We Sat Down With a Bunch of Five Finger Death Punch Fans Because We Have Court Mandated Anger Management

Posted on by Zach Hudson

We acknowledge that sometimes our anger gets the best of us, and we acknowledge that we didn’t need to start a fight at the Reel Big Fish show, but we asked that guy very nicely to stop spilling his drink on us and he didn’t. So, here we are.

We didn’t really know what to expect in anger management, but a room made up entirely of men seemed about right. What we didn’t expect though, was to feel so out of place, because besides struggling with controlling their anger in a healthy manner, all of these men have one key thing in common: they all love Five Finger Death Punch.

It didn’t hit us until when it was his turn to share, one of the members said “I’m a little bit off today” and everyone smiled and clapped and threw up metal horns. After that, it was clear we were the only people in the group who didn’t own a shirt covered in skulls and brass knuckles.

There was so much camo in the room that at first, we thought we thought we were alone. Then we started wondering if we had accidentally walked into a combat veteran support group, but it turns out none of these guys have ever served. They just really like the military.

The flyer said there would be refreshments, but all they had was a fridge full of Monster, which everyone had multiple cans of during our one-hour meeting. We really wish we’d grown a goatee or chin strap before coming, because man, we stuck out like a sore thumb.

Apparently Ivan Moody himself is a member of the group, but one of the members, Jim, or “Pain” as he prefers to go by, told us he hasn’t shown up in a while. He just kind of drops in every few months, gives some fist bumps, and leaves.

Pain told us that last time he got pissed off when someone accidentally stepped on his foot, and he threw a chair and walked out. No one has heard from him since.

We still have seven more meetings to go to meet the court requirement. Believe me when we say we’ve learned our lesson. The mere thought of having to listen to “War is the Answer” cover to cover again is more than enough to make us take a good long look in the mirror. But if anyone ever does spill beer on us at a show again, Pain says he’s “got our six.”

Local Polygamist Ready to Settle Down and Start Families

Posted on by Sara Mellas

HILDALE, Utah – 28-year-old polygamist Jacob Jensen is ready to leave his bachelor days behind and become a devoted husband and father to a number of families, sources who never thought that would ever happen confirmed.

“I’ll admit, for the last decade, I’ve mostly only cared about myself. I’ve dated plenty of women and even had a few longer-term relationships simultaneously, but I’m finally ready to build something meaningful with my soulmates,” said Jensen, who was wearing a collared dress shirt buttoned all the way up. “Lately I’ve realized I’m not getting any younger, you know? It feels like it’s time for me to stop avoiding commitment and settle down with wives and have kids. I think I’ll have maybe seven or eight families tops. Anything more would just look ludicrous.”

Michael Christensen, Jensen’s best friend of over twenty years, fully supported his growth as a person.

“Jacob has always been a bit of a wild one, if you know what I mean. But he has a real good heart. Now that he’s decided to settle down, he’s going to make some women very happy,” said Christensen while scrolling Pinterest to research ideas for Jensen’s “Save the Dates” cards. “I assume I’ll be best man for at least a small handful of his weddings. After all, I’ve got his first four bachelor parties already planned out. His newfound maturity reminds me of the times my wives and I got married. It was the best handful of decisions I’ve ever made. He’s going to love it.”

Jensen’s parents are looking forward to finally becoming grandparents.

“All you can ask is that your kids are happy, healthy, and give you grandchildren as soon as humanly possible,” said Joseph Jensen. “Jacob’s grown up a lot in the last couple of years—he’s in a good place now. He works hard, has a great job. He’ll make an excellent husband and father. Our Jacob is such a handsome young man too. Several women would be lucky to marry him. I’m just excited that we’ll finally get the 40 to 50 grandkids we’ve always wanted!”

At press time, Jensen started second-guessing his decision after estimating the cost of multiple engagement rings, wedding ceremonies, and a few dozen kids’ college funds despite his strong desire to become a “families man.”

Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary Adds “Vinyls” Angering 45 Year-Olds Nationwide

Posted on by Jeff Cardello

BOSTON — Merriam-Webster caused 45-year-olds across the country to collectively blow a gasket by adding “vinyls” as an official entry to their list of recognized words, multiple divorced men confirmed.

“Since 1831 we’ve strived to keep up with the adaptations of the English language,” said Merriam-Webster Lexicographer Penelope Rutherford III. “Vinyls have seen a marked increase in popularity over the past few years and that has brought with it a new generation of collectors who have their own lingo. This has caused some older men to voice their displeasure on message boards, but guess what, only losers still use message boards. It’s like time for a vibe check grandpa.”

“We’re not the Cambridge English Dictionary or Oxford,” Rutherford added between sips of Earl Grey tea. “They need to realize that the Merriam-Webster dictionary just hits different.”

For many 45-year-olds using the term vinyls means more than just incorrectly using a word. It’s something they take as a personal insult.

“When they added the word ‘bae’ to the dictionary I wasn’t bothered. I don’t even know what ‘yeet’ and ‘cheugy’ are so that’s not a big deal. But seeing ‘vinyls’ as a listing almost killed me. I have high blood pressure and if another kid comes in here dressed like a background actor in ‘Seinfeld’ asking about vinyls I might not be around for much longer,” said 45-year-old Charlie Payton, owner of In the Pocket Records. “Record Store Day is bad enough, but if they ever change it to Vinyls Store Day I may just burn this place down.”

According to a recent poll, young people remain completely unaware of the pain this term is inflecting on the older generation.

“I love to go to Target and see what new vinyls they’ve got in,” said 17-year-old Hailey O’Connor. “So far I’ve got Taylor Swift vinyls. I’ve bought Drake vinyls. I’ve even found some more obscure stuff like Fleetwood Mac vinyls. I’ve been collecting six months, and I think I might actually be ready to buy a turntable. I saw this really cool one that looks like an old phonograph and it even has Bluetooth. I told my uncle about it and he was so excited that he passed out and hit his head really hard on the pavement.”

At press time, an online petition to remove “vinyls” from the dictionary has already amassed 75 signatures, representing a large amount of those who find the term offensive.

No Matter How Many Film Reviews I Write, I’ll Never Top “Air Dud”

Posted on by Dan Rice

It’s a bittersweet feeling to realize you’ve peaked, but at least when I look back up at my personal zenith I can honestly say, “not bad.”

I have been a reviewer of American films for over 25 years, first in the form of letters to the editor of my local penny saver and now for the popular website Medium. In 1997, at the beginning of my career I wrote a review I have not since, and now accept I will never out do.

Was it a review for “Goodwill Hunting” you ask? “Contact,” mayhaps? Perhaps Sly Stalone’s personal best “Cop Land”? Nay, dear reader twas not these nor any of the other amazing, amazing movies to grace the silver screen that year.

The very height of my creative prowess came at the hands (or should I say… paws?) of one Airward J. Bud.

When I watched Air Bud for the first time I thought it was the biggest piece of dog crap I had ever seen in my life, pun INTENDED! As the credits rolled I turned to my roommate and without even thinking about it just said “Air bud? More like Air DUD.” He laughed. I laughed. By the time he was done laughing I still had way more laughing to do, that’s when I knew I hit gold.

With a review title that good, it’s honestly all you need, but the muses were not done with me yet. What proceeded to flow from my fingers and into my Microsoft Word free trial was one of the most scathing indictments of an artistic work since the arrest of Lenny Bruce. I had a lot to work on since the central premise of this film is that a DOG could play basketball!

Seriously, a dog playing basketball, how ridiculous is that? Rule or no rule, it’s just absurd. I really hammered that point home in my review and it must have been successful, because to my knowledge a sequel to “Air Bud” has never been attempted.

I don’t think that dog has even worked again, and for the sake of our moviegoing eyeballs, I pray he never does.

None of my subsequent reviews, each brilliant in their own right, have captured the majesty of “Air Dud.” Not “She is certainly NOT all that!” (She’s All That, 1999) not “More like the Woke-trix!” (Matrix Resurrections, 2021) not even “Nope is right!” (Nope, 2022.) But still I march on.

Sometimes an artist just gets it right the first time I suppose. Arthur Conan Doyle never wrote a word before penning “Sherlock Holmes,” and while he never matched the success of that work, we all still remember him, just as future generations will remember me, the guy who proved “Air Bud” was a stupid movie.

Unless I can write something that convinces Disney to put a little more eye candy in “She Hulk,” I’ll just have to accept “Air Dud” as my legacy.

Real Life Monster Mash: Here’s a List of Everyone Who Flew on Jeffrey Epstein’s Plane

Posted on by Max Barth

Unless you’ve been sequestered in a spooky old castle this October, chances are you’ve already heard the novelty hit “The Monster Mash” at least once. How fun would it be if monsters actually got together and partied like that?! Turns out, not much fun at all.

The flight manifest logs for Jeffrey Epstein’s infamous “Lolita Express” has been released, and it’s got characters that make Dracula and The Wolf-man look like Mr. Rogers and Bob Ross.

Curiously, the flight manifest was written in song form.

I was refueling the jet – Jeffrey’s flight
When my eyes beheld a creepy sight,
For his passengers began to board
And suddenly there was a hoard

It was a mash, a monster mash
The monster mash, a white collar dash
A monster mash, horrid-crimes-for-cash
It was a mash….just a monster mash

Chris Tucker was there, for a rush hour flight
Bill Clinton and Trump, to spend the night
Moguls and titans from every city
Bipartisan banshees from the monster committee

Prince Andrew, of course, was in first class
Frequent flier miles served as his boarding pass,
Sinful second son with no coronation,
Now an expert on statutes of limitation

Ghislaine, Spacey, M. Gladwell and Gates
A cabal of self-dealers and sealers of fates
Authors and scholars from ivory castles,
A private jet full of private assholes

Dubin and Dershowitz,
Senators Mitchell and Glenn
A Who’s-Who of
“What, now?”
“How could they?”
And
“When?”

It was a mash, a monster mash
The monster mash, a white collar dash
A monster mash, evil-crimes-for-cash
It was a mash….just a monster mash

All manner of rich –
Nouveau to old wealth –
Toasted their host,
And wished him good health

Decades of decadence,
Violence and vice,
The monsters mashed on,
Rolling the dice,

And then it was over,
All tied up one day,
One monster left hanging,
The rest let away

The Next Weezer? This Band Constantly Releases New Material but Most of It Sucks

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

Whether you love them or hate them, you cannot deny that Weezer is a band that makes music. Not all of the music is good, but it’s still nice to see Rivers Cuomo and his friends continue to put out albums that disappoint literally everyone. Unfortunately, they’ve inspired another band to do the same.

Indie rock band Goat Garden has released six albums in the last three years, experimenting with everything from hair metal to mainstream pop, but nothing good enough to sell tickets to their shows. Nevertheless, frontman Todd Hillshire seems to enjoy making these mediocre albums, as demonstrated by his enthusiastic response to the Weezer comparisons.

“The next Weezer? I hope so, those guys rock!” Hillshire said. “Rivers and I chat on Discord all the time. I’ve always been inspired by his willingness to make as much content as possible, especially when it leads to bold, experimental material like Van Weezer and the SZNZ collection.”

Hillshire’s ex-girlfriend Jessica Gladwin also views Goat Garden as a potential successor to Weezer, but clarified that this comparison was not meant as a compliment. “Yes, Todd is kind of like Rivers Cuomo. He writes a lot. I never said he writes well but he writes a lot.”

Even Hillshire’s best friend, merch guy Colin Lenz, is concerned about the trajectory of the band’s ever-expanding discography, which has surpassed Weezer in both quantity and lack of quality. “I love Todd! Todd loves making music and he’s keeping me employed,” Lenz confided while checking merch orders, eagerly hoping for the first.

At press time, Goat Garden announced plans to release two more albums before the end of the year, one of which will consist entirely of covers.

Staff of 24 Hour Denny’s Beginning to Suspect Local Band of Living in Corner Booth

Posted on by Maggie D’Isa-Hogan

LOS ANGELES — Staff at the Melrose Avenue Denny’s location are beginning to openly question if the members of local punk band Governmatricide are using the corner booth they have occupied for the past 72 hours as permanent housing.

“I’ve been down this road before. These kids see a neon 24-hour sign and think their prayers are answered,” said veteran night manager Vanessa Melville. “Well, God don’t answer prayers and neither does Denny. They think they can handle the physical toll of eating breakfast all day, but they don’t know what they’re in for. They can sleep in shifts and take turns washing their hair in the bathroom sink, but I ain’t never seen anyone last longer than a week in this hell hole. A ska band made it six days back in ‘94, but the less I say about them the better. God rest their souls.”

Members of the band claim they are not moving in despite the booth being fully adorned with gear and dirty laundry.

“We’re just here to decompress after a show. We are all such big fans of the food here that it’s been tough for us to pull ourselves away,” said frontman Robert Canes, as he and his bandmates set up several instruments and a selection of sound equipment in the booth. “No big deal, we have a home to go back to. Nothing happened to it. It’s a fully functioning house and our landlord definitely isn’t trying to sue us for some sort of ‘freak explosion’ that leveled the property. I don’t even know what I’m saying. The pancakes here are so good they have my brains scrambled almost as much as the delicious eggs I plan on ordering in a few hours.”

Medical experts are beginning to more clearly understand the dangers of using diners as full-time housing.

“We’re seeing more and more musicians come through our doors suffering from scurvy and anemia,” said nutritionist Dr. Alejandro Rodreguiz. “Steak N Shake, Jack in the Box, Waffle House, all 24-hour chains are experiencing an influx of people putting down roots in their establishments. This poses a serious public health hazard. They’ve had some promising results at 24-hour Whataburgers with adding THC Redbull fruit smoothies to the menu, which provides these musicians with vital vitamin C.”

At press time, Denny’s staff was forced to call the police to help remove an improv troupe from the premises after they entered a seventh day of asking customers for a place, occupation, and a type of food.

Hip Youth Pastor Doesn’t Believe in God

Posted on by Sean Fallon

BOISE, Idaho — Local youth pastor Chase Rexley gained quite a following in his church after revealing that he doesn’t believe in God, sources who didn’t know you could do that confirmed.

“I mean, seriously. Only a total dork would believe in an all-knowing, all-seeing supreme being watching over us at all times,” said Rexley, sitting on a chair backward and toying with the popped collar of his dress shirt. “A big guy in the sky who decides who is a sinner and who isn’t? Not for me. I still love my church though. If not for them, I’d never have these sweet $200 shades I just bought from the Sunglasses Hut in the mall. I guess that free money in the church donation basket goes go to good use after all.”

Attendees of Rexley’s youth group found his beliefs to be refreshing.

“I used to think church was lame,” said young churchgoer Stacy Mailer. “But that was before Pastor Chase taught us that going to church could be cool and also that God doesn’t exist to answer our prayers so our pleas for help and advice go unheard and unheeded. That was also before C-Rex nailed a 360 flip in the church parking lot first try. I’ll believe what anyone says if they can be that smooth on a skateboard.”

Rexley’s superiors at the church initially viewed the surge in popularity with suspicion as believing in God was a big part of their whole thing.

“At first, I was disdainful of the stance,” said lifelong priest Father Thomas Gore. “But then we saw how popular his sermons were and we began to think, ‘hey, maybe not believing in God is the future of the church.’ He’s already convinced three or four nuns that Jesus Christ was just a good dude and not necessarily our Lord and savior. Long story short, we’re going to give some of Pastor Rexley’s ideas a try in our church to see if we can increase attendance. Can’t hurt.”

News of Rexley’s fresh stance has reached as far as the Vatican where the Pope, in an effort to win back believers, clean up the church’s reputation, and increase popularity, has begun worshiping Satan.

Black Metal Band Celebrates Successful Tour by Pouring Bucket of Goat’s Blood Over Manager’s Head

Posted on by Chris Bowen

NEW YORK — Extreme Nordic black metal band Virus Ritual celebrated a successful run of U.S. tour dates with the ceremonial dumping of goat’s blood over their beloved tour manager’s head, several long black-haired sources report.

“Well, we did what we needed to do to make this a great, successful tour,” said the band’s manager Erik Pedersen while batting off several buzzing flies. “We had a bit of a rough start in the beginning when we lost our makeup bag, but that guy dressed as Ronald McDonald we ran into in Cleveland really saved our asses in the first half. We were tight, solid, and executed the shows every night. Seeing the boys go out there and play hard every night is worth being all sticky and smelling like copper wire stuffed inside of a dead rodent’s ass.”

Virus Ritual frontman Anders Hansen explained some of the obstacles they faced during the brilliant U.S. run.

“This killer tour didn’t come easy. We had our fair share of bullshit that almost ruined things for us,” Hansen stated. “We had a couple van issues, that one shitty promoter in Rochester who ran away before paying us or providing us the pizza we ask for before every show, that sorta stuff. Also, being able to find a bucket’s worth of goat blood in 39 U.S. cities proved to be pretty difficult. But Erik is an amazing manager with a conveniently great reputation in the country’s butcher scene, so he came through for us every single night.”

Johnny Lee, owner of the Brass Bar music venue in Denver, was not thrilled by the band’s gesture.

“I guess it was cool seeing all those frowny guys so excited right here in my venue,” Lee said while mopping up a massive pile of hot, red goo. “But now not only does my bar look like the scene of a massacre, it smells like complete hell. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened though. I remember one time when we had that glam band Trick N’ Boots play a show here, they had a glitter cannon and completely covered the place. I swear that shit still comes out of our beer taps.”

At press time, Virus Ritual was seen vigorously attempting to scrub out the blood stains inside their rental tour van before returning it to Hertz.

Wanna Feel Old? Lady Gaga Says That the Meat Dress Has Decayed to the Point Where She Can Only Wear It as a Sleep Shirt

Posted on by Freelancer

Can you believe it’s actually been that long? Lady Gaga just revealed that the iconic Meat Dress that she wore to the 2010 MTV Music Awards has rotted away to the point where she can only wear it to bed.

Believe it or not, there was a time in this country when we all thought that dresses had to be made of fabric, sequins, or whatever. Gaga was the only one brave enough to ask: “What if I showed up to that shit draped in raw flank steak?” And then she did that. We all remember where we were when our moms called us to ask if we heard about the hidden Satanic subtext of Lady Gorgo’s meat gown.

Since then, Lady Gaga has gone on to cement herself as one of the most influential pop stars of our time, mostly by doing boring, non-meat related stuff like being nominated for Oscars and releasing jazz albums with Tony Bennett that feel weirdly unethical to listen to. But at home, she’s still Stefani Germanotta, humbly spritzing her meat gown with L.A. municipal tap water to keep it from drying out into jerky.

And yet, time comes for us all, because what was once an iconic performance art piece about… oh shit. Veganism? No… the dark side of fame? Fuck. Was it a political thing? Anyways, what was once the raw meat dress is now a pile of oozing, maggot-infested flesh that Gaga wears with old Juicy sweatpants when she’s just lounging and squelching around the house.

“A Star Is Born? More like A Carcass Is Worn.” That’s what Lady Gaga says to the mirror each night while she gets ready for bed, gently wrapping the moist green flaps of grotesque, decomposing strip steak over her bare skin as she prepares for a beautiful night of what she calls ‘Beef Dreams’. The familiar stench of rotting flesh lulls Gaga to sleep in a rich dreamscape where Artpop is artistically relevant, House of Gucci won Best Picture, and Jared Leto doesn’t exist.

Once there was a cow that lived out its days feeding on grass in a pasture, that then became a pile of raw meat, that then became a dress, that then became a potential violation of the Chemical Weapons Convention. Such is the beauty and tragedy of the cold passage of time. But we hear Gaga still uses the matching Meat Purse when she runs errands, so YOLO baby!