen to and talk about EDM. Maybe his brain is damaged? That’s the kindest explanation I can think of.”
Jimmy Perns, EDM “Fan,” “Healer”

“If I could score molly literally anywhere else, I would. The fact that this dude is here sober and of his own volition is fucking ponderous to me, and frankly unnerving.”
Abby Rodriguez, “Sound tech”

“I’m an inch away from tossing his weirdo-ass outta here for good. People work hard to organize these shows as a front for drug related business. People love drugs, and space is limited. Right now there’s some poor 15 year old kid looking to try acid for the first time and he can’t get in because this asshole took his spot. Anyone here who doesn’t have the intent to buy or sell is basically stealing from the scene.”
Bill Stubbs, Bouncer

 

 

 

Hey, if you’re an EDM fan then make sure you check out Your EDM and follow them on your social media platform of choice @youredm

This Sweet Godsmack Sticker Under the Urinal Cake Might Come Off if I Give It a Good Yank

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

Determination is the key to success. Personally, I define success as achieving goals that require perseverance. I’m not one to go for low-hanging fruit. I prefer a challenge. So if I can focus, buckle down, and give it a good yank, I bet I can get this sweet Godsmack sticker off this urinal.

I know it’s gross but they’re my third favorite band. Sure they’re not as popular as when they first came out but they had some really solid tunes. “FML,” “Whatever,” “Voodoo,” and so many more! “I’m not the one who’s so far away…” from that sticker! Plus it’s a rare one too, which is why I’m going to remove it with my bare cuticles.

I don’t want to mess the colors up more than they already are. The original background was black though, not that dark brown-orange color. But just look at the flames, the thick racing stripes, and the tribal sun rays. That’s high art.

See the slightly peeled-up corner? I won’t have to shove my thumbnail too far under it and then I’ll give it a really good yank. Sometimes you get those cheap stickers that come off in a million pieces when you try to peel them off, but not this one. It looks strong. If I have to pull the sticker tight and painstakingly scrape the little glue off from between it and the porcelain then so be it.

That sticker does not belong on a urinal. It should be on my Jeep or vape pen or something, not stuck here looking at pee holes all day. Look at it standing proud while these drunk guys drain their veins all over it, never knowing that they’re emptying the tank on art.

Okay, I’m going for it. Can you hold my beer though? I don’t want to set it on the floor. There are some really disgusting people here tonight.

Bottoms Unionize, Ask Tops for List of Demands

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Bottoms from all over Kings County have formally announced their intent to unionize, their representative recently said during a press conference.

“We, the submissives of Bushwick, have worked tirelessly for our dominants for far too long without the proper recognition, benefits, or compensation. It’s time for this to end,” said Vernon Windsor, the union representative and token switch. “As is customary with collective bargaining, we’d like to, um, enter negotiations, and we’d really like if the tops would go ahead and take care of the whole ‘list of demands’ thing. We really should have done this from the start but I guess you have to learn somewhere. Thank you, Mistress.”

Union member Rainer Poole provided some insight into the organizing process.

“This was a pretty straightforward effort, to be honest. The service subs were super eager and easy to work with,” Poole said while thoroughly cleaning a pair of Doc Martens that were definitely not theirs. “But I’ll be honest with you—the brat contingent proved difficult to win over. I honestly think those guys just get off on being snippy little contrarians. We got them in the end, though, when ‘Sir’ Vernon Walters threatened to use his ‘Top Voice.’ That shut ‘em up and made ‘em cum real quick.”

The tops were quick to respond with a counter-offer during negotiations, as usual.

“We, the tops, have heard your announcement and are honestly a little impressed. Very good job!” the top representative Mistress Sterling said, patronizingly smirking. “We went ahead and put together a list of chores and assignments for you all, and we expect them to be done in a timely fashion, and we will be listening for you to ask for permission, won’t we?”

“And if you’re extra good, we promise to make the reward worth your while,” they added.

Upon realizing that the tops misunderstood their request, the flustered bottoms still promptly agreed to take care of all of this for them, not a problem!

Photo by Jana Miller. 

Guitarist Just Getting Out Of Long-Term Band Not Looking For Anything Serious Right Now

Posted on by Bobby Korec

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. — Heartbroken guitarist Wayne Kellington just got out of his long-term punk band Cranial Input and is admittedly not looking for anything too serious right now, sources who reminded him there are plenty of bands in the sea confirmed.

“At the moment, I’m only interested in a no strings attached one-night band practice,” said Kellington while Instagram-stalking his ex-band from high school to see what they had been up to. “My last band was together for a good five years, which is the longest relationship I’ve ever been in unless you count my girlfriend who I’ve been with for eight. Regardless, I just want to have some fun and play the field right now before jumping back into something serious. However, I might be willing to partake in some sort of ‘band with benefits’ type situation in the meantime. Absolutely no drama though.”

It’s no secret that Kellington has been playing with other bands in an attempt to get over his previous one.

“He got pretty emotional when we played a cover of ‘Holiday in Cambodia’ which I guess his old band used to cover on special occasions and anniversaries,” said Kaleigh Harris, drummer for the band The Christopher Lloyd. “He recently joined us at one of our practices and he really felt like ‘the one’ who could complete our band. But when he didn’t return our phone calls and straight-up ghosted us I realized he merely saw us as some sort of floozy. Total dick move.”

Experts compared the experience of being in a band with other forms of human connection.

“A band is exactly like a romantic relationship, so you might go through a period after a rough breakup where you’re downright reckless with your actions,” said music historian Rebecca Flynter. “For example, most musicians need a ‘rebound’ band or two after experiencing a serious breakup. Look no further than Dave Grohl. Once Nirvana was forced to break up, that guy jumped around from band to band, like Queens of the Stone Age, Them Crooked Vultures, and that decades-long fling that’s somehow still going on called Foo Fighters. He’s clearly still reeling from emotional anguish.”

At press time, Kellington revealed that he was getting back with his old band but vowed that “this time would be different.”

Photo by Craig Howe.

Help! I Told Everyone That I Liked This Album but Then Anthony Fantano Reviewed It and It Became Objectively Bad

Posted on by Dustin Newman

Last week I found my new favorite album. I listened to it immediately after it came out and I thought it was great! I told all my music-loving friends about it and invited them all over for a listening party next week. I told them to be prepared for an album that mastered indie rock while redefining it completely. I knew I was about to up my music cred with my whole friend group. At least that’s what I thought before I clicked on The Needle Drop review of the album and found out I was apparently wrong. Help!

I clicked the link and my heart sank immediately when the yellow flannel shirt I’d expected was nowhere to be seen. How can Anthony Fantano not see how heartbreakingly beautiful this album is the way I do? Even more heartbreaking is the thought that all my friends are gonna watch it too and think I have bad taste.

I can’t believe I told everyone whose opinion I care about that I loved an album that is now objectively bad. Even worse, now I think I have bad taste! How could I have been so wrong about what I liked? I was on a real hot streak too. The last three albums I recommended were only met with two “meh”s and one person even gave it an exclamation point react in the group chat. Now any credibility I had built up is gone.

This is the last time I base my music taste on an ARTV video.

Oh No: 35-Year-Old in Community College Class Trying to Better Self Raises Hand

Posted on by Brendan Krick

HARRISBURG, Pa. — 35-year-old community college student and single mother Rebecca Steiner has bummed everybody out by raising her hand to contribute some sort of little anecdote, her exhausted, stoned, or apathetic teenage classmates have confirmed.

“As a mother, I have a lot of wisdom to share with my philosophy class, like how I get to see the nature versus nurture experiment play out right in front of me,” Steiner stated. “I do everything I can to raise my kids the right way, but I still see their father Dale in their personalities, like when Benjamin set his babysitter on fire. That’s classic Dale.”

Steiner, who last attended college 16 years ago before getting pregnant, has consistently raised her hand at least once per class period to overshare a bizarre personal story tangentially related to the lesson being discussed according to her classmates.

“I don’t care about what you learned working a dead end job for ten years, and I certainly don’t want to hear about how having a child changed your outlook,” complained 18-year-old Matt Giovingo. “God, her life is so dark. I just put my headphones in everytime I hear her say, ‘As a mother…’ She never comes out and says it but I think she wants us to piece together that he’s in prison for life after murdering a convenience store clerk. God, this woman’s life is so dark. I don’t even know why she’s trying to better herself this late in life. The world doesn’t need another dental hygienist.”

Not everyone was so negative about Steiner’s contributions. 29-year-old Karl Briggins shared his appreciation for her unique perspective.

“I felt the same way as these kids about the older students when I was in community college the first time, but then I dropped out and worked at Autozone for eight years, gained some humility, and now, coming back as an adult…” Briggins trailed off, eyes widening. “Oh god, I’m one of the old people in class.”

At press time, Briggins was seen raising his hand to share an unnecessary, non sequitorial life lesson he’d learned having an argument with his father-in-law.

Review: Offenders “We Must Rebel”

Posted on by Kevin Tit

Each week The Hard Times takes a look back at a classic album. We also listen to it and review it. This week, we take a look at Offenders “We Must Rebel.”

This 1983 release from the Austin, Texas punk legends has been highly regarded for decades. Rightfully so. It’s a perfect hardcore record. Fast. Raw. Perfection. However, in recent years it’s come under fire after many on the internet started speculating that there may be a direct correlation between it and Joe Rogan being inspired to relocate his compound to the capital of the Lone Star State.

Rumor has it that Joe stumbled across the band while googling potential podcast guests. It’s said that something about their name really resonated with him. In my honest opinion, I think it had something to do with his distaste for political correctness. That’s just me though. Anyways, I guess the album he ended up checking out was this one. He’s admittedly not much of a punk rock guy but he could appreciate the aggression in the music.

He started playing it to get pumped up before recording new episodes and I guess one day had the epiphany. The only way he was going to be able to combat this new lefty Hollywood cancel culture mainstream ideology was to, as the title of the album suggests; Rebel. So he bailed on LA and brought his ass to the only place that made sense to him. Somewhere he was free to be his own Offender in peace.

Before long he started telling all his like-minded millionaire friends who were also sick of being oppressed. That’s why Elon Musk, James Van Der Beek, James Marsden and many more followed suit. Again, this is all just internet speculation. But, and again this is only my opinion, the rumors track. That doesn’t take away from the fact that this record kicks ass. If I were a rich Hollywood mother fucker who was getting frustrated by critics bad mouthing me for being paid millions of dollars to spout racial slurs and false facts, I’d probably do the exact same thing.

SCORE: 3.5/5 hits of DMT in a sensory deprivation machine.

Drummer in Small Scene Sucks in Four Different Bands

Posted on by Chris Bowen

ALBANY, N.Y. – A severe drought of talented drummers within the local scene is forcing multiple bands to recruit novice percussionist Trevor Hogue despite his complete lack of ability or sense of time, confirmed multiple frustrated sources looking into drum machines.

“It’s awesome to be asked to be in so many bands,” Houge said as he clumsily warmed up on pads. “It can be overwhelming, I mean I just go my first kit a few months back and it seems like I get 10 messages a day asking me to play in a new band. But I’m getting decent feedback, the bassist in Portland Concrete said to me ‘You play fast man. Like wayyy too fast.’ He also said the intense, strained faces I make while I play don’t make it look like I’m shitting my pants and it isn’t distracting at all. Which is such a relief, because most of the time I’m holding my breath back there and I feel like I’m about to pass out.”

Todd Keller, Frontman for the band Atom Smasher, explained his band’s desperate need for a drummer.

“Trevor sucks complete shit,” said Keller. “But we’re left with literally no other options. I got a buddy that’s a solid ass drummer, but he lives all the way in Cleveland so having him be our drummer or even having him play our upcoming one-off benefit show just isn’t realistic. The one plus to having Trevor on drums is while no venue trusts him using their house kit, he has a nice big SUV so he’s always good about bringing his own. And he has a really nice jam space right next to a Taco Bell which rules.”

Dale Coretti, a drummer who formerly lived in Albany and was a member of 46 different bands at the same time, weighed in on the drumming scenario.

“I am so glad to be out of that shithole town,” Coretti stated. “The pressure just got to be too much. A few years back, I relocated to Brooklyn where I was only asked to be in two bands. I felt like I could breathe again, these new bandmates even asked for my input on four different occasions. But that Albany scene was rough and it doesn’t sound like it’s changed too much. Power to this sucky guy though, hopefully he comes to his senses and realizes he’s being taken advantage of and switches to guitar. That’s the only way to truly escape this living hell.”

At press time, it was rumored that the city’s only keyboard player was asked to be in a YES tribute band after being in Rush, Genesis, Asia, and Europe cover bands already.

Photo by Joshua Lozano.

Instagram Dog Saving Cutest Content for OnlyFans

Posted on by Dan Rice

NEW YORK — Popular internet dog Muppet announced early yesterday afternoon that his cutest content will be going behind a paywall via the website OnlyFans.com, according to a recent statement.

“Listen up you little cuddle piggies,” said the nine-month-old half-lab/half-pit bull “good boy” with over 500k followers on Instagram. “I know what I got and I know what it’s worth. If you want to keep enjoying all of my hot, tail wagging, ball chasing, so-cute-it-turns-your-day-around action, go to my new OnlyFans and smash that ‘subscribe’ button.”

The move has caused a rift in the young pup’s fanbase, with many accusing Muppet of “selling out.”

“I love Muppet, like love love love that dog I’m OBSESSED, but knowing he’s panting and wagging just for money ruins it for me,” said Instagram follower and “top fan” badge holder on YouTube, Rich Wakatsuki. “Frankly I find his practice of allowing only his hot subscribers to come rub his belly for ‘content’ is amoral and off-putting. I remember when this page meant something. Sorry, but I’m unfollowing. Whore.”

While naysayers have been extremely vocal, some of Muppet’s more loyal fans have embraced the move.

“It makes me feel more connected to Muppet knowing I’m supporting his furry ass,” says fan Martha Belview. “As far as I’m concerned my membership paid for itself the second my DM of ‘Whose a good boy?’ was marked ‘Read.’ And his page features photos and videos of explicit, hardcore adorableness. I love seeing Muppet doing tricks for Snausages, trotting around in cute outfits, and even playing with other popular dogs for $9.99 per month. Get that bag, king.”

At press time, Muppet posted a teaser on Instagram of himself and a bulldog wearing matching sailor hats, captioned, “Had a hot time with Mr. Peanut Butter! Subscribe to my OF if you wanna see these two thicc good boys get down to sniffin.”