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Robert Smith Announces Your High School Girlfriend is Breaking Up With You Again Ahead of The Cure’s 2023 North America Tour

DETROIT – Robert Smith, founder and only original member of The Cure, announced dates for an upcoming North American Tour that will also coincide with your one true love in high school breaking your heart once again, multiple sources confirmed.

“The Cure has been the soundtrack to break ups for over four decades and I want to make sure everyone experiences that universal ‘nobody will ever love me again’ feeling that only our music can provide,” said Smith while smearing red lipstick on a photo of Ticketmaster CEO Michael Rapino. “We partnered with your high school sweetheart to deliver an agonizing experience that will remind you of that summer just after graduation, when you thought you were on top of the world, then it all came crashing down and all you had was ‘Disintegration’ to get you through it.”

Your high school ex-girlfriend Dr. Taylor White, 37, shared her side of the story.

“I am sorry that I got into Northwestern and you didn’t even get into your safety school,” White stated in the same patronizing tone she used to rip your heart into little pieces nearly two decades prior. “I know that I’m now a Professor of Astrophysics and happily-married mother of three, and we haven’t seen each other since that one weird weekend in 2006, but I want you to know this: it made sense then and it still makes sense now that we go our separate ways. I hope you enjoy your little cry baby concert or whatever.”

Ticketmaster Representative Claire Owen released a statement in response to Smith’s unorthodox technique.

“We here at Ticketmaster go to great lengths to follow the wishes of performers, even if they want to torture their fans emotionally,” Owen said. “Ticketmaster also works relentlessly to deliver fans the best possible experience a 90% surcharge fee can buy. We are always receptive to feedback, and agree the agony Robert Smith wishes to inflict on his audiences is something that we as a company can proudly stand behind and are happy to accommodate here.”

At press time, your father commented that he doesn’t understand why you “won’t stop listening to that depressing bullshit,” and wants you to “cheer up and go outside.”