Noise Musician Preparing to Spend Seventh Consecutive Thanksgiving Lying About Being a Jazz Musician

Posted on by Peter Woods

TOLEDO, Ohio. – Local noise musician Gary Wilkerson spent the past week researching music history and terminology in order to convince his immediate family that he is a jazz artist as opposed to a noise one during Thanksgiving dinner, sources close to Wilkerson report.

“It all started when my uncle Ron suddenly remembered that I played guitar in high school and asked if I still played music,” said Wilkerson. “I knew that trying to explain noise as a genre would have taken hours, because it’s so much more than just a genre after all. And I didn’t want to convince this dude who thinks REO Speedwagon is the epitome of Western culture that putting a bag over my head and blasting a distorted recording of a French dude vomiting has artistic merit. So I lied and just said I play jazz now. But now Uncle Ron keeps calling me ‘cool cat’ and asks me how those ‘hip jazz gigs’ are going every year. Continuing to lie about that is so demoralizing.”

While keeping the truth hidden may prove difficult, Wilkerson’s family continues to believe his story.

“We’re all just so glad that Gary finally stopped playing that screamy metal music and started playing something we can be proud of,” said Kim Wilkerson, his mother. “I like jazz! I don’t listen to it a lot, but there’s that one saxophone guy I really like. What’s his name? Oh yeah, Kenny G. He’s wonderful. I hope Gary sounds like that! I’m going to try to get one of Gary’s CDs so I can have my dentist play it next time I get a cleaning.”

Despite the family’s appreciation of the cover story, others in the local scene have expressed a sense of betrayal.

“Gary is totally abandoning a community that has always had his back by doing this,” said Nellie Dennis, a local noise act who plays under the stage name Repaired Vagina Quartet. “And for what? So he can have a comfortable conversation with his Dad? I would never turn my back on the scene like that. And if my mom ever forgives me for ‘the incident’ and finally invites me back for Thanksgiving, I’ll prove it.”

At press time, Wilkerson repeatedly asserted that lying to his family in no way equates to him abandoning his roots as a noise musician by dropping heat resistant microphone along with the turkey into a deep fryer.

Brewery Full of Bearded 34-Year-Olds Turn Around as Woman Shouts “Hey Matt!”

Posted on by Matt McInerney

SOUTH DEERFIELD, Mass. — Local woman Kelly Flowers nearly caused a riot on Saturday night as she accidentally signaled the attention of almost an entire brewery of bearded guys named Matt, non-Matt sources confirmed.

“I’d never been before, so I was having a hard time finding my friend. After wandering for a while, I thought I spotted him so I called his name. I had no idea what I was triggering,” shuddered Flowers. “As ‘Hey Matt!’ left my lips, I saw a sea of similar-looking men stand and turn. A wave of confusion washed over the room as they stared at me, wondering what I could want. It was mayhem. It took hours for the crowd to settle.”

Matt Brantley, a local software engineer, was sitting quietly at the bar when the scene occurred.

“I was peacefully sipping a New England-style IPA when suddenly I heard this woman shouting my name. As I turned, I could feel a pack of bodies move with me,” said Brantley as he mimicked the motion. “I didn’t understand what was happening at first, but as I scanned the crowd, the same repeated, confused look told the story. It was like looking into a hundred mirrors. The same Carhartt beanie colliding over and over, spilling gallons of ale on full beards. It was a chaotic nightmare.”

Jason Howell, a sociologist and naming expert who runs the popular BabyNamePlaybook.com, is tracking this phenomenon.

“It is common for names to go in and out of fashion, but something about the spike of Matthews in the late ‘80s was different. Whether it’s the nature of being called Matt, or the way we treat Matts, this isn’t just a popular name. This group seems to have coalesced around a set of norms and behaviors,” said Howell. “This brewery story isn’t one of a kind. All around the country, you can spot hordes of Matt, all with the same interests, following the same career paths, and even conforming to the same grooming habits. Look closely next time you’re at an artisanal food truck or axe-throwing bar. You’ll see them everywhere. Just be sure not to draw their attention by calling their name or speaking too loudly about ‘Breaking Bad.'”

At press time, the throng of Matts was seen heading to a new barcade across the street that charges $1 to play five minutes on an Atari emulator in a wooden cabinet.

5 Creative Thanksgiving Dishes to Make for the Eerie Porcelain Dolls You Call Your Family

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Traditional boring Thanksgiving dinners are fine for some families, who don’t care about celebrating our nation’s history with a little flair. Turkey with those little bows? Dull. Ambrosia salad? Disgusting! Bread up the ass of a bird? Pervert!

But it doesn’t have to be that way! If you really want to impress the collection of eerie, smiling porcelain dolls who live in the attic and that you call your family, try these delicious, easy recipes!

1. Sweet Meringue Yams

Sweet potatoes baked with marshmallows are as American as apple pie and holding Mother, the porcelain doll with the sinister expression and starched lace collar, while you stare into a mirror through the night. Try bumping it up a notch by baking a rich, sweet meringue onto Hasselbeck yams!

2. Wild Rice and Cranberry Salad

Thanksgiving food doesn’t have to be heavy, sugar-filled, and delicious! This healthy side dish of three different wild rice varieties tossed in a light cranberry vinaigrette is perfect to keep your waistline trim and unchanging, just as the cool, pale bodies of the only family you can ever truly love will never change.

Ever.

3. A Single Piece of Ceramic to Lie Cool and Still On Your Tongue

Not every Thanksgiving dish has to be a riff on an old classic! Instead, you can simply place a ceramic disk on your tongue and sit silently amongst your brothers and sisters, finally feeling like you are one of them. You are still. You are silent. The ceramic in your mouth is delicious.

4. Around the World Wheel of Cheese

Cheeseball? Get the fuck out of here! You can forget the artificial smoke taste of those globes of yellow-ass cheddar because you’ll have a real globe… of cheese! Simply use your atlas as a cheeseboard and place a chunk of cheese on the appropriate country and whisper the names of your sweet and perfect family to yourself. They will always love you and the terrible things you have done in their name.

5. Bloody Meat

Does anybody actually like roast turkey? Not when there is a pile of fresh, bloody meat still quivering from the kill, while your porcelain family slowly stand from their dollhouse chairs and move with the terrible sound of grinding ceramic to feast!

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Review: Pierce the Veil “The Jaws of Life”

Posted on by James Knapp

This week we took a look at Pierce the Veil’s brand new album “The Jaws of Life,” and look back on the memory of our late editor, Toby, who died in the wreckage of an eighty-Zamboni-pileup at the “Hardcore Hockey ‘13” expo, at which the actual jaws of life were also present.

First a little background. Pierce the Veil started back in 2006 and quickly developed a knack for crafting infectious, emo-tinged post-hardcore ballads. “Hardcore Hockey ‘13” was a mash-up beatdown hardcore / penal hockey bloodbath held in an old, weird gym in Paramus, New Jersey, in 2012. Our editor, Toby, was first in line for tickets.

Way back in 2018 Pierce the Veil announced that they’d begun working on “The Jaws of Life.” Also in 2018, we were still making weekly trips to the coroner’s office to identify chips of bone that were still being pulled out of that Zamboni massacre with regularity and volume.

“The Jaws of Life” is a major step forward musically for Pierce the Veil after a long hiatus and much perspective gained. The actual jaws of life also proved to be a major step forward for the fire department in using them to free the three surviving Paramus Institute For the Violently Insane convicts from the wreckage of the mass Zamboni demolition derby.

Ironically, those three were the exact three who initiated the crash in the first place.

When we think about Pierce the Veil, it reminds us of being back in high school and experiencing the joys of screamo for the very first time. When we think about Toby, we wish he hadn’t lied about having insurance so we could stop selling office furniture just to keep the site running.

So overall, “The Jaws of Life,” pretty good. Also, the actual jaws of life are fucking invaluable – otherwise they never would have been able to recover what was left of Toby’s face from that tangle of auger conveyors.

Score: 7 out of 10 criminally insane hardcore Zamboni operators

/**/

B.C. Rich Issues Apology After Making Guitar-Shaped Guitar

Posted on by Andrew Murphy

ORLANDO, Fla. — Guitar manufacturer B.C. Rich was forced to issue an apology after debuting a totally normal-looking guitar that outraged their dedicated customers, confirmed multiple upset men in denim vests.

“To our customers and fans of rad-looking guitars around the world, we are deeply deeply sorry,” said CEO William Xavier. “The failure to add random pointy spikes to this guitar fills us with great shame. I want to personally apologize for the guitar’s lack of spider webs, lightning bolts, or tribal designs. We are recalling each unit and they will be destroyed and burned to ash so none of the pieces can be used again. We promise the next model we release will be so sharp you could cut a raw steak with it.”

Xavier’s comments came after a video of the new guitar, dubbed “The Standard” being released at this year’s NAMM conference went viral.

“As soon as I saw that completely normal hunk of crap my heart sank,” said longtime customer Sam Malinowski, guitarist of glam rock band Viscous Licks. “I threw my beer and started booing when I saw there wasn’t a single skull fretboard inlay or aggressive spur. I felt so betrayed. I’d rather cut my own fingers off than play a solo on that boring, uninspired design. And what’s up with this weird little pickup that looks like half of a regular pickup? Whoever came up with this clearly knows nothing about real music.”

The release comes during a difficult time for the music industry with many of the major brands being forced to apologize for new designs that insulted their fan base, such as Gibson’s infamous “Les Paul for Less than $12,000” or Line6’s new “Reasonable” amp setting.

“I can’t say I’m surprised by the reaction,” said UCLA Musicology Professor Shannon Hall, author of “It’s Like My Dick is Really Loud: Patriarchy, Iran/Contra, and the Rise of Hair Metal Guitar.” “For generations, American men have associated weird pointy guitars with virility and edgy style. But as the guitar has lost it’s stranglehold on the imaginations of young American men, the instrument has been taken over by emasculated and threatening forces like indie or even jazz. For those looking for a balls-to-the-fucking-wall image and sound below $400 bucks, B.C. Rich was one of the last safe heavens.”

B.C. Rich hopes to win back customers with their latest design the “Midnight Werewolf Exotic Deluxe,” which will feature absolutely zero symmetry, 15 strings, and a neon purple Floyd Rose Tremolo System and will be released directly to pawn shops this Christmas season.

Your High School Sweetheart Viewed Your LinkedIn Profile – Here Are 57 Things That Could Possibly Mean

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

So you got a notification that someone looked at your LinkedIn profile. That’s weird since you hardly use the site. However, it wasn’t a potential employer or a headhunter. It was your first love, your prom date, and the person you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with when you were seventeen. You haven’t spoken or even friended one another on other social media. What could their reasoning possibly be for looking at your resume?! Here are 57 possibilities for you to dwell on instead of sleeping tonight.

1. It was an accident.
2. Their marriage is on the rocks.
3. They are pining for better times.
4. Absolutely nothing.
5. They plan to apply to the company you work at.
6. It is actually their spouse snooping.
7. They desperately want you back.
8. They are looking at the life they could have had.
9. They are correctly assuming they dodged a bullet.
10. Gathering information for an upcoming reunion.
11. They are messing with your head… again.
12. Friend/family member needs a rebound fling.
13. Seeing how much you have aged.
14. Checking to see if that paralegal degree paid off.
15. They are dying.
16. Seeing if they can sell you a timeshare.
17. Trying to suss out if you are in a relationship.
18. Trying to suss out if you are in a relationship with Jesus Christ.
19. Newly single.
20. Seven year itch.
21. In need of a job reference.
22. Their identity was stolen.
23. Going to steal your identity.
24. Needs bail money for current partner.
25. Wondering if you still have their DVD of Empire Records.
26. Cat got on their keyboard.
27. Going to tell you their mom died, she always liked you.
28. Needs help with a computer issue.
29. Bored on the toilet.
30. Meant to click on another person with similar name.
31. Wants you back.
32. Thought they blocked you years ago.
33. Wondering if you got your act together.
34. Drunk and thinks they are on Facebook.
35. Trying to connect with your more successful friends.
36. Wondering why you looked at their profile first.
37. Is polyamorous now.
38. Stuck in an escape room and needs your esoteric knowledge of shortwave radio signals.
39. Laughing at what a mistake they made while at a party and all of their friends are laughing at you too.
40. Phone was stolen.
41. Is in a ‘Taken’ scenario: you are the only one they are able to contact and they desperately need your help before they are disappeared.
42. Needs your matching blood type for an urgent transfusion.
43. Writing their memoirs.
44. Has amnesia and is trying to trigger their memory.
45. Planning on moving to Portland and is checking to make sure you don’t live there.
46. Seeing if you still work at Outback Steakhouse.
47. Is infested with an alien virus and is seeking a new host body.
48. Needs a date to their cousin’s wedding.
49. Is on Step 8 of the 12-Step Program.
50. Just hoping to find someone whose life is even worse than theirs.
51. Looking to make their new partner jealous.
52. Thought of you while watching Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story.
53. Their friend did it as a gag.
54. Seasonal affective disorder.
55. Needed an updated photograph of you for the police.
56. Thumb slipped.
57. Its fate.

Ultimately though, no matter the reason, this is going to be your obsession for the next few weeks.

Band Confused Over Punctuation Accidentally Releases Enormous New 7’ Single

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

BRISTOL, Conn. — Embarrassed members of sludge-punk band Grinch Meat are allegedly kicking themselves after forgetting an apostrophe and ordering hundreds of gigantic seven-foot singles, astonished sources report.

“I’ll never forget the feeling of confused horror washing over me when I heard the beeping of all those 18 wheelers backing into our rehearsal space. Then, out they came, the biggest slabs of vinyl I’ve seen in my life. You could side a whole apartment complex with one of these things,” said Grinch Meat bassist and singer Randall “Pluto” Frenette. “Nobody wants to take the blame on who messed up inches and feet, but I swear it wasn’t me. I learned my lesson from the ‘Spinal Tap’ Stonehenge scene.”

Though the members of the band are frustrated over their mistake, Grinch Meat’s merch person is content with the misunderstanding.

“I’m just glad to be working outside in the open air. These new singles are too big to fit through the doors of any venue within miles of here, so I set up the table out back. On a clear night I can see the stars…I got no complaints!” said merch guy Elliott Milsap. “Plus, I’m getting super jacked lugging those things in and out of the trailer. I hope they record a full length soon, so I can strap a few of these to my back and use them on leg day.”

Electrical engineer and acoustician Helen Lowe has been hard at work with the band to figure out how to play the disc without use of a conventional-sized turntable.

“We’ve discovered that if you hold a big stick-like item, say a shovel or a cane, into the record groove and run along the top while dragging said item, you can get a pretty good sound out of it,” said Lowe. “I mean, let’s face it, their music was pretty unlistenable in the first place, now they’ve got the merch to back it up.”

“It’s understandable that the band’s clientele may not want to put such effort into listening to just one song,” Lowe added. “So I’ve been pushing the band to start selling them as pool covers.”

Failing to sell their new single at shows, Grinch Meat decided to unload the entire run on local thrift stores, squashing several Goodwill donation kiosks under the weight in the process.

If You’re Not Furious About This Issue I Just Learned About 10 Seconds Ago Then We’re Not Best Friends Anymore

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

Did you see that article I sent you 10 seconds ago? The one about that mayor in Colombia who sold the town’s water rights to Coca-Cola? You did? Well since you never said anything about it I just figured that either you didn’t receive it, or you fully support multinational corporations extracting valuable resources from vulnerable populations on behalf of their wealthy governments. And if that’s the case, you can go right ahead and fuck off!

Obviously I don’t mean that. You know I have a tendency to get hot under the collar immediately after learning about literally any new issue, but this issue is especially important to me, okay? Oh, and another thing. If you don’t lose your shit about this right now, we’re done as friends.

Also, I know we were going to the movies today, but I don’t want to see the one you chose. The director of that film sits on the board of a non-profit organization that funds hundreds of causes, including one that sends care packages to soldiers stationed overseas. So I’m not going to support him. You still are? Alright then. I didn’t realize that my best friend loved to benefit from the global imperialist structures that rebranded colonialism as helping the world, but I’ve been fooled before.

We’ve been inseparable since first grade when I was the new kid at school and everyone else made fun of me because I wasn’t from here, but I’ll throw all of that away right now. It’s 2022 and things are different. There’s no hill too small to die on, motherfucker!

You know what? Don’t text me ever again, okay? How’s that? Maybe I’m throwing away a lifelong companionship and an irreplaceable best friend, but so what? At least I have a clean conscience over it. Now get out of my face fascist. You disgust me.

Nation’s Boomer Parents Suggest “Just Picking Up the Phone and Calling” to Get Taylor Swift Tickets

Posted on by Jessica Lillian

UNITED STATES — Aging parents across the country encouraged their children to “just pick up the phone and give Ticketmaster a call” if they want to secure tickets to Taylor Swift’s “Eras” tour, frustrated sources who actually grew up using the internet confirmed.

“Phones are for phoning, not for watching your little videos and sending emails to your friends,” said 60-year-old Carol Clydermann. “My daughter looked at me like I had two heads when I told her to pick up the phone. I have a nice cordless phone that is fully charged, so she shouldn’t worry about it dying if she gets put on hold. I was young once too, and when I saw Wilson Phillips in 1992 I called and got my tickets no problem.”

“Look, there is a number right there on the website, this isn’t rocket science” the elder Clydermann insisted, lowering her reading glasses and emphatically tapping the Yahoo! search results on her iPad.

Adriana Naughton, 29, is one of the many so-called “Swifties” who eventually resorted to fibbing after fielding multiple “really annoying” requests from her father.

“Dad kept saying I should ‘stop crying and just call [Gillette Stadium] directly.’ He told me that one of my uncles used to have Pats season tickets in 2004, so if I used his name, there wouldn’t be any problem,” said Naughton while signing a petition to join a class action lawsuit against Ticketmaster. “The final straw was when he suggested we drive down to Foxboro and go directly to the box office, I couldn’t stand a two-hour car ride with him listening to right-wing talk radio so I finally just told him yes, I left a voicemail with ‘Lucy’ and just pivoted to asking about the turkeys on sale at Costco super fast.”

Family therapist Matthew Silvio, LCSW, explained that in times of extreme stress, parents naturally turn to trusted, familiar solutions to try to help their children.

“In their day, the telephone was an effective way for the Boomer generation to connect and reliably obtain desired items,” said Silvio. “When they perceive a threat to their offspring, such as a natural disaster or a 12-hour error-riddled online ticket queue, phones may be inaccurately viewed as a lifeline. They don’t understand that the world has changed, paper tickets don’t exist, and that the people running Ticketmaster should be dragged out into the street and executed.”

At press time, the nation’s parents had moved on to asking whether anyone had even tried asking the manager at the local Strawberries music store, which shuttered in 2006.

Recording Academy of America Members Admit Turnstile Grammy Nominations Were Desperate Ploy to Save Money on Blink-182 Tickets

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

LOS ANGELES — Leaked emails from high-ranking members of the Recording Academy of America suggest that the three Turnstile Grammy nominations were a subversive attempt to get guestlist spots to next year’s Blink-182 concerts.

“Can you blame us? I looked up tickets for the second Los Angeles show and they were like $900 for nosebleed seats,” said NARAS President Harvey Mason Jr. while shredding piles of documents. “Some people have said we should have just nominated Blink for their new song ‘Edging,’ but come on, nobody would have fallen for that. People actually listen to Turnstile, so it was an easy choice. The music industry is built on scratching each other’s backs anyway. All we need is 75 guest list spots and I can basically guarantee them ‘Best Rock Performance.’ Hell, last year Dream Theater won ‘Best Metal Performance’ because Mike Portnoy said he would give my nephew drum lessons.”

Other nominees for the 2023 Grammy awards started to suspect the Academy wanted favors in return for consideration.

“We were all surprised by the nomination for ‘Best Rock Song,’ then a couple of old men showed up at my house with towels and swim trunks and I started putting things together,” said Red Hot Chili Peppers bassist Flea. “They told me they were with the Academy and wanted to go for a quick dip in my pool. It really caught me off guard because it’s been pretty cold in Los Angeles, but I said yes for the hell of it. They stayed until about 2 a.m. and I think one of them broke a bottle and some of the glass got in the pool. That’s really dangerous so they better give the Chili Peppers this award or I’m sending them a bill.”

Independent watchdog groups that try to limit corruption in the entertainment industry admit they are powerless against quid pro quo deals.

“This has been going on forever, and frankly we’ve given up trying to stop it. The best we can do is cash in on some of the perks,” said Gloria Banks, a chairperson at Alliance for Ethical Accountability. “We kept our mouths shut this year and we got a bunch of vegetables from Brandi Carlisle’s personal garden, and I’m getting three nights for free at an Airbnb in Sweden owned by ABBA’s manager. It’s sad this is the way things have to be, but I don’t really care. I got a 30-second video from Harry Styles saying ‘I rock.’ I can die happy.”

At press time, the Recording Academy of America published a video on their YouTube channel reminding record labels that cash bribes were still the best way to guarantee their artist wins.