Ryan Murphy has built quite a reputation for himself after the unprecedented success of “Dahmer,” featuring his baby-faced muse, Evan Peters. While he’s still surfing on the success of that sexy serial killer wave, here are some other stories that should get that extra-special Ryan Murphy treatment he is known for. And every single one will star Evan Peters.
WASHINGTON — Rep. Bradley Church (R-AL) vowed to shield the public from illegal child pornography by collecting it all on his private laptop, confirmed horrified sources.
“While the Woke Left is focused on grooming our children, I intend to push past their Deep State smear campaign and keep my promise to make this country a safer place for our little angels,” the embattled Republican remarked. “And if that means I have to keep a growing, personal repository of kiddie porn on various hard drives hidden under loose floorboards in my attic to keep it out of the hands of others, then I only do so with your kids in mind. I personally will not rest until every single piece of underage content is on my personal computer that only I can see.”
Other conservative lawmakers were quick to come to his defense.
“Look, I’m not a computer scientist or a trafficking expert, so who am I to judge?” said head of the Computer Science, Trafficking, and Judiciary committees Rep. Dale Edwards (R-TX). “The important thing here is that we do whatever we can to protect minors which is why I’m co-sponsoring Congressman Church’s bill to start a national registry, so that only we have access to this content. The bill is aimed at protecting children from complete monsters who don’t have their best interests in mind. In related news, I’m also proposing a bill that would allow elementary students to carry firearms and live grenades in the classroom to protect themselves from each other.”
Surprisingly, not all GOP allies are supportive of Rep. Church.
“I have thoroughly looked over the contents of my colleague’s computer and I am appalled,” said Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz. “Children need to be at least 16 before you should even think about paying for sex with them. What we should really be getting to the bottom of is the disgusting business-dealing contents of Hunter Biden’s laptop. There could be loads of child pornography on there that we really need to get our hands on and see for ourselves. I feel sick just thinking about it.”
Representative Church is also currently defending himself from allegations of having paid to end the pregnancies of his mistresses by claiming he is using up all of the abortions so no one else can get one.
Is there anything better than kicking back, listening to some records, lighting up a joint, realizing you can’t smoke weed, and then driving yourself to the hospital in a panic? We caught up with Dr. Cooper Allen to discuss shortness of breath, impending doom, and whether or not we will ever feel normal again.
The Hard Times: Thanks for sitting down with us to discuss the heart attack I’m having. How long do you think I have before my oxygen supply is cut off?
Dr. Allen: I already told you, you’re not having a heart attack. It’s cannabis-induced anxiety. The high will wear off and your heart rate will return to normal in a few hours.
I hear you, and in no way do I doubt your expertise, but I think you should run an EKG just in case. Better safe than sorry, right?
You are one hundred percent safe. You can’t die from anxiety. It can only make you wish you were dead. The only way to get un-high is to wait it out at home.
I can’t go home. Too many mirrors. It’s like a disassociation dungeon there. My airway feels partially obstructed. Is it possible I’m having an allergic reaction to something in the weed?
It says in your chart that you’re only allergic to dander and tree nuts. Unless you were smoking a joint filled with cat hair and pecans, you should be fine.
Oh great, now it feels like there’s a hair stuck in the back of my throat. What if it stays there forever and slowly drives me insane? How am I supposed to live the rest of my life with that thing taunting me every time I swallow?
Jesus Christ, stop trying to dislodge it with your fingers. You’ll scratch your soft palate and cause an actual medical problem. This is just a psychosomatic manifestation of your anxiety. There is no hair. There never was.
You’re probably right. Maybe I should head out. I’ve been sitting here talking to you for over five hours and my wife is probably sitting at home worried sick.
You’ve only been here for 9 minutes and your wife is the one who drove you here. Don’t forget to see the front desk before you leave.
Too poor to go to the bar but still want to damage your insides slowly with distilled poison? Good News! The liquor store is great for such a situation. And you can now make it even better with these secret menu items we painstakingly researched by frequently getting drunk at work. Suck it, our boss!
We hear tell they keep a few under the counter for whenever a hot, recently-divorced aunt comes into the store looking to blow her first alimony check. Just start talking to the cashier about “Downton Abbey” and you’ll be sucking on that sweet banana ice paste in no time.
When most people want whiskey that doesn’t taste like angry ass, they usually look to the top shelf (or in some cases it has, like, its own weird little table). But the best whiskey is actually hidden under the shelving units. That’s right, just start digging and you’ll find that brown gold eventually.
You’ll have to run really fast, but if the clerk doesn’t catch you on your sprint past the counter then you’re in the clear. They don’t get paid enough to chase you.
Talk to Benny out by the dumpster. He knows a guy.
The owner doesn’t want the thing and judging from the feline’s feral thousand-yard stare, you can see why. Plus, the adoption center is all the way across town and you still haven’t gotten your mom a birthday present yet – so just offer the owner ten bucks for the cat and try to focus on how the hell you’re gonna drive with this thing zooming around in your car the whole time.
If you can’t get the drugs from Benny, supposedly this stuff can get you to trip pretty good. Only problem is you’ll have to talk to Randolph, the snooty assistant manager who only read Kafka and thinks he’s better than you.
Okay, you’re gonna need a gun this time.
Did you know they make NON-ALCOHOLIC seltzers now too! Wild, right? They’re in the mixers aisle next to the orange soda and all that healthy shit.
His name is Chives, and he will only serve you if you refuse to make eye contact with him.
The holy grail of the secret menu. To pull this one off you will literally need to have a complete organ shutdown right in the store. After that, you’re just an ambulance ride away from freedom of any responsibility whatsoever. Hooray for profit-focused healthcare!
It’s a question as old as time, and one we get frequently here at the Hard Times: “How do I listen to Green Day without looking like a total fucking asshole?” It certainly isn’t easy, but we’ve taken the time to ease the burden for you by compiling a list of certified songs that you are absolutely allowed, no, required to listen to from the little three-piece that couldn’t, Green Day.
Yeah, I’m ripping the ska/polka band-aid off right away. You’ll live. You wouldn’t know it now from their bland output and middle-of-the-road (read: almost no) political standings as of late, but the members of Green Day have long been strong supporters and allies of the LGBTQIA+ community, and this loving homage to Drag is just one of many examples. Not only are we giving you license here to completely love a ska song, but its celebratory message is more relevant now than ever. Billie Joe, if you’re reading this, please relocate your spine and give us more shit like this.
Oh fuuuuuuuck yeah. There’s amp hiss AND feedback within the literal first second of this track, so you already know it’s punk. The band manages to rip through this absolute terror of a song in just over a minute, paying tribute to their more hardcore influences along the way.
Punk is about anger and rebellion, and boy howdy does this song have it. In response to a music critic slighting them, Billie Joe calmly responded by calling him a “dickhead, fuck face, cocksmoking motherfucker” in the span of one verse that predates Blink-182’s “Family Reunion” by a full three years.
Yeah, yeah, I know. “A song from Warning? I thought this was supposed to be about punk songs.” Listen, I like this one and I don’t give a fuck what you think about it, and isn’t that what punk is all about? Also, they hired a real dominatrix to whip their sound engineer, producing the screams you hear at the beginning. Pretty damn punk if you ask me.
Green Day were calling out nepo-babies before most of the generation that coined the term was even born. Billie Joe, however, takes the lyrics here to a darker place, embodying the character of a rich kid waiting for their parents to perish before getting all of their money, albeit it with humorous lines like “I’m a snot-nosed slob without a job and I know I damn well should”
Long before “American Idiot” was released, Green Day was already toying with more progressive and operatic levels of punk drama. In a song about the dismal and declining state of American politics, the band spends the entire first two minutes building up a single note played at break-neck speed by bassist, Mike Dirnt. A move that shows a major departure from the radio-ready version of the band that existed just one album cycle before. Mike Dirnt once had to undergo major surgery for Carpal Tunnel syndrome, and with a song like this in his repertoire, it’s pretty clear why.
If to be punk is to rebel, or whatever the fuck people think it means now, then self-rebellion is certainly its highest form. When Green Day signed to major label Reprise in 1994, they were essentially exiled from the East Bay scene they once called home. Rumor has it that Billie Joe penned this one from the point of view of a former friend after sneaking into the famed punk venue, 934 Gilman St., and seeing “Billy Joel must die” scrawled across the women’s restroom wall.
This one answers the question “what if the Ramones did more amphetamines?” and clearly understands the assignment.
Mike Dirnt wrote this one, and he’s barely changed his hairstyle since the band started, so you know he’s the punkest one. Before it was included on “International Superhits” it solely existed on the Official Soundtrack of a movie you’ve probably never seen or heard of called “Angus” so it gets bonus points for being a song your friends probably haven’t heard of.
This song is not only a B-side but it also starts with audio of Tré Cool breaking a bunch of shit with a baseball bat. For these reasons, this cut has been deemed acceptable punk listening by the Hard Times staff.
Who doesn’t have a friend that suddenly sold out and went all corporate, forgot about their punk roots, but not before stealing your copy of “Energy” which is fortunately back in print, but was still kind of priceless as an original pressing, and slept with your ex (looking at you Jared). Don’t you ever feel like you want to scream along to a catchy as hell punk song that adequately describes the situation? Well, now you can! “Emenius Sleepus” is the most perfect “fuck you poser” jam ever written, and is sure to brighten your day while stuck thinking about what your scene could have been if Jared never went to business school. (Go buy a copy of “Dookie” in our store)
A song so nice they recorded it twice. Spring for the Dookie version, though, because it doesn’t make you less punk to like things that sound halfway decent. (Go buy a copy of “Dookie” in our store)
I know this one isn’t really a “punk” song, but let’s be real: You’re probably in your mid to late thirties now and you need to look after your blood pressure. Not everything needs to be all fast and angry all the time. You’re allowed to sit and chill to a surf instrumental. You deserve to be happy.
Alright, back at it! You can listen to the lead in “Brain Stew” if you really want to, but you already know it and it’s basically the same thing over and over again, so go ahead and smash that skip button and slam dance, or tap your finger, or whatever you can do that won’t alert your boss to the fact that you’re reading this article instead of entering data or some shit.
Look, I love it. You love it. We all fucking love it. Let’s take the bullshit guard down and admit once in for all that this song is a total fucking bop, and probably the reason you love punk music to begin with. (Go buy a copy of “Dookie” in our store)
MILWAUKEE, Wisc. — Organizers of the newly resurrected Milwaukee Metal Fest announced all attendees must adhere to a strict 12 beer minimum upon entering the venue, pregaming ticket holders reported.
“Being this is the grand return of a festival of this magnitude, we want to ensure that we’ve cultivated an environment to induce the ideal amount of headbanging and violence. In order to achieve this, we are requiring festival goers to buy a minimum of twelve beers in order to maintain a safe and fun experience for all,” said concession organizer Todd Lipton. “We think so long as thousands of metalheads are as loaded as possible in a confined space, we can make this the most memorable Metal Fest yet. However, we are willing to let attendees in with a seven beer minimum if they blow a BAC of .10 at the gate.”
Some festival pass holders nearly balked at the idea of imposing such a rule but understood its necessity.
“I dropped a cool $400 without question for the three-day pass, so I was kinda shocked I’d also have to spend at least another $100 on drink tickets when I get there. Though in all fairness I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed a single metal show or album without crushing a six-pack first, so this is a pretty fair deal,” said Chris Eyers. “Plus I’m from the Midwest so this is actually a steal considering my buddies and I would kill a bottle of Jack Daniels before high school football games, so hell yes I’ll blow out my liver to see Napalm Death.”
Milwaukee natives expressed concern over the festival’s return to the area but knew deep down it would be a boon for the economy.
“I never understood the metal scene, and frankly I find it terrifying. I find the indecipherable logos unnerving. But outside of the Brewers, most people don’t pay much attention to our city, so if it gets folks to spend money in our city then I’m all for it. And everyone knows that nearly everything we do here in Wisconsin is best enjoyed when three sheets to the wind,” said lifelong resident Arthur Hendricks. “I just hope there’s less public defecation than the last time the festival was in town. Hard to take the wife polka dancing when the whole town smells like beer shits.”
Additionally, Metal Fest organizers announced that any attendee there to see Crowbar may only enter with a minimum of three ounces of weed on their person.
Photo by Psunderground.
Pop punk royalty Blink-182 have gone through a ton of eras. There are the infamous Matt Skiba and Scott Raynor eras, but then there are the less remembered ones like the comically oversized Dickies shorts era or the oral sex and fart jokes era, which started in the mid-90s and ended like two years ago. We decided to sift through the various stages of Blinkdom and ranked every one of their albums accordingly.
The Skiba experiment proved to be extremely adequate, and just when we finally got used to this lineup last year they went ahead and went back to normal. There were definitely worse options out there to replace Tom DeLonge. Just imagine Blink-182 with Rome or Blink-182 featuring the singer of Creed. Things could’ve been disastrous.
Play it again: “Bored to Death” (It’s kind of like one of those YouTube videos titled “What If Alkaline Trio Wrote a Blink-182 Song?”)
Skip it: “California,” “Los Angeles,” and “San Diego” (We don’t need any more songs about this state. Give New Mexico some attention for a change.)
We like Matt Skiba and all, but he doesn’t do that thing where he pronounces “head” as “yead” like a certain DeLonge does and by golly, it’s one of the reasons we like Blink in the first place.
Play it again: “Generational Divide” (It’s 50 seconds long so by coincidence it leaves you wanting more.)
Skip it: “Black Rain” (On paper, this is an Alkaline Trio song. Get your bands straight, dude.)
Don’t be fooled by the rough demo-like audio quality, there are a lot of bright spots on this album. From Tom’s slick guitar in “M+M’s” or Mark’s catchy bassline in “Carousel,” their musicianship is prevalent early on in their career despite their attempts to undermine it with edgelord humor that would only crush in a middle school setting.
Play it again: “Wasting Time” (Feels like prime Blink before their prime.)
Skip it: “Depends” (The lyrics are about uncontrollably shitting and pissing yourself in public. Can’t relate, personally.)
A lot of good things are happening on this album, but it also has major Angels and Airwaves energy. Clearly, Tom is knee-deep in that era where he believes aliens, UFOs, and outer space are real. That being said, I guess an A&A vibe is sort of preferable to Travis Barker pulling them in an Aquabats direction.
Play it again: “Heart’s All Gone”
Skip it: “Fighting the Gravity” (This one is trying to be the slower-paced “I Miss You” or “Adam’s Song” of the album, but it just doesn’t live up to it.)
If you’re someone who likes records to contain a skit about having sexual relations with a horse and another where a dog is heard audibly slurping Mark Hoppus’ urine out of a toilet then buddy, do I have an album for you. Solid from start to finish otherwise.
Play it again: “Dammit” (Checks all the Blink-182 boxes.)
Skip it: “Josie” (Their idea of a love song is just a list of things a girl named Josie does for them. What’re YOU bringing to the table in the relationship, Blink?)
It’s never a good sign when a band’s fifth album is self-titled or worse yet untitled, but this one is an exception. It also somehow feels like their most adult one up to that point. They grow up fast, don’t they? And just like real life: When you finally put it all together, you take an eight-year break to focus on less lucrative hobbies.
Play it again: “All Of This” (Turns out, goth legend Robert Smith is a pop punk guy and makes an appearance on this track.)
Skip it: “Stockholm Syndrome” (You can tell Blink is really trying to grow artistically here. Gross.)
Remember that brief moment of time during that summer just after you graduated high school but right before you had to choose between taking out crippling student loan debt that would take decades to pay off or else being disqualified from 85% of careers? That’s this album. Aggressively carefree even though shit’s about to get real any minute now.
Play it again: “Anthem Part Two” (Finally a sequel to “Anthem.”)
Skip it: “Happy Holidays, You Bastard” (This one isn’t relevant 11 months out of the year, but you can move it to the “play it again” portion in December.)
Not exactly going against the grain with this pick. An intellectually savvy critic might subvert expectations and go with “Neighborhoods” or dare I say “California.” But we’re not real music journalists. We dropped out of community college. Anyway, this is the one.
Play it again: Yes.
Skip it: If you’re not into pop punk, skip this discography entirely.
NAMPA, Idaho — Conservative dad David Olmstead vowed to protect his children from drag shows as well as apparently play dates, dentist appointments, school events, and Disneyland, according to sources close to the family.
“It has no artistic value and results in long-term cognitive damage,” said Olmstead, handing his youngest a PS5 controller. “If my kids want to watch an adult-oriented show, they can watch me crush this case of Miller High Life, and get the high score on skeeball downtown at the bar-cade. They’re too young to know what they want, whether that be drag queen story hour or me showing up to their birthday. Whenever that is.”
Drag became a hot-button issue this year when Tennessee became the first state to ban performances on public property, prompting activists on both sides to speak out.
“I thought this town would be flattered to have a drag scene,” said drag queen Sack Rilegious. “This shithole just got an Urban Outfitters two years ago. It reminds me of when Del Taco opened in this area and people protested because they were afraid of the type of customer ‘ethnic food’ would attract. If you don’t like drag shows, don’t go. You don’t see me spending my time protesting intramural frisbee clubs and SantaCon pub crawls.”
While many consider drag to be an artistic expression of love, queerness, and music that ought to be protected under the first amendment, conservative lawmakers remain indignant that passing a ban on drag is a crucial step toward regaining America’s white picket fence days.
“I don’t hate drag, I just dispassionately dislike it and it makes me want to throw up,” said GOP legislator Jeff Hogan. “Why would I waste my children’s time taking them to a drag show when they could be home playing Candy Crush, reading the second amendment, or watching me and my wife throw plates at each other after dinner? The only thing worse than drag is books, and they’ve somehow managed to combine the two. Well not on my watch.”
At press time, Olmstead was seen not taking his kids out for ice cream followed by not reading them a bedtime story.
Unless you’ve been living in a cave on Tiny Planet for the last few months, you know that Justin Roiland’s career has been rickety-rickety-WRECKED by revelations of grooming, solicitation of minors, and other problematic behaviors.
The internet’s favorite titular heroes are going to need a new voice actor for season 7 and beyond. If you think you’re perfect for the role, we have good news! A number of mood-stabilizing medications are available to help treat you.
Lithium
A tried and true classic, Lithium is arguably the “Rickest Rick” of medications to treat mania, hypo-mania, and bipolar disorder. Common side effects of lithium include feeling or being sick, a dry mouth, a chronic metallic taste in your mouth, and diarrhea. But hey, as a true Rick and Morty fan, is there anything funnier than having diarrhea?
Abilify
Maybe you think you should be the voice of Rick Sanchez because you know what it’s like to be in constant pain, due to your genius. If so, Abilify could be your ticket back to the same corner of the central finite curve as the rest of us! Get a doctor, and then talk to that doctor about Abilify.
Zyprexa
Think you should voice the smartest man in the galaxy because you’re also “awesome” at self-medicating? Try regular medicating! Sure it can cause dizziness and lightheadedness, but so can your usual booze weed and Adderall cocktail.
Seroquel
Have you been listening to every episode of Harmontown on a loop since 2014? Do you believe this qualifies you to be the new voice of Rick Sanchez, or maybe even a world leader? Seroquel can rebalance the dopamine and serotonin in your brain.
Risperidone
Do you think you should be the new Rick and Morty because you’re an accomplished voice actor who understands the characters? Okay, maybe you should go for it. Just to be safe though, consider Risperidone. No actor is fully sane.
SALT LAKE CITY — Local couple Elizabeth Pearson and Donny Appleton are reportedly announcing to friends that they are “trying” for a dog, confused sources confirmed.
“We feel like we’ve been ready for a bundle of furry joy for a long time, but we finally made the big decision to start telling our friends that we’re trying,” said Pearson while researching the most popular puppy names of the year. “We don’t care if it’s a rescue or a purebred, as long as it’s healthy. Any pup that we get, we know we’ll love with all of our hearts. But you know how they say that some dogs start to look like their owners? I’m not going to lie, we both think that would be pretty swell.”
Dominic Underwood, a longtime friend, is pretty worried about the way this was announced.
“Look, we’re not stupid. We know Liz and Donny are a little naive at times, but this ‘trying’ announcement has pushed me from confused to concerned. It’s like they’re taking this dog parent thing way too literal,” said Underwood. “There were several times where they made reference to a stork in their announcement. I was nervous that they were just sitting around and waiting for a dog to appear on their doorstep, so I asked them to at least go talk to my friend at the shelter.”
Jeffrey Correa has volunteered at a local shelter in the city for years.
“Technically, we do have to interview people to make sure they’re not complete psychopaths. But it’s really a formality. We’ll basically give anyone a dog if they just sign their name on a form and give us about 20 bucks,” said Correa. “This couple I just met though, oh my god. I’m not so sure. They told me they were being responsible, not drinking and even gave up caffeine now that they’re trying for a dog. The more they talked about ‘doggie-proofing’ their home, the more I wondered how they survived this long in the world. Like, how do they not get hit by a bus? I’m starting to wonder if it’d be considered animal cruelty to give them a dog at this point.”
At press time, the couple had started sending invites for a dog gender reveal party after discovering their application to adopt was approved.
