BALTIMORE — Local punk Ricky Turnbull disavowed disgraced pop punk band Finisher’s Medal by covering their once-prominent patch on his jacket with a slightly larger one bearing a less problematic band’s logo, sources preparing a defamation lawsuit report.
“Look, the allegations against Finisher’s Medal are horrifying, but I stand by my handiwork,” Turnbull said while bandaging his fingers. “I’m not taking a seam ripper to that shit. I don’t even have a seam ripper. My local Michael’s hasn’t had them in stock for weeks and I’m not caving to the fascists at Hobby Lobby. Supporting the local scene is always the best move, especially when a band’s name alone has enough characters to cover my old patch. We’re all just trying to survive out here.”
Turnbull’s roommate Mike Weathers, on the other hand, criticized the cover-up as performative and poorly stitched.
“Ricky technically still wears his Finisher’s Medal patch, so he never actually turned on them,” Weathers said while taking a seam ripper to another canceled band’s merchandise. “Mark my words, as soon as those assholes win their defamation suit, his new patch is going to fall right off if it hasn’t already. I’m not buying his excuses about the seam ripper either. True punks don’t buy seam rippers. We shoplift them from Hobby Lobby the way God intended.”
Guitarist and merch expert Sophie Wilson, who sold Turbull his conveniently-sized new patch, encourages more bands to release larger patches for fans in need of cover-ups.
“Studies of my sales show that whenever a band gets canceled, I make money,” Wilson said while counting dollar bills. “We rake in even more cash when it’s cold out and people have no choice but to wear their jackets to shows. It can be hard to choose between dying of frostbite or having an awkward conversation about how you’re wearing a canceled band’s patch, but buying a brand new patch from me will fix that. Well, not a Brand New patch. My band is called Mary Shelley Duvall and we’ve never done anything wrong.”
At press time, sources spotted Turnbull scouring merch tables for an even larger patch after learning members of Mary Shelley Duvall allegedly went to Starbucks in secret.
Photo by Mac McCarthy.
Seal’s blockbuster song known as “Kiss from a Rose” is likely the most successful tune here, and as you know, the more popular a track is, the better it is. Naturally. Also, we have no idea who the music supervisor was on this Jim Carrey flick, but the fact that Sunny Day Real Estate has a song here is not lost on us and we are happy to find it every hour on the hour. Add in some The Flaming Lips, Nick Cave, The Offspring, and PJ Harvey and you have a sonically diverse mid-’90s soundtrack that somehow makes sense with a white tank top over baggy jeans with a random yet dated patch on one buttcheek. Hold us, thrill us, kiss us, but please, don’t kill us.
Unless you lived under a crow’s nest in BFE in 1994, you likely know about Brandon Lee’s disturbing fate on the set for this film, but possibly spent more hours enjoying the soundtrack to “The Crow” than the movie itself, which no one literate or illiterate would fault you for. “The Crow: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack” debuted at number one on the Billboard charts, an impressive feat for both standard LPs and soundtracks alike, and has sold over three million copies domestically. In addition, blockbuster acts like Nine Inch Nails, Stone Temple Pilots, and The Cure have standout tracks on this CD (remember those?) and an li’l act that was about to blow up named Rage Against the Machine is also featured; Reel Big Fish is NOT. Cover songs are F-U-N!
A plethora of films have soundtracks, but not that many have sequels to such, and there’s just ONE “Dazed and Confused”! Not only did Richard Linklater’s throwback classic have a cast that few films could rival in any way, shape, or form, but its first soundtrack featuring Alice Cooper, The Runaways, ZZ Top, Black Sabbath, and so many more rock and roll for your party and your soul icons, is for your deadbeat dad who made just one child support payment, perpetually stoned regardless of the time of day second cousin Albie, and your nascent yet nostalgic AM radio loving hearts. Rumor has it that approximately ten percent of the film’s budget was previously set aside for music rights, showcasing that the creators wanted authenticity. That’s what we love about soundtracks, man, we keep getting older but they stay the same age.
Speaking of classic rock and music, we don’t understand why “Forrest Gump: The Soundtrack” doesn’t get mentioned with the same gold medal reverence as critical and social darlings “Saturday Night Fever” or “The Big Chill,” but it may be because stupid is as stupid does, Jenny. Regardless of which social global blunder caused this cataclysmic omission, this soundtrack is so good it was on not one, but TWO freaking compact discs, and told a chronological story in music form that was just as good, if not better than, the actual movie. From Elvis Presley to Creedence Clearwater Revival to The Mamas & the Papas to The 5th Dimension, the audio listener grew as Forrest lived his incredible and unbelievable life. What’s even more wild and mind-numbing about this whole shebang is that the movie is now THIRTY years old, making it a classic form of art as well; we’re old.
If you were cognizant in 1993, you likely missed this flick, as even many in its cast did, but the cool kids DEFINITELY heard its genre blending soundtrack, and could NOT avoid reading about it in inferior publications trying so damn hard to be uber edgy and super cool. Trust us, bro, the marketing on this one was pristine, perfect, persuasive, and another POSITIVE adjective starting with the letter “P”! Anyway, Immortal/Epic Soundtrax were certainly ahead of their time with this one as the eleven songs on “Judgment Night” were all fun collabs between modern acts in the rock world and established rappers in the hip-hop lexicon: Notable songs come courtesy delivered from Helmet/House of Pain, Biohazard/Onyx, Slayer/Ice-T, and Britney Spears/NWA. The soundtrack eventually went Gold which stood out as the movie got globally panned and was not profitable… JUST ANOTHER VICTIM!
Before reading the pulp section of this piece, you may desire to scold us for this LP seemingly being incorrectly alphabetized, but you’re wrong, as we are sticklers for both smugness and accuracy, so just sit in your mis ir lou and jungle boogie the hell home if you’ve got one. Likely your favorite soundtrack here, and certainly from our second or most favorite movie mentioned, “Music from the Motion Picture Pulp Fiction” was a welcomed retro and cinematic surfy throwback for audiences of all ages in 1994 even if the movie was inappropriate for those under legal smoking age. Audiences across the globe ate both this film, and soundtrack up, proving that Quentin Tarantino sure knows how to write/direct a fantastic film, and most certainly how to curate a badass soundtrack, that’s for damn sure!
If you thought that “Pulp Fiction” was a little dark, let’s go to an even more messed up place, fam, and dive into “Natural Born Killers.” Released on Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails’ Nothing Records, which was a subsidiary of Interscope Records, it not only had a narcissistic album title, but it was a seventy-five-plus minute journey that left the listener soaked in blood and sweat, much like its motion picture. Acts not named Nine Inch Nails on this soundtrack include Cowboy Junkies, Patti Smith, L7, and Tha Dogg Pound, and normally you’d assume that we are joking about the last inclusion, as we are sneaky little devils, but we are not here, we swear! It’s still quite hard to believe that Juliette Lewis was only twenty-one years old when this movie hit theaters and she licked.
As grunge slouched in seemingly effortless style and took over the world of rock music in the early-’90s, it found a way to infect the cinemas then as well with the movie “Singles,” and its objectively and subjectively perfect soundtrack, the appropriately titled “Singles: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack.” Much like “Judgment Night” above, which came out just one year later, the suited folks at Epic Soundtrax were on quite a roll around this time, and they showcased their gumption over the course of this soundtrack’s hour plus duration in thirteen tracks: Soundgarden, Pearl Jam, The Smashing Pumpkins and even The Jimi Hendrix Experience were just some of the highlighted artists here. You can nostalgically smell the flannel as soon as you drop the needle down on your player, and the ghosts of Chris Cornell and Andrew Wood will sing to you till you can’t handle their greatness anymore.
Fun fact: “Wayne’s World,” and particularly its off-the-wall now classic car scene wherein various characters “sing” and rock out to Freddie Mercury, Brian May, Roger Taylor, and John Deacon’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” successfully made a 1975 hit even bigger seventeen years later, so thanks, Wayne, Garth, and the Mirthmobile. Much respect, y’all. Queen wasn’t the only legacy act that got a boost because of this soundtrack as well, as Alice Cooper, who also appeared via a short and sweet moment in the film, was exposed to a younger audience as well; we’re not worthy indeed. To this day, “Wayne’s World” has quite a legacy in that it is the highest grossing Saturday Night Live film to be based on a sketch, and likely will be forever, AND it had countless poor imitators, none of which we will highlight here because we don’t want to further contribute to a problem.
Let’s end this piece with the most recent movie film referenced, which is actually based on text from several centuries earlier: “William Shakespeare’s Romeo + Juliet,” complete with a plus sign. We hope that you love us, love us, and say that you love us because we didn’t omit the one containing the dude from “Growing Pains” and one of the gals from “How to Make an American Quilt,” and if you don’t, maybe box office superstar M. Emmet Walsh will inspire a happy and fulfilled belly. Anyway, this film featured The Bard in extremely cinematically ambitious and avant garde form, and its soundtrack showcased the underrated act that we alluded to known as The Cardigans, along with tracks by Garbage, Des’ree, the brilliantly named The Butthole Surfers, and the awfully monikered The Pee Pee Hole Skateboarders. Young hearts run free, and even out of touch old heads dug this soundtrack!