BOSTON — Studies conducted at MIT show that when visiting a Chipotle Mexican Grill location, the person in front of you will always be a new visitor ordering for the first time in their entire fucking life.
“We’ve run the studies over and over again. The results are astounding, they simply defy known science,” shared theoretical physicist Charlotte Koll-Meyer. “The double-slit experiment has guided our finding: if we’re measuring for it, the person ordering in front of you will always be a first-timer to Chipotle. Furthermore, using a test I like to call ‘Schrödinger’s Taco,’ we found that the person ordering in front of you may or may not be experiencing their first-ever visit to any public restaurant, period. In every variation of our study, they are somehow bewildered by the user-friendly menu and minimal options. It’s as though the known universe wants to delay you from eating Chipotle.”
Exacerbated regular Colby Valentine expressed his concern.
“How does this happen? Every damn time!” said Valentine in the Chipotle parking lot. “I should’ve ordered ahead. Honestly, every single visit this happens. Today, this guy in front of me studied the menu board like it was an ancient religious text. Then he wanted samples of each protein option like he’s never had chicken before. Then he had questions about the spice levels of the different salsas AND the beans. The beans aren’t spicy dude. Then employees had to explain the concept of a burrito bowl – twice. And then he asked, ‘Wait, what’s a burrito?’ It’s ridiculous. You’re at Chipotle, my dude. It’s been around for a minute. Best part: this guy thought guacamole was free. They actually laughed. Can you imagine, free guacamole? In this economy?”
Representatives from Chiptole were not surprised by the findings.
“We’re always putting our first customers… first,” explained Cassandra Dickinson, Chipotle’s Chief Operating Officer. “It’s all part of our business plan for Q4. We realized a few years ago we were only reaching our regulars: those ready to bark out their memorized assembly line orders, as though half-asleep. Through rigorous cookies and targeted ads, we’re attracting first-time customers every single day. These are consumers paralyzed with indecision and ample free time, and they specifically want to stand in line right in front of you.”
MIT lab studies have suggested that the same theory applies to all airports as there is a 99.3% chance that the person in front of you will yell at an employee, misplace a boarding pass, or checking in to a flight for the first time in their entire fucking lives.