BROUSSARD, La. — Gun store owners across the country reported the need to cut costs as summer break ushers in the start of a decline in business that lasts until school starts again, multiple freedom-loving sources confirmed.
“Every June it’s the same story. We sell a couple rifles to some guys hunting game, but our assault weapons just sit on the shelf collecting dust. I tried offering discounts to anyone who can prove they’re forced to go to summer school, but those kids always end up going to the military where they get all the guns they want for free,” said Crazy Jim’s Guns ‘N’ Ammo owner Jim Ainsley. “I’d love to take a vacation and just close up shop for two months, but a lot of the local cops love to come here and drink a few tall boys out back during their shift.”
Social outcast Damon Lewis says he has taken advantage of summer clearance since his freshman year of high school.
“A lot of states still have bullshit age limits on weapons, but this time of year most shop owners are so desperate for cash that they will look the other way. I’ve got my eye on some hollow point bullets and body armor that I can probably get for 50% off,” said Lewis from his parent’s basement. “Last year I got an IWI Tavor X95 for a fucking steal. It sort of frustrates me how much they jack the price up on these things when school is in session. If Congress actually wants to do something about gun sales they should look into mid-school year price gouging, that’s the real crime.”
NRA president Carolyn D. Meadows is optimistic that munitions suppliers will be able to weather a down economy and bounce back in September.
“When our members ask ‘What does the NRA do for me?’ I have to remind them that we have an army of people posting on message boards to radicalize high schoolers into becoming 2nd Amendment patriots,” said Meadows while drafting legislation she will force multiple members of the House to pass. “Today’s losers are tomorrow’s customers. We have trained experts letting these kids know they can go down in history, and all these eventual domestic terrorists like to buy locally.”
At press time, Crazy Jim’s Guns ‘N’ Ammo placed a bucket of handguns on the sidewalk with a “Free” sign in order to get rid of dead inventory.