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Poser Still Hasn’t Heard Every Band Yet

SPRINGFIELD, Va. – The local community was devastated after video surfaced of Allan McTerry, owner of Narcolepsy Record Shop, coming across as a total poser; admitting that he “hasn’t heard every band yet,” multiple TikTok punks confirm.

“I honestly have no idea what the hell is going on,” complained the small business owner. “This kid just came into the shop with their phone already recording and started asking me if we have an original pressing of the Been Ngyuen Again s/t 7”. When I told them I had never heard any of the band, they freaked out on me, turned the phone into their face, and started going off about how ‘I’m a mainstream sellout,’ and that ‘Urban Outfitters has more credibility’ than I do. Then they walked out of the store and knocked over my zine rack. Now there are at least six kids a week coming in trying to ‘check me and my scene cred.’ I booked Negative Approach in this shop before half these little fucks were even born!”

The young punk who posted the now-viral video to TikTok says he had suspicions about the business owner for a while now.

“Sure, I may be young but I’ve spent enough time on YouTube to know who the real punks are in this town,” said West Springfield High School Sophomore, Danny Whey. “I mean, how do you own a record shop and not carry the new cassette from Istanbul grind pop legends Cant Stop A Noble?! Not to mention the shop is filled with original show flyers for whack-ass mainstream bands like The Clash, Black Flag, Misfits, and shit like that. Where’s Splinter Wizard?! Or Duck Duck Dick?! You should have seen the way he looked at me when I mentioned Kvziku. Like, do you know anything about Ukranian folkgaze?! Nothing but predictable fucking poser shit if you ask me.”

Researchers at the University of Virginia have been studying the upward trend of poser reports over the last decade and have expressed concerns for the future.

“New bands are being formed at an exponential rate,” explains punk Anthropologist, Wendy Wrobleski. “We are approaching a real tipping point and if this trend continues, we predict that by the year 2030, it will literally be impossible for anyone to know about every band to ever exist. This will force humanity into the next stage of evolution where, by definition, everybody alive will be a poser.”

At press time, McTerry was seen looking at the Wikipedia entry for “East-Indian Slop Punk” in order to study for any upcoming quizzes he might be subjected to.