BELLINGHAM, Wash – Former punk Langley West admits he still gets twitchy when cops are around despite having not broken the law in nearly 30 years, according to sources who are total fuckin’ narcs.
“Old habits die hard I suppose,” relayed West while brushing up on local by-laws. “I used to sell laptops out of my trunk that I stole from Best Buy and anytime a cop rolled by I assumed it was over for me. Well, that never went away for me. I’ve obeyed every letter of the law for decades now, hell my oldest daughter is a judge, but I still tremble uncontrollably any time an authority figure is around, and not just police either. Security guards, crossing guards, shift supervisors, all of them shake me to my very core. Sometimes I go out of my way just to prove to them that I’m a normal, law-abiding citizen acting in line with society’s rules and conventions.”
Langley’s daughter Veronica West knows all about it.
“He’s so fucking embarrassing,” said Veronica while seeing how many judge’s robes she could put on at the same time. “Everyone has to like him or he’ll lose his shit. When he walks into a store with a soda he makes sure that he has the receipt in hand, just in case they think he stole it; even if they don’t sell soda. And last week he wouldn’t even drive the speed limit on Main Street because he had seen a cop there the day before. It’s no wonder he didn’t cut it in the punk scene because, frankly, he’s too soft for it.”
Local police officer Bran Chorney says West has every right to be worried.
“Accusing middle-aged men of teenage chicanery is one of my favorite pastimes,” said Chorney while weighing if stopping a crime in progress was worth the paperwork or not. “Just to mess with them, you know? Like that businessman I accused of having spray paint in his briefcase, or the grandpa I strip-searched looking for stolen Pokemon cards. I knew he was clean, but you should have seen the look on his face as he thought he was going to jail for the rest of his life. Me and his family shared a hearty laugh over that one!”
At press time, Langley West was seen jotting down alibis for every day of his life, just in case.
Since it’s one of the few places open on Thanksgiving, you might wind up grabbing some Starbucks on your way. Finish that shit in the car and ditch the cup in the neighbor’s trash. You don’t want to start things off by being lectured by a boomer about a cup, it’s just downhill from there.
Honestly, Thanksgiving or not, if we need to tell you to not bring up sports with your family unless you’re trying to throw down, congratulations, you live in a Hallmark movie. Even if your family all supports the same team (which never happens, there’s always one Cowboys fan,) there are draft decisions, management, coaches, and a plethora of other things for you all to get at each other’s throats about.
After “Hello” and a few quick passive-aggressive thinly veiled criticisms about your looks and/or how often you call, you’ll likely be asked how you’ve been—the first trap. Remember to V.E.N.T—Volunteer Entirely Nothing Tactfully.
Remember, no politics. In some circles even admitting you’ve had it, and that it therefore exists, makes you a globalist shill.
You might think this is a safe, fun, topical conversation prompt, but the speed at which your uncle can connect the dots between Unidentified Flying Objects and deep-state Democrats eating babies is blinding.
Keep it to “Everything is delicious” and change the subject immediately. You’re there to maintain the pretense that you all love each other, but some asshole always wants to use Thanksgiving as a chance to channel their inner Gordon Ramsey. “The Turkey is too dry, I prefer the the stuffing last year with the sausage in it, Aunt Judy did nothing with her library science degree.” Not sure how it gets there, but it does.
It could be the most apolitical thing in the world but if it’s been on the news someone in your family has a deeply upsetting polarizing take locked in the chamber.
If you’re asked how work is going any answer besides “Great!” is a one-way ticket to unsolicited advice town. Remember you’re not here to do a bunch of truth-telling and connecting, you’re here to keep appearances and keep your familial guilt down to manageable levels. One gripe to anyone of a certain generation and you’ll be getting an earful about pounding pavement, dressing better, and calling to follow up.
Another unsolicited advice minefield. Did you know that veganism is part of the globalist gay agenda? Or that keto supercharges the brain? Or that intermittent fasting can change your life, and it has nothing to do with the manic episode your aunt is having? Whatever your personal diet is, keep it to yourself as much as you can.
Hell no. Are you insane?
Whether it’s your craft beer snob cousin or your uncle who’s still not over Bud Lite going “woke,” beer is a surefire ticket to a conversation you want nothing to do with.
It’s impossible to explain to anyone over the age of 50 why an entire generation isn’t buying houses because of economic change and not “laziness” without one or both parties at least seriously considering drawing a knife.
Fucking boring to begin with, but modern technology and culture have made car talk a hotbed for arguing. We have seen grown adults resort to calling each other slurs over which app they used to get to a place they both arrived at within the same 10-minute window. There’s probably someone at your dinner table who thinks the Cybertruck is pretty cool, and by extension, Elon Musk, and that’s a whole thing. It can inspire debate about the American auto industry, which will lead to everyone sounding off about what they think is “Really wrong with this country” and, you know, game over.
Ever told a significant other to calm down when they need to take a breath and calm down? Didn’t really work out for you, did it? So why would it work for an entire family? If you notice tensions getting high just go to the bathroom and ride it out with some Wordle or something.
Thanksgiving isn’t all about bickering. It’s also full of moments where no one quite knows what to say or what to do. These can be awkward and uncomfortable, but trust us, it’s better than the alternative, so don’t address it.
1995 was a bipolar year for Rocket from the Crypt with this middling record and the incredible “Scream, Dracula, Scream!” being released just one short year after the year punk broke into the mainstream. Unfortunately “Hot Charity” was an experiment gone meh, and we here firmly agree guilt-free with ourselves that it should’ve never been released to anyone but a dude at a carnival correctly guessing a morbidly obese stranger’s weight to the pound. If the bird could fly, and then heard this LP, he/she/it would likely lose its wings, fall to the earth, get eaten by a snake that is likely hot, and cause robots to inhabit the earth whilst bleeding.
Easily the band’s best album cover, and we’re not taking any more questions on the shirtless matter, Rocket from the Crypt introduced itself to various listeners in audio form with their first LP “Paint as a Fragrance,” which is their only recording with their original lineup. RFTC made a good but not great album with this one but thankfully it set the stage for six others that, with the exception of the aforementioned “Hot Charity,” were fun, fulfilling, fantastic, and another positive adjective beginning with the letter “F.” Some of the tales are sloppy, but hey, that’s just rock and roll, and the band seemingly was more concerned with attitude than accuracy, so who could fault ‘em for that? Don’t answer that.
Rocket from the Crypt’s seventh and final album as of now was sort of doomed from the start because of its literal album title, which likely decreased its potential sales by a large margin as it wasn’t a concert performance CD, and live recordings not named “Live At Leeds” just don’t sell as well as full-length studio album efforts. We don’t make the rules, but maybe we should! Because it was not given a fair shake, we firmly believe that “Live from Camp X-Ray,” a radiation nurse’s wet dream soaked under a heavy blanket, is the band’s second most underrated effort, next to their sort of self-titled fifth LP. Sadly, the band split just three years after this LP came out, but happily they’re back!
A cult favorite amongst Rocket from the Crypt super fans, “Group Sounds” is the band’s first LP after leaving major label Interscope Records, and their first of two for Vagrant Records, then home to Alkaline Trio and Joey Lawrence’s powerviolence project. The band proved said reverential status with a wicked amount of cred by playing this album in its entirety with a healthy amount of savoir faire at 2022’s Riot Fest in Chicago for fans and eventual new ones, but of course without eating hot dogs with ketchup on ‘em because that ish is illegal in The Windy City for some reason like it is for Father’s Office in LA on ANYTHING; elitism is a hell of a drug for white and black belts alike.
This record truly, truly rips for both sturdy wrists and weak testicles alike, and is easily the band’s first truly solid effort front to back. We’ve never seen lambs for sale, just in shawarma form, so it’s good to know that Rocket from the Crypt always has farm animals in mind, just sans dicks on dogs a la the upcoming almost self-titled studio album. FYI: If you want to open your mouth larger than you possibly can in a WTF manner, google “LA riots” and “rocket from the crypt”; the tea here is over the rails.
We’ve got our eyes on you: Easily their coolest album cover, Rocket from the Crypt’s fifth studio album “RFTC” is by far their most underrated, and if we’re being honest, which we always are unless we’re not, is one of the more underappreciated LPs of the late-90s. Baby, this section hasn’t even started: Let’s get busy revisiting this record which was made for you, your touch, the Roman Empire, and Roman Roy, despite the fact that he is an evil, trust fund miscreant who was rude to that little boy on the baseball field that they helicoptered to with their evil more cruel father and an intense and evil panic scam, Logan “I Never Smile Unless A Homeless Person Is Cold” Roy. Also, Tom Wambsgans, deserves constant constipation but we digress. At just under forty-two minutes “RFTC” never lets up, and that’s exactly how we like it.
1995 is an underrated year for rock and roll for your colon with the release of this record, “Scream, Dracula, Scream!,” Radiohead’s “The Bends,” The Presidents of the United States of America not named Joe Biden OR Donald Trump, and Raekwon of En Vogue’s “Only Built 4 Cuban Linx…”. The instrumentals on “On A Rope,” the band’s biggest hit by far, especially in the UK, that also proved that America is filled with dumbos for its lackluster performance here, are enough to make ANYONE dance and/or turn the volume up louder than anyone with heater hands can muster. Last fun fact that truly is such: This record was meant to be one track like The Who’s 1991 masterpiece “Abbey Road,” but like they always do because they are essentially in music because they are too dumb to be investment bankers, the label heads in suit city kiboshed that one.
Okay look, we watched every episode this dude is in, and we have no idea who he is, okay?
The OG Doctor wasn’t much one for punk or anything really. It seems like Time Lords have a weird Benjamin Button thing going on where they start out as cantankerous oldsters and grow younger and more hip as they age.
Nardole’s whole role was actively shaming the Doctor for traveling anywhere, constantly reminding him of his obligations on 21st-century Earth, but he particularly hated the 12th Doctor’s frequent trips to CBGB. He’s not big of loud noises, shoving, or anything remotely fun.
Donna is way too posh for the early punk scene, she wouldn’t be caught dead anywhere near the Bowery.
CBGB was no place for the religiously devout. Everyone knows that. Just thinking about some of the things members of the Ramones were doing in the bathroom at CBGB is enough to send you to hell.
Ian is a straight-up coward, and the only time he even saw a punk he handed his wallet over without being told to do so.
Narc.
The Doctor can be pretty aloof, but he knew well enough that his stuffy aristocratic companion would not feel at home in the Bowery.
We know what you’re thinking, “How could Liz Shaw have traveled to the future and gone to CBGB when she was the companion of the third Doctor after the Time Lords forced him to regenerate and crippled his TARDIS rendering it incapable of leaving Earth or traveling through time?” Well, guess what NERD… you are absolutely correct, she never went there, have a pleasant day.
One of the Doctor’s few Galifreyan companions, Susan just wasn’t much of a music person. She thrived more with complaining and just sort of being there.
He made a big splash on the New York punk scene at first but quickly disappeared due to licensing issues with FOX.
The punks scared her more than the Daleks.
This was the Doctor in his most “foppish dandy meets someone’s dad” “-like incarnation. He materialized the TARDIS once in the middle of a Ramones set, stuck his head out, shook it disapprovingly, and never went back. More of a Beatles guy.
She never went to CBGB, instead using her TARDIS privileges and strong influence over the Doctor to see the entire Taylor Swift “Eras” tour twice.
He was just too arrogant for the scene. He kept saying things like “I don’t get it, they aren’t even playing the instruments with competency!” and then rushing the stage, grabbing a guitar, and shredding some technically proficient Jimmy Page-type solos. Read the room Adric, not gonna fly.
Or maybe she should be higher, it’s hard to say. Dodo only visited CBGB in the TARDIS once, and it was the last time anyone saw her.
The first, and to date the last flute player for Dead Boys, but his tenure in the band was extremely short.
The Doctor took Stewart to CBGB once and he immediately called for reinforcements.
Ben was a British Navy man born in the ’40’s and took to the infant punk scene about as well as you would expect.
Never went to CBGB but, fun fact was a founding member of Daft Punk.
He didn’t not like punk, but the 11th Doctor liked way too many things to commit to any one thing for very long. He put in a few appearances at CBGB but spent just as much time with Elvis, The Rat Pack, The Beatles, The Temptations, he kinda treated pop culture like a bingo card he was trying to fill.
She was one of the first human beings to witness the regeneration of a Time Lord and one of the few people to have seen Television’s infamous third show, both pretty significant milestones.
Her ability to scream drew attention and there was talk of building a band around her, but ultimately she couldn’t find the right vehicle. She was however and early pioneer in introducing veganism to the punk scene.