David Byrne Has “Performing in Just Giant Underwear” Nightmare Again

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

NEW YORK — Legendary Talking Heads frontman David Byrne awoke full of terror last night when he once again dreamed he was performing in only his trademark giant suit’s giant underwear, confirmed sources who are tired of hearing about the recurring nightmare.

“I’ve had the nightmare about once a week since we filmed ‘Stop Making Sense;” said Byrne while wiping the sweat from his brow. “I’m up there, in front of all those people and cameras, about to launch into ‘Girlfriend is Better’ as I always would. But then, I look down, and I’m totally nude…save for a pair of briefs that would fit loose on a hippopotamus. I look out in the crowd and everyone is pointing and laughing because this underwear really makes me look goofy, and nobody likes a goofy rockstar.”

Byrne’s former spouse artist Adelle Lutz confirms that the dream is profoundly bothersome to his mental state.

“Oh yes, see, he’d wake up bug-eyed, twitchy, yelping and wiggling, spouting off cryptic zen koans, strange lyrics, and these, just, aggressively odd ideas about the world around him,” said Lutz. “But then, on the mornings after he had the nightmare, he’d be an absolute wreck and could only talk about the most boring subjects like tax preparation and joining a bowling league. The mind can often be a prison, and David’s subconscious thoughts are an unforgiving warden.”

Celebrity dream analyst Maya Winskoff professed that a recurring fashion-based nightmare is not uncommon for musicians of Byrne’s distinguished tenure.

“In my research, I’ve found many cases of acclaimed new wave artists having their various stresses manifesting in nightmares about their clothing,” said Winskoff. “In addition to David’s underwear dream, Devo’s Mark Mothersbaugh often avoids sleep altogether because of his ever-present night terrors where he and the other Devo members show up to a party wearing the exact different outfits.”

“Music is not just an aural medium, these artists care deeply about how they’re being represented visually,” Winskoff added. “I mean, can you picture David Byrne in Kohl’s khakis? Talk about a nightmare.”

When asked why such a well-respected and influential musician would be so rattled at the prospect of performing in a giant pair of briefs, Byrne stated simply “Oh, because I usually wear giant boxer shorts.”

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Man Determined to Protest Roe Decision for as Long as It Takes Pretty Woman at Bar to Overhear Him

Posted on by Doug Kolic

SPRINGFIELD, Mass. — Self-proclaimed feminist ally Kale Weston remains commited to fighting against the Supreme Court’s recent decision to overturn Roe v. Wade for as long as it takes the attractive woman at the bar to notice him, confirmed annoyed sources inside the drinking establishment.

“I’ve been saying this for years; women’s rights are human rights! And I’ll stand by that until my dying day,” yelled Weston as he wrenched his neck to see if the redhead standing ten feet away heard him. “I don’t care how long I have to be out here fighting for justice but I promise to protest for as long as it takes every goddamn politician in this fucked up country to recognize that it’s their body and their choice.”

“More men need to stand up and actually fucking do something!” he continued to shout as he inched his way closer to the bar in hopes of getting her number.

Long-time bartender Rudy Gilbert witnessed the shameful incident.

“I knew something was up with that guy when he walked in wearing a pink pussy hat and an ‘I’m with Her’ shirt,” stated Gilbert. “He came in alone and just posted up near a large group of people then started one-sided conversations about women’s rights with anyone who made eye contact. I’m pretty sure he’s the same guy who used to come in dressed head to toe in BLM gear trying to trick women into believing he stood with that cause. But I think the only cause he cares about is getting laid.”

Professor of Women’s Studies at Fraser University Claudette Benning, warns women to be wary of random men who seem a bit too vocal about their bodily autonomy.

“It’s a dangerous time to be a woman so we need all the support we can get, but it’s also important to be aware that there are tons of fuckboys out there who’ll say anything to get into our pants,” explained Benning. “For every good guy out there, there’s another one leering over at us in the coffee shop expecting we’ll sleep with them because they’re reading ‘The Handmaid’s Tale.’ Our bullshit detectors need to be working overtime for the foreseeable future, so it’s vital to be alert and vigilant. That and keep your shit-kickers on just in case.”

At press time, Weston was seen tossing his pink hat into the trash after noticing the woman’s pro-life button, and was last spotted only a few inches from her reciting Isaiah 49:15.

Opinion: I Know Exactly What This Quaint Little Farmers Market Needs. A Fucking DJ

Posted on by Ben Friedman

As I stroll through this quaint suburban farmers market, I have this nagging feeling that something is missing. Sure there are plenty of requisite independent farmers and raspberry preserve vendors. But without someone to soundtrack the experience of buying homemade sourdough what’s the point of even leaving the house? Enter the kid, aka me.

This co-op needs some binaural beats to go with those organic beets, and I’m more than happy to oblige.

I know it’s a Sunday and some people will say they are hung over and want to browse organic tomatoes in peace, but deep down they want to keep the party going. What sounds cooler to you: shopping for songbirds and the gentle rustling of oak trees in the breeze, or a four-hour-long EDM set to wire you awake?

See that vintage clothing booth in the corner over there? They have some pretty cool digs but imagine how much the experience of buying bell bottoms can be enhanced with Led Zeppelin’s “Black Dog” expertly remixed and blaring three feet away. Call it an immersive experience.

Forget what you believe may be the “vibe” or “aesthetic” of your run-of-the-mill market and wonder if maybe the inclusion of 6-foot speakers and a dance floor blocking the sweet corn stand is just as viable. I was under the impression that all were welcome here, at least according to the signs.

Don’t try and tell me I’m not qualified to DJ a farmers market. Do you see any kind of oversight or regulations of these vendors? I could stroll right in here with some pickled turnips from my basement and no one would blink twice. So what if I play a 45-minute version of “Friend of the Devi,” at least no one will get food poisoning right?

Sure I can’t tell a kumquat from a pear and I don’t have the patience to cultivate anything that could be considered “organic” or “sustainable”, but there’s one thing I do know: how to drop phat ass beats on this quiet suburban market with some DJ equipment I found on Craigslist.

5 Fox News Personalities and How Each of Them Fared in the ‘Saw’ Style Deathtrap We Tricked Them All Into

Posted on by James Knapp

Can a person simply pull themselves up by their bootstraps or is American exceptionalism a lie? We decided to test this on some of the most exceptional Americans we could think of, Fox News hosts. And what better test than a labyrinth of moral terror ala the ‘Saw’ movie franchise.

We drugged and kidnapped some the Fox News Network’s most bankable talent and “invited” them to play a little “game.” Here are the results!

Greg Gutfeld
Greg Gutfeld died almost immediately after regaining consciousness in the deathtrap. He refused to listen to the pre-recorded instructions we provided and simply ran around blindly, screaming, until he eventually broke his neck after slipping on a puddle of water which was not even part of the test.

Tucker Carlson
Tucker Carlson also died almost immediately due to his denial of the entire reality of the test. He simply kept repeating “I don’t see why I should have to cut out my eye to retrieve the key. Maybe this is all just liberal hoax perpetrated by the Clintons to discred—” and that’s when the steel Venus Fly Trap closed on his head.

Brian Kilmeade
Kilmeade was able to hold out for a little while, but his inability to comprehend the purpose or even the basic concept behind most of the tests led to him attempting to eat various components of most of them. He eventually died of electrocution while chewing on a power cable which had already been deactivated.

Laura Ingraham
We actually had pretty high hopes for Laura Ingraham. She had no trouble figuring out the table saw puzzle and she only used a few racial slurs while avoiding falling in the giant meat grinder. Unfortunately, she too perished after Sean Hannity shot her with a speargun, the reason for which is still perplexingly unclear.

Sean Hannity
Hannity made it almost to the end of the deathtrap, which shows the type of tenacity it took to reach the apex of journalism in the first place. But when he reached the final test, requiring him to make a personal sacrifice in the form of a twenty dollar donation to the charity of his choice, he instead refused outright and instead walked all the way back to throw himself into the giant meat grinder.
Pity. If he had passed the test, we think Hannity would have made a fine future apprentice to a sociopathic serial killer. Oh well. Maybe next week will go better when we try this again with Breitbart.

Neoliberal Punks Suggest Meeting Nazi Punks Half Way

Posted on by Ben Friedman

BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — The music scene was left reeling yesterday after a contingency of neoliberal punks suggested meeting Nazi punks halfway on a multitude of issues, reported concerned locals.

“With partisanship at an all-time high in this country, we believe that the only way this scene can be unified is by reaching out across the pit and allowing everyone to speak their mind, even if some people believe in the eradication of minorities and Jews through violence,” said scene leader Vince McCarthy. “We’ve always by default assumed Nazi punks should fuck off, but I say why not keep a few Skewdriver songs in our town’s jukeboxes and let the people decide if they should be played?”

Venue owners were unsure if appeasing what many believe are borderline terrorists would benefit the city.

“I’m not going to pretend we have a burgeoning scene here, but watching punks in Green Day shifts and skinheads at each other’s throats has been entertaining. Though more and more I’ve seen the former kowtowing to actual fucking fascists in the name of ‘openness of ideas,’” said club owner Julie Brader. “I used to think there was a huge difference between the two, but apparently neolibs are fine with swastikas being painted in the bathrooms so long as it’s gender neutral.”

The Southern Poverty Law Center, who has been monitoring the situation, noted situations like this are usually an endgame scenario.

“It’s almost laughable how many times reaching across the aisle morphs into giving oppressors exactly what they want. It starts out as something innocuous like a bake sale for the police or becoming a Twitch streamer. Next thing you know, you’re selling cookies for body armor and calling women gamers whores,” said SPLC rep Shelby Morganfeld. “In the case of what’s happening in Bakersfield these left-center punks, an oxymoron if there ever was one, compromised with the wrong hardcore bands and are now seeing a concerning rise of punks in green jackets doing the wall of death.”

As of press time, the town’s neoliberal punks were in full damage control after Nazi punks have not only dominated the scene, but were attempting to ban any queercore bands from playing in town.

How I Ditched Everyone I’ve Ever Known and Loved To Make Over 9K in My Band Last Year!

Posted on by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

I finally did it! I am now in the top one percent of financially successful musicians! So now I get to do what everyone does the instant they find success and prove my expertise with a “How To” blog! So if you too wish to earn at least nine thousand dollars in a single year as a musician, just follow my keys to success. I’ll give you step one for free: Ditch everyone you’ve ever known and loved!

It’s easy! Every time they invite you to some dinner or nephew’s baptism, you say, “Aw, I wish I could but I’m working on my music.” This not only allows you the time to work on your music but it subtly reminds them that your musical endeavors are the most important thing on planet Earth. And don’t worry. Over time, they’ll get the hint and stop calling.

They’re all just in your way! To make it in this industry you’ll have to give every waking moment to writing, rehearsing, playing a ton of shows, and documenting every second of it. I could understand them being mad at me for being completely consumed by some bullshit “civilian” job, but this is music! It’s not workaholism if it’s creative. On that note, it’s also not alcoholism if most of your yearly income comes in the form of drink tickets.

If they really want me in their lives, they can just follow me on Tik Tok like every other fan.

The only relationships I need are women who are willing to listen to me talk about my creative process and other musicians who I’ve never met in real life but we comment a string of fire emojis on each other’s posts. That’s real friendship.

If I would’ve known that cutting out every friend and family member was the key to success, I would’ve done it years ago! Nine thousand dollars a year! That’s almost five digits! Sure that salary broken down into an hourly wage is about $1.25 an hour, but it’s rounded out nicely with the spiritual fulfillment that comes from making dope tunes with my band. Well, until I ditch them to go solo.

Wellness Influencer Responds to Tragedy with “Thoughts and Manifestations”

Posted on by Lauren Sewell

LOS ANGELES – Local wellness influence Juniper “Uni” Ferdinand offered her sincerest thoughts and manifestations to the victims of another senseless mass shooting, her followers confirmed.

“The people of this miraculous world are hurting, bleeding, begging for help. It is precisely times like these when we need to look into ourselves, feel the grass blades between our toes, listen to our own chi and be grateful for life,” said Ferdinand. “And as we offer gratitudes for our own precious breath, we send thoughts and manifestations for the spiritual healing—and to a lesser extent, the physical healing—of the nineteen victims. If we want to defeat this evil plaguing the nation, we all must join together to manifest a world with fewer guns, fewer bullets, more bulletproof vests and more bulletproof glass.”

Ferdinand’s message resonated with her 1.2 millions followers, including amateur mud therapist Barrett French.

“I was taking a sound bath when my roommate knocked on the door and asked me if I had heard the news. I’ll admit, I thought it was pretty fucking rude for that inconsiderate asshole to interrupt my ritual,” French said. “I was ready to light up the sage again for a cleansing. But once I checked my phone and read Uni’s poetic words, my crystals started vibrating with love. I knew what I had to do: I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and visualized thousands of people relinquishing their guns into the sea; it was remarkable.”

Gun violence activist and University of California Berkeley professor Martina Collins harshly disagrees with this new age response to tragedies.

“Not only is the ‘thoughts and manifestations’ message thoroughly empty and meaningless, but it is actively harmful. Violence isn’t happening because Mercury is in retrograde, and hoping and wishing for a better society while you get blessed by your green juice and kneel before your tarot deck isn’t going to bring these victims back,” Collins said while digitally signing a change.org petition. “People need to take direct action that is proven to work, like instantly sending a $8 donation to your state representative.”

Ferdinand continued to help heal society by aligning her crystals in a way to bring down inflation.

Review: Counterparts “A Eulogy for Those Still Here”

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Canadian hardcore band Counterparts are back with a new studio album titled “A Eulogy for Those Still Here” which will be released through Pure Noise Records.

Counterparts absolutely rips, so by osmosis, this new album rips too. This record also covers every genre you could possibly want, including melodic hardcore, metalcore, and punkcore. Literally, you name it and this album has it. But does it sync up perfectly with an iconic film from the past? Let’s find out.

As you may have heard, there’s a certain Pink Floyd album that supposedly synchronizes flawlessly with “The Wizard of Oz.” Classic, right? Now, I’ve never tried this out myself to confirm because I’m not a loser.

However, I thought it’d be a good use of my time to see if this Counterparts album syncs up with anything cinematically. You never know until you try.

For my first attempt, I went with, you guessed it, “The Wizard of Oz.” After all, there are no rules against more than one album aligning with the same film. But I don’t think it worked because the classic “If I Only Had Brain” tune clearly clashed with Counterparts’ more modern “Skin Beneath a Scar” song.

Next, I tried something more recent and a little more well-known, so I gave “Transporter 2” a shot. Nothing says hardcore more than Jason Statham’s physique and highly accomplished five o’clock shadow. But I’ll be damned if this album didn’t sync up exactly with the 2005 film that The New York Times called “purely shallow but never dull.” I was really rooting for it though.

Since that didn’t work, I figured I’d give a comedy a go. Naturally, my first choice was “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” because I just happened to have the DVD. Surprisingly, if you start the album the moment you first see Kevin James riding a segway, you’ll notice that the album kind of syncs up perfectly until you get to the first song’s second chorus when it all falls apart. Bummer. Almost had it.

Long story short, I’m about 78 test movies into my experiment and still haven’t found a match for this Counterparts record. Good thing this album rips or else this research would be painful.

SCORE: 5 out of 5 copies of “The Dark Side of the Moon.”

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Band’s Walkout Music Better Than Anything on Setlist

Posted on by John Danek

MESA, Ariz. — Local punk band Forkscrew set expectations high and did not meet them when they walked out to Saves the Day’s classic thrasher “You Vandal” then entered their own forgettable catalog of uninspired mid-tempo tunes, bored fans reported.

“I got so hyped when I heard those first power chord chugs of ‘You Vandal’ that I actually loudly cheered for Forkscrew. I want my cheer back,” stated local showgoer Hannah Keane, who has reevaluated her willingness to see bands she doesn’t know. “Once they turned off Saves the Day, there was 45 seconds of awkward silence until they went into their first song which sounded more like midtempo buttrock than the ‘punk’ they bill themselves as. It somehow got worse deeper into the setlist. Truly a false flag operation.”

The members of Forkscrew are aware of their inability to sustain crowd enthusiasm throughout a full set but are oblivious as to its cause.

“I don’t understand! We get the loudest, most excited response when we walk out at the beginning of our set, but by the end you can hear crickets,” admitted singer Josh Reince, who had to convince his bandmates to walk out to Saves the Day instead of Seether. “Maybe the crowd is so into our songs that they keep ordering beer after beer, and they’re shithoused by the end of our set. Or they’re getting older and are very sleepy by 10 p.m.? We should try playing louder.”

Seasoned veterans of the live music scene caution bands on choosing walk-out music that they can’t live up to.

“Playing a live show isn’t like wrestling, you don’t walk out with the most hype music you can possibly find. Simply put; your band can’t match that promise,” observed Tabitha Potts, former manager of Jimmy Eat World. “The best bet is to walk out with music very different from your band’s style. If you have a sense of humor, walk out to something funny like the ‘Full House’ theme. If not, maybe try rap or classical just to throw people off. Don’t walk out to a beloved Saves the Day song. They fucking ripped on ‘Through Being Cool’ you didn’t.”

In a twist of irony, Saves the Day recently played one of the best shows of their career after walking out to Forkscrew’s sloppy, repetitive song “A Spam Call to Arms” which generated a fair bit of audience laughter.

Woman With Passion for Letting Things Rot Inside of Fridge Purchases Artichoke

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

BANGOR, Maine. – Local woman, and proponent of turning fresh produce into reservoirs for mold due to apathy, Danielle Wilder recently bought an artichoke which will sit untouched in her vegetable crisper for weeks, reported sources not coming over for dinner anytime soon.

“I resolved to start cooking at home more, which meant buying more fresh ingredients,” said Wilder while she chose the perfect artichoke to let decay in her home. “It was going okay at first, but I got bored of potatoes and broccoli after a while. That’s when I decided to shake things up with some new veggies. There’s so much I could do with this artichoke. Tonight, I could roast it and make soup. Or even better, I could put it in the fridge and ignore it until I have no choice but to dispose of it after the leaves have browned and it sort of melts into goo and I’m forced to order UberEats for the third time this week.”

Wilder’s loved ones have voiced concern over her tendency to let her culinary ambitions outpace her discipline levels.

“Danielle is constantly posting pictures of butternut squash or whatever captioned ‘Got big plans for this!’ to her Instagram story,” said friend Alex Sandison. “But I’ve never seen any plans, big or otherwise, come to fruition. Most of the produce she buys usually just becomes a nesting ground for flies. It’s like how she’ll post about a potted plant she just bought and by the time I come over, it’s pretty much completely wilted. Is ‘agricultural sadist’ a thing? If so, I think Danielle might be one.”

Dr. Moriah Rose, Professor of Sociology at Wright State University, says that Wilder’s experiences echo that of many home cooks seeking novelty only to be thwarted by lack of motivation.

“Just about all of these ingredients can be prepared as easily as any of the more common vegetables,” said Rose. “But who wants to go to the trouble of learning how to slice jicama when you could just make a box of penne and toss one of those jarred Prego sauces on it? And while there are things you can do to prolong freshness, like Tupperware and plastic wrap, you’re just going to end up with the same shriveled mush in your trash no matter what.”

At press time, Wilder was also on the verge of reigniting her passion for purchasing $100 worth of art supplies before giving up after two failed sketch attempts.

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