DUBLIN — A local moron obviously blind to his own idiocy stood around last night with a brand-new Gildan shirt wadded up in his clammy fist while waiting for headliners Righteous Fury to take the stage, appalled and disgusted sources confirm.
“I was trying to score a free bump of coke in the bathroom when I heard someone yelling that they wanted to buy a shirt. I thought to myself, ‘It’s 8:15 — what sort of idiot is buying a shirt now?’” complained Righteous Fury merch guy Kevin Hunt. “I’m personally offended by anyone who’d expect me to do any work at this hour… or at all, for that matter. Whatever happened to waiting 20 minutes at the end of the show, just to be told we’re out of mediums?”
Ultimately, Hunt sold him the shirt, and fellow attendees noted several sightings of the man standing around like a total fucking tool throughout the night.
“I caught him out of the corner of my eye, holding that shirt like a soccer player holds the flag after they win the World Cup… and I just felt so bad for him,” said witness Steven Bradley. “He looked pretty green — I’d say it was maybe his second show.”
“Should I have given him some advice?” Bradley asked rhetorically. “Nah, there are some things in this life you gotta learn on your own — like when to buy a shirt, or how to get someone else’s urine for a piss test.”
Unfortunately, venue staff also fell victim to the walking-garbage anonymous concert goer.
“This fuckin’ guy came up to the bar… and he was sweating a lot. I mean, like, a lot,” said bartender Michael Brennan. “I thought he was on something until I saw just how little fun he was having. It took me a minute to realize… he was wearing two shirts. Man, who does that? It’s nearly 100 degrees in here. I wouldn’t be wearing pants if I hadn’t already been written up twice.”
At press time, the man was seen in the venue parking lot, drinking a carton of milk that concerned witnesses believed he’d brought from home.