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I’m New Hampshire Sober: The Only Time I Drink Is When I’m Riding a Motorcycle with No Helmet

You’ve heard of California Sober: no drugs or alcohol except for weed and maybe the occasional psychedelic. But do you know about New Hampshire sober? No? Well, as someone who’s stone cold NH sober, let me explain it to you.

Basically, I don’t drink or do any drugs whatsoever. Nada. Zilch. Except on the rare occasion when I’m riding my Harley while taking full advantage of the freedoms afforded to me here in the Granite State by not wearing a helmet. That is the only time I ever feel in control enough to crack open a cold one.

I call it “Liberty Riding.” It’s an ode to Paul Revere, who did his “the British are coming” horse ride thing like 50 miles from here, in Taxachusetts. Little known fact, he was totally fucked up when he did that.

You’re probably wondering: How often are you doing this Liberty Riding thing? Isn’t it hard to maintain sobriety while still sometimes drinking? Like I said, it’s rare. I am definitely not doing this every day. For example, sometimes the roads are too snowy for my motorcycle. Other days I’m busy hunting or fishing. We have great wildlife here.

You might also be wondering: Isn’t drinking while riding a motorcycle illegal? To that I say, I don’t know. I purposefully have not looked it up and I don’t intend to. If I can’t have a Sam Adams or ten while the wind blows my unconstrained mullet as I zoom down 95 going 95, what’s the point of living in New Hampshire anyways? Live free or die!

Besides, if I were to hit anyone while Liberty Riding, I’d be the one who ends up in a wooden box, not the other guy. Sure, I’d feel a little bad about traumatizing the driver who had to see my unprotected head slam against the asphalt and my brain spill out like a smashed watermelon. But who hasn’t seen that kind of thing in New Hampshire?