The worst part of home ownership is the constant maintenance, after property taxes, the insane paperwork of mortgages, and the looming sense that you are investing into owning something that has no real value other than what the racist oligarchs who rule the economy happen to decide that day. But, really, it’s the constant maintenance. And while some repairs are best handled by a licensed and bonded professional, there are plenty that savvy homeowners can do for themselves.
Here are five DIY home repair tips that will save you tons of money, as long as you don’t mind experiencing such intense frustration that it causes you to lash out emotionally (and maybe even physically!) at your family, who just want to help you and love you, you asshole.
Tip #1: Unclog a toilet using regular dishwasher soap! If you can’t fix that blocked pipe with a plunger because your dumb, inconsiderate family breaks everything, just pour in half a cup of Palmolive and let it sit until it loosens up. The time it takes to soak in is perfect to build up intense resentment, even though you know deep inside that it’s not their fault, it’s your own idiot fault for letting yourself get this mad.
Tip #2: Window Winterization! Did you know that for the cost of some plastic wrap, double-sided tape, and the look in your children’s eyes when you snap your fingers at them to get out of the way, you can cut down on your heating bills by 70%?
Despite that, the winter is going to be cold and lonely, you dumb jerk. They love you.
Tip #3: Drywall Isn’t Hard! Just remember to measure carefully, use a rotary cutting tool, and pay attention to the fucking composition of the walls. Is that so fucking hard? Is it? Can’t you do even that? Oh god, honey, we didn’t mean it, we didn’t. We’re sorry.
Tip #4: Goddamn it, hold it. Hold that steady!
Tip #5: Remove Sticker Residue with Cooking Oil! You might think those nasty sticker smears are on your furniture forever after your kids decided they needed to make that wardrobe “prettier,” but all you need to do is dab a paper towel with oil and let it sit over the sticker for a few minutes. The only thing forever is your family knowing at all it takes for you to lose your goddamn mind and make them feel unsafe is some stupid sticker residue.
You sad, pathetic person. You’re losing them, you know.