Joshualevinson, Author at HARDTIMES

Call Me Old but Music Was Better Before Anxiety and Depression Ruled My Life

Posted on September 17, 2022 by Dan Kozuh

I never thought I would find myself in a place complaining about the “music these kids listen to,” but it seems the older I get, the worse music becomes. I do my best to stay on top of current releases and emerging artists but, call me a curmudgeon, I just think music was better back before the crippling weight of existential dread smothered any flame of passion within me.

Sure, I can blame the overuse of autotune or the inaccurate assumption that no musician actually plays instruments anymore, but in reality, the reason that current music doesn’t resonate with me is that the youthful joy reflected by artists half my age reminds me of the person I wanted to become but never achieved.

I wish that I could blame overt sexuality and the glamorization of violence for the pitfalls of Top 40 music but the stark reality of it is that current music holds no nostalgia for me. It doesn’t take me back to long nights, great parties, first kisses, and road trips. New music doesn’t remind me of a time of life before I needed medication just to get out of bed in the morning and before the looming shadow of impending death crawled ever closer.

David Bowie! Pink Floyd! Led Zeppelin! The Rolling Stones! Now that is real music. It is only a coincidence that their music was released before my frontal lobe fully developed and the world still promised joy and wonderment. Long before the repetition of fear and rejection carved their neutral pathways within my brain.

I don’t know who this Doja Cat is, but Kiss Me More doesn’t hold a candle to the way Stevie Nicks singing Landslide makes me forget about mortgages, student loan debt, couples counseling, performance reviews, COVID, and politics. Find me a rapper capable of putting hair back on my head and then we’ll talk.

Bad Bunny does nothing for me when I am having a panic attack in the bathroom at work but if I pump out some Santata through my earbuds, I am transported to a time when I had a fast metabolism and even faster car.

That is what real music does!

You’re Probably a Dick if you Listen to These Ten Mike Patton Side Projects

Posted on September 17, 2022December 10, 2025 by Dave McNamara

We all know ‘that guy’… the one that’s obsessed with Mike Patton’s side projects who also believes that being an aggressive contrarian is the same thing as having a personality. So how do you enjoy the Faith No More frontman’s lesser known works without being ‘that guy’? Here’s ten Mike Patton side projects that you’d have to be a dickhead to enjoy.

Tétéma

Another collaboration with an avant-garde composer, Antony Pateras, this project is more cacophonous and jarring than most music in general. You probably like to change the music at parties from whatever upbeat and fun playlist the host spent hours putting together to a Tétéma record which will make the guests feel queasy and anxious, leaving more chip dip just for you.

Peeping Tom

Dubbed the Mike Patton “pop record,” Peeping Tom’s sole album might just be the most normal thing he’s ever produced. Norah Jones is a guest vocalist, which should tell you a lot. If you listen to this, it might be because you think you’re too sophisticated for a Gorillaz album.

Kaada/Patton

This cinematic collaboration with Norwegian composer John Erik Kaada is something that you might hear a band performing live to a silent film. You might like listening to this on large studio headphones while riding the bus openly farting next to other passengers.

Maldoror

Here Mike Patton teams up with Merzbow noise artist Masami Akita. Most of their records sound like a CD that’s been used to sand the edges off a piece of rough-cut lumber before being put in the player. You might like to play this at full volume to drive the customers out of the coffee shop 10 minutes before close.

Anything with John Zorn

Let’s face it. If you listen to anything with John Zorn you’re probably a self-proclaimed “multi-instrumentalist” due to the fact that no other musicians are willing to play with you.

Patton Sings Ohio Express

This cover album is unusual in that it both covers an unlikely artist for Patton, and that it only contains 12 versions of the same song: “Yummy Yummy Yummy.” Most consider the original to be too saccharine, but after a dozen helpings of this track, you’ll have more than “love in your tummy.” You might like to listen to this over a Bluetooth speaker you strap to the handlebars of your hand-welded penny-farthing.

MUTE! – over Zoom

The first “pandemic Patton” release, this conceptual multi-media record was recorded entirely on a Zoom session in which the mic was muted the entire time. The viewer can see Patton performing, but cannot hear a single distorted megaphone or circuit-bent Teddy Ruxbin. This is probably your favorite as you can use your own inflated ego to fill in the sounds that are missing.

Asystole – Improv over ICU Machines

One of the most controversial records in the Patton discography finds the artist accompanying the life support machines of several dying patients at UC San Diego Medical Center. While many consider it distasteful to use the sounds of a real person’s death in a musical composition, you probably like chiming in with your own flatline sounds.

M/N/NG – Traditional Bulgarian Nose Music

Reviving a nearly forgotten form of folk music that consists of sounds made exclusively in the nasal passage, M/N/NG is not for the easily annoyed. In interviews, Patton states that he had to rub hot wax on his septum to withstand the intense pressure demanded from the music. You probably like this just because you enjoy saying “Traditional Bulgarian Nose Music” to people.

Dark Bleat – LaVey Farms Satanic Goat Choir

This project was conceived after a visit to famed Satanist Anton LeVey’s family goat farm in the summer of 2007. The first ever Patton/non-human collaboration, the recording session was plagued with disaster after a goat ate the master real during mixdown. You probably like playing this for a date while mansplaining that goat is actually the most consumed meat on the planet.

Vocal Track Pretty Obviously Recorded While Trying to Not Disturb Roommates

Posted on September 17, 2022 by Joe Rumrill

NAPERVILLE, IL — Recently gifted a four-track tape recorder, local musician Lee Ferrante recorded an especially timid and breathy vocal track while clearly not wanting his roommates to hear, sources confirmed.

“Look, sometimes bedroom pop projects are literally recorded in the bedroom, and that means it can be especially embarrassing to record vocals with all of your roommates in such close proximity,” defended Ferrante, just barely audibly. “If I happen to sound half-hearted on my latest songs, that’s just a part of my process of not bothering anyone. Not having my housemates hear me, and then possibly make fun of me, is something that really inspires me as an artist. And who knows? The style just may catch on.”

Ferrante’s roommates appeared confused and even unaware that music was being recorded in their home.

“I didn’t even know Lee liked music, much less made it himself. I just figured he was in there reading or possibly doing jigsaw puzzles,” said longtime roommate Ruben Coombes. “It wouldn’t bother me at all if he sang at a reasonable volume. I don’t know why he feels he’s got to keep such a hushed tone. There’s no way that will come out normal…In fact, he’s right. I’d probably make fun of him, but mainly because he’s whisper-singing.”

Home recording historian Miriam Ogden noted that many albums throughout the past few decades were done while not trying to disturb someone close by.

“Though it can be a bit cringey on the ear if you don’t know how to properly harness your vocal cords, feebly masking the fact that you’re singing so as not to have your housemates hear has a long, rich history,” Ogden noted. “In fact, not many people realize that every track on ‘Back in Black’ was cut entirely while Brian Johnson’s dad was upstairs trying to take a nap. Clearly a pro. With regards to Ferrante’s music, though, it’s sadly obvious he’s not quite there yet. I mean, you can practically hear the blankets over his head because the guy recorded it under his covers. It’s a rough listen. Woof.”

At press time, Ferrante was dismayed to learn that his new album, despite singing on all 12 tracks, was in the running for “Best Instrumental LP” in the Naperville alternative circular.

College Roommates Fighting Over Wall Space for Identical Bob Marley Poster

Posted on September 16, 2022 by Doug Kolic

ST. LOUIS – College freshmen, Keegan Smith and Caleb Kyle, are locked in a bitter argument over sharing the wall space for their identical Bob Marley posters, according to nearby sources laughing their asses off.

“At first I thought Caleb was pretty chill, especially since we both had dope-ass dreads,” stated a clearly white Smith. “But then he had a total meltdown when I tried to put up my Bob Marley poster where he wanted to put up his slightly-similar, yet massively inferior one. We’ve been giving each other the silent treatment ever since, which is making things super awkward. I prayed to Jah that college would allow me to make life-long friends with whomever I bunked with, but instead I’m rooming with a little bitch who won’t let me express my true self by displaying this iconic poster of the Jamaican reggae star that I’ve been a fan of ever since I bought it at Target last week.”

Kyle chimed in with his side of the confusing and contentious story.

“If anyone’s a little bitch, it’s him,” said Kyle. “Not only did he cry like a baby when I replaced his poster of Marley superimposed over the Jamaican flag with my poster of Marley filtered with the colors of the Jamaican flag, but he also spiralled when I tried storing my devil sticks beside his. I hate this guy so much! You don’t know how shitty it is having to room with someone who’s the complete opposite of you. Even though my personal motto is ‘One Love,’ fuck this guy to hell.”

College senior and resident advisor Keith Tait described how stereotypical first year students tend to fall into this sort of interpersonal trap.

“Holy fuck, those guys don’t know how hilarious they are” said a visibly stoned Tait. “At first I thought they were the same dude or twins since they looked, dressed, and talked alike. But then I realized the one in the red poncho was Keegan and the one in the blue poncho was Caleb. Or vice versa. I tried to explain to them that there was enough space for all their lame shit, as I don’t really care who’s at fault since my job is just to mediate between disgruntled roommates, and to steal any weed I find lying around, which I obviously did.”

At press time, the roommates were seen hanging pictures of their ‘Canadian girlfriends’ who looked suspiciously alike, and whose photos definitely didn’t come with the frames.

Band Starts GoFundMe to Replace Stolen Merch Guy

Posted on September 16, 2022 by Camden Brazile

ST. LOUIS — Local punk band Blood Fighters launched a plea for help today when they started a crowdfunding campaign to replace the merch guy that was stolen during their most recent show downtown, confirmed sources eager to help.

“Ryan (Harper) will be missed, but what’s done is done. We searched Craigslist, Facebook Marketplace, and eBay and there is still no sign of him. It’s time we move on and get back on the road,” said lead singer Kevin Oslo. “We are asking fans, friends, and family to give anything they can to provide us another merch salesman who is good at making change, telling people ‘we are sold out of mediums,’ and can set boundaries by not letting people store their shit behind our table. We know theft is just part of the business when you’re a small band, but nothing would give the band, and Ryan’s family, closure like being able to start touring again.”

Local contributor to the campaign Dianne Merkowitz explained that she hoped her donation would help the band soar to new heights.

“I remember [the band’s] old merch guy, he was a dingy, broken-down piece of shit. He always smelled kind of funny, he always burped mid-sentence, and I think he used a shirt he sold me as a napkin one time. The thing had so much marinara sauce on it,” Merkowitz said. “I can’t even imagine who would want to steal him, but here we are. I’m hopeful the campaign will succeed so that they can afford a much more high-end merch guy that will at least last them a lot longer. Oh, and also I hope the police find Ryan and whatever, obviously. Such a tragedy.”

GoFundMe CEO Michael Henley said that while the campaign may appear to be slightly unorthodox, more and more people need someone special in their life replaced these days.

“Merch guys, children, parents, lots of people go missing,” said Henley in between drafting legislation to prevent Medicare for all. “While yes, sometimes memories cannot be replaced with money, campaigns like this help people move on by affording a newer, sleeker model to take their place. Kidnapping is obviously something that needs to be taken very seriously, but at least now the missing person’s duties can still be performed while they are gone.”

UPDATE: The band added a stretch goal to their GoFundMe which would help buy health insurance for the replacement member should they ever need a kidney, liver, or any additional organs down the line.

As a Responsible Gun Owner, I Can’t Fucking Wait To Shoot a Bad Gun Owner

Posted on September 16, 2022 by Matt Bieker

As the nation reels from yet another senseless act of violence perpetrated against the innocent, I’d like to offer the citizens of TOWN NAME GOES HERE my heartfelt prayers and condolences in their moment of grief. I have few words of comfort to give, but only one truth: Fuck I wish I had been there to get a few shots at that motherfucker.

I say this not as a hero, but as one of the nation’s millions of gun owners, a man (obviously) who recognizes that it is my god-given right and solemn duty to protect my family, my community, and indeed my country from the scourge that is other gun owners.

That’s right, irresponsible gun owners like SHOOTER’S NAME have betrayed the freedoms granted to us by our constitution, the same freedoms paid for with the lives of our service members, police, first responders, pizza delivery people, concert-goers, nightclub patrons, simple passersby, teachers, and literal children. And I’m here to make it clear, I’m fucking coming for you.

It’s scary to think about, but it’s almost impossible to tell the difference between a reasonable gun owner like myself and a murderous lunatic.

I can promise you this: If and when that time comes, I will drop that piece of shit with a smile on my face. Hell, I’m smiling right now just thinking about it. And that doesn’t just go for active shooters: any gun owner I personally deem to be acting irresponsibly is going home with a few extra ounces of lead.

Store your gun outside of a combination lock safe? Bang.

Finger on the trigger before you’re ready to fire? Fuck you.

Confuse a .357 with a 9mm? When you get to hell, tell em I sent ya.

You better pray to God that barrel is oiled properly because I promise you mine is.

The only way to secure a safe and civil society for our children that are still alive is to use the tools our founding fathers enshrined in the Second Amendment for their intended purpose—absolutely dumping 50 rounds per minute from an extended capacity magazine I bought from the internet.

There’s a simple truth that liberals, doctors, developed nations’ governments, and other freedom-haters just can’t get their heads around: Guns save lives—except for the ones I’m about to take.

5 DIY Home Repair Tips That Will Make You Lash Out in Frustration at Your Family, the Only People Who Truly Love You

Posted on September 16, 2022 by Nathan Kamal

The worst part of home ownership is the constant maintenance, after property taxes, the insane paperwork of mortgages, and the looming sense that you are investing into owning something that has no real value other than what the racist oligarchs who rule the economy happen to decide that day. But, really, it’s the constant maintenance. And while some repairs are best handled by a licensed and bonded professional, there are plenty that savvy homeowners can do for themselves.

Here are five DIY home repair tips that will save you tons of money, as long as you don’t mind experiencing such intense frustration that it causes you to lash out emotionally (and maybe even physically!) at your family, who just want to help you and love you, you asshole.

Tip #1: Unclog a toilet using regular dishwasher soap! If you can’t fix that blocked pipe with a plunger because your dumb, inconsiderate family breaks everything, just pour in half a cup of Palmolive and let it sit until it loosens up. The time it takes to soak in is perfect to build up intense resentment, even though you know deep inside that it’s not their fault, it’s your own idiot fault for letting yourself get this mad.

Tip #2: Window Winterization! Did you know that for the cost of some plastic wrap, double-sided tape, and the look in your children’s eyes when you snap your fingers at them to get out of the way, you can cut down on your heating bills by 70%?

Despite that, the winter is going to be cold and lonely, you dumb jerk. They love you.

Tip #3: Drywall Isn’t Hard! Just remember to measure carefully, use a rotary cutting tool, and pay attention to the fucking composition of the walls. Is that so fucking hard? Is it? Can’t you do even that? Oh god, honey, we didn’t mean it, we didn’t. We’re sorry.

Tip #4: Goddamn it, hold it. Hold that steady!

Tip #5: Remove Sticker Residue with Cooking Oil! You might think those nasty sticker smears are on your furniture forever after your kids decided they needed to make that wardrobe “prettier,” but all you need to do is dab a paper towel with oil and let it sit over the sticker for a few minutes. The only thing forever is your family knowing at all it takes for you to lose your goddamn mind and make them feel unsafe is some stupid sticker residue.

You sad, pathetic person. You’re losing them, you know.

Texas Punk Using Gov. Abbott Migrant Bus for Free Trip to New York City

Posted on September 15, 2022 by Patrick Coyne

SAN ANTONIO — Local punk Issah Rooney is taking advantage of Governor Abbott’s cruel and inhumane policy of busing migrants to northern US cities by hitching a free ride, amused sources report.

“Don’t get me wrong, Abbott is a trash bag tyrant, and I really hope another oak tree comes along and finishes the job. But the thing is, there’s a bunch of bands in New York I’ve been wanting to see,” said Rooney. “And turns out, border agents are just as dumb as regular cops because it was super easy to get on the buses. Me and a bunch of my friends told the migrants they could crash at our places for a while. Then when the pigs asked our names we just said ‘Que?’ ‘til they moved on. 27 hours later I was drunk and chowing on glizzys at Grey’s Papaya.”

Governor Abbott was seemingly unaware his buses had been overtaken by the state’s alt community.

“My opponents claim this is just a publicity stunt, or I’m so inept that I’m sending these illegals away because I can barely take care of Texas citizens as it is. But as a devout Christian, I know in my heart this is the right thing to do. Wasn’t it Jesus who said ‘For I was hungry, so you sent me to Chicago for food?’” said Abbott, looking around the room for validation. “And frankly, you should see some of these Mexican immigrants. With their stick and poke neck tattoos, studded leather belts, American accents, and intimate knowledge of Naked Raygun’s discography. There’s no room for people like that in Texas.”

Spokesperson for The Immigration Advocate Network Fiona Aguirre applauded the Texans’ actions.

“I only wish more people would take similar measures to disrupt Gov. Abbott’s manufactured humanitarian crisis. Furthermore, I recommend punks in other red states find creative ways to fuck with their moron Republican leader’s Draconian policies,” said Aguirre. “For example, there’s no reason why Alabama crusties can’t declare Darby Crash their God and demand a statue of him be erected outside of state courthouses.”

At press time, Abbott started begging for federal aid after New York State retaliated by sending four buses of NYC hardcore kids to Waco.

How to Ruin Both Your Soda Stream and Your Sobriety in 5 Easy Steps

Posted on September 15, 2022 by Colleen Nerney

First of all, hello, I’m Colleen, and I’m 24 months sober. Pretty cool, right? If you’re reading this and anything like me, you’ve probably fallen off the wagon a couple of times, but I’d like to personally commend you for sticking with it. Being a recovering alcoholic is hard work, so I like to make little games of everyday tasks when I can.

I recently bought a Soda Stream so I can make my own seltzer and pop at home! Here are some of my favorite things to do with my new appliance in the name of staying healthy, followed by the thing I actually did to keep my cycle of substance abuse spinning.

1. Stare Longingly at the Bottle of Wine You Got Recently In a Moment of Weakness

Ah, wow, yeah, that’s funny! This is gonna be a struggle right from the get-go, isn’t it? I really was hoping to use this thing for like, artisanal spritzers and shit, but…I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? A Soda Stream can definitely handle alcohol, right?

During this step it’s important to tell yourself that you won’t actually drink it, you’ll just let your roommates enjoy it. You’re just being a cool roommate, not falling off the wagon! Yeah!

2. Give In and Grab That Fucker

Fuck, okay, we’re gonna give this a shot I guess. Uncork that baby and take a deep whiff, and God, that smells good. Resist the urge to just drink some out of the bottle — we’re doing this for science, not so you can get fucking hammered at 11 am like you used to.

I just wanna see if this works, that’s all.

3. Pour The Whole Fucking Thing In

We’re committed now, so let’s do this thing! Dump the contents of your delicious Malbec right into the little plastic bottle of your Soda Stream, screw it in, and start carbonating, baby!

I should probably have one sip, just to make sure I’m not giving my roommates bad soda wine. I can spit it out though, no big deal.

4. Realize This Isn’t Going to Work

Shit — oh god, there’s fizzy red wine everywhere, and your Soda Stream is making weird fucking noises. God dammit, this is going to be a huge pain to clean up. This is a fucking mess. FUCK.

This is the kind of shit that makes you really want a drink.

5. Consider Calling Your Sponsor and Drink the Results Instead

Ok don’t panic, don’t panic, you’re having a moment of crisis. This is what your sponsor is for. All you have to do is not grab the half-carbonated remnants and chug them, and hop on the phone instead.

Just fucking kidding. Bottoms up!

Probably for the Best: Noggin Is Pulling the Episode of “Bill Nye the Science Guy” Where Bill Teaches You and Your Horny Friend How To Create a Woman With Your Computer

Posted on September 15, 2022 by Dan Rice

Whether you’re a parent trying to educate your children, a nostalgic ‘90s kid, or just an idiot who still needs basic science explained to you, Bill Nye The Science Guy is the infotainment you need! Unfortunately, not every episode has aged well.

In light of the modern cultural climate, Noggin has decided to pull the episode of Bill Nye The Science Guy in which Bill instructs you and your horn-dog buddy to put bras on your head and use your computer to create a nubile, godlike woman who will obey your every command from it’s streaming library.

The show is now prefaced with the following message from Noggin:

“Due to its antiquated objectification of women, the ethical questions raised by creating sentient life, and the threat to national security presented by the ownership of an omnipotent sex woman, we have decided to pull the episode of Bill Nye The Science Guy titled “Build-a-babe.” Enjoy the comparatively more wholesome episodes about building potato clocks and what clouds are.”

While this is objectively the right call, we made the mistake of asking what you think about Noggin’s decision on Twitter. Here are the top replies:

“First I can’t see Ken Jeong in blackface, and now this? Thanks a lot, lib-cucks!”
@electricboogadude

“I would not personally allow my horny stepson to watch that particular episode, but it should be my choice, not the choice of a corporation.”
@SonSoHorny6969

“When I was growing up me and my buddy Mark (my horniest friend at the time) made a woman on our computer. She made us a gang of mutant bikers, and they took over our entire town. Looking back on it now, it was a formative experience and probably the best summer of my whole life.”
@finnwolfhard

“Kids today are being robbed of a real childhood. They don’t go outside anymore, they live on their goddam phones, and they don’t create sentient computer gods that are also super hot. It’s sad.”
@HornyMark_09