Every Slayer Album Ranked

Posted on by Chris Bowen

FUCKIN’ SLAAAAYYYYYEEERRR have been a staple in the metal community since their debut album in 1983. And since then, they have existed as a band through a variety of metal music trends (for better or for worse) and various interesting sound directions (for better or for worse), but if you ask most any Slayer fan, they’ve always just been “FUCKIN’ SLAYER.” However, this is a ranking of their records, and blanketing them with that sentiment wouldn’t be exciting….plus as you’ll see, it’s just wrong.

11. Diabolus In Musica (1998)

First off, I’ll admit that this isn’t a Slayer album that I listen to a whole lot. Well, by that I mean I listened to it once when I was like 7 years old. But as a more mature adult, with more refined taste, I thought, “It can’t possibly be that bad. It has evil satanic Powder on the front, and the Slayer logo is written all cool-like.” Slayer was not only bitten by the Nu-Metal bug when this was written, it laid its eggs inside their brain and what hatched was this. Best to just avoid.

Play it Again: “In The Name of God”
Skip it: Literally every other song

 

10. God Hates Us All (2001)

This album being released on September 11th, 2001 really solidifies the fact two tragedies occurred that day: the 9/11 attacks, and Leftöver Crack releasing their first record…..wait, no, that doesn’t make sense. Make that three tragedies. This album is one of them.

Play it Again: “Disciple”
Skip it: “Deviance,” but only after you get past the intro sound clip with the hilarious stock screams.

 

 

9. Christ Illusion (2006)

Five years after “God Hates Us All,” Slayer is back and as not exciting as ever. I feel like this record was their way of saying, “Alright, no more tripp pants or ‘bugga chugga’ riffs, let’s get back to our thrash roots.” Plus, Dave Lombardo is back behind the kit. It is an okay effort, and much more enjoyable than the previous two on this list, but it still has a little too much of that ’90s-era stink on it.

Play it Again: “Flesh Storm”
Skip it: “Jihad”

 

 

8. Repentless (2015)

This record is more than likely the last Slayer full-length we’ll ever get. Gary Holt replaces Jeff Hannemen (RIP) on guitar and Paul Bostaph returns as the band’s drummer once again. Not the worst record of theirs, but it really isn’t worth carving their band name into your arm over either.

Play it Again: “Repentless”
Skip it: “When the Stillness Comes”

 

 

 

7. World Painted Blood (2009)

This is the last Slayer record to feature Jeff Hanneman (RIP) on Guitar and Dave Lombardo on drums. The most solid of the 2000s era records, it still just barely sets itself apart from the previous two records on this list. Good records, but just sorta one big ball of open “e” strings, bad words and cover artwork that I’ll always forget goes to which albums.

Play it Again: “Hate Worldwide”
Skip it: “Human Strain”

 

 

6. Divine Intervention (1994)

This was the album we saw Slayer sorta veer off in a different direction musically. While not necessarily massively different from “Seasons,” you can tell they were into experimenting with their sound a bit. Some might call it “evolving” or “progressing” their sound, and I suppose you could look at it that way. But Tom uses that weird “megaphone” effect on his vocals everyone was doing at that time on some parts. It’s still a really solid record, regardless.

Play it Again: “Fictional Reality”
Skip it: “Circle of Beliefs”

 

5. South of Heaven (1988)

“Before you see the light…..you must, diiiiiiieeeee.” -Tom Araya

Certainly words to.…umm.…live by? Anyways, “South of Heaven” is a classic Slayer album. Also, to the best of my knowledge, the first Slayer record to feature a Tom “whispering” vocal part that would be a staple of his in the albums to come (for better or for….. well, you know). A bit slowed down, this record showed Slayerites that they can write heavy shit without just playing 10,000 miles an hour. Which coincidentally is the speed limit in hell.

 

Play it Again: “Silent Scream”
Skip it: “Spill the Blood”

4. Hell Awaits (1985)

“Hell Awaits” is the record when Slayer decided to just play all their instruments as fucking fast as they possibly could. And to be quite frank, it turned out really goddamn cool. Kinda boring, but not too much, but also really goddamn good. Plus that cover art is iconic, and cool as fuck.

Play it Again: “At Dawn They Sleep”
Skip it: (This album is best when you listen to it in its entirety, but also “Hardening of the Arteries).

 

 

Honorable Mention: Haunting the Chapel (1984)

This is the EP when Slayer decided to just play their instruments as fucking fast as they possibly could. Now, I’m not allowed to rank comps or EPs on this list, and if I could, this would probably be higher up, but I don’t make the rules nor have the know-how. But I do know “Captor of Sin’ fucking rules.

 

 

 

 

3. Seasons in the Abyss (1990)

“What poser puts ‘Seasons’ in their top three Slayer records,” you say? Well, me, I guess. But it’s a fucking great album. It takes the slow heaviness of what they did on “South of Heaven,” and mixes it with the ferociousness of “Reign in Blood” to make what I think is one of the best metal records of the 1990s, even though it was still basically the ’80s when it was released. Highly underrated and overlooked mostly by posers who still like to call people posers.

Play it Again: Spirit in Black
Skip it: “Expendable Youth”

 

2. Reign in Blood (1986)

“Reign in Blood” is one of, if not the best thrash metal record of all time. From beginning to end, it’s a relentless onslaught of no reverb and iconic riff after iconic riff. That one dude with the really long beard along with Slayer themselves nailed it with this one. There isn’t much else to say here other than if you haven’t heard this then I’m surprised you’re reading this.

Play it Again: “Angel of Death”
Skip it: “Raining Blood,” because every 14-year old wearing a Pantera shirt uses that riff while testing out a Jackson at Guitar Center.

 

1. Show No Mercy (1983)

Slayer’s debut, and their best. Not one other record of theirs compares to the fast, evil, cult heavy metal sound of “Show No Mercy.” It was a game changer for thrash and made Metallica look like Peter, Paul, and Mary in comparison. Each song is memorable, heavy as fuck, and written with pure aggression. Tom’s vocals are by far the best on this album, and so is the overall production. I can honestly say, without hyperbole, that this is the greatest heavy metal album to feature Kerry King on guitar. A total essential.

“Play it Again: “The Antichrist”
Skip it: If you skip any song off this record, when you leave this mortal coil, may you spend all eternity in the kingdom of heaven.

Read more rankings of your favorite bands 

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Woman Experiments With Bondage By Trying on Jeans From High School

Posted on by Dom Turek

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Local woman Tracey Garibay entered the wild world of bondage by trying on a pair of American Apparel skinny jeans she hadn’t worn since her junior year of high school, stunned sources reported.

“You’ll have to excuse my underwear,” said Garibay, sitting on her bed with her pants stuck halfway up her thighs. “I’ve experimented with some light bondage in the past, like when I put my pants on right after they came out of the dryer, but I’ve never done anything this extreme before. I don’t know what got into me. I was sitting alone in my room feeling a little kinky and decided to test the limits of my leg circulation.”

Garibay’s subconscious desire to surrender control was triggered after a long-forgotten pair of size 26 jeans resurfaced while cleaning out her closet.

“I didn’t even know she owned jeans,” recalled Garibay’s boyfriend Andrew Whitaker. “I’ve only seen her wear one-size-fits-all sweatpants or my basketball shorts. Whenever she’s around me, she keeps it very vanilla, I’m talking overalls and t-shirts from promotional giveaways at the gym. I have to admit seeing her helplessly wriggling around on the floor begging me to pull on one of her pant legs got me pretty hard. I’m hoping she might also want to try on that Warped Tour 2008 tank top I saw in the back of her closet.”

BDSM is not risk-proof. It’s important for beginners to tread lightly, whether you’re working with spreader bars, crotch knots, or trying to get out of a dress you haven’t worn since 2012 without dislocating your shoulder.

“She already broke rule number one by engaging in self-bondage,” said Madame Felicia Evil, dungeon monitor at an undisclosed location. “It’s important to have a Dom standing by so you can administer safe words like ‘hazelnut,’ ‘pineapple’ or ‘Oh my god my legs are turning purple, call an ambulance and tell them to bring scissors.’ I once walked in on a girl bound so tightly by a pair of vintage Guess jeans that it made a shibari hogtie look like a spa treatment.”

At press time, Garibay was heard screaming “pineapple” midway through trying on a pair of raw selvedge jeans she hadn’t worn since college.

I Don’t Regret My ’90s Barcode Tattoo Because It’s the Manager’s Override At CVS

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

Not many people still appreciate the tattoo they got at a friend’s kitchen table during a house party. My friend Itchy Phil brought a machine he ordered on eBay, and I had Jose Cuervo for the first time. Teenage impulsiveness, tequila, and a love of Neal Stephenson’s book lead me to get a barcode on my wrist. Somehow, with no training, experience, or reference materials, Itchy managed a perfect rendering of the CVS manager code completely by accident. It seemed like divine intervention running through his filthy hands.

That summer, I ended up working at the photo counter at CVS and one shift my friend Brown scanned it just to see what would happen. Shockingly, the manager’s menu popped up on the register screen. Now we could open the till with no-sales, override age restrictions, and apply discounts, basically, every simple thing a cashier isn’t allowed to do, without paging a manager.

At first, we just used it to shut up shitty customers whining about expired coupons, give some ExtraBucks Rewards to nice customers, and employee discounts to customers who looked like they needed it. And we got away with it! I wasn’t stupid enough to outright steal cash from the drawer and it didn’t work for the actual pharmaceuticals, but I did start getting bolder. When my friends came in for cigarettes, beer, or cloves I would card them in the sense that I asked for a “card,” but when it came time to enter a birth date in a wild coincidence, everyone was a bicentennial baby born on July 4, 1976. I did pretty well charging five bucks a transaction.

CVS was closing its photo centers by the time I went off to art school, but I still used the barcode as an underage customer. My schtick was to look for the friendliest cashier at the busiest time and chat them up. After scanning the alcohol, I’d do the, “You know what I’ve always wondered if my tattoo would scan, would you mind?” and I made their day and no one cares about age anymore. This wasn’t as lucrative in the art school dorms, but I did okay as the sugary wine and Robitussin connection.

It just got too complicated and I lived closer to a Rite-Aid until they brought in self-checkout and CVS became my grocery store, liquor store, toy store, and electronics store, all with a 20% discount! I was living in a rough neighborhood at the time, but I managed to make peace with my tweaker neighbors by keeping them stocked with Sudafed since I could easily override the five-box limit.

CVS has since installed cameras on the registers, so I’ve slowed down, plus I’m mostly buying baby formula and diapers there now.

I look back on that fateful night when my friends got alien heads and tribal bands inked into their skin and I know I made the right choice.

10 Signs Your Bass Player Is Living in the Practice Space

Posted on by Dave McNamara

The amps are getting turned off and everyone is talking about trying to do something with that last riff. You’re about to hit the lights when your bass player says they’re going to stay behind and practice some scales. The only scales they’ve ever brought to practice were from their untreated psoriasis. Something seems weird, but you don’t know how to ask. Just look for these tell-tale signs to see if your bass player now resides on that patch of filthy carpet between the drum kit and bass cab.

Parents have moved to Florida

Mr. and Mrs. Jabowski have packed up for Boca Raton, and you know the new owners of 218 Maple Lane aren’t allowing any part-time barback whose only winter jacket is a 12-year-old High on Fire hoodie rent out their basement.

Blanket from Kick Drum Used to Make Fort

This is a dead giveaway as your bass player probably believes this shelter will protect them from ghosts and/or ghoulies while they sleep.

Empty Happy Meal Containers

The trash can might start overflowing with these containers. You may also find small toys and figurines from the Happy Meals set up in band-like formations. This is where your bass player will live out their fantasies of being a respected member of the band.

Urine Bottles Along Wall

They might ask to save all the beer bottles after practice for “recycling.” You might find them filled with piss and gathered against the wall behind the bass cab.

Doodles of Animals and Swords

Some of the animals might have huge boobs and/or cocks as well.

Other Bass Players Seen Leaving

“Bassists,” as they prefer to be called, tend to form social colonies, so don’t be surprised to see several chin-scruffed and beanie-sporting miscreants scurry away as you approach for practice.

Strong Smell of Dirty Jeans and Cheetos

It’s like the legal definition of pornography – this smell you can’t quite define but you’ll know it when you smell it.

Keeps Suggesting More Comfortable Soundproofing

The thin moving blankets will stop being adequate. They might start suggesting egg crate foam, or insisting that 1,000 thread count comforters from Bed Bath & Beyond are much better and muffling sound.

Has Names for Practice Space Rats

If he starts mentioning that he was hanging out with Gus and Louie last night – scrounging, gnawing, and collapsing their rib cages to fit through tiny holes in the drywall – understand that these new friends aren’t human.

All Their New Songs Are About Hot Showers and Microwaves

You never thought a song about the pizza button preset would bring you to tears, but here we are.

Robert Smith Announces Your High School Girlfriend is Breaking Up With You Again Ahead of The Cure’s 2023 North America Tour

Posted on by Al Howard

DETROIT – Robert Smith, founder and only original member of The Cure, announced dates for an upcoming North American Tour that will also coincide with your one true love in high school breaking your heart once again, multiple sources confirmed.

“The Cure has been the soundtrack to break ups for over four decades and I want to make sure everyone experiences that universal ‘nobody will ever love me again’ feeling that only our music can provide,” said Smith while smearing red lipstick on a photo of Ticketmaster CEO Michael Rapino. “We partnered with your high school sweetheart to deliver an agonizing experience that will remind you of that summer just after graduation, when you thought you were on top of the world, then it all came crashing down and all you had was ‘Disintegration’ to get you through it.”

Your high school ex-girlfriend Dr. Taylor White, 37, shared her side of the story.

“I am sorry that I got into Northwestern and you didn’t even get into your safety school,” White stated in the same patronizing tone she used to rip your heart into little pieces nearly two decades prior. “I know that I’m now a Professor of Astrophysics and happily-married mother of three, and we haven’t seen each other since that one weird weekend in 2006, but I want you to know this: it made sense then and it still makes sense now that we go our separate ways. I hope you enjoy your little cry baby concert or whatever.”

Ticketmaster Representative Claire Owen released a statement in response to Smith’s unorthodox technique.

“We here at Ticketmaster go to great lengths to follow the wishes of performers, even if they want to torture their fans emotionally,” Owen said. “Ticketmaster also works relentlessly to deliver fans the best possible experience a 90% surcharge fee can buy. We are always receptive to feedback, and agree the agony Robert Smith wishes to inflict on his audiences is something that we as a company can proudly stand behind and are happy to accommodate here.”

At press time, your father commented that he doesn’t understand why you “won’t stop listening to that depressing bullshit,” and wants you to “cheer up and go outside.”

Every Ghost Album Ranked

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

Look–I know Ghost is bad. They make pretty bog-standard hard rock, performed by cosplay Satanists, with lyrics that only the edgiest of teenagers find subversive. I know all this. But god damn, can’t a girl have a little fun with some softcore metal and sing about human sacrifice like the good old days now and then? This shit is fun. It’s stupid, silly, overproduced, and an unbelievably fucking good time to listen to.

With that being said, Ghost fans are good for hate clicks, so here’s the official ranking of every Ghost album by someone who is into them against her better judgment.

Housekeeping note, I’ll be doing the deluxe editions of “Meliora” and “Infestissumam,” as those contain the “Popestar” and “If You Have Ghost” EPs.

Honorable Mention: Seven Inches of Satanic Panic (2019)

It would be remiss of me not to give a nod to the 2019 single that launched Ghost into the hearts of young people on TikTok everywhere. The A-Side of “Mary on a Cross,” a decidedly ’60s sounding double-entendre-fest, is their most-played song on Spotify, and you can tell why. Shit’s catchy and very accessible to fans who may be turned off by their songs that lean closer to metal than standard rock.

 

 

 

5. Infestissumam (2013)

“Infesstissumam” has the unfortunate honor of winning the “Ghost Album with the Most Tracks that Sound Like an Evil Carnival” award. This album is pretty long as it contains an EP in the deluxe version, and although it has one of their most viral hits with “Year Zero,” the rest falls pretty damn flat into a mess of samey-sounding spooky-scary, without the sick riffs to back it up.

Play it again: “Year Zero”
Skip it: “Idolatrine”

 

 

4. Opus Eponymous (2010)

Ghost’s debut album “Opus Eponymous” is a pretty great album overall. It’s quick, consistent, and brought them roaring into the spotlight when “Ritual” started getting banned from the radio in the southern US, which is strange. Usually people in the south are so tolerant and open to new ideas. Despite all that, some folks find this album to be lacking in production quality, and the songwriting is not quite as elaborate as later albums, which leads to many tracks blending together.

Play it again: “Ritual”
Skip it: “Death Knell”

3. Impera (2022)

On the other end of the spectrum entirely, we have Ghost’s 2022 chart crusher.  It’s tough to deny that “Impera” is a bit over the top. It’s got a certain Black Parade quality to it that hits the nostalgic theater kid button, but at the end of the day, it’s a very large and dramatic album that sometimes leans towards the aforementioned overproduction. However, there are really some bonafide ’80s hair metal bangers on there, which balance out the insane Danny Elfman Haunted Hayride energy that a few of the lesser tracks bring.

 

Play it again: “Spillways”
Skip it: “Twenties”

2. Prequelle (2018)

“Prequelle” is probably Ghost’s most straightforward album. It’s big, it’s loud, it has some kooky instrumentation, and yet, there are very few weak spots that come to mind. The combination of fuzzy hard rock riffs, stacked vocal harmonies, and hooks so catchy they were probably made in a K-Pop lab works to make this album solid as a rock and extremely fun to sing along to in the car when your cooler friends aren’t around.

Play it again: “Rats,” “Faith”
Skip it: “Helvetesfonster”

 

1. Meliora

Man, this shit goes hard. You’ve got your retro ’70s hard rock fist-pumpers, your fake gospel ballads, some Scooby-Doo sounding shit, actual genuine metal, and of course, “Square Hammer.” There’s something for everyone on this record. “Meliora” has multiple songs with over 100 million plays on Spotify, and honestly, it deserves that honor. This is an endlessly replayable album, buffed up by the inclusion of the “Popestar” EP, that really reminds me of finding music like this as a teen and clinging to the CD for dear life. It fucking rips.

Play it again: “Square Hammer,” “Cirice,” “From the Pinnacle to the Pit”
Skip it: “I Believe”

Read more rankings of your favorite bands 

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10 Flaming Lips Songs That Will Absolutely Ruin Your Mushroom Trip

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Over the span of the last four decades, The Flaming Lips have more than perfected the ‘music to take drugs to’ genre. That doesn’t mean that every one of their songs comes with a guarantee to rip your face off, though. So when your friend Greg acquires a shitload of shrooms, books a weekend at a cabin for you and your friends, and it comes time to fire up your Bluetooth speaker; stay far far away from the following tracks.

“Guy Who Got A Headache and Accidentally Saves the World”

Chances are, something to the effect of this song’s title is going to wind up in your phone’s notes app under the header “MILLION DOLLAR MOVIE IDEA” right around peak time. Your friends will be so pumped about this that they’ll develop a fourteen-character cast and several subplots. The undertones will be heavy as fuck and will make you think about, like, the whole ‘thing’ of existence, man. Greg’s even going to start making a poster for it before getting distracted and slowly rubbing paint all over everyone’s faces. Why spoil the fun with a lengthy and frank discussion about intellectual property rights? Best to skip this one so you can linger in the illusion of your own brilliance a little longer.

“The Yeah Yeah Yeah Song”

No doubt this one is fun, but it’s basically just a list of all the inane “what if?” questions that will likely spring up around 4 a.m. anyway. Some of these inquiries have the potential to greatly sour the evening. Imagine finding out early in the night that one of your friends would definitely make everybody poor so they could be rich. That’s certainly enough to make any trip a volatile and troubling experience, so try your best not to actively encourage it with this track.

“Do You Realize??”

Most people on a good trip would love to be told they have the “most beautiful face.” It’s an incredible compliment and never fails to heighten a great buzz. Very few, however, like to be reminded that all of their friends and family will eventually perish, leaving them alone in a cruel and unforgiving world. While we understand this song is ultimately about radiating love in spite of this grim fact, we guarantee you and your party will be far too spiraled out to acknowledge the sentiment once it arrives.

“The Spiderbite Song”

Under no circumstances should you ever mention spiders, let alone their bites, at a function like this. Unless, of course, you plan on spending your entire evening being startled as fuck by anything that brushes up against you. This song not only makes that fatal error within the literal first verse while escalating it to the point of a fucking heart attack, but it also mentions a car crash and a devastating breakup. While frontman, Wayne Coyne, is glad these things didn’t destroy their subjects, you may not fare so well even if you just microdosed.

“U.F.O Story”

A monologue track from Wayne is usually a treat, but in the context of getting absolutely zooted, it can be a total fucking nightmare. This one details a time in which Coyne and a few friends spotted a formation of U.F.Os. It is highly unlikely you’ll get through the first ten seconds without one or more of your buds attempting to either interrupt or converse with Wayne as if he were actually in the room. The resulting sensory overload will lay waste to your entire night and possibly up to five of your closest friendships.

“Mother I’ve Taken LSD”

The last thing you want to think about after taking mushrooms is the possibility of having accidentally taken LSD instead. It’s a sick vibe, for sure, but not the one anyone at the cabin is hoping to achieve this weekend. Furthermore, the last last LAST thing you want to think about after taking mushrooms is your mother… or the overbearing sadness that smothers the entire world. Hell, we’re sober at the time of this writing and still not in the best place after revisiting this one.

“Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots, Pt. 2”

We’re not sure how to adequately describe this song in print, but you’ll probably think it tastes like the color red. An angry red. When the first snare roll comes in, you and your friends will be forgiven for thinking the floor under your collective feet has been slowly turning into jagged glass. The screams that immediately follow the drum break will have you all wanting to run to the windows to see what’s happening until you suddenly remember… the floor is glass now. Eventually you’ll reach to skip the song only to find that your phone is somehow right next to you, but also four crystalized football fields away. In other words; play “Pt. 1” instead.

“She Don’t Use Jelly”

Mushrooms do a number on your sensory perception. Usually to strong and dazzling effects. Because of this, it’s best not to introduce imagery of Vaseline being used in lieu of jelly on toast. Nothing is going to taste right come snack time. Also, tangerines will not work as hair dye no matter how great of an idea your faded ass thinks it is. Heed our advice and don’t wake up all sticky.

“The Terror”

“The Terror” is a nine-movement-long hellscape meant to be perceived as one singular song. It was written as a means for Coyne to cope through a simultaneous divorce and mid-life crisis. If that isn’t enough to turn you away, fine. Just note that this dissonant, arrhythmic, 55-minute-long nightmare of a track should only be listened to if you’re attempting to turn the walls into bees, your cells into tiny needles, and your friends into enemies. This is without mentioning what the inside of your brain will become when all is said and done.

“Sleeping On The Roof”

Everyone loves to stargaze when the effects of psilocybin kick in and start making their visual fields of perception all wiggly and shit. Still, zoning out at a considerable height with little to no guardrails is highly inadvisable. Let’s not forget the time when Greg made the unfortunate choice to pass out in a similar fashion at your last cabin trip. You spent the whole next day at the hospital with him. Nothing wrong with being a good friend, but talk about a buzzkill.

Man Rolls Own Cigarettes In Order to Save Money and Look Like Complete Asshole

Posted on by John Danek

SANTA CRUZ, Calif. — Insufferable penny-pinching hipster Paul Sandor recently began the  cost-cutting and dickhead-looking practice of rolling his own cigarettes, annoyed friends report.

“Not only is rolling your own so much cheaper, but it’s actually way healthier than commercially produced cigarettes. I honestly think you could give these fuckers to kids,” said Sandor, whose 2-week tenure as the primary mod on the r/RYO subreddit was marked with strife and dissension. “I just get a real rush from rolling my own smokes. I do it everywhere from dentist waiting rooms to tables at restaurants or funerals. And just this week, I perfected maintaining eye contact with someone while licking the paper during a backroll. It puts out a very fertile vibe.”

Friends of Sandor have expressed the desire to distance themselves from him until this fad passes.

“He always had some shitty DIY project going, but those failed hobbies didn’t leave him looking quite as much like a fuckwad as rolling his own does,” observed longtime friend Emily Yari, who saved even more money by quitting smoking entirely. “First, it was homemade limoncello which was gross and gave me an ulcer. Then he was building guitar distortion pedals, which barely worked. But those were much less embarrassing than having his tongue out licking paper or haphazardly pouring loose-leaf tobacco everywhere. Why am I friends with him, or anyone for that matter? Hell is other people, indeed.”

The Truth Campaign, a non-profit organization dedicated to spreading awareness of the harm of tobacco usage, cautions smokers against the idea that hand-rolled cigarettes are healthier.

“I don’t know how much more gore and horrors you little shits need to see to stop smoking,” gasped an exhausted Rick Cartwright, longtime head of creative for Truth. “We basically ran ‘Faces of Death’ skits in commercial form for years, yet I still see people lighting up. Do you need to see another person exhaling smoke from their throat stomas to stop? No? Then what? Someone please fucking tell me. I have no friends, family, or hobbies other than this quest.”

Sources close to Sandor announced plans to cut off all contact entirely upon rumors that he was recently seen Googling “tobacco plant seeds.”



Here’s How Many Spikes You’ll Need for Full Hug Immunity

Posted on by Dan Rice

I’ve been sober for 14 years, and without anonymous support groups, I never would have made it this far. It’s important to have a place you can go where you can talk about your problems with people who get it and support you. Unfortunately, some of the people in my group confuse support with hugging.

I don’t like to be hugged.

Apparently, a 10 minute story about resisting the urge to drink after breaking my asshole brother-in-law’s collarbone says “Please touch me” to these people.

Luckily I’ve been able to avoid near brushes with human contact through a method I call “porcupining.” It’s sort of like “peacocking” but instead of doing it for attention, you do it so that standing within 5 feet of you is a hazard. Hug on that, motherfucker.

Here’s how to fashionably and tactically spike yourself to let even the most tenacious potential hugger know “here be pain.”

Hair: 3-30, any size
This one is more psychological than practical, so go with however many liberty spikes feel right.

Chest: 20-40 studs, medium length
I experimented with just one big impaling spike at the center of my chest, but it proved to be kind of a hassle day today, and they wouldn’t let me on the bus. Instead, opt for smaller spikes with a wide coverage area, basically the entire lapel section of your jacket.

Shoulder: 1 large each
This one is equal parts psychological and practical. On a mental level, it creates fear by evoking the most sinister character in all of Western literature, The Shredder from TMNT. In reality, it provides side-huggers an excellent opportunity to fuck around and find out.

Arms: 3 small-medium strips each
Speaking of side-huggers, a lot of them are short. Maybe too short to be impaled on your shoulder spikes. Better play it safe with full coverage, bicep to wrist.

Back: 4-6 large
No mercy here. Back huggers, aka sneak attack huggers, deserve what they get.

Death Cab for Cutie and 11 Other Bands Names You Just Love To Explain the Meanings Behind, You Smug Prick

Posted on by Tim Graham

I know people like you. Yeah, I’ve got you pegged. Let me guess: A large portion of your self-esteem is built upon lording your knowledge of rock esoterica over others. I bet this is you at a party when a Death Cab for Cutie song comes on: “Hey man, did you know Death Cab got their name from a 1967 song by the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band?” You probably keep that and the following examples at the ready, just so you can whip them out at a BBQ or on a first date.