So there’s this guy Jake. He just turned 30, and now he’s going on about “eliminating bad habits” and “building a healthier daily routine.” What the hell does that even mean? I’ve been watching him all week, and I still can’t wrap my head around it.
Look, let’s get one thing straight: self-improvement is just another lie sold to suckers who haven’t accepted their miserable fate yet. You’re either born with a silver spoon and a winning personality, or you’re like the rest of us—finding new rock bottoms faster than you can say “help.”
Take Jake for example, this delusional 30-year-old who thinks he can actually “better himself.” He wants to kick his drug habits? Please. Has he even been to an NA meeting? Those places are just dealer networking events where the dealers are extremely reluctant and sometimes might even cry. His brilliant alternative? “Cutting back.” Oh sure, because that always works. What ever happened to our Meth and Mushroom Monday’s? Tar Tuesday’s? Isolating yourself socially is a pretty bad habit if you ask me, how else would we even speak if he doesn’t show face to Salvia Sunday with the boys before half price wings at Hooters.
And get this – the next thing on Jake’s self-improvement list? Reading more novels. Sorry to break it to you, Jake, but Pornhub comments and 4chan conspiracies are all you’ve been reading since 8th grade. I saw him staring at a book yesterday. Just… staring at it. Is that reading? Is the book supposed to do tricks or something? He kept saying things like “I feel smarter already” and “This is really working.” Working how? You’re just doing random shit and pretending it means something, just watch, next week he’ll just ask AI to summarize the rest in a few sentences.
I don’t know, maybe I’m missing something here. But from where I’m sitting (which is on my couch, where I’ve been for the last 72 hours), this whole “self-improvement” thing looks like a bunch of pointless actions strung together by wishful thinking and delusion.
Anyway, I’m off to do some “self-care” of my own, which involves a family-size bag of chips and a porn site binge in which afterward, I’ll rethink pretty much everything I’ve ever done or said before gulping those thoughts back in to never be brought up again and passing out.
This would be one of those episodes that get quickly scrubbed from the internet. Michael would spend the full 240 minutes screaming “Give me back my son!” at Joe until someone was forced to call the cops.
Turns out Joe hates Drive Shaft. And we already know Charlie is always seeking approval, so this episode would be incredibly hard to listen to because Charlie would relapse on air.
Joe would forget who she is—just like the rest of us have. Quite frankly it’s astonishing we took the time to add her to this list.
Nobody likes Nikki and Paulo, and it’d be the podcast’s least-listened episode. Joe would have to sell four float tanks to make up for Athletic Greens pulling their sponsorship.
He only exists in a parallel universe where Andy Dick would be the podcast king, and nobody wants to see Andy Dick proposition a sad teenage boy to join him to rail blow in a hot tub.
Shannon’s episode would be a complete train wreck. She’d whine about island life, drop random complaints about people not appreciating her, and somehow make everything about her failed modeling career. Joe, visibly checked out, would ask her about survival skills, only to get an eye roll and more self-pity. By the end, even Joe’s die-hard fans would agree: this one sucks.
Let’s be honest—who cares? No one’s tuning in to hear Bernard pout for three hours straight. He’d probably spend the whole episode complaining about dental hygiene on the island. Hard pass.
Nobody wants to hear this blowhard talk about his “heroic” arrests for the entire episode, least of all Joe.
One long Alpha Brain for Dogs ad? No, thank you. And let’s not even get into how the dog actor that played Vincent was female. That’s going to get Joe all worked up.
Ten minutes into a tepid conversation about Tempur-Pedic mattresses, Joe would casually hint that lifting weights might help Frogurt get laid more.
Joe would spend the whole episode asking, “But seriously, why’d you leave Jack?” while Sarah just rolls her eyes and mutters something about daddy issues.
Kate’s dad would calmly discuss the joys of parenthood, but things would take a turn when Joe awkwardly asks, “So, how do you feel about your daughter killing someone?”
Joe would kick off the episode with, “I heard Driveshaft is finally gonna have a reunion!” only for Liam to awkwardly explain, “Nah, man… you’re thinking of Oasis.”
Midway through explaining Dharma protocols, Phil would randomly confess to Joe that he once cried for three days straight because someone ate his sandwich.
Bram would rant about Jacob saving the world, and Joe would randomly ask, “But have you tried lion’s mane coffee?” Bram would shake his head, muttering, “You’re on the wrong side, Joe.”
Joe would try digging into her relationship with Sayid, but Nadia dodges every question like a pro. By the end, Joe’s convinced she’s a secret agent, and she still hasn’t said a thing.
Boone would mention his hookup with Shannon, and Joe, thinking it was one of those “When in Rome” situations on the island, would nod along. But when Boone clarifies it happened before they were stranded, Joe’s face would go from understanding to pure discomfort.
Joe would be excited to drop “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” references, assuming Aldo knows about it because of his actor’s connection. Aldo, completely oblivious, would just blink and ask, “What’s Always Sunny?” leaving Joe awkwardly butchering the Dennis System.
Carmen would spend the whole episode trying to feed Joe, insisting he needs more home-cooked meals. Joe, overwhelmed, would try to steer the conversation back to Hurley’s lottery win, but Carmen’s too busy telling embarrassing stories about Hurley.
Dr. Pierre Chang, the man of a thousand secrets, would take one look at Joe’s guest list and ghost him faster than you can say “namaste.”
Karl’s episode would just be awkward, as Joe spends way too long trying to bond with him over teenage rebellion, ignoring the fact that Karl spent most of his time getting tortured by The Others.
Danny Pickett would go on an unhinged rant about how grilling was the only thing keeping him from losing it on the island. “You think I tortured people for fun, Joe? Nah, it was just stress from never getting the damn grill hot enough.”
The entire episode would just be Joe asking, “Did you watch Succession?” over and over, while George tries to explain that he’s not actually in the show.
“Have you seen “The Wire”? That’s the whole episode. Joe would keep asking Jamie to bring up clips and it’s more boring than you can actually imagine.
Cindy would talk about serving peanuts one day and joining a cult the next. Joe, baffled, would ask, “So, do the Others get TSA PreCheck or what?”
Joe would peg Lennon as the kind of guy who could handle some potent edibles. Big mistake. Lennon would get way too high, turning the conversation into a paranoid mess, rambling about Dharma secrets and human sacrifice.
Sun would ignore all of Joe’s questions about survival and island life, instead launching into a passionate rant about the superiority of Korean skincare. By the end, Joe’s frantically scribbling down product recommendations convinced it’s the secret to longevity.
Charlotte would switch between her normal accent and a bizarre fake one throughout the episode, confusing Joe to no end. “Wait, are you British or not?” he’d finally ask, as Charlotte laughs and says, “Depends on which timeline we’re in.”
Joe would spend the whole episode awkwardly trying to psychoanalyze Sawyer through Cassidy, which would turn into a strange conversation about con artists, relationships, and attachment issues.
All his life Linus has been mocked for his worship of The Great Pumpkin, an arcane God that he believes will reveal itself to its followers in a pumpkin patch on Halloween night. This year, Linus’s devotion will finally pay off. The Great Pumpkin has returned, and he is most displeased with our lack of faith. His first words to his humble servant Linus—”Bring me the blood of the non-believers.”
Ours is going to be a little less cutesy talking puppies have misadventures and a little more Air Bud meets Cujo. The puppies will still talk, but as rabies cooks their minds the words slowly meld into brutalistic gibberish as they terrorize a small town on Halloween night.
In “Dr. Finkelstein: Origins” the doctor is a strait up WWII Nazi scientist, performing the most gruesome and immoral experiments on his subjects in the name of creating the one true Superman. Let’s see Danny Elfman write a song about that!
When was the last time you watched “The Never Ending Story?” It’s a lot different through grown-up eyes. Falcor has… a vibe. A pretty unsettling one. Let’s explore that.
“The Iron Giant” is a heartwarming story about the bond between a young boy and a giant alien robot that completely leaves exploration of the horrors of AI on the table. Our sequel will make a meal out of those scraps. The giant, now fully repaired and praised as a hero for selflessly saving a town from a nuclear explosion in the first movie, decides to part more “gifts” to humanity. The Earth of 1957 suddenly finds itself in possession of the Internet, smartphones, Alexa, the whole works. At first, people embrace this technology with open arms, but soon things take a turn. People are acting strange, becoming paranoid, and turning on one another. Things escalate into full-blown civil war, and eventually bloodthirsty anarchy, and as the giant watches the thin veneer of society crumble to dust from on high we realize this was his plan all along.
If Sesame Street were a REAL place, everyone would be a vampire by now having been bitten by the count. Let’s stop lying to our children.
Honestly, the first Casper movie is fairly unsettling in its own right. It raises some pretty heavy questions about the nature of the soul and the afterlife, plus Casper is super creepy towards Christina Ricci, like borderline incel. Our remake will simply build on that skeleton, with Casper adapting a more nefarious “Baby Reindeer” approach to his romantic pursuits, all the while lamenting upon the fact that his parents are in heaven while he is doomed to roam the earth forever. The real horror is Casper’s refusal to acknowledge the flaws that corrupt his soul, even as they become painfully and gorily clear to us the viewers. That’s how ya do Casper!
Creepy, but we never actually see him cut off Ichabod Crane’s head. How about a movie that just deals with the head-cutting part? Takes a lot of work to get a whole human head off of a body, kids need to know!
Pretty simple, we just show The Addams Family doing all the macabre shit they reference doing in jokes all the time. Oh really Gomez, you had a blast vacationing in Europe during the bubonic plague? Let’s see that shit!
Our origin story cements what the original “Nightmare Before Christmas” only hints at—that in his human life, Jack Skellington was none other than Jack the Ripper, satanist, and murderer of London sex workers. There’s an empty place in his bones, and he’s going to fill it with bloodshed.
The kids faired pretty well against super-campy versions of Dracula, The Wolfman, and all the like, but there comes a time to put away childish things. Now in high school, The Monster Squad is up against a team of real-life Monsters. Let’s see how the team’s nard-kicking antics hold up against an alliance between David Berkowitz, Maina Ramulu, Charles Cullen, and Dennis Rader, aka The BTK Killer.
We can’t be the only ones to think Adam Sandler is severely underused here. We all saw what he could do in “Uncut Gems.” We know Dracula is supposed to be “nice” in these movies, fine, but what about a Dracula who’s so addicted to gambling that he’s constantly putting himself and loved ones in harm’s way? Now that’s haunting.
