We weren’t alive during Woodstock 99, but we know a lot about it, all of which we have learned against our will. In fact, between the documentary that came out in 2021, and having an uncle who attended staying in our parent’s spare bedroom for an undetermined amount of time, we’re basically experts on the subject.
They say that history is written by the winners, and if our uncle got to write the school textbook version of Woodstock 99, you’d think that everyone had fun; so much fun, that it’s all they talk about over twenty years later. Sure, thousands of people were essentially stuck there for days without guaranteed access to basic human necessities, but it’s ok because Korn played, and their set was apparently awesome on ecstasy.
Having this guy stay at our house has us feeling just as trapped as the people stuck at Woodstock 99, only we have water and don’t have to listen to Buckcherry. While we are tired of hearing about it, a part of us feels bad. It’s kinda dark knowing that a forty-three-year-old man had the best weekend of his life while covered in literal shit over twenty years ago. But then he’ll come out of the bathroom and say something like “careful, it’s like a Woodstock 99 port-o-potty in there,” and we don’t feel bad anymore.
People died at Woodstock 99. We know this because our uncle allegedly saw a guy die there, which he has brought up at the dinner table almost every night he’s been here. There was also a fire at Woodstock 99, which our uncle allegedly ran naked around. Fortunately, there is no known evidence of this.
He also loves to bring up the “epic” journey of getting to the former air force base that held the infamous event. He talks about it like it was some sort of pilgrimage, but he lived in Utica, which is like 20 minutes away, and our grandma brought him. She picked him and his co-worker up from their jobs at the gas station and dropped them off. They got high before she showed up and kept it a secret from her, which we supposed is an “epic” thing to do if you’re an annoying nineteen-year-old.
If you attended Woodstock 99, we’d like to formally apologize to you on the off-chance you ran into him there. Thankfully, that weekend of debauchery will probably never be recreated. We’re confident in this because our uncle recently came back from Sick New World Fest, which he was disappointed to report was tame and well-organized and nothing like his favorite weekend.
Buckle in, MuskSantians!
☠️☠️☠️KEEP OUT!☠️☠️☠️
Participants are urged not to make the moderator feel threatened in any way.
“Did you know that Jimmy Buffet invented peanut butter, heart surgery, and jazz?”
“You can still do it if it’s pejorative.”
Fucking “Ron.”
One is an isolated billionaire, the other a career-driven go-getter with no time for a relationship. Together, they’re about to discover the greatest business venture of all is love.
Luckily DeSantis always keeps a chuggable bottle of ranch nearby for any time he needs to say “Woke culture is destroying America” through a mouthful of Grizzly Ghost Pepper
It’s shit for productivity but great for blue-skying a fascist oligarchy
“Those boys really bust my gut!”
Any port in a storm, right?
“My a-wife-a, she a-no have rights to her body.”
☠️☠️☠️ DANGER! KEEP OUT! THIS MEANS YOU!☠️☠️☠️
Again, you guys?!
“The fact that they are directly disenfranchised by my bigotry gives them an unnatural advantage when it comes to owning my ass in the comments.”
Jukebox musicals of the shittiest albums could be expected as soon as January 2026
Just go ahead and scream. Let it out.
We here at The Hard Times know our punk history, which would be incomplete without a mention of this classic band. Formed in San Antonio, the band quickly relocated to California after realizing Texans were completely fine with butt stuff, but hated the whole surfing part.
Perhaps the second-best thing to ever come out of El Paso after Eddie Guerrero, At The Drive-In’s “Relationship of Command” caught the attention of the music world. Many older punks still remember their breakup as the most devastating event that happened in 2001.
In the aftermath of ATDI, Omar Rodríguez-López and Cedric Bixler-Zavala wanted to experiment with their sound further. While the Mars Volta focused on producing a more progressive sound, nothing would be as progressive as the time when Bixler-Zavala denounced his former Foss bandmate Beto O’Rourke for endorsing Biden in the 2020 Democratic primaries.
The other half of ATDI’s breakup, Sparta were known for their concrete post-hardcore roots and lead singer Jim Ward’s emotional delivery. Unfortunately, the band was hit hard by the release of Zach Snyder’s 300, as Leonidas’ iconic line fucked with the band’s SEO.
A list of the best bands from Texas that doesn’t include Power Trip is a list that should be vehemently ignored, or alternatively, brought to the town square and publicly ridiculed. The only thing left to say is Riley Gale Forever
Originally from Houston, Mineral was one of the best emo bands to emerge in the ‘90s. Their most popular song, “Parking Lot” is rumored to be a scathing takedown of their hometown’s extreme dependence on cars. Either that or it’s about some sad shit that would get us depressed, and since we’d rather be mad than sad, we’re saying it’s the former.
Okay sure, if you search up Parquet Courts on Google, it’ll say they’re a NY band. Look, we’re no geneticists, but if 3/4 of the band met in Denton, we’re pretty sure that means they’re a Texas band. And besides, New York already has so many great punk acts, so please just let us have this. We’ll even give you Owen Wilson’s younger brother, Luke, if that sweetens the deal.
In a state full of conservative freaks waiting for their chance to suck the dirt clean off a cop’s boots, MDC are a beacon of hope. It’s said that their song “John Wayne Was a Nazi” single-handedly raised the blood pressure of thousands of Ag teachers across the state.
Now this is a band that knows how to cater to their environment. While their name may lead you to believe they’re the rootinest tootinest four-piece bluegrass-country outfit from Chattanooga, they’re actually a killer punk band from Denton.
Hailing from the self-proclaimed black sheep city of Texas, this Austin band has been making waves since 2017 with their blend of hardcore and screamo. It’s bands like this that remind us there’s more to Austin than out-of-state tech bros and college kids that just found out the Blur guy is also the Gorillaz guy.
Okay, this one might blow your mind. Who would’ve thought the TX at the end of their name meant they were from Texas? Certainly not us, we were too busy peeling the dried glue off our hands during our 2nd-grade social studies class. Regardless, this Sherman metalcore band will surely fit into any playlist meant to scare the living shit out of WASP moms.
Originally from Austin, The Impossibles brought the undeniable swagger of ska to the uncultured masses living in suburban Texas. The introduction of ska to Texans created an imbalance in the world of high school football, as many players quit to pursue their true passion of doing a little jig while playing the trumpet.
Formed in 2014, this metalcore band from Lubbock quickly became the talk of the town. More specifically, it’s the devil’s talk, if you want to believe your super-religious aunt who somehow makes a decent living from selling Herbalife products and Mary Kay cosmetics.
Although the Pacific Northwest was the birthplace and hot spot for grunge in the ‘90s, something cool happened in Fort Worth for the first (and last) time ever and Toadies were born. Do yourself a favor and listen to their debut before you go rummaging through your attic looking for your Mountain Dew-stained Guitar Hero II controller.
The seven years between “Title Tk” and “Mountain Battles” were packed with cross-country recording sessions and a Pixies reunion tour. Like any good Breeders jaunt, “Mountain Battles” charges headfirst into new musical territory, with some inconsistent results. A handful of songs like “Night of Joy” and “We’re Gonna Rise” sound like great Radiohead album cuts, if that makes sense. The lowkey moments shine through, especially the chilled out “Regalame Esta Noche.” Ultimately, “weakest Breeders album” is still a compliment.
It’s funny to look back on 2018 and think “Ah, what a simpler time” because we had no idea the world was going to really go to shit. But 2018 gave us “All Nerve,” which isn’t phased by the ten-year gap in new music from the band. All of the tracks feel right at home within the Dealscography. “Spacewoman” is a great fucking song. There is a slight sense of “been there, done that” throughout, but there’s no hint of late-career desperation for the good ol’ days of “Last Splash.”
The Breeders come out swinging with “Pod,” an album with the confidence of a tall guy planting himself in the front row of a basement show. It’s an album full of messy, great ideas, which makes sense considering it was born out of Deal’s growing frustration with Pixies. “Pod” was a quick hit upon release and became favorite for many of the band’s contemporaries including some guy named Kurt Cobain.
Created in the midst of recording misfires and lineup changes, “Title TK” still manages to show off Deal’s songwriting bite. The songs skew moodier, with several tracks like “Off You” shifting to more subtle, spacey instrumentations. Grungey rockers like “Huffer” and “London” are still plentiful, leading to a refined and well-rounded mix of tracks. Also it came out a few months before 9/11, The Breeders really like to get their writing cycle done before world changing events.
The serene vibes of “Drivin’ on 9”. The spacey guitars and vocals on “No Aloha.” The mere existence of “Cannonball” and “Divine Hammer.” Every song on here is just unfair. In a shitty industry where rigid, design-by-committee songs and overpaid, under-talented shithead pop producers reign supreme, “Last Splash” proves there will always be a place for pure, honest creativity. And this was also the year Beanie Babies debuted, conspiracy theorists might start to worry that The Breeders are part of some shadow government hell-bent on chaos, but it’s probably just a coincidence.
