BOSTON – Bernie Callahan, ex-guitarist for local hardcore band Scald, is now performing with objectively horrendous bar rock band Tough N’ Stuff and thoroughly enjoying himself, sources feeling betrayed report.
“I’m pretty sure that Steve from Woeful is going to absolutely drag me as soon as he sees this, but that’s fine,” said Callahan while learning how to play Lit’s “My Own Worst Enemy.” “But he doesn’t understand I’m finally playing music people actually enjoy. People say ‘nice set’ to me and actually mean it. Not to mention I just got paid twice as much as that band made last year combined, and I get to go to bed before midnight. Not to mention I’ve been able to cut back my therapy sessions to twice a month. That’s just more money in the bank.”
Local promoter Claudine Osbourse allegedly saw Callahan smiling for the first time in 12 years while playing “uninspired” covers of The Rolling Stones and Santana.
“I can barely believe it’s the same guy,” said Osborne while sulkily smoking a cigarette. “He used to be in the most pissed off hardcore band I’ve ever seen. And whenever he got off stage he was even worse, just absolutely furious every show that not enough people showed up or moshed hard enough. But when he got to do the background vocals for that AC/DC cover the other night, that was probably the first time I have ever seen him legitimately enjoying himself. I think I’m proud of him?”
While most are voicing their support for Callahan’s decision to prioritize his own mental health, some have criticized the guitarist’s musical 180.
“The guy is just torpedoing his career,” said local music critic Carlene Gibbs. “With this new band, there is absolutely no way he will ever gain any influence or notoriety beyond his local community. But if he had stuck with Scald for another seven or so years, he would have had a chance to reach upwards of sixty people in four or five counties. We’ve lost an entire generation of perhaps a dozen resentful and unfulfilled musicians who would have started as their base. No question.”
At press time, Callahan has reportedly gotten laid after a gig for the first time in his musical career.