As an American student, I’m unable to afford the finer things in life like housing and food, so I still live at home. You can’t beat the price! Unfortunately, it makes my parents feel entitled to volunteer my time. When Aunt Judy needed a babysitter for her weekly sip-and-paint circle, they were more than happy to offer their help, which apparently meant me.
Maybe it’s weaponized incompetence or maybe I’m just bored, but I’ve decided to psychologically destroy these pre-teens with horror movies.
I’m not a complete monster, I’m sparing them the heavy stuff. No true crime, no Video Nasties, no hardcore sexual violence. Instead, I’m going to rise to the challenge of scarring them for life armed with nothing but brief nudity and intense gore effects.
50. Chopping Mall
Not the most extreme movie on the list, but I figure I’ll start them off with some lite, campy fun, and there’s still a head explosion here that’s bound to make them lose at least a little sleep.
49. The Lost Boys
An absolute classic, and with plenty of genuine scares. It only ranks low on my list because of the Frog brothers. I’m worried that they’ll make the kids think they have any chance of defeating a vampire, which they totally don’t.
48. The Child’s Play Franchise
The first one is a pretty solid horror movie, but the real psychological damage will come in the later installments when the kids need to reconcile that two haunted puppets somehow got to the bone zone and make a kid.
47. The Faculty
Gotta start that mistrust of authority while they’re young, it will serve them well in the years to come.
46. The Exorcist
This one’s lost a bit of punch, what with the fact that we live in godless times and all. Luckily, Aunt Judy sent the kids to a catholic elementary school to give them “proper values,” so it should do the trick.
45. Dawn of the Dead (1978)
It’s my honor to introduce these whiny snots to the films of George Romero the way they were meant to be seen: way too young at the behest of a dipshit older relative.
44. Return of the Living Dead
Did you know that this movie marks the first instance of zombies saying “brains”? Did you know that it also marks the first time my 12-year-old cousin Mark has pissed himself since his training wheels came off? What a picture!
43. Re-animator
Towing the line a bit here with my “nothing overtly sexual” rule, but Re-animator is a stone-cold classic. Besides, the kids should be old enough to know that severed heads can’t really go down on chicks by now. I feel like I learned that in the third grade.
42. The Good Son
The kids love watching those ‘Home Alone’ movies every holiday season, so I’m betting after they see this they’ll pretty much never trust anyone again.
41. Funny Games
What a privilege it is to instill a fear in these children that will be with them the rest of their lives, home invasion! I hope Aunt Judy enjoys running up and down the stairs all night, triple checking that the doors and windows are locked at bedtime for the foreseeable future.
40. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
While this is a movie most would consider irresponsible to screen for children, again, I maintain that I’m actually doing my young cousins a service here. Texas is hell, and they should learn to stay far away from it.
39. American Psycho
My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my babysitting. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of “responsible adult who can be trusted to watch children” is about to slip.
38. House of 1000 Corpses
I know a lot of you are going to say this one is dumb or overrated, but that’s because you watched it as an adult who grew up with White Zombie videos. Trust me, this is going to screw them up.
37. Train to Busan
Now that the kids have a firm grasp on zombies, it’s time to show them something a little bit closer to the real-life pandemics we all know and love. While they’re hiding under the covers, I’m laughing over how hard it’s going to be to get them on the subway for any New York field trip from here on out.
36. Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)
“The Faculty” taught my cousins to be paranoid about their teachers. This movie will teach them to be paranoid about everyone else. I can’t wait to steal whatever pills they wind up on.
35. The Blair Witch Project
I have it on good authority that the kids have never heard of this movie, so I might actually be able to sell them on the whole “found footage” angle. If I can convince these little dweebs that I just found this thing at a thrift shop and witches are real, it will be the proudest achievement of my life.
34. Paranormal Activity
While they were watching this I snuck off and moved a bunch of random crap all over the house. I’ve always wanted to see someone hyperventilate.
33. The Stepfather
Honestly, I just don’t trust Aunt Judy’s new boyfriend. Homeboy rocks a lot of American flag variant shirts, and I figured showing her kids this movie is the best way to get them to steer clear and stay vigilant.
32. 28 Days Later
With Covid fresh in their young, impressionable minds this one is bound to do some serious damage. To add to the effect I’m going to spend the whole movie complaining of vague flu-like symptoms and periodically screaming for no reason.
31. The Halloween Franchise
If you’re a babysitter and you’re not showing your kids Halloween, you are missing out on one of the greatest opportunities to terrorize that life has to offer. At the end of the first one they turned to me and said “So he’s still out there?” and I coldly replied “yes.” Their pupils actually dilated. I don’t know who their therapist is, but that SOB should be paying me kickbacks.
Despite nostalgia being quite an addictive drug, debut albums aren’t always a band’s most requested or revered listen. This album is only on this list because it is technically a Yellowcard album, and we at The Hard Times are sticklers for accuracy. Plus, this not-so-politically correct album title could never pass in 2023, and this album wouldn’t likely create a rabid fanbase the year that it was released either. The best part of this LP is, and this may come off like a backhanded compliment, that it shows that a band can truly grow, and it does two albums later with new lead singer and guitarist Ryan Key.
Well, where we stand on this one is that this LP isn’t that much better than its predecessor. However, the previous record is happily not even on streaming platforms and this is Yellowcard’s oldest release to be featured on them; lesson learned. Like we stated above, this is the last Yellowcard record to feature then-vocalist Ben Dodson, but many in the scene likely were saying things in the vein of, “Sorry Try Again.” Thankfully, they did.
Self-titled albums are often a return to form, but this final LP (for now?) has too many songs that feel long just for the sake of being long. It’s an overall slow listen, which might be intentional, but a redemptive quality is that the musicianship is truly solid on all cylinders. We like every song on this but don’t really love many. However, the album’s closer “Fields & Fences” is a solid and invigorating swan song track. Insert clever violin or violence joke here.
We know: This should be number one on the list. Actually, no: You’re dumb and likely starstruck by misplaced memories of your shitty youth. It should be number seven, for Pete’s sake. “One for the Kids” is a fun listen front to back and could benefit from a modern re-recording and/or reimagining with the band’s current lineup, if it feels so inclined. However, the indie album has a youthful feel that may be best left that way. Fun fact: Their next album “Ocean Avenue” (more on that LP later) would be on Capitol Records, the same label as ABBA and the fucking Beatles. No biggie.
Imagine that Yellowcard listened to a lot of The Smashing Pumpkins and other ‘90s epic fuzzy grunge in the studio whilst making this record and you’ve got the polarizing (and sole release for Razor & Tie, the label that brought you Kidz Bop and Starset) “Lift a Sail.” It may sound out of place for a band that many know as pure pop-punk, but somehow it works quite well and is solid from its opening track till the very end. Give it another listen if you haven’t in a while. It’s PERFECT PCH bicycling music.
We firmly believe that if this album came out immediately after 2003’s “Ocean Avenue,” “Paper Walls” wouldn’t have been the band’s last release on Capitol Records. Also, maybe it would’ve ranked higher if “Light Up The Sky” WASN’T the first and only single. Yep. 2007 was a tough year for many in the “scene” as there were SO MANY new releases in that sonic vein, so this LP likely got caught in the shuffle. Still, it’s a cult favorite amongst Yellowcard fans that will yell at us for making it number 5 on this list. We’re afraid.
After a four-year LP drought and a short hiatus from all things Yellowcard, the band released a sequel to the record above and came back with a ten-track banger known as 2011’s “When You’re Through Thinking, Say Yes.” This was the band’s first of two, so far; re-read the intro, comeback releases and first album on Hopeless Records. At this point the band members were practically pop-punk’s elder statesmen, and this record cemented such without counterargument. When you’re through listening front-to-back, check out the acoustic version front-to-back for a different beachy vibe with the same songs.
Both Radio Disney AND Warped Tour approved? Check. Both MTV VMA award-winning AND platinum record sales? Check. What more could be said about this record that hasn’t already been said by many on LiveJournal or MySpace? Well, like the album listed above, once you re-listen (you know you’ve played this album on repeat; stop acting hard, crust punks), you should check out the acoustic version front-to-back for a stripped-down ambiance that works just as well. Believe.
This record is without a doubt the band’s second most underrated album (more on that next), but it is most certainly their most slept-on release. Like “When You’re Through Thinking, Say Yes,” the album that came out just one year before it, “Southern Air” is a perfect ten-track-wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am masterpiece. It needs to be said: 2011 and 2012 are critical quality years for Yellowcard that deserve and need more public love. Help? And if you’re in the mood to cry right now, listen to “Ten.” Gut punch of a vicious kind.
Like Weezer’s sophomore album “Pinkerton,” Yellowcard’s sophomore major-label album (and fifth overall record) “Lights and Sounds” was quite a dark and misunderstood departure from its predecessor (in the best way). Sadly, many of the bitter critics and sunny “Ocean Avenue” fans just didn’t get this moody release, and album sales were FAR less than all parties wanted given how huge the last one was. Still, people seem to “get” this album more and more each year AND the title track is without hesitation the band’s best and most rocking single. Don’t @ us.
Lookout cofounder Larry Livermore was never shy to take credit for the label’s numerous early successes, at one point going so far as to buy a frilly cape, a scepter and a crown with the phrase “I Made Green Day! Me!” engraved in it, which he would frequently wear around the office. However, the impresario has been noticeably terse about his frequent visits to the Cayman Islands, many of which were by a private jet, and once, the recently hijacked Goodyear blimp. Several former Lookout employees have posited that these “business” trips were actually a front to smuggle unsold Crimpshrine EPs out of the country to avoid the embarrassment of still having them. However, others have speculated that the trips were actually a way for Livermore to indulge his crippling addiction of gambling on illegal zebra fighting, which at that time was only accessible in international waters and all of Texas. Additionally, by the late ‘90s the whole of the Bay area had fallen under the control of a local political boss named “Capricorn Jack,” who would go on to influence some of the label’s most nefarious later dealings.
Despite the name, this isn’t the band’s debut, but their sophomore album. This collection of sometimes interesting but mostly half-baked funk-metal songs includes a more energized but unnecessary re-recording of “We Care a Lot” (from their debut). While not much of a singer in the traditional sense (especially when compared with successor Mike Patton), what Chuck Mosley lacked in pitch he made up for with a fuck-it punk enthusiasm.
The exceptional title track might be best known as the theme of the show “Dirty Jobs” (hosted by amiable everyman turned Fox News turd Mike Rowe). The charming naivety and rawness of this debut help it just barely edge out its follow-up. There are moments that hint at what FNM would one day become, but Mosley’s singing is once again the weak link, holding the album’s better songs back from being welcomed to Bangersville.
On their final album before a lengthy hiatus, we find the band treading familiar ground, continuing to sprinkle their zany genre digressions alongside synthy-groove metal. There’s an exhausted feel to this album, as though the band’s effort at defying genre had itself become a formula. The metal riffs of songs like “Naked in Front of the Computer” give it a shot in the arm, and Patton’s creepy crooning is as powerful as ever on such tracks as “Last Cup of Sorrow.” Patton himself said (perhaps too harshly) that the band split after this album because they’d started to make “bad music” and it was “time to pull the plug”.
18 years after their previous album, FNM returned refreshed and invigorated, with the reunited band sounding excited to be making music together again. The stylistic explorations are reined in a bit, which helps keep the album from becoming as wacky as some earlier works. Tracks like “Separation Anxiety” and the explosive “Black Friday” show the band is still pretty adventurous for a bunch of guys that need to schedule regular colonoscopies.
Ditching original singer Mosley, the band poached a baby Mike Patton from Mr. Bungle, who reportedly wrote the album’s lyrics in just two weeks. “The Real Thing” could probably be considered the rap-rock urtext, though that transgression can be forgiven due to the hook-heavy, slickly produced and strange album it is. Is it goofy? At times, very much so. However, that silliness is tempered by Jim Martin’s metal influence and the band’s increasingly sophisticated songwriting. Patton leans hard on his bratty, nasal delivery, which can quickly become obnoxious.
Jim Martin’s signature riffage is absent, as the guitarist fucked off to become a farmer, apparently unhappy with the band’s broadening musical direction (allegedly accusing FNM of playing “gay disco”). The genre-hopping sometimes veers too far into kitsch (“Star A.D.”, but when the stylistic forays work, they’re fun, as heard in the smooth jazz of “Evidence”. The spasmodic utterances on “Cuckoo for Caca” make it plain to see why Patton was hired to provide zombie screams for “Left 4 Dead.”
Already realizing the rap-rock schtick was a dead end, the band jettisoned it to make way for the eclectic batch of songs found here. Patton outgrew the snotty vocal style of “The Real Thing” and was reborn as a consummate frontman with a wide stylistic range. Each player is given ample space to showcase their strengths, from Roddy Boddum’s synths to Billy Gould’s twanging bass, while Jim Martin grounds it all with his solid thrash playing. The album was probably a bit shocking to fans of earlier radio-friendly singles, with Patton’s shrieking and pig-squealing (“Smaller and Smaller”, “Malpractice”), fellatio instruction (“Be Aggressive”) and intentionally offensive song titles (“Crack Hitler,” “Jizzlobber”).
