Band Taking Promo Photos in Desolate Field Brought Their Instruments for Some Stupid Reason

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

LAWRENCE, Kan. — Members of local indie band Seashore inexplicably carried their respective instruments nearly two miles into a scenic field for a promo photoshoot, confirmed sweaty sources.

“We thought it was a good idea at first. Anyone looking at the photos would be able to get a good feel of what we might look like on stage and book us on some national tours, but after about 20 minutes of walking we realized it was a bad idea,” said bass player Max Knealy. “It wouldn’t have been so bad if I only had to lug around my bass, but I also had to carry a snare drum and three cymbal stands. We eventually just stopped after our drummer Jacob (Perez) rolled his ankle, and our guitar player Mike (Radinger) got bit by a snake right on the kneecap.”

Amy Joyce, the freelance photographer that the band hired says the shoot was doomed from the start.

“I met them at a field off of Interstate 40 that had an electrified barbed wire fence and a bunch of No Trespassing signs and they insisted it was ‘cool’ because one of their uncles knew the guy that owned the place,” said Joyce. “I cut the shit out of my legs climbing through the fence, and then they asked me to carry the bass drum. They even brought the pedal for some reason. By the time we finally settled on a spot to take the photos, everyone was sweaty, bleeding, and basically ready to die out there. I’m just glad I was able to convince them to leave their amps in the car.”

Noted music critic Alexi Omerata has been speaking out about bands holding their instruments in photos for years.

“So you got a guy awkwardly holding a guitar, another guy with drumsticks in his front pocket like that’s normal, a singer randomly holding a microphone, and we are supposed to think they look cool or something? None of the instruments have cables, we know how electricity works, we know they aren’t going to suddenly play a song,” said Omerata. “This is because bands overthink their image. Just do what the Ramones did and find a random brick wall and just stand there. The biggest argument you will have is which guy gets to prop his foot up against the wall.”

Sources familiar with the situation indicate the photoshoot was interrupted by a cattle dog that herded the band into a nearby pen full of sheep.

Every Hawthorne Heights Album Ranked Worst To Best

Posted on by Scott Waldman

Before you scabs post something derivative on your social media pages with a four person outreach, just know this: Hawthorne Heights are bigger than all of your stupid, stupid bands combined, and “Saying Sorry” is catchier than any song you have ever, ever written. Dayton, Ohio’s pride and joy yelling/humming/growling/falsetto band Hawthorne Heights formed as a classic Beatles song in 2001, renamed themselves, and twenty-two years later have their own multi-state festival wherein they selflessly let other larger bands headline, seven original studio albums not including acoustic albums covering/modifying their own material, several EPs/compilations/B-sides, and various receipts showcasing that they saved a bundle on insurance by switching to Geico. As always, we expect you to ask something epically brilliant and original like, “They have more than one album/song?” but y’all should put the silence in black and white!

7. Zero (2013)

More ambitious than the literal derivative of zero? Still, one record had to be listed at the dreaded number seven slot here, and said numbered record named after a Smashing Pumpkins t-shirt takes the poorly cooked, yet surprisingly nutrient dense, low calorie, vegan, cake. But hollow hawthorne heart heights unite, this record isn’t bad per se, it’s just inconsistent, and maybe would’ve worked better as an EP called “ZE,” “RO,” or “Zero-Sum Game of Thrones.” The then-five piece bared their metaphorical souls with Grammy-nominated (not for this album) producer Brian Virtue, who also sat behind the boards for your favorite bands Chevrolet Chevelle and Jared “My So-Called Requiem For A Joker’s Dream Buyers Club” Leto’s popular U2 cover band.

Play it again: “Memories of Misery”
Skip it: “Strangers”

6. The Rain Just Follows Me (2021)

Like their former Victory Records labelmates, and we’re not going to make any Tony Brummel lawsuit low hanging fruit jokes here, Silverstein did with their more than solid tenth LP “A Beautiful Place to Drown,” Hawthorne Heights’ most recent Pure Noise Records studio album “The Rain Just Follows Me” looks like a hip-hop record from afar because of its various features which include prolific vocalists from Yellowcard, Counterparts, and Bayside. Also, its title is emo as fuck, and we are still crying about it every hour on the hour after reading it two years ago. Anyway, while this album shines much brighter than “Zero” despite its dull headlights, the following five just flow better.

Play it again: “Spray Paint It Black,” a non-Rolling Stones original HH tune featuring Anthony Raneri of Bayside
Skip it: “Words Can’t Hurt”

5. Fragile Future (2008)

3-2-1 and four become one: This particular ranking position for 2008’s “Fragile Future” may surprise you, but the fact that this LP, the band’s final effort for the aforementioned Winning Albums Chi-Town Conglomerate, is their first full-length without the band’s late guitarist/screamer Casey Calvert. Basically, you should let go of everything you know, and revisit all twelve tracks right now. Overall, it’s hard to talk smack on this non-disaster of record, even if your story and/or narrative changes on its impact, so we won’t, and we want to further highlight our opinion that it is much better than you think it is. Thus, we’re battered and broken, these words are and were spoken in despair, and it will be the only ranking without a “skip it” section… That’s all we have to say about that!

Play it again: “Until the Judgment Day”
Skip it: Pass

4. Bad Frequencies (2018)

It’s been so long, it’s been so long: 2018’s “Bad Frequencies” is the Hawthorne Heights record with the longest gap between said band’s releases, as its predecessor full-length was released in 2013, and it shows in its songs in the best possible way. Basically, this is the group’s finest/utterly return to form album to be released after 2010, and was actually recorded in the band’s home state of Ohio, in the litterbox cornfield fuckeye town that surprisingly had a BD’s Mongolian Grill known as Columbus; go blue. Fun! Although it is not technically an original music studio album, as it has reworked songs and various covers of songs from such bands as Weezer and Bush, and even renditions of solo small-time acts Billie Eilish and Kacey Musgraves, 2019’s follow-up release “Lost Frequencies” deserves some love as well, especially for old school hardcore HH fans.

Play it again: “Pink Hearts”
Skip it: “Straight Down the Line”

3. Skeletons (2010)

Speaking of hardcore, ardent Hawthorne Heights fans likely know about the gospel of “Skeletons,” and/or believe this already, but here is our HHo(hio)t take: This album would’ve been listed at number two or, gasp, even number one here if it had two or three less songs. 2010’s “Skeletons” is likely an album you slept on like, uh, a skeleton, but it is easily the band’s most lush and musically dense record. The band released this LP, which was their fourth, on Wind-Up Records, and such label apparently went on a scene binge around this time, picking up bands like Hawthorne Heights, the aforementioned Bayside, and catchy catchy catchy Cartel, perhaps in an attempt to overcome hearing the word “creed” ad Nauseum. Whatever the label’s motivations for signing HH, we wish that “Skeletons” had a larger audience, raised the band’s stock, and became your gateway gateway drug.

Play it again: “Abandoned Driveways”
Skip it: “Hollywood & Vine”

2. The Silence in Black and White (2004)

Wake up call without a true need to screen-write an apology: This album is truly great and all, but it isn’t the band’s best. Agree? Probably not, but you’re always wrong, so please be kind to us for that opinion as our sad little Hawthorne hearts can’t take any meanness from thou or anyone else in Idaho. Seriously. We can’t and won’t! Anyway, Hawthorne Heights’ calling card single “Ohio Is for Lovers,” which isn’t called “My Heart Is In Ohio” or “My Heart Will Go On,” is easily one of the biggest/best songs in its genre, which may be called many different things depending on the listener, the age of said listener, and where the listener was at at the time. Yeah. In closing, as evidenced by our handy dandy, objectively sound, and never incorrect “Play it again” section, “Niki Fm” freaking rips too. Cut. To. Black.

Play it again: “Niki FM”
Skip it: 2nd pass

1. If Only You Were Lonely (2006)

Bigger. Better. Bendeth. Bodacious. The band and its then-label may have pissed Ne-Yo off with “If Only You Were Lonely,” and how things went down during its release week, but after a long discussion with the popular singer, wherein he kept saying, “Go on girl,” Ne-Yo conceded that HH should’ve debuted at number one on the Billboard charts for this studio album, their sophomore LP. Ne-Yo then said that he’s sorry, and he didn’t want to see the band cry anymore. The band subsequently stopped. Anyway, if you were lucky enough to catch Hawthorne Heights’ 2006 tour with October Fall (or The Hush Sound depending upon the date), From First To Last, The All-American Rejects, and Fall Out Boy on the larger than you think run for this one, you caught a show that some people here would’ve loved to see, despite their cred or lack thereof.

Play it again: “This Is Who We Are”
Skip it: 3rd pass

Fiancé’s Honeymoon Research Clearly Just Listening to “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys Once

Posted on by Peter Woods

MINNEAPOLIS — Local man Cecil Clarke admitted that the only contribution he made to his upcoming wedding is researching potential honeymoon locations by listening to “Kokomo” once, maybe twice, frustrated sources confirmed.

“Initially I was supposed to take the lead in selecting music for the wedding, but my fiance Annie (Fritz) got upset when I suggested we hire a grind band called Anus Abuse to play classic party songs. So then she suggested I just choose where we go on our honeymoon and now she’s mad claiming I haven’t been taking that role seriously,” said Clarke. “‘Kokomo’ is basically a one-stop shop for travel ideas. But was that the only thing I did to find a honeymoon spot for us? Absolutely not. I listened to The Beach Boys’ entire greatest hits album almost two times to find places to go. It just so happened that all of the best places were in that song.”

The bride-to-be says she is about to reach her breaking point.

“This man has done nothing to make this wedding happen. When I asked what sort of cake he preferred he said he wanted one of those Carvel ice cream cakes. Telling him to choose a honeymoon spot should be easy, just say ‘Italy’ and we are rolling, but instead he gives me a list of real and fictional islands as options,” said the clearly agitated Fritz. “But I went into the conversation with an open mind and, admittedly, the places he started listing sounded great at first. I would love to spend a week in Aruba or Jamaica, who wouldn’t? But as soon as he called me ‘pretty mama’ and listed Key Largo as an option I knew exactly what he was trying to pull.”

Outside of the relationship, those familiar with the song are defending Clarke’s actions.

“Listening to ‘Kokomo’ is actually a really great place to find a honeymoon spot,” said Mike Love, member of the Beach Boys and one of the songwriters behind the track. “The song actually started because a travel magazine asked us to write a list of our favorite beach-side vacation spots. But when we finished ranking them, we realized that the list rhymed so we just turned it into a song. We figured more people would see our list in song form anyways.”

At press time, Fritz and Clarke had reportedly resolved the issue by just booking the cabin upstate that they go to every summer and not talking about it anymore.

It’s Kinda Funny How Much My Students Teach Me When I Don’t Teach Them Shit

Posted on by Jeff Bender

The other day I overheard one of my colleagues say they love teaching because, in the end, they learn as much from the students as the students learn from them.

I said, “Are you shitting me? How are those two equal?” I really wish I knew because, while my students teach me a lot, I don’t teach them shit.

I know this for a fact. Every day after class I say, “Okay, so what did we learn today?” After some silence I say, “Who can name one of today’s takeaways?” I say, “Anyone?” Then I say, “Remmy?” (Remmy’s my best student—she’s taught me pretty much everything.) Remmy kind of opens her hands and shakes her head. I say, “Plato? Sophocles? Proust? Hamlet? Jean Valjean? Karl Marx? Richard Marx?” These are random names I’ve heard of. I say, “Any of that ring a bell?” It doesn’t to me, and it doesn’t to them.

I guess I can’t blame them. I’m supposed to teach them “classical literature,” and every day I assign homework from the Norton Anthology of Classical Literature. At the beginning of every class, I ask what they learned. I ask because I myself didn’t understand it. I did the reading, but I did it wrong, and often I can’t even remember the pages I assigned. Also, like, who wants to read something written by “Mimnermus”? or “Anonymous”? or “Horace”? I had a roommate named Horace. He was an asshole.

But when I ask what they remember, the reading comes alive for me. They guide me to specific passages and read them to me. When I say, “Okay, what does that mean?” they explain them to me. It’s amazing. Here are a few things I’ve learned:

  • Plato was kind of a “pedo.”
  • But it was cool because, like, back then, all men did it.
  • Anonymous isn’t a real writer. He’s a myth. Or he could be “several people.” Honestly, I didn’t really get this part.
  • Lyric poetry is called such because, like, way back in the olden days, it was accompanied by a lyre. (I didn’t know that!)
  • A lyre is like a guitar, but you can’t really shred on it.
  • Phil Collins drums, sings, and plays synthesizer.
  • Texas has 254 counties while Delaware has 3.
  • There’s only one country in the world that begins with the letter W.
  • Detroit is fucked, man.

And that’s just from one class! Imagine what I could learn over the course of a semester!

As you can see, we always get off track, and this is a huge relief to me because after about fifteen minutes I can’t take any more “classical literature.”

Look, I love my students. They’re youthful, patient (with me), smart, lively, full of knowledge, and, unlike I am, they’re well-read and -traveled. In return, they have a shitty teacher. I feel so sorry for them. I actually have a Ph.D., and I remember nothing from those days. But these days? I’m kind of learning a lot.

Power Ranking NFL Teams By How Likely Their Kicker Will Be Eaten By A Horse Mid-Season

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

The long wait is finally over. Football is back. This is the year your team will go all the way, all they need is a few lucky bounces, consistency, and to make sure their kicker isn’t devoured in a strange barnyard accident that the country’s top investigators won’t be able to explain.

To get you excited for the season we compiled our definitive rankings of each NFL kicker based on how likely it is they will become horse food.

(At the time of writing this list the Los Angeles Rams had not signed a kicker)

31. Justin Tucker Baltimore Ravens

The Baltimore kicker is the all-time best to ever do it. If a hungry horse came at Tucker he could just swing that foot and basically make the horse explode on impact. Let this be a warning to all horses, stay away from Justin Tucker or your guts will be booted halfway to Atlanta.

30. Nick Folk Tennessee Titans

Folk has been around the game for a long time. His skills might be declining on the field, but he’s a crafty veteran who can use his football knowledge to avoid most horse-relate injuries. Whether it’s keeping the horse at bay with a pitchfork, or simply grabbing a salt lick. Folk is a safe bet.

29. Greg Zuerlein New York Jets

Another veteran of the sport. Greg “The Leg” originally got his nickname after he booted a football 65 yards and knocked out a horse that was attacking a small child. Horses around the world know it’s best not to test him.

28. Younghoe Koo Atlanta Falcons

In 2019 while Koo was a kicker for the Atlanta Legends in the AAF he was attacked by a horse in the middle of a game. Thankfully freelance horse wranglers were in attendance and saved Koo from severe injury, but since then he’s been trained in horse-specific self-defense.

27. Evan McPherson Cincinnati Bengals

The Bengals kicker is one of the few NFL players that has openly admitted to beating the crap out of multiple horses, offering no explanation outside of “I just like doing it.” His aggressiveness towards the majestic beasts makes him a safe bet to make it through the season without being eaten by a horse.

26. Graham Gano New York Giants

Another veteran with lots of experience avoiding horse attacks. Gano has a special clause in his contract that assures any team he plays for provides three sharpshooters trained to take down any horses that come within 100 feet of him.

25. Harrison Butker Kansas City Chiefs

The defending Super Bowl champs don’t have much to worry about. Butker is not only an excellent kicker but is also a certified Horse Whisperer. It is rumored he is so good at the practice that he convinced a young Appaloosa to rob a 711.

24. Cairo Santos Chicago Bears

Santos is the only player in the NFL legally allowed to carry a gun on him at all times. If the Bears win the Super Bowl (They won’t) he will be strapped while meeting President Biden. Nobody knows why he carries the gun, but horses better take heed.

23. Jason Sanders Miami Dolphins

Playing in Miami has certain advantages, one of those is easy access to all sorts of cocaine. Sanders knows this, horses know this, and that means all animals are more likely to want to party with him. There is an unwritten rule in the animal kingdom that states “You never eat your cocaine supplier.”

22. Daniel Carlson Las Vegas Raiders

If the Raiders still played in Oakland there is an 85% chance Carlson would be attacked by multiple horses over the course of the season. The amount of players the Raiders lost to horse attacks was one of the key reasons they moved. He is much safer in Vegas where horses are too busy gambling.

21. Brandon McManus Jacksonville Jaguars

The Jaguars facility is famous for having multiple actual jaguars roam their facility. The apex predators scare away nearly all horses and other livestock but are known to attack players during warm-ups.

20. Tyler Bass Buffalo Bills

Bass is relatively safe from horses thanks to the wild antics of tailgating Bills fans. Most animals with any concept of logic avoid the Highmark Stadium parking lot at all costs because it is where humanity shows just how low it can sink.

19. Jake Elliott Philadelphia Eagles

When the Eagles beat the Patriots in Super Bowl LII fans took to the streets of Philadelphia and proudly started eating horse shit. This actually built up a good amount of goodwill with local horses and anyone associated with the Eagles franchise.

18. Jake Moody San Francisco 49ers

Horses can no longer afford to live in the Bay Area, the few horses that remain are busy working 3 jobs in order to stay afloat and have very little time to attack kickers. Especially since the stadium moved all the way to Santa Clara.

17. Brandon Aubrey Dallas Cowboys

Most horses root for America’s team. It’s tough to say why since the team has been disappointing for over 25 years. But they remain loyal and chances are the Cowboys’ rookie kicker won’t be dismembered by a group of Clydesdales.

16. Chase McLaughlin Tampa Bay Buccaneers

McLaughlin has had to apologize for tweets he made in high school where he called horses “The most worthless farm animals” and “Too stupid to ever eat me.” It’s tough to say whether his apology worked or not, time will tell.

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50 Small Business Ideas Ranked By How Good Ian MacKaye Would Be at Running Them

Posted on by James Knapp

Ian MacKaye has had many successes over his career. He has been a key figure in multiple influential bands, the owner and operator of a prolific record label, and a former Häagen-Dazs “Employee of the Month.”

But are these successes merely flashes in the pan, or does the man truly just crap gold? We took a look at the numbers and ranked fifty potential small business ventures based on how well we think they could be run by Ian MacKaye, who from this point on we will respectfully refer to as “Mr. MacKaye” or, more reverently, “The Businessman.”

50. Investment Bank

Starting out pretty obvious here. Mr. MacKaye may be pretty good with money, which is why we know he would absolutely burn this motherfucker down for the insurance payout within the first five minutes.

49. Ballet Academy

The Businessman is top-heavy and one spin is enough to send him through three different sets of walls. Besides, it’s a pain in the ass to plié with Doc Martens on.

48. Cattle Ranch

We’re not even sure that Mr. MacKaye knows what a cow is, let alone him being able to wrangle and milk like eight thousand of them all the time. Not to mention tractors are harder than tour vans to keep up and running regularly.

47. Grain Alcohol Distillery

Mr. MacKaye has hated alcohol since he was a teenager. Assuming he’s even aware of how combustible grain alcohol is, then there’s no chance this business isn’t immediately going up in flames.

46. Gun Range

Generally, gun people love to give long, stupid speeches about their beliefs, but aren’t necessarily fans of having speeches pointed back at them. That’s where we feel like Mr. MacKaye is going to alienate a lot of his potential clientele. Maybe he’d do better with bow and arrow? Let’s find out somewhere in the mid-30s on this list.

45. Cabinetmaker

The Businessman would abandon this business purely from lack of interest. Also, when he first went in he thought it meant amp cabinets and he just never got over that.

44. Academic Publishing Company

The bullshit factor at one of these “publish or perish” paper factories is so high that Mr. MacKaye would put his head through the office’s plate glass window rather than re-edit the second proof of the “Journal of Nonsense To Be Debunked Six Months From Now.”

43. Barber Shop

Even when Mr. MacKaye had hair, it was never his main priority. Unless this place caters exclusively to skinheads and stepfathers who watch too many movies about Navy SEALS then the business is going under in less time than it takes to buzz a scalp. Also, we’re pretty sure Barbicide has alcohol in it, which certainly won’t help.

42. Bakery

What? Did The Businessman suddenly become a talented yet unfulfilled white woman looking to be blindsided by love in an early 2000s rom-com? Actually, don’t think too hard about that one. Anyways, we stand by this ranking.

41. Magic Shop

At least with this one Mr. MacKaye had the foresight to gaze into the crystal ball to see that no matter how hard he tries this place is going under before he ever has to restock the novelty rabbit hats.

40. Trout Hatchery

What are the logistics of managing a small, organic, farm to table style trout hatchery? How the hell should we know? Is that even actually a thing? Regardless, Mr. MacKaye is gonna be in hot water attempting to run this small business – and hot water will also likely be the reason all of his fish die.

39. Used Car Lot

This place would only sell eco-friendly compact cars that burn old banana peels for fuel and fifteen-passenger tour vans that also only burn banana peels for fuel.

38. Archery School

Mr. MacKaye probably isn’t the biggest fan of bowhunting, but he is certainly in favor of self-defense in the scene. Still, if he ran this one we would anticipate a sharp uptick in random arrow wounds being reported in the D.C. metropolitan area.

37. Gas Station

Here’s a little-known fact: Mr. MacKaye is legally banned from every Sunoco in the contiguous United States. No member of the public knows why, and it’s literally the only thing he refuses to talk about in interviews, but according to a trusted source who requested to remain anonymous (fuck it, it was Guy Picciotto) his ass treated the tile in the restroom at the Marietta location like a power washer trying to get gum off a sidewalk, and apparently management has never forgiven him.

36. Private Investigator

This is like two steps outside of cop, so we know The Businessman’s not enthusiastic going in. He’ll certainly give it his best as a professional, but there’s no way he’s gonna be able to silently sift through a dumpster looking for evidence without causing enough commotion to alert every suspect in the vicinity that they’ve been made.

35. Tapas Restaurant

We can’t really see Mr. MacKaye going into this business with a whole lot of enthusiasm. He’s still a professional and he’ll give it his best, but at the end of the day he would absolutely hate this work – and you can’t serve croquettes that were made with hate.

34. Remote Controlled Car Kiosk at the Mall

Doesn’t this just look like fun? All you do all day is drive little toy cars around. Fun! Definitely not Mr. MacKaye’s cup of tea, everyone knows he gave up having fun in 1989.

33. Dude Ranch

Giddy up, giddy up, Mr. MacKaye! You’re gonna have to learn how to ride a horse and erect barbed wire fences real goddamn fast if you want half a shot at this business making any money.

32. Veterinary Clinic

Mr. MacKaye definitely gives off strong cat person energy. But regardless, his animal hospital would probably do pretty poorly. Somewhere between all of the complimentary pet care services for “the good of the Doberman scene” and the choice to invest in DIY fish penicillin, we don’t see this business making it more than a year.

31. Churro Stand

Running a churro stand is a surprisingly high-stress venture. You mean to say you want cinnamon AND powdered sugar on the same stick!? Go to hell – you’ve bankrupted The Businessman.

30. Karate Dojo

Yeah, maybe he can throw a punch – but you can tell he would definitely apologize to you afterward and that wasted time is really gonna eat into his bottom line on this one.

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Paternity Test Reveals which Rockabilly Artist is the Real Daddy-O

Posted on by Mike Maher

MEMPHIS, Tenn. — Members of rockabilly octet Eddie Mercury and the Cougars recently took a paternity test to determine who’s the real daddy-o of scene queen Darby Cash’s baby, sources close to the band confirmed.

“This bird claims I’m the daddy-o of her baby-o. But she got me pegged for some other cat, Kemosabe,” said lead singer and upright bassist Eddie Mercury. “Honestly, I don’t blame her. It could be any of The Cougars. I can’t even tell us apart sometimes. My hunch? When we were all hangin’ at the drive-in a few months ago, she hopped in the wrong T-Bird and played backseat bingo with a Coug she thought was me. Probably Randy Sandy. So why should I have to take a paternity test!? Tests are for squares! If I’m takin’ it, the whole band is too, ya dig?!”

Expecting mother Cash cried into her poodle skirt as she expressed frustration over Mercury’s side of the story.

”I don’t know what Eddie’s been rolling his cigs with lately but this kid is 100% his,” Cash claims. “We’ve been steadies since high school. He’s the only one I’ve ever made it with, no foolin’. This dimestore James Dean needs to stop playing dress up and start being a grown-up. We can’t support a family on my hairdressing tips and his occasional Elks Lodge gig. So now we are going to find out once and for all. And then he’s haulin’ ass to the dick doctor to get the snip snap. For someone who likes to burn rubber so much, maybe he should start wearing one.”

Dolores Peoples, a technician with Memphis DNA, was one of the clinicians on staff who helped determine the baby’s father.

“It was fucking weird,” said Peoples. “All these bowling-shirt-wearing clowns roll up in these old ass cars then jitterbug into the clinic while humming some doo-wop bullshit and snapping their fingers as they walked in a circle in the waiting room. The main dude drew blood for his DNA test with a switchblade. Another guy plucked a strand of hair from his stupid pompadour. Some jackass even put out his cigarette in a petri dish. Any way you slice it this kid is going to have a tough upbringing, and I’m not really sure you can install a baby car seat in a deuce coupe.”

At press time, Eddie Mercury and the Cougars were thumbing a ride home after local police towed their vehicles because they suspected the band organized an unsanctioned classic car show in the clinic parking lot.

Opinion: I’ll Use My PTO However I Damn Well Please, Pending Manager Approval of Course

Posted on by Alec Walker

So, I work at this awesome place. Free insurance that’s not accepted at any reputable health care provider, an excellent salary if I lived in Bangladesh, catered lunches that give me ulcers, and best of all, unlimited PTO whenever the hell I want! Well, so long as my manager approves it. Try to tell me that isn’t the good ol’ American dream at work!

Anyway, enough bragging. I really wanted to take some time off to go visit my sick mother who was mere inches from the reaper’s cold clutches of death, and nobody was gonna stop me! So, I requested off for a Friday afternoon 3 weeks from then to say my goodbyes. I didn’t hear back, which is totally understandable. I blindsided him! I should’ve known my mom’s cancer would progress more rapidly than expected and prepared for that.

When I called my actively disintegrating mother to tell her I wouldn’t make it to her deathbed because of work, she had some wise words for me that I’ll never forget. She said, “The grind never stops!” Then coughed up blood and died. She went out doing what she loved: dying of cancer, alone. Despite that, I was peeved! I was told I could use PTO whenever I want, and that turned out to not be accurate.

I emailed my manager a piece of my mind cause I don’t take no shit! I said, “How far in advance should I request PTO next time the most important person in my life dies? I just want to make sure I’m as courteous as possible so as to not inconvenience you. Thank you so much for everything you do.” Pretty ballsy, right? I was literally shaking as I hit send.

About 3 months later — long enough for my dad to also die —my manager finally got back to me. He ignored my question and said, “Who’s going to fill out the spreadsheets while you’re out having fun?” Right, again! That’s why he makes the big bucks. God, I wish I had the business acumen he has. Maybe I should take him up on one of his repeated, unsolicited sexual advances one of these days.

Well, lesson learned. Next time, I’m just gonna take the PTO. Right after I ask my manager.

Sunburned Ian MacKaye Wishes Someone Would Have Told Him That There Are Hats With Brims

Posted on by Ryan Danley

WASHINGTON — Legendary hardcore vocalist and sunburn victim Ian MacKaye reportedly became irritated with his friends and family for failing to alert him to more practical pieces of headwear, sources report.

“Me and Guy (Picciotto) were sitting on the porch of the Dischord house, enjoying some late summer sun and discussing how much money we left on the table with those $5 shows. When I went back inside my face was as red as the ‘13 Songs’ album cover. It turns out beanies offer no sun protection, and you think my so-called ‘friends’ might have mentioned this to me,” said a visibly frustrated MacKaye. “I did some internet research and it turns out they have been making hats with brims for hundreds of years and they would have perfectly shielded my face from damaging UV rays. But when I asked my friends why they left me in the dark the half-assed excuses began pouring out. They claimed we were busy writing long instrumental interludes. I told them I didn’t want to hear it! None of this bullshit!”

Long-time friend and former Häagen-Dazs ice cream shop co-worker, Henry Rollins, claims that Ian’s inner circle did attempt to tell him about proper hats.

“We told him. Many times. One time we we were taking one of our famed ‘Terror Walks’ to the Key Bridge, and I offered him my bucket hat so the back of his neck wouldn’t get so burned up, he looked straight at me and just said ’ You’re not what you own.’ I don’t even know what that means,” said a shirtless Rollins. “Listen, I understand that being a member of multiple seminal bands can give you an artistic tunnel vision. But you gotta be open to change like maybe it’s time to make a Fugazi shirt. It won’t destroy the ‘integrity of the scene,’ I promise!”

Dr. Johnny Dalton, Director of Entertainment Psychology at Oregon State Hospital, claims this event is more common than we realize.

“Like a baseball player walking up to the plate, many celebrated musicians too often succumb to routine. No matter how dangerous it becomes. Most recently we almost lost Lenny Kravitz to a brutal chafing incident as he was unaware you could wear a shirt underneath a leather jacket,” said a concerned Dr. Dalton.” I personally have suggested to Glen Danzig to give up the ‘Dude Who Sells You Homemade Speed’ look and to go back to the pompadour to no avail. But hey if he wants to continue to be the butt of memes jokes, ain’t my fucking problem. Now you gotta go. I have Metalica up next. Again.”

MacKaye was unavailable for further comment as he was busy simultaneously attending seven local D.C.-area punk shows.

Photo by David Shankbone.

From AlaSKA to NebraSKA (And Also Further East, but There Are No Good Puns): We Ranked the Best Ska Band in Every State

Posted on by Eric Navarro

Music in niche subgenres is often more diverse than credit is given. Each state has one or more scenes dedicated to continuing the traditions of these small, but beloved, genres. And just because your beloved genre’s tradition is to have people ironically dress in 3-piece suits while doing whacky dances in a 100-degree VFW hall, doesn’t mean your art isn’t valid. It’s funny. But it still has some merit, we promise.

Many of these ska scenes have a unique take or at least a tweak on the genre, leading to a deceptively diverse musical buffet to choose from. To the layman, all ska sounds the same. To a true student of the genre—a “ska-tistician” if you will—it’s much like jazz: the nuance is found in the puns they’re not making.

Well, the states and their scenes may be divided, but ska unites all through a sense of shared uncoolness. Since we’re not interested in what cool people care about, we ranked the best ska band in every state in America and ignored the international community because that’s what Americans do.

Alabama: Salvo/Pain

Is there anything more “local scene” than a band having two names because they were popular as both? This 14-thousand-piece ska band also did the song from “Jabberjaw” on Cartoon Network. They may not have rode the ’90s 3rd wave to mainstream success, but they will always be the reason we now know Alabama isn’t located in the Pacific Northwest.

Alaska: The Naked Men

Despite its name being perfectly suited for ska puns, Alaska is shockingly limited in its ska-lection of ska bands. Fortunately, the Naked Men are here to fill that hole. We bet this band was pissed when they went to name their band and found out “Polar Bear Club” was taken. And they’re not even a ska band! What a waste.

Arizona: 2 Tone Lizard Kings

Ska-n-Roll band “2 Tone Lizard Kings” brings a bluesy swing to the typically staccato genre. The music grooves with a sweaty swagger that says, “Ohhh look at me, I live in Arizoooona.” Arizona may be a dry heat but 2 Tone Lizard Kings are sure to bring some wet funk.

Arkansas: Fayetteville Ska Alliance

Yet another state with a built-in ska pun name and another state that required Googling to find a single ska band. The Fayetteville Ska Alliance is a Christmas-themed ska band and probably an official part of the Arkansas State Guard.

California: Reel Big Fish

This is quite an honor considering over 90% of ska music originated in California. Reggae too. Little known fact, the upstroke was invented by a high school sophomore in Orange County. But any true ska fan knows that without a doubt.

Colorado: Five Iron Frenzy

Everyone’s favorite Christian skankers, “Five Iron Frenzy,” are Colorado’s highest by a mile. Despite their overtly religious lyrics, ska fans of all denominations flock to FIF for their catchy, upbeat melodies. Their music videos make youth group actually look fun. Ya know, if you removed all that God stuff.

Connecticut: The Agonizers

For as much punk, hardcore, and easycore that New England produces, ska is slim pickins in Lobsterville. Even the Agonizers avoided having a horn section. It must be the temperature. Ska does not seem to thrive below 70 degrees.

Delaware: The Ol’ Dirty Brasstards

Delaware has a rich history of ska bands and it was really hard to choose just one to represent this ska-te (not a typo, that’s “ska” plus “state”). The Ol’ Dirty Brasstards are… okay, we admit it! We don’t know any ska bands from Delaware! We even resorted to searching “ska + delaware” on bandcamp after Google and Reddit failed us. If you know of a ska band from Delaware, tag them in the comments and tell them they need to be better about their SEO.

Florida: Less Than Jake

Firmly nestled in the base of America’s cock, Gainesville’s “Less Than Jake” is a legendary ska band who needs no introduction. Especially one so crude. They are among many incredible alternative bands from Florida such as Against Me!, A Day To Remember, and Yellowcard, but they stand alone as the kings of Floridska. (Keep ska alive. Pick up a Less Than Jake record in our store)

Georgia: The Taj Motel Trio

Georgia’s Taj Motel Trio proves that 3rd wave ska doesn’t need to come from New Jersey to sound like Streetlight Manifesto. Kidding of course, Streetlight Manifesto isn’t ska. Or are they? Check out New Jersey to find out.

Hawaii: Black Square

Black Square is one of the rare Hawaii ska bands to bring their sound to the mainland. While it may seem strange that this genre of island music is underrepresented on a literal island, it’s a clear sign that disgust for ska is consistent across all mainstream cultures. We must stand united!

Idaho: The Opskamatrists

Marching band horns? Check. Punny name? Check. This band is close enough for ska! Also, why did the ska musician’s mom hate his band? Idaho, AlaSKA!

*Update: She said it’s because they practice in her basement.

Illinois: Slapstick

Between Brendan Kelly and Dan Andriano (and to a lesser extent Peter Anna), Slapstick wound up a bonafide supergroup. They are an incredible addition from the golden era of 3rd wave ska. Though several band members later reported losing interest in the genre, Slapstick truly is the best “ska phase” captured on record.

Indiana: Johnny Socko

Indiana’s “Johnny Socko” will have you skanking faster than a car at the Indy 500. Lazy simile aside, it’s true. That’s just all we know about Indiana. They were also on Asian Man records at some point, which has been true about many of these obscure bands from even more obscure states.

Iowa: Iowaska

Okay, so this isn’t technically a ska band. This is a punk band signed to Alternative Tentacles. But just look at that name! We didn’t even check to see if they were from Iowa. They win this one sight unseen. (Slipknot could have also been considered on technicality)

Kansas: The Ray-Guns

If you thought the sunflower state couldn’t shine any brighter, the Ray-Guns are here (well, were here in 1998) to bring you some of the catchiest ska-punk Kansas has to offer.

Kentucky: Pimpslap

Pimpslap blends 3rd wave ska with Cheshire Cat-era Blink 182. “Pimp” was such a go-to funny word in the ’90s and it was used most often when a suburban, upper-middle-class person wanted to be ironic. What a time to be alive.

Louisiana: Bad Operation

Leading the New-tone charge, New Orleans’ Bad Operation continues to take the 4th wave in a sincere direction. Unlike many states, Louisiana has produced a solid number of ska bands. Maybe it’s their access to horns. Or the frequency of parades. (Pick up a Bad Operation record in our store today)

Maine: El Grande

El Grande is just your ol’ fashioned, lobster-catchin’ Maine ska band. Pretty typical of their breed. Little known fact, their band name came from the only two Spanish words that had made their way to Maine by the time the band formed in 2004.

Maryland: The Skunks

There’s just something special about island music written by people who consider Baltimore an island. The Chesapeake may not be Montego, but The Skunks provide the soundtrack to a perfect evening at Seacrets during Beach Week. I mean, technically SOJA is the perfect band for that kind of night, but they’re less “ska” and more “a band of rich white guys who named their band ‘Soldiers of Jah’s Army.’”

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