Milking the public domain for profit is nothing new, but Steamboat Willie becoming fair game has everyone tripping over themselves to exploit it for personal gain. Since that train has left the station, we’re looking forward to January 1, 2025 to see what IP copyrights are expiring so we can ruin or subvert them.
The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari
Martin Scorcese and asshole film school snobs love this influential silent horror film, and we can think of no better way to take the absolute piss out of them by rebooting it as an MCU knockoff where Doc trains zombie ninja assassins in post WW1 German. And if we can get Sony to produce it, there’s a 100% chance they’ll fuck it up.
The Skeleton Dance
Those vultures at Disney built their empire on public domain fairy tales, so once we get our hands on it we’re going to hold this little Halloween staple hostage and desecrate it until they pay us to get it back. We’re talking truly vile stuff like skeleton blood orgies, diatribes about how Hitler did nothing wrong, and replacing the music with Imagine Dragons. Bob Iger has 24 hours to pay or we’re coming for ALL the Silly Symphony cartoons.
The Sound and the Fury/A Farewell to Arms
We’re straight shitting on the legacies of two iconic authors for the price of one. Faulkner and Hemmingway hated each other in real life, so what better way to sully their rivalry than to reinvent their (arguably) best works and mash them together as a road trip buddy comedy through Italy about an ambulance driver and an idiot from Mississippi. Also, we’re going to drop that stream-of-consciousness crap and add a talking cat, Mister Meowsulini.
Little Nemo
If we’re being real there’s nothing about Little Nemo that we’d change, and it has nothing to do with its groundbreaking dream logic narrative and art style. Frankly it’s already tarnished by the character of Impie, arguably one of the most wildly racist caricatures ever conceived. If this kid dreams in bigotry, we don’t even want to know what his waking hours are like.
The Barcelona Chair
$3,000 for a fucking chair? Hell naw. And screw Barcelona, this will now be forever known as the Hard Times chair. We’ll charge $25, make it green, and add a shit ton of studs and zippers that stab the hell out of your ass, thighs, and back. Each one will be assembled in a poorly ventilated punk house basement by a squatter named Patches. Suck on that, you rich jackwads.
Alfred Hitchcock’s “Blackmail”
There’s actually a precedent for fucking up Hitchcock movies thanks to the completely unnecessary remake of Psycho that came out in 1998. We can go lower though, with another copy + paste job but with a cast of today’s most grating TikTok celebrities. Nothing like the words “starring Charlie D’Amelio” to shit on Hitchcock’s grave.
The Works of Frida Khalo
Hot damn are we going to exploit this one. Nothing says feminism like ruining her life’s work by plastering it all over shirts, stickers, coasters, and Stanley mugs. And why stop there when we can run “The Two Fridas” through an AI generator and add a third Frida, or better yet merge her paintings together and market them as new. Hang it in the Louvre!
Coming in dead last, “Bodom’s Midlife Crisis” would have been a better title, or better yet, “Bodom Till Midnight,” since it falls so short. This album seems full of recycled material that Bodom has done better in the past. Deep down we would like to think they were trying to recycle their “heavy metal” sound to do their part in combating climate change, which would be a noble endeavor. You’d rather find yourself with some strange campers than be caught listening to this album.
Second to last on both this listing and chronological discography, with a title just as uncool, you would at least hope that some chaos worship would bring for a glorious blaze of guitar theatrics and keyboards in the haze. And while there is chaos to be found here, it’s in the inconsistent songs, quality and overall vibe, that fail to capture the very magic of Lake Bodom in winter. The danger too.
A literal and figurative question at this point, since the Wildchild antics and general ennui had taken a toll on the band, but thankfully there are some good times on this album, courtesy of singles “Are You Dead Yet” and “Trashed, Lost and Strungout.” Plus, “Living Dead Beat” is an anthem for creatures of the night everywhere. Unfortunately, the rest of the album falls flat with mediocre songwriting and unimaginative hooks.
Owing more to thrash than to the typically symphonic and melodic side, this album delivers on its promise to get us whatever the hell blooddrunk is. Fun fact, the utterance of blooddrunk on the title track can be replaced with buttchug, and it fits perfectly fine to replace in a singalong at a metal kegger. Plus, there’s a banjo solo on this album, and who doesn’t want to get down with the sick twang of the ‘jo!
Children of Bodom’s debut album contained more of a raw, black metal-influenced sound, without the refined, polished songwriting of later releases. While the riff is the undisputed focal point of heavy metal, this album contains just too much riff salad for the discerning listener, and you don’t make friends with riff salad.
A return to glorious form and a fuck you to the flower power hairband of 2010s bro festival culture, “Halo of Blood” proved that there was more in the tank from the boys. Combining sounds from all over Bodom’s storied career, with songwriting to boot, and some of the most inspired leads since “Follow the Reaper,” it sounded as if Bodom were finding their way after several average outings.
The Final Chapter of the Bodom saga, the band goes down swinging with a swagger unseen since their prime, with fresh axeman Danie Freyberg providing arguably the best counterpoint to the maestro since Alex Kuppola (sorry Roope, it’s not you, but also, it’s you). Plus, the entire band is on full display, with keyboard wizard Janne Wirrman being on point as always, basslines forged by Henkka T. “Blacksmith” Seppala, and ole reliable drummer Jaska Raatikinen bringing their A+ game. Truly, the band is on full display, no songs that dismay, living proof of their fame, and as Mike Shinoda would say, a reason to remember the name.
When the opening notes hit like a bunch of needles, directly thrust into your skin, you just know this is the stroke of genius. Not only had Alexi and co. not just popularize shredding for the next generation, but also tattoos, as millions across the globe would try in vain to capture the static, but beautiful attack of Bodom. Blistering guitars, melodic keyboards, rhythming rhythm section, this beauty’s got ‘em all.
Don’t let the title fool you, there is so much love to give to this album, and so much more if you share it with a friend. This is the record where Bodom found their sound and perfected it, allegedly by hiking through the Swedish Woods instead of the Norwegian woods, hence the toning down of the black metal influences. What’s left is moody, melodic and shreddy metal that would influence a generation of guitarists and nail polish enthusiasts.
Since the very title of this album is a call to arms, you answer, or the reaper will presumably get you, and in your undead state, you would be forced to Follow the Reaper regardless. This album almost made the band change their name from Children of Bodom, to Adults of Bodom, due to its sheer quality, but it doesn’t have that ring to it. Rumour has it that Michael Fassbender based his performance in the perfection meme on his reaction to hearing this album. Soooo metal that scientists have yet to classify it.
What the H-E-double FUCK what this movie about? It was just a bunch of people wandering around a dusty old hotel and like… thinking about stuff. Do you even realize how boring this is? You could have the perfect setup. Sweet-ass love triangle about Gal Gadot, Ryan Reynolds and Vin Diesel staying at the same hotel, and then… giant robots attack and try and blow up the place. And they escape through the basement which is also a rocketship. How sick would that be?
Are you serious? Are you so serious right now? This was unbelievable! The “Godzilla” movies are like my favorite things in the world. He’s the King of Monsters. He fights King Kong. He’s amazing! but this movie is just a bunch of scientists sitting around talking about how sad they are. Next thing you’ll be telling me there’s a “King Kong” film that’s old and cheesy and black and white. Thank God they fixed all that in the ‘98 remake.
So much wasted potential here in another movie about some maid who just stands around being sad. I know this movie’s about racism. I’ve seen movies like it. I’ve seen “The Help.” But this movie could’ve been like a really sick, slasher thriller. Eventually, this lady should’ve gotten fed up, said “I’m not gonna talk French anymore,” and took a kitchen knife and slashed that family up. Like this could’ve been Jason-core, straight up.
Speaking of horror… more like speaking of snore. How can a movie this short be this boring. This is the story of a lady who’s mad that her husband cares more about hunting than her (probably because she won’t stop yapping at him) and so she turns herself into a vampire reindeer and starts eating all the men in the village. And not in a fun way. Imagine how could this could’ve been if they’d really gone all out on like the vampires vs. vampire-hunters. It could’ve been like “Blade” or even better, “Van Helsing.”
Don’t start with me on this one. I know they were technically speaking English in this film, but Australia is like England’s Quebec. I couldn’t make out a single word of what they were saying. Plus, like… this is clearly a movie where they… I don’t know… forgot to end it. Like WTF? Did they run out of money? I mean, first of all, those girls were clearly snatched up by aliens. So let me ask you this… why don’t we remake this… and instead of ending the story way too early, you get the Rock to go up into space, kick some alien butt and save those girls? Too easy. Billion dollars opening weekend guaranteed.
This was one that I watched because this girl wouldn’t stop talking about it. Normally when girls are always on about animated films, it’s like some big-eyed Pixar B.S., but this was even worse. I would’ve sat through “Wall-E” a hundred times before I watched this. The plot made no sense, the animation was wayyyyy too all over the place, and they were speaking Spanish and German. Two languages I don’t speak a lick of. Made no sense. She should’ve gotten a gun and shot the wolf down. Then she and the pigs should’ve become bounty hunters. Would’ve been sweet. You could do it all sick and bloody like that animated flashback scene from “Kill Bill.”
BRRRRROOOOOO! Like, literally, just leave. Just leave the house, bro. Just have them leave the house. Like, was this made for no money? I kept waiting for the moment when the bad guy was gonna show up. They said this movie was gonna be about someone called the “exterminating angel,” but there wasn’t an angel and no one got exterminated. Sucked. My pitch is, do away with the plot entirely, except have it be about this supervillain who can freeze people in place. You could probably do a whole cinematic universe about that. Maybe he could be a new villain for Daredevil to fight.
This movie is supposed to be about knights. There wasn’t even a single medieval set piece. Nobody ever fought a dragon or an orc or a dark wizard or anything. When I read the plot summary on IMDb, it said it was about a knight trying to play a game of chess with the Grim Reaper so he doesn’t die. That’s a cool premise, straight up. I mean chess is boring, but at least that’s a plot. But there’s barely any time spent on the chess game. So stupid. What it should be is like a literal chase. Whole movie should’ve been like “Mad Max: Fury Road.” Seriously, “Fury Road” is like the greatest movie ever made. It’s like high art. “Furiosa” is gonna clean sweep the Oscars, dude. Seriously.
Y’all are just trying to piss me off at this point. Not only is this movie boring AF, all the important stuff is like… not in it. Nothing happens, except people talk about stuff happening. It’s basically a play. And the only play I’ve ever seen is “Cats” and that gave me weird feelings when they all started crawling out over the audience. I don’t know what to do with this film other than the fact that the father/daughter relationship is really big here. Gotta be a cool daddy/daughter action flick in that. Maybe with ninjas.
UUUUUUUGH! These guys over at A24 are just killing me lately. This is a movie that ends where a good movie should begin. It’s got the perfect set-up. This gross ram-guy comes out of the woods, shoots this lady’s husband and steals her lamb/human baby. That’s not an ending. That’s the set-up to the next “John Wick” movie.
Everybody’s all hot and crazy for this Yorgos Lanthimos dude lately. I don’t get it. I saw “Poor Things.” They brought Emma Stone back from the dead and she didn’t even get superpowers. And this movie… it’s about these parents who are basically raising their kids in a cult to never leave the house. So much you could do with that. The kids could plot their escape “Shawshank” style. Or at the very least, there could be a final fight between the Dad and the kids. Something!
Man, Billy Idol must be a lot more pretentious than I thought he was if he was willing to name a song after this thing. This could’ve been an amazing film. Like this is a story about a dude cutting peoples’ faces off to try and graft them onto his daughter. That could’ve been like something out of the greatest movie ever… “Hostel: Part II,” but instead it’s just more Frenchies whining.
I’ve literally never wished I was watching future Best Picture winner “The Flash” more than when I was watching this movie. “Where Is the Friend’s House?” (dumb title, by the way) is just about this stupid kid walking around trying to return a notebook. Imagine how great this would be if he could run fast. He’d probably arrive at the house in time to save his friend from violent home invaders. That’s like primal stuff. Pretty cool if ya ask me.
Oh my God… make up your mind. Not only did this movie decide it needed to be three hours long – I could’ve literally watched three “Game of Thrones” episodes in that time – the plot was complete gibberish. First it was this bit about hair, then it was this weird long bit in the snow. I thought it was setting up character arcs like “Oceans 11” but then it kept going. Eventually it got to this big battle scene and I thought finally. But then that just became this story about this musician guy. And it kept going. And guess what, the main guy – Kwaidan – he never showed up. Not one of the guys in the movie was Kwaidan. They should remake just the part with the battle, but as like a super cool sequel to “The Last Samurai.” Tom Cruise could definitely play Kwaidan.
I genuinely couldn’t believe this movie won Best Picture. Like… genuinely. You know what should’ve won best picture? “Avatar.” Okay, you know what should’ve won? “Endgame.” Greatest movie of all time. You know what? I’m just gonna say it… “Way of Water” and “Top Gun: Maverick” should’ve both won last year. They should’ve gotten to split the Oscar. Those are real movies. Not this. My girlfriend at the time said it was a thriller. Thrillers have explosions. Where were the explosions? You know what, though? It’s gonna be fine. “Sound of Freedom” is gonna win this year. That movie brought me to tears.
Oh Lord, not singing. Anything but singing. I went into this film being told it was a really cool movie about computer hackers and telekinesis. That’s dope. That’s like “Blackhat” meets “Firestarter.” I was actually really excited for this one. And then… then the singing started. You know what I found out after? That Lin-Manuel Miranda dude who did like “Hamilton” and other stuff… yeah, he produced this. Take out the singing and we’ll talk.
I was really stoked for this movie. Granted, I read nothing about it, but I was still stoked. Based on the title alone, I figured it was gonna be like a ghost story about a family being haunted by a literal headless woman. And then it turned into this hit and run drama, so I thought… okay cool, it’ll be like a police procedural. And then it wasn’t. So much wasted potential. Hollywood, take notes, this is the perfect chance to do a movie where a little ghost boy decapitates the lady who ran him over.
I love spy movies. I’ve seen all the recent James Bond films multiple times. So imagine how excited I was to hear about a movie where this KGB dude was spying on people. I thought it was gonna be epic, lots of chase scenes and shootouts. Like “Atomic Blonde” but… you know, better. Maybe I should make films. I could totally make those films. How much could it cost, anyway? Like, not as much as “Endgame.” Probably not even as much as “Age of Ultron.”
How is it possible the only interesting scene in this movie is where that Mike Pence-looking dude with the hands chases after that girl scout? And like seriously… why don’t we know more about these monsters? This thing could’ve been its own cinematic universe. Like, I wanted to know everything. I wanted to know the mom’s backstory. The stepdad’s backstory. I wanted to see more of the rebels. I wanted to see the little girl running the kingdom with her Mom and Dad. So much wasted sequel potential here. Really tragic.
Look, don’t get me wrong, I love a good courtroom thriller. In fact, “Bee Movie” is one of my favorite films. But this? What even was this? It couldn’t decide what story it wanted to tell, so it needed to tell the same story four times? Nah. Pass. Plus, this movie made my girlfriend and me get into a huge fight. She says I talked all the way through it, but I genuinely don’t remember that.
I’m genuinely pissed off about this one. The girl I was with at the time (same one I watched “Rashomon” with) she flat out lied and told me this was a Japanese remake of the movie “Drive.” And she knows that’s one of my favorite movies. Ryan Gosling is literally me in that. Instead, I got a confusing three hours of people talking about Chekhov, the guy from “Star Trek.” And they never even watched “Star Trek.” What a waste. I would’ve rather watched three hours of car crash videos.
I actually really tried with this one. People were calling me a dumb, stupid idiot. They said I had no culture. I went down to the library, I told the librarian “I want something exciting, but also foreign and old.” She gave me “M.” Apparently this was supposed to be the first-ever police procedural. But there was barely any police work. When there were police, the movie just made them look stupid. Imagine how cool this could be with Jason Statham. He’d be like: “Oy! Come ‘ere you fuckin’ kiddy-diddler!” And then he’d beat the guy to a pulp. Good shit.
See, I’m a big fan of James Cameron. Not sure if you know this, but he directed “Way of Water,” a film that has had colossal cultural influence. He also directed “Aliens,” which is the best movie in the “Alien” franchise. My man can’t miss. You should never bet against box office Jim. That’s why I think he should remake this film, except he should make like a sci-fi action horror film about a shape-shifting alien hunting the crew of a ship. That’d make a billion at the box office, easy. Probably win Best Picture.
Figures the “Exterminating Angel” guy did this. Like what, was that one not weird enough for you? You had to make another super weird, super-nonsense film about rich dudes having a dinner party. I will say, I was interested in this film at first because I thought it was gonna be about cocaine smuggling and assassination attempts. I actually liked those bits. But the rest of this was just complete nowheresville.
If there’s one thing I know, it’s that vampires were ruined by the “Twilight” movies. And this is clearly just a part of that trend. It’s a movie about some weepy teenage girl and her vampire obsession. Like, give me a break. See, this is why Universal never should’ve abandoned the Dark Universe. We need vampires to be cool and macho again. Although, seriously, NGL… the de-aged Grandma was a straight-up baddy.
“You’ll definitely like this one,” the librarian told me. “It’s just like ‘Blade Runner.’” Yeah, or not. Not only was this a foreign film, it was a silent film. Silent. No dialogue. Which don’t get me wrong, I hate when movies have a lot of talking in them, but this is ridiculous. Now don’t get me wrong, I didn’t hate this film as much as a lot of the others, but it still wasn’t very interesting. They should’ve at least had the robot try and detonate a nuke or something. Like “Age of Ultron” is definitely the weakest “Avengers” movie, but at least it’s more interesting than this.
I’ll admit it. I watched “Mulholland Dr.” And I did that mainly because I heard you got to see naked Naomi Watts in it. I didn’t like haaaaaate that movie, so when I heard about this one, I was willing to give it a shot. And I’ll admit, out of all of the ones we’ve talked about so far, this is actually maybe the most interesting. I mean, it’s still fucking weird, but like… I kinda got this one. Honestly, what pissed me off was the ten minutes of just nonsense images that played at the start of the film. Like bro, if you need to pad out your movie so bad, just put in a sex scene.
I… did I… like this film? I think I might’ve. “Breathless” is the story of this petty criminal who kills a cop and then hides out at his girlfriend’s place. And despite all the… you know… Frenchiness of it, this had everything I was looking for. Pretty ladies, cool dudes, gunfire. This movie would be perfect for an American remake, and I think it should star Ryan Gosling, because just like in “Drive,” he would be literally me.
Like “This is Spinal Tap” but about a dictator. Like I’ll admit, I found it a little bit far-fetched, but as far as mockumentaries go, this one was actually pretty good. And it was in English, thankfully. It’s a bit of a far-fetched premise, I think, and definitely shows its age with some of the jokes, but it was nice to have a comedy on here. Unfortunately, I got into a fight with the people I was watching this with, because they were like super convinced this was all real. But jokes on them, they don’t make mockumentaries about real things. Idiots.
Alright. Now this… this right here. This is the movie that pissed me off the most. This movie is about some dude whose bike gets stolen and he and his son wander around all day like a couple of jackasses trying to find it. And guess what… they don’t. I mean, what a waste. If I’d made this movie, I would’ve had it end with the main characters tracking down and infiltrating an evil syndicate of bicycle thieves. Definitely I would’ve had a high-speed chase on bikes as a climactic point. And in the lead role, you know I’d cast the absolute GOAT Chris Pratt.
