Opinion: If I Got Pulled Over Right Now I’m Pretty Sure I Could Sex My Way Out of It

Posted on by James Knapp

Okay, let’s just access the situation here. I’ve had thirty beers, I do not know where my license is, this car has no functioning lights… and it’s stolen.

Also, I’m hot. Yep. I think I’m good.

Any cop who thinks they’re gonna stop me is gonna have to overcome my undeniable erotic magnitude before they even consider taking me to the big house. Coincidentally, “The Big House” is also what I call that velvet lined Jacuzzi tub in my basement.

Actually, I should probably get some baby-making music playing on the car radio just in case. Safety first!

Hell, it’s not like this is the first time I’ve used my raw sexual congeniality to my advantage. Like the time I flashed my dong at that bouncer to get into the Rusted Root concert. Granted, it didn’t work and I was thoroughly tazed in the scrotum, but as long as the cop who stops me is cool with me hanging a hard four and a half inches then I got nothing to worry about.

I don’t know why this car doesn’t have seat belts. I mean beggars can’t be choosers but seriously this seems like a major design flaw. Whoops! Totally missed that stop sign. Okay, eyes on the prize. Cop sex! Let’s get it!

You know, maybe it’s this kind of thinking that’s the reason I keep having to go to traffic court all the time. And divorce court. That judge must be a eunuch or something — not once has my patented fan dance worked on him.

Maybe I’m going about this all wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t shotgun three boxes of Franzia every night, hop a fence, hot-wire a hearse from the impound lot and then rely on the pure spherical perfection of my balls to get out of the ensuing legal bedlam. Maybe I should…

Fuck! There’s the cops. Whatever, I’ll self-actualize later. Right now I just gotta throw some rouge on my taint and hope this cop is cool with the sloppiest foot-job they’ve ever gotten.

Hey, it’s worked before. In Florida. Twice.

Punk House Refrigerator Transforms Kraft Single Into Decadent Blue Cheese In Minutes

Posted on by Kevin Tit

BALTIMORE — The refrigerator in a local punk house has garnered attention after it transformed a Kraft single into a slice of decadent blue cheese within literal minutes, flabbergasted residents confirm.

“It was the craziest thing I’ve ever seen, and that’s saying something because I once watched a raccoon front a grindcore band,” said the newest member of the house, Fernando Maggs. “I stopped by the dumpster behind the local Burger Palace on my way home from work and there was a pristine Kraft single still encased in plastic sitting on top. I brought it home thinking I could make a killer cheese sandwich with the two Ritz crackers I found under the couch the day before. So, I got home, put it away in the kitchen refrigerator for like two minutes while I changed my clothes, and when I got back, the cheese had evolved into something completely different.”

The remarkable yet puzzling evolution of the fromage caught the attention of cheese experts all across the country.

“I’ve written and read a lot of stories on the topic of cheese over the years but this is one of the most amazing things I’ve ever had the fortune to cover,” said Cheese Connoisseur Magazine’s editor-in-chief, Ted Partridge. “The specimen from their fridge mimics that of the Rogue River Blue. It’s quite astonishing because this is a highly regarded, top-of-the-line Oregon cheese that normally takes nine to eleven months to cultivate. This refrigerator did it in mere minutes. A truly baffling and fucking disgusting phenomenon.”

While the chain of events has the world of fromage jumping with excitement, others living in the house are more or less at a loss for words about the whole thing.

“I’m honestly more surprised that someone used the refrigerator. It’s definitely more of an oven at this point,” explained senior resident of the house Kelly Snakebite. “That thing stopped working at least two years ago. I guess one of us should have told Fernando but we all kind of assumed that the combination of extreme heat and foul rotting odor that comes from opening that door would have been enough. Regardless, since this discovery, that fridge has been turned into some sort of weird scientific cheese farm.”

At press time, Fernando was seen selling his brand of “Freak Cheese” at the weekend Farmers Market.

Diabolical Man Forces Girlfriend to Decide Between Public Humiliation or Legal Union

Posted on by Shea Strauss

NOBLESVILLE, Ind. — Local man Noam Lane’s “over-the-top” proposal gave his long-term girlfriend no choice but to decide whether she should enter into a legally binding life-long commitment to him or embarrass both of them in front of close friends and family, several repulsed bystanders confirmed.

“Noam and I were at brunch at the spot we had our first date and I knew something was up. When I saw the flash mob wearing masks of my face dancing to a Bowie song we both like I was praying for an earthquake or lightning strike to put an end to it,” said attempted-fiancée Alexandra Zola. “I thought our relationship was built on a foundation of communication and trust, but he just sprung this huge decision on me out of nowhere, with no regard for privacy. If we won’t talk about our finances in front of my best friend, why would we life-plan in front of most of my extended family?”

A source involved in the planning says that the grand gesture had been in the world for almost six months,

“We had been workshopping ideas for a while and ultimately decided on a flyover from the Blue Angels. It turns out that they charge way too much money, so Plan B was the dance. We even had Alex’s grandma taken out of hospice care to witness it,” said longtime friend Arnie Linscomb. “We realized things were going south when she stood up and tried sprinting towards the exit. Thankfully a quick-thinking line cook tackled her before she got to the door. I don’t think she was crying tears of joy, this may have been a miscalculation.”

Relationship expert Robyn Ray often warns couples to avoid public proposals.

“Media can warp our perceptions of healthy relationships,” said Ray. “Even though shows like ‘The Bachelor’ feature surprise proposals, they aren’t realistic. Couples should communicate long-term plans with each other. If there is tension in the relationship you should work it out through therapy, not by proposing to someone on the Jumbotron at a Pacers game.”

At press time, Lane was seen begging a local shelter to take back the 15 puppies he had adopted which he planned on presenting to Lane upon returning to their one-bedroom apartment.

Kids Finally Decide To Have “Don’t Believe Everything You Read Online” Conversation With Parents

Posted on by James Webster

ST. LOUIS — Frustrated siblings, Andrea and Nino Shore, finally decided that it was time to sit their aging parents down and give the exact same talk that their parents had given them twenty years ago, sources close to the family confirmed.

“We should have set better parental controls so our aging parents didn’t have unlimited access to such toxic rhetoric,” said Andrea, scrolling through the search history on her mother’s iPad. “This woman sat the two of us down in the kitchen when we were like nine, and said ‘you can’t trust anything you read on the internet.’ She wouldn’t even let us use Wikipedia for school projects because ‘anyone can say anything,’ but here she is spending an afternoon on CowboyGazette.com reading about how Matt Cartwright is actually a distant relative of Leon Trotsky. I guarantee she doesn’t know who either of those people are.”

Her sibling’s outlook on the situation was equally as grim.

“We have to say something to them,” said Nino, while trying to save the hard drive on her parents’ Compaq computer which had been corrupted by malware. “I think the internet really did break a lot of people’s brains a little bit. If you didn’t grow up with it like we did, gradually getting used to it, it’s probably really dangerous to just jump in the deep end. Doctors used to prescribe heroin to cure headaches and shit like that, it’s no different than mom spending nine hours a day on Facebook. We need to sit them down and have a reasonable conversation about the responsible use of technology before they end up burning down a library because book sharing is ‘socialist’ or something.”

Experts confirmed that this is an increasingly common phenomenon.

“It’s definitely been on the upswing in recent years,” said psychologist Maria Ocampo. “You’ve got an aging population that’s been outpaced by technology. It’s a scary new world and they’re looking for someone to blame for it, never mind that it’s people their age who fucked everything up in the first place. I think this is the new normal. Sometimes you just have to gently remind your aging loved ones what reality is like. For example: nobody is putting mind-control chemicals in the water supply, they’re sending them through your television.”

At press time Andrea and Nino were making emergency phone calls to their respective therapists after stumbling upon their father’s X-rated search history.

Why I’m Scattering My Dads Ashes at SopranosCon

Posted on by Dan Luberto

Loss is hard. Whether it’s a loved one, a dear friend, or someone barely in the periphery of your life who you’re dying vicariously through, with loss, there is always a primal desire for one more day with your loved one. But that day is not about you. It’s for them. Which is exactly why I’m scattering my dad’s ashes at SopranosCon.

Bada bing! Right in the heart of the beautiful Atlantic City New Jersey Convention Center is where I intend to scatter my father’s ashes and hope his soul can finally find peace.

Not to mention, since dad passed my siblings and I have felt strained and detached from one another. Maybe a day at Sop-Con will bring us back together. God, Dad loved the Sopranos so much. I rarely saw the man smile except when Pauly Walnuts or Big Pussy were on that TV screen crackin’ wise. Which is why I don’t care what the rest of my family thinks, these ashes are getting scattered all over that hotel floor.

Watching The Sopranos was a way of life for my dad. It made him feel proud to be an Italian American from the Garden State. So much so that he never let the fact he was only an eighth Italian stop him. Just like I never let the fact that stealing his urn was a crime stop me from scooping this bad boy up mid-service.

I don’t know how or when, but it’s happening. I think Michael Imperioli will be there doing a Q&A live podcast recording! Should I ask him to help me? Should I get up on the stage and throw the ashes into the crowd?

Maybe I’ll hold the urn during all the sweet photo ops I’ll have with Dominic Chianese and the like. Hey, maybe my story will get me some free Vinnie Pastore sauce too!

I feel like I really got an “in” here. I could be a part of Sopranos history! I’m really excited to spend this weekend enjoying the VIP Deluxe Suite Family Package I used my dad’s life insurance to splurge on. All in the spirit of honoring my pop, of course.

Even though nothing will ever bring dad back, this memory will dull the constant pain of knowing my negligence may be the reason dad is no longer with us. But since that’s not something I’m ready to process yet, fuggedaboutit!

Wedding Band Asked to Move Merch Table From Dance Floor

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

NASHVILLE — The newly married Taylor family is disgusted by a shameless act of self-promotion exhibited by the wedding band after they set up a merch table in the middle of the dance floor, confused sources confirmed.

“I don’t know what the big deal is,” said Big C and the Minor D’s frontman Chet Haley-Briggs. “A plate of food for each member, a couple intermissions, and a spot for our merch table to promote our business is right here in the contract. The wedding industry is cutthroat, and we have to stay on top of our game. We do all of our own sound, we are punctual, and our set is tight. We even played all of their requests, and God knows nobody needs to hear ‘Blinding Lights’ more than four times in a single sitting.”

Gary Chisholm, the father of the bride, recalled different terms being negotiated upon booking the band.

“We were expecting a little table off to the side with business cards for their band. I get it, the band has to promote themselves, and they’re actually quite good,” said Chisholm. “The problem is that we had kids chicken dancing around T-shirts for a band called ‘Corpse Fucker,’ and I nearly slipped on a stack of stickers that said SEXFUNK on them while I was dancing with my daughter. I don’t even know what the hell that means.”

Kendra Jeffries, an experienced wedding planner who is no stranger to self-promotion, offered suggestions for improving brand awareness at such events.

“The big mistake they made was putting the table front and center like that,” Jeffries said. “I’ve got an Etsy, I’m a life coach, and I’m a notary. The key is to find your audience, and sneak the information to them. For example, I have my business card taped to the bottom of every coaster, and I put my OnlyFans handle in all of the restrooms. I can’t be certain, but I’m guessing none of the 300 guests present at that wedding are the right consumers for pushing $1 zines about making pipe bombs.”

At press time, Haley-Briggs was making changes to an “appeteasers” clause written into the contract for an upcoming Bat Mitzvah.

Review: Crimpshrine “Duct Tape Soup”

Posted on by Tim Sheard

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we take a trip to beautiful Berkeley, California and look back on Crimpshrine’s 1988 LP “Duct Tape Soup.”

Back when I was young and hopeful for the future I spent a good amount of my time looking to the written and audial wisdom provided by one Aaron Cometbus. His zine, Cometbus, taught me seeking, finding, and enjoying love is not shameful or embarrassing, seeing new places and meeting new people will make life fuller, and the private language we create with ourselves in small moments of solitude is sometimes already spoken and understood by other people we don’t know and likely will never meet. And that all feels good.

One thing Cometbus did not teach me is the difference between an EP and an LP, and as someone who’s made a living being a very interesting and successful and, incidentally, physically beautiful music writer, you can probably imagine how embarrassing this is for me. Because I’m really down to the wire here in reviewing Crimpshrine’s “Duct Tape Soup,” I have no choice but to take my best guesses as to what they might mean.

So, right off the bat, I know an El P is the guy from Run the Jewels, but actually, now that I think about it, I’m not sure if that means he’s an LP or an EP. And perhaps more importantly, I still don’t know what it means, as he is an individual on his own journey, and is likely a complex and sensitive person with feelings, values, and aspirations too complicated to reduce into one simple definition.

The next and final thing I could think of is that L is a weed term, I think? Like a pound of weed or something? So LP is more weed than the smaller EP. Which you really notice when you play it on a nice piece of equipment.

SCORE: I guess I give this thing 3 EPs or 8.4 LPs, depending on whether you’re doing the British measurements or the American ones.

/**/

Film Adaptation of Dune Produces 115 More Hardcore Band Names

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

LOS ANGELES — Creators of the 2021 film reboot “Dune” were surprised to see a new generation of hardcore kids using references from the movie to inspire their band names, sources close to production confirmed.

“Bands like Shai Hulud and Harkonen were way ahead of the curve. Those dudes either grew up with the 1984 film or maybe they even read the book. But now we’re seeing a fresh crop of bands scrambling to release material so they can lock down the names,” said the film’s director Denis Villeneuve while throwing a handful of unsolicited demos in the trash. “There are some obvious name choices like Salusa Secundus and Eyes of Ibad that got scooped up real quick. Other bands had to go deeper with the references like Spacing Guild, and one band that just calls themselves Paul.”

Izzie Powell, drummer of the recently formed metalcore band Salusan Bull, says deciding on a name has been the hardest part of the creative process.

“We probably watched the movie upward of 15 times before we finally settled on something we were all happy with. A badass character would have a sick name, then we would Google it, and realize some German metal band already has that name,” said the young musician. “We’re playing our first show next month and every band on the show is also named after ‘Dune’ references. Well, one band is just called ‘Frank Herbert Writing a Novel’ which isn’t exactly a ‘Dune’ reference, but we know what it means.”

Music historians are stunned that the science-fiction classic is still able to inspire young artists.

“The source material is all great. I love the book, and I love the new movie. I just don’t understand how many more references there can possibly be made. These people must have access to some glossary that I’m not familiar with,” said Jacob Oliver, a record store owner and self-proclaimed “extreme music expert.” “I figured once the planets and some of the character names were taken that everyone would move on. There’s other science-fiction out there with cool names. Just avoid the L. Rob Hubbard stuff.”

Graphic designers across the country noted a sudden increase of bands requesting “a giant sandworm devouring the White House or something like that” in the wake of the film’s release.

European Solo Tour Only Way for Musician to Get Free Medical Treatment

Posted on by Goodrich Gevaart

VARESE, Italy — Macy Ridge, lead singer of Baltimore punk band Forced Circumcision, embarked on her first solo tour of Europe to get free medical treatment in Italy, confirmed sources within the EU.

“I’ve never had any reason to play by myself, I’m pretty bad at guitar honestly,” said Ridge as she recovered in a friend’s apartment, eating Fontina cheese. “But I needed an easy, outpatient surgery done. In Europe, if you’re there they will just do it for you! So I scheduled like three dates, Paris, Lyon, and Milan, and just rode the train by myself. I actually made money doing the surgery this way. I’m in no rush to get back to Baltimore.”

According to scheduling nurses at San Raffaele Hospital in Milan, Ridge is not the first American artist to show up at their hospital while on tour in Italy.

“Ahh, yes, many, many artists from America have come through these doors to receive small surgeries and that sort of thing,” said Sofia Bergamaschi, a nurse at San Raffaele and avid music fan. “They come to us and we say ‘bonjourno American artist we can fix you!’ and so we get them in and we fix them and they put down a fake name on the documents and they never pay. I say to them ‘acqua in bocca!’ I tell no one.”

Fans in Europe are becoming more used to Americans visiting for short or in some cases completely made-up tours to get health services.

“If you see someone coming all the way from America for only three tour dates, they probably will not even play them,” said Belgian music blogger Jules Merten. “They will arrive and say ‘oh I am actually ill, sorry Brussels! Will be back! But we know they probably had a cyst that needed to be removed. I wish Americans would fix their health system so we could stop having so many artists on socialism tours of Europe, or at least maybe they could start getting enough time off from work to actually play some shows while they are here. What an absolute trash can of a country.”

At press time, Ridge was also thinking of applying to attend free college in Italy using her friend’s Milan address on the application.

5 Magical Snowmen That Came to Life To Let Us Know Frosty Is a Wanted Criminal in Their World

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

There’s a little bit of magic in every winter. When the first snow falls and the world becomes a wonderland of powdery whiteness, inevitably come the snowmen! While Frosty the Snowman is indisputably the most famous of the living snow-creatures who visit our world each year, he’s not the only one. But it turns out Frosty is pretty famous in the parallel dimension of permanent, icy storms that is the domain of all snowmen that manifest themselves here.

So here’s five more magical snowmen who came to life to let us know that Frosty is a notorious criminal in their world and is wanted for myriad atrocities against his people!

Icee the Snowman:
Icee the Snowman appeared on Earth when a drunk stevedore put his beanie on a regular, Boston-area snowman. Upon shaking himself to life, he immediately informed the stevedore and his equally inebriated friends that the entity known as Frosty had committed numerous acts of insurance fraud, identity theft and was suspected to have married an aged snow-widow for her fortune, only to murder her when he became impatient. Unfortunately, the stevedores immediately smashed Icee to pieces while shouting “Go Pats!”

Snowflake the Snowman:
One of the more publicized snowman appearances of the early Aughts, Snowflake gained the gift of Earthly life when a lonely child in Topeka, KS wished for a friend. Unfortunately for the child, Snowflake immediately shuffled to a police station to try to convince law enforcement that Frosty had been convicted in absentia for 14 counts of arson, an especially heinous crime in their world. Due to Snowflake’s increasingly aggressive reaction to the lack of interest in Frosty’s crimes, he was gunned down by Topeka police in self-defense.

Whiteout:
The largest snowman ever recorded in modern history, the giant known as Whiteout is theorized to have been some kind of superhero in his world. After explaining via worldwide telepathic communication that Frosty had poisoned the carrot supply of Snowmanopolis, thus causing the agonizing death of thousands of his fellow snowpeople, an unseasonably warm December day reduced him to a giant puddle.

Alan Dean Foster:
Alan Dean Foster spent his brief time on Earth mostly explaining that he was unrelated to the science-fiction novelist and Star Wars ghostwriter of the same name and that it was just a coincidence. He did manage to reveal that Frosty had kidnapped the Snow President of the Snownited States before Frosty himself emerged from the shadows and stabbed him to death with an icicle.

Slushy the Snowman:
After commandeering a Seattle radio station, Slushy the Snowman broadcast for 8 hours and 32 minutes. His main topic was that Frosty had killed a group of British children that wandered into their wintery world through a wardrobe, then came to Earth with a thirst for human blood. He did answer several phone-in questions about relationships and was on the verge of signing a four-year contract with KEZK-FM before literally melting down in-station.

So remember, if you see Frosty the Snowman, do not approach him and call the authorities!

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