I’ve been sober for 14 years, and without anonymous support groups, I never would have made it this far. It’s important to have a place you can go where you can talk about your problems with people who get it and support you. Unfortunately, some of the people in my group confuse support with hugging.
I don’t like to be hugged.
Apparently, a 10 minute story about resisting the urge to drink after breaking my asshole brother-in-law’s collarbone says “Please touch me” to these people.
Luckily I’ve been able to avoid near brushes with human contact through a method I call “porcupining.” It’s sort of like “peacocking” but instead of doing it for attention, you do it so that standing within 5 feet of you is a hazard. Hug on that, motherfucker.
Here’s how to fashionably and tactically spike yourself to let even the most tenacious potential hugger know “here be pain.”
Hair: 3-30, any size
This one is more psychological than practical, so go with however many liberty spikes feel right.
Chest: 20-40 studs, medium length
I experimented with just one big impaling spike at the center of my chest, but it proved to be kind of a hassle day today, and they wouldn’t let me on the bus. Instead, opt for smaller spikes with a wide coverage area, basically the entire lapel section of your jacket.
Shoulder: 1 large each
This one is equal parts psychological and practical. On a mental level, it creates fear by evoking the most sinister character in all of Western literature, The Shredder from TMNT. In reality, it provides side-huggers an excellent opportunity to fuck around and find out.
Arms: 3 small-medium strips each
Speaking of side-huggers, a lot of them are short. Maybe too short to be impaled on your shoulder spikes. Better play it safe with full coverage, bicep to wrist.
Back: 4-6 large
No mercy here. Back huggers, aka sneak attack huggers, deserve what they get.