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“You Are Important” Sticker In Venue Urinal Turns Man’s Entire Life Around

HARRISBURG, Penn. — Local human disaster Jason Melvin recently managed to pull a complete 180 in every aspect of his previously pointless existence with the help of a “You Are Important” sticker strategically placed in the lower left side of a urinal, newly optimistic sources confirmed.

“I was really close to the end there for a while. My wife left me, I lost my job, my roommate stopped hooking up with me and then she kicked me out after learning that I had a wife and no job,” explained Melvin of his pre-sticker situation. “I was pretty loaded that night, but once I saw that sticker getting blasted by my forest green pee stream, I realized that I really do have a lot yet to offer. I got a good new job, a nice apartment, I’m dating an absolute jewel of a woman and, not to get too ahead of myself but, I’m pretty sure I’m gonna be able to fuck a few of her friends and her sister. Yep, everything’s coming up Melvin!”

Sticker placer Roke Samuelson detailed his thought process while shoving his hand in the Scooch’s piss epicenter.

“I always knew that sticker would make a difference. Putting it in that urinal was the right, smelly decision,” said Samuelson while licking a salty substance off the webbings between his fingers. “There is a stigma out there that men need to be stoic and they can’t express feelings or accept kind gestures. So I make sure my stickers reach men at their most vulnerable; while their dicks are out in a public restroom. Letting everyone know that they are important was totally worth the hepatitis!”

Longtime bartender Cathy Jarvis says there is a rich history of lavatory decoration.

“It kinda comes and goes in waves. Those stickers get eroded and rot off with punk piss every few weeks so there’s rarely a consistent message,” said Jarvis. “That time someone put a ‘Heroin Kills’ sticker in there nearly bankrupted our door guy, he’s been providing decent smack for years and suddenly the market dried up. A few weeks later someone put up a sticker that said ‘Heroin Makes the Pain Go Away’ and business picked back up. It’s all just pee-based politics.”

At press time, venue staff had been directed to “clean that fucking urinal once and for all,” potentially negating future rehabilitative stickers.