Joshualevinson, Author at HARDTIMES

38-Year-Old at Show Keeps Reminding Himself He’s Having a Good Time

Posted on February 7, 2022 by Nathan Kamal

PITTSBURGH — Local 38-year old man Justin Peterson spent the majority of the show that he is currently reminding himself that he is, in fact, having a good time and is happy to be there.

“I haven’t been to a show in forever,” said Peterson, while clutching the $8 Miller High Life. “So when some of the younger guys at work told me about this gig, I figured what the fuck. I just wish I hadn’t forgotten my earplugs, and it kind of feels weird to be like, 15-years older than anyone else here. Also, my back is going to feel like shit tomorrow from standing on this concrete floor.”

Sarah Sandfrey, a 22-year-old student at Carnegie Mellon, spotted Peterson lying to himself about his ability to still hang like it’s 2006 while attending the same show.

“Yeah, that old dude looks miserable,” said Sandfrey. “He keeps crossing his arms, and then does, like, a head shake and uncrosses them. And he has pins up and down the lapel of his jean jacket that say like, Ted Leo and shit. Is that a name badge or something? I could tell he was really uncomfortable standing, because he was, like, shifting around all the time and arching his back. He must be like, 33 or something.”

The Cheap Seats lead guitarist, Steve Meznick, was happy to see Peterson in the audience.

“We love seeing all kinds of people at shows,” said Meznick at a set break during which Peterson checked his watch four times. “It’s great when you can attract young and old, and whenever I look out there, they’re totally loving it. The twenty-year-olds, the twenty-five-year-olds, I think I even saw someone’s dad out there. Our music is really for everyone. I always know we’re really hitting in hard when people start dancing, like that old guy who was doing some kind of old-school flex dance.”

As of press time, the bassist of The Cheap Seats was reminding himself that he still loves performing in shitty bars.

Report: Bret Michaels Still Living On Rock of Love Bus

Posted on February 6, 2022 by Luke Gralia

LAS VEGAS — Poison singer Bret Michaels is reportedly still living on the bus where he unsuccessfully tried to find love more than a decade ago when “Rock of Love Bus” initially aired on VH1, confirmed bummed out network sources trying to sell the vehicle.

“He comes in every few days to fill his tank and ramble on about how Bush did 9/11 and a bunch of other nonsense,” said gas station clerk Andrew Sanchez. “The dude still thinks it’s 2006. Last week he told me he was driving to Iraq so he could kill Saddam, but I always see the bus parked in the vacant lot behind the abandoned Hustler Club. He always tries to give me a tour of the bus, but I can tell the insides smell awful. I caught a whiff of it once and it just smells like chemical burns and wet leather boots.”

“I’ve also seen him drink cups of gas for money. The dude can down a whole glass of unleaded without even chasing it,” he added. “Give it a month and he’ll be able to do shots of diesel.”

Local bus mechanic Mario Palmer commented on Michaels’ supposed living situation.

“I figured the guy would have stacked of cash, but I don’t think he’s changed bandanas since the show aired,” said Palmer. “He always tries to get me to work on the bus for free by giving me ‘private concerts’ which is usually him whisper singing ‘Talk Dirty to Me’ while I walk to my car. The one time I did some work on it I found the exhaust pipe was filled with his hair, at least I hope it was his hair. The inside was worse, stuff was thrown everywhere: condoms, beer cans, a few dildos for some reason. The sink is filled with old ‘Girls Gone Wild’ tapes on VHS that looked like someone tried lighting on fire.”

While those around him may be concerned for his well-being, Michaels believes he’s doing just fine.

“I’m thriving,” he said while chewing on a broken guitar string. “Nobody ever asked for the bus back, and it’s big enough to fit all my cowboy hats. I’m doing better than I ever have. You know who you should be worried about is Paris Hilton. I heard she killed Caylee Anthony. I actually have the proof she did it, but the cops in this bullshit town are too scared by the truth.”

According to Michaels, his next EP, “Talk Dirty Car Seats to Me,” will be released sometime before the 2008 election.

Woman Wishes Man’s Grooming Habits Included His Hygiene

Posted on February 6, 2022 by Dom Turek

NEW YORK — Local woman Francisca Noguera asked her abusive partner of five months if he could extend his grooming habits to include his hygiene, reports show.

“I wouldn’t mind the psychological torment so much if he didn’t make the whole room smell like Doritos every time he took his shoes off,” said Francisca Noguera, referring to her boyfriend, Ray Tennyson. “The gaslighting and empty promises are one thing, but if you insist on isolating me from my friends and family, can you at least stop leaving piss bottles in the bed? I feel like I’m not asking too much, but then again, I am an ungrateful bitch who’s lucky to have someone like him in my life.”

Noguera and Tennyson moved in together after only two weeks of meeting through mutual acquaintances who jokingly told her to “run” and “stay away from that psychopath.”

“I don’t care what anyone says, he’s an amazing boyfriend,” said Ashley Moore, Tennyson’s other girlfriend. “I don’t consider myself a home wrecker because Ray says we’re soulmates, and he even promised me an all-expenses-paid trip to Punta Cana. I never imagined my soulmate wouldn’t know how to wipe his ass properly, or that he’d give me an antibiotic-resistant form of athlete’s foot, but the universe works in mysterious ways.”

After dating a string of “crazy” and “abusive” women, unlucky-in-love Tennyson believes he’s finally found a true partner in Noguera.

“She’s the happiest she’s ever been in her life,” said Tennyson, picking at his teeth with the edge of a MetroCard. “And anyone who says otherwise isn’t allowed to talk to her. Her birthday is coming up, so maybe I’ll do something special like take a shower or trim that one sharp toenail she says always scrapes her when we’re in bed. I’ll probably just end up sabotaging whatever she has planned and make the whole day about me, but who knows. I’m unpredictable, and that’s what’s painfully kind of fun about this.”

At press time, it appeared Tennyson had succumbed to a blood infection caused by severe tooth decay, according to the grossed-out coroner.

Oh, You’re a King Crimson Fan? Please Provide Exactly Zero Extra Information

Posted on February 6, 2022 by Sam Eardley

Oh, you’re a King Crimson fan? Tell you what, 10 bucks says you can’t name exactly zero KC songs in the next 5 seconds.

Okay I think you missed the tone of my little joke there, please stop naming songs. You just dropped like 8 or 9 deep cuts, I’m impressed okay? We’re good. Stop it.

Hey, I liked them as a kid, but as I got older I just found that I didn’t want to have a noisy angry bad time when I listened to music. So let’s say that this isn’t going to be a shared interest for us, but who else are you into?

Okay, you’re still naming songs. Don’t do that.

Oh, please don’t try to get me on board with 21st Century Schizoid Man. That’s just 90 tolerable seconds followed by 4 minutes of fussy jazz, and you know it. I’ve never wanted to punch a song harder.

10 more song names isn’t a rebuttal, man. How are you getting them out so fast, anyway? Is this some kind of poly-rhythmic gamelan-talking? It’s a technical tour de force, sure, but it’s a sonic bag de shit.

Seriously, though, I really don’t need your Crimson credentials, and yet you’re already up to, what, 40 songs? Maybe think about wrapping it up now. There’s a point of diminishing returns with naming King Crimson songs, and it was about a week before I met you.

Listen, you’re starting to look like the album cover of “In the Court of the Crimson King” right now, so maybe it’s time to call it a night. Maybe cool off with some music that’s had something above 0% female participation.

Do you know Lizzo? She’s the best. Just imagine the flute parts from King Crimson, and then change absolutely everything else. Just imagine completely the opposite thing. Lizzo is to King Crimson what a delicious milkshake is to a cup of vinegar with a single gray pube floating in it.

Wait, did you just name an Emerson, Lake & Palmer song by accident? Oh, fuck. I don’t know which of us should be more embarrassed right now.

Punk House Ottoman Also Functions as Coffee Table, Surgery Prep Station

Posted on February 6, 2022 by Robert John Scucci

ROCHESTER, N.Y. —Residents of local punk house The Rot Shop are engaged in a heated debate over the merits of the ragged multi-purpose ottoman that resides in the living room of their shared living space, nauseated sources confirmed.

“I picked this baby up off a curb during bulk-pickup week five years ago, and I can’t imagine life without it,” said Scott Jenkins as he gave the ottoman a hearty pat that released a viscous plume of dust and debris. “When I’m kicking back after a long day of work, the grooves are worn in just right for my boots, and when we have company it’s a great surface for somebody to sink their elbows into for a quick tattoo or dermal piercing. I gave it a proper Scotchguard treatment when I first picked it up, so most drinks, cigarette ashes, and bodily fluids wipe right off onto the floor so we can mop it up later. This living room just wouldn’t be the same without it.”

Despite Jenkins’ enthusiasm, his roommate Michelle O’Keefe wants the doomed footrest destroyed by any means necessary.

“I can’t even walk through the living room without getting hit with the smell of spoiled produce and Skol,” O’Keefe gagged as she even thought of the scent. It’s not even like it ties the room together in any conceivable way. It’s completely black and purple at this point, and I think it was beige when Scott first brought it home. I’m all for being thrifty, but I’m pretty sure breathing in the mold spores this thing releases will give me scabies. It’s only 76 miles to Buffalo, and I’m tempted to strap it to the car and chuck it into Niagara Falls. I’m just afraid that if I say it’s the ottoman or me, Scott will rent my room out to somebody else without hesitation, and I don’t think I can find a cheaper place.

When given a chance to observe the ottoman, interior decorator Dani Antionetti did not parse her words.

“That thing’s gotta go. The bloodstains alone are enough for it to be classified as hazardous waste. I would have suggested reupholstering it with a battle jacket theme full of patches and leatherwork, but this ottoman needs to be removed from this earth by force,” said Antionetti. “I can’t even say in good faith whether or not fire is the best way, because I honestly don’t know what kind of diseases it’s carrying.”

At press time, Jenkins was seen carrying in a soiled rug he found by the loading dock behind Golden Corral.

Photo by Jana Miller.

10 Cool Secret Facts About Disney World

Posted on February 5, 2022December 10, 2025 by Ben Friedman

Every year, thousands of people visit the “happiest place on earth” to experience the magic of Disney. There’s almost too much to do and see when you’re down there, so we’ve rounded up the coolest little known facts about the sprawling theme parks:

Experiencing the Magic with the Family

Watching your children meet their favorite heroes and characters makes the trip all worth it, however there are lots of visiting couples who are childless or have kids too young to know what the hell is going on. Fortunately, Disney’s “Rent a Kid” program will let you pick a long abandoned child from their lost and found so you can get the full experience. Spoil them while you have the time, Disney doesn’t feed or clothe them.

The Haunted Mansion

This classic fright fest is not only one of the most popular rides in the entire park, it’s also a huge wedding destination! The ride averages over 20 goth weddings per day, unsanctioned by the park of course. If you see a couple dressed like Robert Smith and Siouxsie Sioux dancing with the ghosts in the ballroom scene, be sure to congratulate them before security comes!

Rock n’ Roller Coaster Starring Aerosmith

This lightning fast, neon tinged indoor roller coaster is pretty cool, but you need to take into account that by enjoying this ride you’ll have to admit that you like Aerosmith by proxy. If you’re willing to admit you like shitty boomer rock then by all means, ride it ten times.

Behind the Scenes of the Animation Process

Guests staying at the Art of Animation Resort have the opportunity to relax and play amongst their favorite animated films! Keep an eye out for some of the cool fixtures and features, including the incinerator the animators used to throw the animals in after they finished their reference sketches for “Bambi.”

Toy Story Land

One of the hottest new additions to Hollywood Studios let you immerse yourself in the magic of everyone’s favorite sentient toys. It’s so immersive in fact, that if you manage to hang out after hours the attractions will come to life and try to turn you into one of them. It’s a bit risky, but being hunted by a 12-foot-tall cowboy Tom Hanks is pretty exhilarating.

Protecting the Animals

The Animal Kingdom is home to 300 different species of animal, some of which are endangered or bordering on extinct. In order to protect these majestic creatures, each animal is given a gun in accordance with Florida’s stand your ground laws. No one has actually seen any of the animals use one, but the thought of a rhino with an AR-15 is enough to keep poachers away.

Drinking Around the World at Epcot’s World Showcase

In the past few years it’s become a rite of passage to “drink around the world” at the World Showcase. If you can drink one alcoholic beverage from all of the 11 featured countries and still be standing by the end, you’ll be contacted by the UN to become an official ambassador for the United States! Seriously, that’s all it takes these days.

Walt Disney: the Man, the Myth, the Immortal

We’ve all heard that old rumor about Walt Disney’s body being frozen, but did you know that he is very much alive and wields control of ⅓ of the entertainment industry? Once a month, a park employee is sacrificed to their omnipotent patriarch, which fuels him in his quest to conquer every last IP on the planet. Glory be unto Walt!

Avatar: Flight of Passage

Animal Kingdom’s popular 3-D thrill ride goes to great lengths to make you feel like you’re soaring through Pandora on the back of a banshee. To really deliver that other-worldly experience, Disney also includes a clause during the ride legally binding riders to watch all the upcoming sequels and leave positive reviews on RottenTomatoes. Better get your tickets now!

Tower of Terror

The Hollywood Tower Hotel is arguably as iconic as Cinderella’s Castle or the Epcot ball. But get this: Imagineers nearly went in an entirely different direction, as the original plans were to base the ride off of the Twilight Zone episode “The Dummy.”Those plans fell through after designers were unable to procure enough demonically possessed puppets to warrant an entire ride.

Report: Winning Dance Off in No Way Negates City’s Contract to Tear Down Rec Center

Posted on February 5, 2022 by Patrick Crooks

BALTIMORE — Plucky, determined teens of the O’Donnell Street Recreation Center were disheartened to learn that defeating a local real estate developer’s son in a dance off had zero effect on the scheduled demolition of their beloved rec center.

“I don’t have time to get into the nuances of how contract law works, but nothing’s changed. I tried telling them that multiple times, but they just kept dancing at me like I’d be scared or something,” noted the cities attorney Arthur Bellhue. “The area’s been rezoned as residential, so our hands are tied. This process was all hammered out months ago, there were public hearings, city council meetings, and plenty of opportunities to weigh in on the issue, so I’m not sure where they got the idea that some popping and locking the night before the wrecking ball came in would help.”

Several of the dance competition winners expressed dismay and outrage at “being cheated.”

“This is bullshit. We won that dance competition fair and square. The guys from B2K said so,” stated winner, Kevin ‘Turbo Sledge’ Stewart. “We were all happy about winning the breakdancing contest and had just started a celebratory breakdance when city officials told us we needed to clear out so they could set some explosive charges on the support columns. I tried to explain that we won the dance-off and so the demolition was off, but then a cop pepper-sprayed me while I was mid-downrock.”

Experts in city planning law state that thanks to pop culture, occurrences such as these are unfortunately all too frequent.

“I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to explain to a group of teens that winning a jet ski race or beating jocks in a school talent show has zero bearing on real estate. You have to get this shit in writing for god’s sake,” said local activist, Sam Stein. “Those movies are just meant to be entertaining, not a guideline for real life. Do you know how depressing ‘Breakin‘ would’ve been if it was based in any way on reality? It’s like when that ‘Double Jeopardy’ movie came out. I had to quit being a public defender.”

Adding insult to injury, the plucky teens received even more bad news recently after their beloved summer camp was bought out so the rich kids’ resort across the lake could have a second archery range.

Report: Winning Dance Off in No Way Negates City’s Contract to Tear Down Rec Center

Posted on February 5, 2022 by Patrick Crooks

Several of the dance competition winners expressed dismay and outrage at “being cheated.”

Experts in city planning law state that thanks to pop culture, occurrences such as these are unfortunately all too frequent.

Time Traveler Stops in 2010 To Buy The Good Four Lokos

Posted on February 5, 2022 by Michael Gursky

CENTER VALLEY, Pa. — A man traveling through time with the intention of preventing childhood trauma made a more pressing stop in the year 2010 to purchase a variety pack of the original Four Lokos, back when they had the good shit in them.

“I was hoping to spend more time in ‘04 or ‘05; stand up to bullies and my cousin Russell, and prevent my old pet rabbit Yu-Gi-Oh Bob Marley from hopping in front of a garbage truck, but the chance to grab a case of Lokos was calling my name more loudly,” reported casual time traveler and fun binge drinker Andy Moore, now back in present day, sipping a grape Four Loko and missing a shoe while standing on the side of a busy interstate. “These joints have the high alcohol content, the taurine, and caffeine and bull semen and god knows what else in ‘em. We used to get fucked up on two of these back in college.”

Fellow casual time traveler Horace Peterson, one of the most experienced veterans in the field of transtemporal travel, disclosed that many people who revisit the past with big intentions to spur change personally or worldwide end up just buying discontinued products.

“My first 3 time-traveling experiences I drank so much Pepsi Blue I was pissing teal for a month,” admitted Peterson while crunching down on a bag of Doritos Guacamole. “You remember when Trix cereal was shaped like little fruit, as opposed to those dumbass balls? I got boxes on boxes of that old-school shit. For all that’s Holy, I would leave those OG Four Lokos in the past, though.”

Recovering alcoholic and former Four Loko enthusiast Mark Flarsky praised the cultural impact the original Four Loko drinks had, and thanked them for his sobriety.

“A can of Loko per person was enough to start a wild night,” he joked, “But it was those nights when I would get arrested for stuff like violating a mechanical horse outside a grocery store. Those incidents forced me to confront my alcoholism and tendency towards thrusting into coin-operated machinery. Anyone who goes back in time to bring that party demon juice back deserves what’s coming to them, and it’s probably a public indecency charge and a rash.”

Moore couldn’t be obtained for further comment on his time travels because he darted into the street with the remainder of his Four Loko pack, startled a family in a Honda Odyssey, and rode away on top of their van while screaming something about Dunkaroos.

When Our Friend’s Cat Went Missing We Asked Twitter To Do Their Thing and Now We’re Being Canceled

Posted on February 5, 2022 by Sean Fallon

In the grand tradition of using social media to help solve real world problems, when we heard our friend’s cat had gone missing we posted a picture and tweeted: “Twitter, do your thing.” Well, fuck us in our good-deed-doing ass because now we’ve been canceled.

We realized something was going wrong when our picture of Fluffy the Vampire Slayer’s missing poster was quote-tweeted by @HamiltonBae99 who proceeded to attack us for sharing a missing poster for just one cat. The 77-tweet thread went on to explain how, since there were other cats missing in the world too, we should be fired and then die of ebola.

Apparently, this also means we hate the kids kidnapped by Boko Haram.

At first we ignored the thread, but then someone retweeted it and added a screenshot of a joke we had posted in 2019 about the movie “Cats,” which they took to be tacit proof that we hated all cats and that Fluffy the Vampire Slayer was better off on the streets than living with us. Ya know, despite the fact that Fluffy the Vampire Slayer isn’t even our fucking cat.

Retreating from the controversy, we deleted our Twitter account. Unfortunately, a tweet we made about Joe Biden when we were stoned that just read “Boe Jiden” was found by @InTheHeights5Eva and seen as support for Donald Trump and complicity in the rise of Neo-Nazism. Not just in America today, but worldwide and across all of history.