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If You’re Not Furious About This Issue I Just Learned About 10 Seconds Ago Then We’re Not Best Friends Anymore

Did you see that article I sent you 10 seconds ago? The one about that mayor in Colombia who sold the town’s water rights to Coca-Cola? You did? Well since you never said anything about it I just figured that either you didn’t receive it, or you fully support multinational corporations extracting valuable resources from vulnerable populations on behalf of their wealthy governments. And if that’s the case, you can go right ahead and fuck off!

Obviously I don’t mean that. You know I have a tendency to get hot under the collar immediately after learning about literally any new issue, but this issue is especially important to me, okay? Oh, and another thing. If you don’t lose your shit about this right now, we’re done as friends.

Also, I know we were going to the movies today, but I don’t want to see the one you chose. The director of that film sits on the board of a non-profit organization that funds hundreds of causes, including one that sends care packages to soldiers stationed overseas. So I’m not going to support him. You still are? Alright then. I didn’t realize that my best friend loved to benefit from the global imperialist structures that rebranded colonialism as helping the world, but I’ve been fooled before.

We’ve been inseparable since first grade when I was the new kid at school and everyone else made fun of me because I wasn’t from here, but I’ll throw all of that away right now. It’s 2022 and things are different. There’s no hill too small to die on, motherfucker!

You know what? Don’t text me ever again, okay? How’s that? Maybe I’m throwing away a lifelong companionship and an irreplaceable best friend, but so what? At least I have a clean conscience over it. Now get out of my face fascist. You disgust me.