Black Bear Family Proudly Displays Mounted Stuffed Ted Nugent Head Above Fireplace

Posted on by Chris Bowen

JACKSON, Mich. — A local American black bear family proudly displayed the stuffed head of the elusive Ted Nugent as a trophy above their cabin’s fireplace after hunting him over several days, several furry sources report.

“I couldn’t believe I actually bagged the fuckin’ ‘Nuge. This guy has been terrorizing these woods with his bow and arrow for years,” said Papa Bear. “Then one day I was foraging for some berries, minding my own business and he was just sitting there, out in the middle of the woods ranting into his phone about liberals. I knew I had to take a shot. He made quite a yelp before taking off, bleeding out for a few yards and collapsing. Now when I’m home and I look up at my fireplace to see his weird, psychotic eyes and gross stringy chin hair, it brings me back to the joy I felt that day. Definitely my crowning achievement.”

Nugent’s agent Daryl Berntly appeared to be in a state of panic after knowing his client was now stuffed wall decor.

“We are screwed,” Berntly said while on the verge of hyperventilating. “Ted is supposed to be the guest of honor at a huge MAGA rally in South Carolina this week, and all we have is his headless corpse! If we rig it up right he might still be able to play ‘Cat Scratch Fever’ but it won’t be the same without his mouth yelling the words and tearing down the left. We do have a plan to possibly sneak into that bear’s home and steal our precious Ted’s head back, but I’m not going to be able to get my hands on a sufficient amount of salmon to distract the bears long enough to make my move. Guess the MAGA crowd will just have to settle for Kid Rock as long as he doesn’t get himself taxidermied in the meantime.”

Wildlife conservationist Sandra Baker explained how wild animals have been trophy hunting classic rock musicians for decades.

“Each year, we receive several reports of musicians being hunted down in the woods by bears for sport,” Baker explained. “For some reason, classic rock and metal musicians are typically ones we find the bodies of, but their heads are taken as trophies. Some do escape, however. Ever since he narrated that documentary on hunting bears in Alaska, James Hetfield has been numero uno in the world of rock and roll trophy hunting.”

At the time of press, the black bear family was seen taking a custom AK-47/guitar to an appraiser to have it authenticated.

Review: Alexisonfire “Otherness”

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Each week, The Hard Times reviews an album of our choosing to make us feel like we did something productive. This week we’re taking a closer look at the album “Otherness” by post-hardcore phenom Alexisonfire.

This record has it all. A little bit of screaming, a little bit of singing, and a little bit of screaming and singing at the same time. Exactly what you want in a piece of art. The only negative thing I can say about this album is that I can’t say this band’s name out loud without triggering my Alexa.

As we all know, Alexisonfire came out long before Amazon’s home virtual assistant technology. But you try explaining that to your Alexa after it asks you what you want because you accidentally set it off while having a conversation with your friend about Alexisonfire.

The last time this happened, my buddy Jake and I were shooting the shit and talking post-hardcore. When I brought up Alexisonfire, my Alexa thought it kind of heard its name yet also heard the word “fire.” And it just so happens that this company has a product called Amazon Fire. Hoo boy, did this lead to a communication kerfuffle.

Not only did dozens of Amazon Fire packages show up at my door the next day, but this damn company also sent me a few Amazon Echos after Jake just so happened to bring up the band Echo and the Bunnymen three or four times. Like, what the hell? Can’t in-home technology differentiate between bands and products anymore?

I’m just glad I didn’t mention Primus and have Amazon inadvertently sign me up for a handful of Prime memberships. Really dodged a bullet there.

It’s kind of funny that people are worried about Amazon listening in on our conversations through their devices. I’m more worried about their products not fully grasping the content of my conversations. Artificial intelligence, my ass.

But good news. I was able to explain the whole story to one of Amazon’s customer service bots and I got a full refund for my troubles. But after reiterating several times that I meant to say “Alexisonfire” and not “Alexa Fire,” they straight up sent me dozens of copies of “Otherness” to evidently “atone for Alexa’s mistakes.” Amazon got me again.

Long story short, that’s how I came to review all 36 personal copies of this album. You’re welcome.

SCORE: 10 out of 10 same-day shipping charges

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Dad Begs Kids to Let Him Go See Blink-182

Posted on by Alan Khanukaev

COVENTRY, R.I. — 43-year-old father of two Mike Lassiter begged his children for permission to go see his favorite pop punk band on their upcoming world tour with Tom DeLonge rejoining the band, confirmed sources who only know of the band because of “The Kardashians.”

“As soon as I saw Tom was rejoining the band I texted my daughters to ask if it was ok to go,” said Lassiter. “At first they were a little skeptical because Blink has some pretty explicit lyrics. They didn’t want me walking around the house singing about banging horses or whatever, but eventually they said it was ok as long as I agreed to let them have three parties at our house with no adult supervision. The choice was easy.”

Lassiter’s youngest daughter, 14-year-old Chloe, admitted she was annoyed by the request at first.

“I woke up when I heard him screaming ‘oh my god, oh my god’ then he rushed into my bedroom and started asking if he could go see Blink,” said the teenager. “I had no idea what he was even talking about, then he ran out of the room and came back in with a pile of CDs and said we need to listen to all of them right away. I don’t know who owns a CD player at this point, I just wanted to get back to bed. It’s nice to see him excited about something, but we need to have some ground rules. If he goes to the show he has to wear his hat straight, it can’t be pointed to the side. And we will have a ban on all oversized Dickies’ shorts, chunky Etnies, and anything with the word ‘Hurley’ on it. He needs to dress his age.”

A spokesperson for Ticketmaster says many adults across the country are having similar conversations with their children.

“You have to understand that nobody under the age of 24 cares about Blink-182. So we are seeing a lot of older millennials trying to navigate our ticketing process and leaning on their children for help,” said sales representative Tasha Ortiz. “This isn’t like the old days where you would go to a box office and grab your tickets, the new world is cut-throat and vicious. Having a teenager guide you through this process is going to make things a lot easier and hopefully prevent parents from punching holes in their walls when they realize tickets sold out less than one minute after they went on sale.”

At press time, Lassiter was begging his daughters to bring him to Claire’s so he could get his snake bite piercings re-done.

Aliens Abduct Matt Skiba by Accident

Posted on by Max Barth

LOS ANGELES – Extraterrestrial beings confirmed today that they accidentally abducted founding member of Alkaline Trio, and now former Blink-182 guitarist, Matt Skiba instead of Tom DeLonge.

“Our sensors detected a human with a nasally cadence playing an electrified guitar in his garage and we assumed he was our target since he had on a bunch of Blink-182 merch and was noodling his way through ‘Josie’ over and over,” said a gas-based sentient being from far beyond the stars. “Unfortunately, once we got him on board our ship and began our experiments it was clear from his screaming that our subject was not the sought-for human male. We knew that Tom would be asking us a lot of questions and trying to understand if we made it to Earth before and joking about probes, but this other guy made no reference to us inspecting his anus, that’s when we knew we made a mistake.”

DeLonge, who recently rejoined platinum-selling worldwide megastars Blink 182 for an announced Summer 2023 reunion tour, quickly offered to help Skiba in any way possible.

“The entire original, actual Blink-182 sends its warmest regards to Matt,” said Delonge, reached for comment at an undisclosed location miles below the Earth’s surface. “My company, To The Stars, will do anything possible to secure Matt’s return to Earth, up-to-and-including offering custom merchandise at our worldwide sold-out tour, partial proceeds of which will be donated to build rockets or telescopes or whatever. You can go to Blink182.com right now to buy tickets to our shows.”

Fans of Blink-182 appeared confused by the news of Skiba’s disappearance.

“I guess it’s a shame when anyone is abducted, but I think it’s for the best,” said 39-year-old Anna Cox, anxiously waiting to purchase tickets to every date on the Blink-182 reunion tour. “He needs to be out of the so Blink can get back to normal. I’m sure wherever he is, he’s doing just great. Maybe he’s starting a band or joining an already fabulous band on Mars. They probably took his brain out. I read an interview with Tom where he talked about aliens doing that kinda shit. It was so cool. God, I can’t wait for the tour. I hope they don’t play the newer, non-Tom stuff.”

As of press time, terrestrial beings from across the galaxy were sending coded messages to DeLonge asking if they can get on the guest list.

Band Opening for Porky Pig Regrets Letting Him Borrow Kick Drum

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

LOS ANGELES — Members of Hollywood mainstays Eager Young Space Cadet regret letting headliner Porky Pig borrow their kick drum after he inflicted some extreme, albeit expected, damage, sources confirmed.

“At first I was excited to meet such a legend, he’s such a huge influence on our sound and worldview. It’s not every gig you get to meet someone you’ve respected since kindergarten. I mean, our band’s named after the guy,” said Eager Young Space Cadet drummer Alan Amaretto. “But when I watched him end his set by bursting headfirst through my drum head, which I bought with my own money, and all he could muster was ‘That’s All Folks!’ I was like ‘Shit. That IS all, folks.’ I’m done.”

Band members report that, while this is a gross misdeed on the animated swine’s part, it comes with the territory of opening for cartoon characters.

“I don’t want to sound negative, but I swear, I’ll never open for a cartoon character again. This was the last straw,” fumed guitarist Louden Kingsley. “It was the same goddamn thing when we did that festival with the Pink Panther who borrowed my guitar and painted the whole thing fuchsia to evidently ‘match his aesthetic.’ What a jerk.”

The iconic “Looney Tunes” personality understood the band’s feelings, but had a rather unsympathetic retort.

“Look, I understand what it’s like to be an up-and-comer, I’ve played second fiddle to the rabbit and the duck since they burst onto the scene,” said the “Merrie Melodies” star from his Burbank office. “But these kids were fans of mine, they were familiar with my work…They should have known what they were getting into when I asked to borrow it. Heck, it’s a badge of honor. When you see Bruce Springsteen, you want to see him play ‘Born To Run.’ When you see Paul McCartney, you want to see him play ‘Hey Jude.’ And when you buy a ticket to see Porky goddamn Pig, you want to see him burst through the head of a big kick drum and say ‘Th-th-th-th-that’s all, folks!’ I’m just trying to give my fans what they came for.”

In an act of good faith, Mr. Pig purchased the band a new bass drum for their trouble, but unfortunately it was ordered from an Acme catalog.

Avid Concertgoer Responds to Therapist’s “How Are You Feeling Today?” with “WOOOO!”

Posted on by John Danek

DALLAS — Frequent concertgoer Peter Logan once again was accused of not taking his therapy sessions seriously after responding with shouts and rounds of applause to basic questions, sources confirmed.

“It’s astonishing. I think Peter firmly believes life is a concert and he’s the biggest fan in the room. His behavior is made worse by the fact he always asks if he can stash his jacket behind the front desk and then asks the receptionist if we have any new merch,” explained Dr. Laura Truman, popular specialist in music-related delusions. “At the beginning of each session when I ask how he’s feeling, Peter always responds with a shrieked ‘WOOOOOO!’ while smiling and throwing up his index and pinky fingers. I try to explain to him why it isn’t acceptable behavior. Then he begins applauding me at four-minute intervals. When our session is over he usually chants ‘one more question’ until I shut the lights in the office off. Tragic but fascinating.”

Logan has been attending concerts multiple times per week ever since his tweens when older siblings would drive him.

“My therapist is going to put on such a good show today, I can feel it. The last few setlists have kinda been shit, so I’m due for a good one,” said Logan, who has begun stocking his apartment with clear plastic beer cups that fill up from a tap valve on the bottom. “Dr. Truman frequently closes with my codependent relationships, but a few weeks ago she opened with it which was a shocker. Recently, she had to go to a conference, so the concert was canceled. But I was able to get my tickets refunded.”

Peter’s behavioral shift is just the most recent evidence that frequent show attendance can lead to various personal, mental, and physical problems.

“I’ve been involved in the live music scene here in Dallas for years, and I’ve definitely seen it change people,” recalled show promoter and all-around scumbag Jeff Halls. “You got people woo’ing at funerals, in hospitals, and on the train. Then, others think it’s OK to mosh just because they can hear a jackhammer in the distance. Even worse, some people can become addicted and get really strung out, but that might be because I’m selling them smack at the shows.”

As of press time, Peter Logan is no longer a patient of Dr. Truman’s, as he attempted to follow his doctor on a West Coast tour which was actually just a family RV vacation.

Opinion: Yeah, I Support Women in STEM — Screamo, Thrash, Emo, and Mathcore

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

As a feminist, I believe that it is very important that women in STEM have opportunities to succeed in their fields. Whether their bands are considered screamo, thrash, emo, or mathcore, these chicks have been killing it lately, shattering the glass ceiling one breakdown at a time.

Sadly, women in STEM are commonly underpaid in comparison to their male counterparts. Sure, most dudes in these types of bands aren’t exactly raking in cash, either, but sometimes they get an extra drink ticket or two. Shouldn’t women get more drink tickets? Chicks love wine, right?

Women in STEM also have to deal with constantly being compared to other women in the music industry, even if their bands sound nothing alike. Not every woman sounds like Paramore. Some of them sound like Evanescence or Jinjer.

Okay, maybe those bands aren’t STEM either, but the singers are chicks, and sometimes they scream, right? That’s still more STEM than the pop stuff that Paramore have been doing recently — their last album didn’t even have gutturals!

It doesn’t help that Warped Tour, aka punk rock summer camp, is no longer traveling cross-country. Back then, women could see a few female-fronted bands in their prime provided the set times didn’t clash. What are we supposed to do now? Introduce girls to these subgenres ourselves? Look, I want my little sister to develop a decent musical taste, but if she scratches any of my records, I will kill her.

My point is that women in STEM need more role models to look up to. Schools should give out scholarships to girls interested in these subgenres, or at least gift them an I Hate Sex album or two on Bandcamp. If we get enough parents to rally the school board, we could even negotiate an increase in STEM funding and form some new acts for next year’s Battle of the Bands.

Right now, the average woman can’t even name three songs. That’s not a good look for our education system. Math classes in some states claim to follow a “common core” curriculum, but their outdated textbooks fail to educate kids about more recent mathcore bands like SeeYouSpaceCowboy and The Callous Daoboys. We have got to do better for our daughters.

Wait, you were asking if I support women in the sciences? What bands do they listen to?

5 Hot Takes About the MCU That Will Make the Judge Remind You This Is a Child Custody Hearing

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

The Marvel Cinematic Universe is the most popular movie franchise in the world, but that doesn’t mean the people in charge of it don’t have shit for brains. Kevin Feige could really turn the MCU into a success, if he would just respond to some brilliant Tweets and not send so-called “restraining orders.” Here are five hot takes on the MCU that will make the judge remind you firmly that this is a child custody hearing and not the place for pop culture observations!

Hot Take! Captain America needs to come back, but this time have the right opinions. Illegal immigration, voter fraud, judges trying to force men to share part-time custody against their will: All are un-American, and Cap should know it!

Sorry, your honor.

Hot Take! Kang should not be black, but Immortus should be. This isn’t a race thing. But everyone knows that as the descendent of either the Fantastic Four’s Reed Richards or “Doctor” Victor Von Doom, the time-traveling conqueror known as Kang should be white, otherwise Stan Lee will be spinning in his grave. But who knows what the rigors of excessive time travel could do, with the future version of Kang known as Immortus perhaps-

Oh man, what did her attorney just say? Fuck, every other weekend is my Me Time!

Hot Take! The Age of Ultron is the best MCU movie, despite what those dumbass, worthless kids say.

They don’t know fucking shit about the feature film work of the good and honorable Joss Whedon, your honor.

Hot Take! Thanos was right about his outfit choices. C’mon, your honor! Purple and gold are regal colors and appropriate for a #manking like the Mad Titan! Also, the children of Thanos weren’t even biologically his, and now that I think about it, maybe a DNA test is in order before you mandate any kind of parental support.

Hot Take! Superman needs to finally show up. Where was the Last Son of Krypton during the Snap? Or during the Sokovia Accords, which that terrible, woman-centered She-Hulk show reversed for no reason.

Your honor, I just want to say that it is clear that a man like myself has no business watching my own or any children. Just wait till you hear my opinions on the new Lord of the Rings show.

Seriously, I have some notes.

La Dispute Just Reading Ingredients Off Shampoo Bottle Now

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Legendary post-hardcore band La Dispute confused fans with the band’s new lyrical direction by literally just reading ingredients off the shampoo bottle, troubled sources confirmed.

“I think it’s only natural to be weary and tentative when a band you’ve been following for years starts changing things up,” stated frontman Jordan Dreyer. “But I assure you that we are the same La Dispute you know and love. We’ve gotten better at our craft, and we’ve grown as people. First, I sang about relationships of my own. Then as I grew, I started writing in other people’s voices, and even making up stories about my own about my home state. 18 years in, I’m noticing the things in life that come from unassuming places, and they’re inspiring me. Today it’s a frenetic math-rock groove about Selsun Blue, but who knows what tomorrow will bring? Those Lunchables labels are off the chain, and those preservatives deserve a look too.”

Longtime fan Brian Skellack will continue to support the band but feels slightly cheated.

“La Dispute’s music got me through some tough times, but I don’t know about this one,” said Skellack. “I’ll still come out to shows and check them out, but I really hope they get back to their roots… and I’m not talking about Nanogen’s 7-in-1 Hair Thickening Treatment. Like most departure albums, I think they just need to get this out of their system, and we’ll be back to normal. If this truly is part of a personal journey, then it’s fine. But if I ever see them roll up with a V-05 decal on their van, I’m outta here.”

Lyric expert Donovan Miller believes that long-running bands need to take risks to feel creatively fulfilled.

“What we’re seeing here is nothing new,” asserted Miller. “Some bands find a new sound, some experiment with new instruments, and they kill it. Sometimes it’s more of a creative purge so they can get back on track. These La Dispute guys are still young, and they’re quite good. Let them read their labels, and be patient! This could unlock an entirely new era in their growth and fans will be singing along about sodium lauryl sulfate for years to come. And besides, there’s no way the new album could be worse than ‘Lulu.’”

At press time, Dreyer was seen shouting a poem about Liquid Glass in the automotive section of Walmart.

Photo by Chey Rawhoof.

You Go Girl! This Old Woman Is Still Driving Even Though She Probably Shouldn’t

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Let’s get straight to the facts: strong, empowered women are incredible. From Kathleen Hannah to Michelle Obama to pretty much any roller derby player there is no shortage of feminist icons to inspire us. But there is an unsung hero out there who has preserved in the face of incredible odds. I’m talking about octogenarian Gertrude Tenenbaum of Levittown, Pennsylvania who after 60 years is still driving despite being a danger on the road to herself and everyone around her.

She’s paid her dues to society, so what if she drives 20 miles per hour under the speed limit? She worked two jobs and raised five kids, she can take all the damn time she wants. If anything, everyone else on the road should be getting out of her way.

Now I know you’re probably thinking, “can’t she just get around some other way” or some bullshit. In case you haven’t noticed, we live in a country that happens to hate public transportation. So unless someone can wave a magic wand and change our infrastructure overnight, you can’t blame this boss babe for driving the wrong way down a one-way road.

Gertrude’s not going to let anyone tell her what she can or can’t do: not her kids, not the assisted living orderlies, and especially not the government. Anyone who believes the state should step in and revoke this queen’s license might as well put her in a Handmaid’s dress. Think about the fact that in some countries women still can’t drive!

Think of the blinker that has been on for the past ten miles as a beacon of freedom.

Sure the insurance premium for her 2002 Toyota Corolla is $4K a month due to multiple moving violations, expired registration tags, not changing the oil for 15,000 miles, weekly fender benders, her pending vehicular manslaughter trial, and that time she crashed into a JOANN Fabric store. But that’s a small price to pay to not have to be relegated to taking the bus.

So if you see her on the road, salute this hero from a safe distance. Or at the very least, pull the stop sign out of her front bumper.