Every The Dirtbombs Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

Electing to rank all the albums of Detroit’s foremost garage-punk deconstructionists the Dirtbombs is no simple task, as it’s so often their sworn mission to make everything they put out sound totally different from the last. The band is a sterling showcase for leader Mick Collins and was seemingly started to show off his wide-ranging musical influences after the Gories took a break. (Seriously, this dude’s record collection must consist of…well, ALL of them.) It’s high time they got their due on our humble site, so please enjoy our ranking of every Dirtbombs studio album. And, c’mon: these guys gotta lug two whole damn drum sets to any show they play, so let’s show them a little respect why don’t we, hmmm?

6. Ooey Gooey Chewy Ka-blooey! (2013)

As a concept, Collins’ long-awaited foray into Archies/Partridge Family turf is a fantastic one, but if my editors caught me giving this bubblegum pop album anything but the bottom spot, I’d be put in punk-satire-website solitary confinement with the folks trying to get Captain Beefheart headlines approved. This album seems to exist as an exercise in “how many different ways can we deconstruct “Yummy Yummy Yummy” (in fact “Hot Sour Salty Sweet” straight up pilfers its chorus!) That said, every song on “Ka-Blooey” paints a fluorescent vision of the Dirtbombs leaving a high school dance gig to go solve an animated mystery with their talking pet, and that’s pretty cool. Plus, we love a title with a “Calvin & Hobbes” reference, don’t we folks? Take this ranking with a grain of salt and a few dozen truckloads of Pixi-Stix.

Play It Again: “Crazy For You”
Skip It: “Girl on the Carousel” (We here at the Hard Times are well-known for our “anti-oboe” stance)

5. Horndog Fest (1998)

The Dirtbombs’ first full-length LP is probably their least focused offering…but since the Dirtbombs started as a “single releases only” experiment, this is something you just gotta embrace. Hot ‘n heavy live tracks like “She Blinded Me with Playtex” and “Shake!! Shivaree” provide a shambolic looseness that most echoes the type of thing Collins perfected in the Gories (although the Gories themselves are PROUD imperfectionists, they’d be the first to admit.) It’ll definitely leave you pumped and wanting more, and puzzled over why these guys weren’t bigger than the White Stripes. But be forewarned: the album cover may have your parents asking you some invasive questions.

Play It Again: “Can’t Stop Thinking About It”
Skip It: “My Heart Burns With Deeps of Lurve”

4. We Have You Surrounded (2008)

As the album title may give away, this is the Dirtbombs at their most lyrically paranoid…And justifiably so! Have you gotten a load of this planet lately? Woof! Here we have a collection of songs about the downfall of society that are as relevant today as they ever were (folks, we gotta stop this society thing from downfalling, and SOON!) Collins’ vocals are in fine form (when are they not, this guy could croon circles around you with laryngitis) and he even puts the echo effects to good use, amplifying the anxiety factor. Throw in both a Sparks and Dead Moon cover and we’re happy…still upset about that whole “world collapsing” stuff, but, y’know, may as well crank up those guitars while we still have a power grid.

Play It Again: “Leopardman at C&A”
Skip It: “Race to the Bottom”

3. Party Store (2011)

The sheer feat of covering deep Detroit techno tracks and turning them into heavy, driving rock songs is something NASA scientists were probably hard at work on, but lucky for us, the Dirtbombs beat ‘em to it. Their take on pulsating house slabs like Inner City’s “Good Life” are somehow more hypnotic than the originals, letting you get lost in a groove while still never letting you suffer withdrawal from those screeching fuzz guitars we know you kids can’t get enough of. It sounds exactly like a rave is happening after hours at the Ford assembly line. The ‘bombs are always taking the time to salute others’ music, we hope they don’t mind us using this opportunity to salute THEM for once.

Play It Again: “Cosmic Cars”
Skip It: “Bug in the Bass Bin” is more than 20 minutes long, which we know could pose a problem for those of you with addled attention spans.

2. Dangerous Magical Noise (2003)

This album doesn’t just want you to feel the steady pour of sweat drip down your face, it wants you to wring it out into a highball glass and chug it for more fuel. A straightforward ripper of a record, this one’s all about fun. Highlights include the “rolling down a never-ending cartoon freeway” vibe of “F.I.D.O” and the “how have these guys not written a song about being stuck in the garage yet?” pounder “Stuck in Thee Garage.” Throw this on the next time your head’s in need of a proper banging. “Dangerous?” Yes. “Magical”? Oh hell yeah. “Noise”? No way, baby, this is MUSIC!!!

Play It Again: “Get It While You Can”
Skip It: Actually, you know what, skip “Get It While You Can” so I can use it on the soundtrack if I ever make a movie. You’d just steal it for yourself.

1. Ultraglide in Black (2001)

A masterpiece through and through. Collins valiantly leads his roving team through an endlessly impressive gauntlet of soul and R&B covers that work insanely well when peered at through garage-punk shades. Throw a dart at the tracklist and any one you hit will have your speakers, and your ears, eating good for the next three minutes. From songs everyone knows off the top of their heads like Stevie Wonder’s “Living For the City,” to songs everyone SHOULD know off the top of their heads like “Ode to a Black Man” (off Thin Lizzy frontman Phil Lynott’s second solo album), Ultraglide is the perfect showcase for Mick’s velvet vocal cords. An absolute crash course on some of the finest American music ever made…and we do put the emphasis on “crash,” since this will undoubtedly have you running red lights from singing along.

Play It Again: “Your Love Belongs Under a Rock” the album’s sole original
Skip It: And grind the party to a screeching halt?! Just think of the sour looks you’d get from everyone on the dance floor!!!

 

Your Phone Is Making You Dumber By the Second, Fix It By Checking Out What We’re Listening To This Week

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Another week has gone by and what do you have to show for it? Though you may be older, you certainly aren’t wiser. We may be able to help with that. Studies suggest that listening to music can improve intelligence as it activates both sides of the brain. Unfortunately for you, it doesn’t work quite as well when you exclusively listen to the same four albums from ten years ago over and over again.

It goes without saying, but you’ll need to change course immediately with your listening habits if you want to have any hope of stimulating your mental growth. Here’s a handful of new songs that should get the blood flowing and make you good at holding conversations again.

Move “1,000,000 Experiments”

In a broken nation sadly filled with bullshit and racist ‘Try That In A Small Town’ rhetoric, Boston’s Move are channeling collective fury through immensely satisfying and politically bent hardcore. Calling back to the genre’s explosive and revolutionary political roots, they are making an awful (read, fucking amazing) racket with their debut LP, ‘Black Radical Love.’ Making up for a pandemic-driven delay in releases, each song carries an immense sense of urgency, picking you up just to kick your shit in over and over again. There isn’t a single miss on the record, but last month’s lead single ‘1,000,000 Experiments’ pairs quite well with a folding chair, if you ask us.

Courtney Barnett “Different Now (Chastity Belt Cover)”

Chastity Belt is celebrating the 10th anniversary of their incredible debut album, ‘No Regerts,’ this year. To mark the occasion, Courtney Barnett has covered a song that isn’t on the record at all, but is still a solid track. Borrowing the drum machine-laden production of her previous full-length, ‘Things Take Time, Take Time,’ Barnett’s version of the band’s beloved single adds new sparkle without sacrificing the meditative drone of the original. Barnett will be releasing the single as a split 7″ with collaborator and songwriter Kurt Vile at the end of October seemingly delaying your band’s vinyl release even further.

Slaughter Beach, Dog “Summer Windows”

Modern Baseball‘s Jake Ewald is preparing to release his fifth LP as Slaughter Beach, Dog late next month. ‘Crying, Laughing, Waving, Smiling’ is promising to be another tour-de-force for the acclaimed Philly songwriter. Much like the album’s previous two singles, ‘Summer Windows’ cranks the Americana vibes up while condensing Ewald’s standard novella-length lyrical refrains down to their most essential elements. If only we could get those in our comments section to take on similar editing abilities.

Dan Andriano and the Bygones “Dry”

You may remember Dan Andriano as the guy who wrote all the Alkaline Trio songs that destroyed you mentally during your brooding emo days. What you might not know is that Andriano has a pretty prolific solo career as well. Backed by his band the Bygones, the Chicago bassist and songwriter has just released his new single ‘Dry.’ It’s a horrifyingly relatable waltz about the pain of growing old. From joint and bone woes to the loss of longtime friendships, the song has it all covered. Before you get too sad to put it on though, please be advised that the guitar solos fucking rip.

TWRP “VHS’ feat. Electric Six

Ever wonder what Styx or Journey would sound like if the singers from Electric Six and TWRP hijacked both bands and forced them to write a good song for a change? That, in essence, is the core of TWRP’s insanely fun new single, ‘VHS,’ which as mentioned, features Electric Six. Every part of the song should be corny as hell, but they go too hard for anyone to actually care or notice. This is a great track to put over a montage video of your buffest friend working out. We guess it could work for your progress video too, but everybody knows you’re too lazy to go to the gym.

Sincere Engineer “Anemia”

Chicago’s Sincere Engineer is at it again, gracing us with yet another scream-along single from their forthcoming album ‘Cheap Grills.’ Steeped in the Midwestern Emo tradition, ‘Anemia’ is fuzzy, catchy, brooding, jangly, anthemic, and most importantly, fun as fuck. Deanna Belos’ voice soars atop a wall of power-chord guitars to deliver the most joyous reading of a line like ‘I’m a walking open wound’ we’ve heard to date. You’ll know when the album drops, because it’s likely that everyone will be screaming every song out of their car windows.

The Armed “Liar 2”

The anonymous experimental hardcore collective (or cult as some call them), the Armed are currently building up to the release of their new album ‘Perfect Saviors’ later this month. That is, of course, assuming this isn’t another patented misdirect from one of the genre’s most mysterious groups. Their latest single ‘Liar 2,’ does well to keep the mystique alive. Weaving in and out of pop, industrial, noise, and hardcore, the track offers curious listeners a major case of musical whiplash. Much like eyes on a horrifying car crash, our ears can’t seem to be pulled away. We understand this may be considered hypnotism and possibly how the band recruits its members, so listener beware.

Turnstile/BADBADNOTGOOD “Alien Love Call” ft. Blood Orange

If you’ve been paying attention at all these past couple of years, you’ve likely heard about Turnstile. While fans have been clamoring for new music from the outfit, we’d wager to guess that no one would have expected them to surprise drop an EP with BADBADNOTGOOD. The joint release, ‘New Heart Designs,’ drastically rearranges three tracks from the band’s outstanding full-length ‘Glow On.’ More than mere remixes, these tracks seem to rebuild the original arrangements from the ground up. Perhaps the most fitting arrangement comes to us in the form of ‘Alien Love Call’ which, like its namesake, sounds truly out of this world here, especially with a bonus Blood Orange verse thrown in for good measure
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Guess what, now that you’ve read the article you can listen to the songs over and over again by listening to the playlist which will be updated each week.

Garbage Truck Driving Behind Punk Band’s Tour Van Can’t Believe the Stench

Posted on by Doug Kolic

PATERSON, N.J. — Local garbage collector Vince LePaglia couldn’t believe the putrid stench emanating from the tour van of punk band The Oozing Lesions that he was driving behind, according to sources who now believe they have smelled death.

“My eyes won’t stop watering and think I’m gonna puke,” said LePaglia while stuck in traffic behind the band. “I’ve driven a garbage truck for twenty years hauling the most horrific smelling things you can imagine, but this is next level. I think I’ve been in and out of consciousness and I’m worried I’m about to pass out. I don’t think there was anything that could have prepared me for this, even though trash is in my blood. I’ve never really been a religious person, but after the offensive waft from that van I not only believe in Hell, I believe we are living in it.”

Lead singer Tommy “Tongues” McCree explained how they purposely target pungent-smelling vehicles to hide their odor.

“It’s no coincidence. We like to do most of our driving on collection day to mask our filth,” stated McCree as he drove by pedestrians plugging their noses. “We’ve memorized all the garbage routes in the area and also like to follow manure trucks around so the local health authorities don’t catch wind of us. We had to adopt these tactics after we were once pulled over by cops at gunpoint thanks to an urgent CDC bulletin that notified them of a reported biological weapon on wheels targeting dive bars. We did make the paper though, which was cool.”

Expert in environmental pollution Nia Jacobs described the punk community as one of the world’s largest contaminators.

“If you think fossil fuels are bad for the environment, I’ve got news for you,” Jacobs stated. “The punk lifestyle is undoubtedly ruining our planet, with more CO2 gasses emitted from the backseats of tour vans and squats than most people realize. The film that grows on their unwashed skin breeds bacteria so resistant to antibiotics that it can threaten entire populations. The problem is so dire that many researchers believe punk-caused global warming is now the second biggest existential threat to human survival. The first is obviously climate change caused by major corporations. Either way, we’re all screwed.’”

At press time, LePaglia was finally able to get some relief after his truck broke down in the slaughterhouse district.

We Revisit That Sick Burn We Had on That Kid in Grade School Because We Really Need This

Posted on by Doug Kolic

I love reminiscing about the good old days. Like in fifth grade, when I totally dunked on Owen Krevsky when a bird took a dump on his greenish-brown pants and I yelled, “At least it matches!” Everyone lost their shit. Anyway, that was awesome and made me king for a day. Unfortunately, that day was when I peaked and I don’t really have anything else going anymore, so I really need this.

I thought that sick burn would be a stepping stone to more popularity but it never really panned out. I don’t know if the other kids were intimidated by my quick-wit and afraid I’d turn my sharp tongue on them, but my life since then has been pretty underwhelming. Fuck it, I’ll always have that glorious moment as a reminder of my capacity to make dozens of people laugh at the expense of someone who, for all I know, deserved it.

Sure, Krevsky went on to devote himself to curing childhood cancers while I went on to feed my various addictions until my parents found out I was the one stealing their organs. Different strokes for different folks, I guess.

Perhaps it’s time to move on and stop living in the past. Maybe I’ll do that right after I design the perfect AI image depicting the events of that day and get it blown up and professionally framed so I can stop letting it consume my thoughts in order to free my mind up for other important things. Like that one time I berated that annoying crying baby on the plane to Vegas then tried to pummel the shit out of his beta dad when he dared to give me lip. “She’s just a baby,” he whined. Well so am I!

World’s Biggest Dimmu Borgir Fan Hopes He’s Pronouncing it Right

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

ROSCOMMON, Mich. – Local bachelor and self-proclaimed world’s biggest Dimmu Borgir fan Eric Sandstrom still isn’t sure if he’s pronouncing the band’s name correctly, giggling sources reported.

“Nobody is a bigger Die-myu Borjger fan than I am,” said Sandstrom from his bed while lying on his stomach cutting out pictures of the band from a magazine. “Or maybe it’s Deemuh Borger. Demon Burger? Demu Booger? I don’t know, but if you think I’m any less of a fan because I’ve only read their name in print you can fuck the fuck off. I have all of their albums, EPs, bootlegs, compilations, DVDs, and everything in between. So what if I’ve never heard anyone pronounce their name out loud? Don’t fuckin’ hold that against me.”

Dimmu Borgir singer Stian ‘Shagrath’ Thoresen caught wind of the predicament.

“Ah yes, that fucking poser from Michigan,” cackled Sagrath while posting about how much of an idiot Sandstrom is to the band’s 1.5 million Facebook followers. “This moron claims to be our biggest fan, but he can’t even say the name? Such a loser. When you’ve been a band for as long as we have you come across some strange fans, but they could always say the fucking name at least. Jesus Christ. Next time we’re in the area I’ll bring him up and make him mispronounce our name on stage, so that everyone can publicly ridicule and laugh at his stupid fucking life.”

Many Americans struggle with the pronunciation of European band names, according to language expert Guillermo Thorburn.

“I’m not surprised that someone can’t pronounce Dimmu Borgir,” said Thorburn while using a fake British accent that was super annoying. “A lot of yanks find it difficult to navigate the complex world of European G’s, J’s, Y’s, and double-L ‘eya’ sounds of Spanish. And we haven’t even gotten to the vowels. A few tiny dots or circles can change an ‘Ooo’ sound to ‘Ouo’, ‘ahh’ to ‘aeh’, or ‘eei’ to ‘eeii’. While it might not seem like a big deal to you, that kind of misstep can be the difference between something as innocent as asking how someone’s day was and asking for their hand in marriage. It can be that tricky.”

At press time, Sandstrom was laughed out of a local record store after confidently mispronouncing Moog.

Every Dinosaur Jr. Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Wyatt Fair

“Prolific” would certainly describe Dinosaur Jr.’s oeuvre. The noisy guys of Amherst, Massachusetts have dropped twelve studio albums over the course of their nearly four-decade (minus nearly one decade, but in a way, two decade) career. Despite the personal drama, the sound has always been consistent — melodic but chaotic, detached but poignant. It’s no easy task to rank the output of the musical equivalent of a group of ironworkers (should they remake “Blue Collar” with these three?) but that doesn’t mean that we won’t try. By the way, none of these albums are bad.

12. Give a Glimpse of What Yer Not (2016)

Coming in at last place is a very good album, “Give a Glimpse Of What Yer Not.” Do you think a titanic musical institution like Dinosaur Jr. cares about which one of their albums comes in last? Gimme a break. There’s a reason these guys didn’t get into competitive sports. Pretty sure Lou Barlow has never thrown a football. Murph might hunt. Sure, J’s been seen skiing and golfing in the music videos, but there’s no way he’d ever have a “coach.”

Play It Again: “I Told Everyone”
Skip It: “I Walk for Miles”

 

11. Sweep It Into Space (2021)

A touch more pared down than their previous album, “Sweep It Into Space” captures a living room recording quality akin to a “Poledo” or some Mascis solo stuff. It’s elegant, simple, and shockingly quiet for a Dinosaur Jr. album. Feels great, to be honest. Imagine you’re on Facebook Marketplace and stumble upon J Mascis selling his effects pedals after this record drops. That might not actually feel so great, to be honest.

Play It Again: “Garden,” best Lou vocal of all time!
Skip It: “I Expect It Always”

 

10. I Bet On Sky (2012)

You gotta smile when listening to this one. While not the ultimate exploration of a more chipper Dinosaur Jr. (see “Take A Run At The Sun,” or as we lovingly call it, The J Mascis Beach Party), it feels pretty damn close to having a locally sourced grapefruit quadruple IPA on an outdoor patio. The jams don’t quite set their roots in like they did on their previous post-reunion effort (which we won’t name just yet for dramatic purposes) but “I Bet On Sky” is an undeniable hit.

Play It Again: “Almost Fare”
Skip It: “Stick a Toe In”

9. Green Mind (1991)

“Green Mind” is cool. What’s not cool about Dinosaur Jr.? Their music sounds like a bunch of amplifiers having a gunfight. And on “Green Mind,” sometimes there aren’t even amplifiers at all, just loudly strummed acoustic guitars that also sound like they might have a pistol on their hip, ready to shoot somebody in the head. That’s right, even the acoustic stuff can kill you if you aren’t careful. Don’t you forget that.

Play It Again: “Blowing It”
Skip It: “Muck”

 

8. Without a Sound (1994)

There’s something immeasurably sad about “Without a Sound,” which is no doubt what makes it great. While other Dinosaur Jr. records like to be unfussy about the volume of noise, this one doesn’t fuss about getting real quiet, falling to basically whispers toward the end on “Seemed Like the Thing to Do.” J Mascis isn’t the type to fuss, man. The guy barely raises his voice above a mutter, there’s no way in hell that he’d even consider fussing.

Play It Again: “Mind Glow”
Skip It: “Even You”

 

7. Dinosaur (1985)

Don’t sleep on the first album, it rips. Obviously the production isn’t the highest caliber, a pretty crusty affair overall – but c’mon man! This is where it all started, the primordial soup, dog! “Mountain Man” is like, a character study about a survivalist? “Heard the snowcats calling?” Basically high fantasy. And in “Quest,” he talks about eating caterpillars. This might as well be Baldur’s Gate.

Play It Again: “Forget the Swan,” with a bullet
Skip It: “Pointless”

 

6. Beyond (2007)

Uh, yeah…I’m thinking they’re back! While perhaps not reaching the highs of another post-reunion record that you’ll see shortly, this is a hell of a comeback album. Reunited in earnest for the first time since 1988, “Beyond” molds the ashes of the original trio into something new, joyous, sustainable. There’s an airy quality to the jams that feels new for these guys, and you can’t help but think that they might be pretty damn happy to be at it again.

Play It Again: “Crumble”
Skip It: “Back to Your Heart”

 

5. Hand It Over (1997)

Genuinely experimental and a product of the (essentially) one-man Mascis Orchestra, “Hand It Over” is certainly out there. And we’re not talking about “Out There.” That’s a different song and it’s not on this record. Don’t expect anything else about “Out There” on this blurb, okay? Strange percussion, trilling horns (see “I’m Insane”), the echoes of a Brian Wilson movement are strong here. No radio hits? Who cares! It’s J’s favorite of this era, and we love it too.

Play It Again: “Alone,” which is likely the best Dinosaur Jr. song of the 1990s.
Skip It: “Gettin’ Rough”

4. Where You Been (1993)

Okay, now we can talk about “Out There.” They put strings on this record! Yeah, that’s right, strings. Imagine, for a second, J Mascis conducting the LA Philharmonic. Big long suit tails, hair tied back into a ponytail like a teen stoner showing up to their court date. That’s basically the vibe on this one, when we’re not being treated to some truly gruesome reverb (‘you know what’ might be the best opening track of any Dinosaur Jr. record) and the most delicate Mascis vocal to date on “Not the Same.”

Play It Again: “Goin’ Home” is a country song, man
Skip It: “Hide”

3. Bug (1988)

A cacophonous, openly hostile listening experience, the impending crack of the band’s sanity is written all over this banger, which is likely what makes it so damn tasty. Worth noting that “Freak Scene” was their first real radio hit, as “Bug” kicks off with this earworm-y single before devolving to complete and utter sonic chaos. Mascis hates it, his least favorite album of the bunch, but we’re not J Mascis, now are we? No, we are not.

Play It Again: “They Always come” through “Budge”….the “flow state” of the record
Skip It: “Keep the Glove”

2. Farm (2009)

“Farm” is a minor miracle, there’s no getting around it. The soloing on “Pieces” and “I Don’t Wanna Go There” goes as hard as any of the first three records, while the sincerity on a track like “Plans” feels more poignant than anything we’ve heard from the boys before. The expected wall of sound starts to feel more like a fortress – with like, a big deep moat around and everything. And not even any crocodiles or archers, either. They know this shit’s gonna hold up.

Play It Again: “See You”
Skip It: “There’s No Here?” But don’t do that, actually.

1. You’re Living All Over Me (1987)

Sorry, not gonna reinvent the wheel on this one. Alternative rock scholars and weird guys in garages across America agree that “You’re Living All Over Me” is a perfect album, deep shreds bolstered by the sparse musings of alternative rock’s great poet laureate. The clarity in their sound a mere two years after “Dinosaur” is pretty unreal. It’s a showstopper. And can you believe this baby clocks in at 36 minutes? If you take out Poledo, that’s like, an episode of Curb. But don’t you dare take out Poledo.

Play It Again: The album “You’re Living All Over Me”
Skip It: Another album by another band that isn’t Dinosaur Jr.

Help! I Took a Week off From Smoking Pot To See if I Function Better, and I Do!

Posted on by Dan Rice

I often find myself disorganized, tired, and way behind on various tasks and projects. I complain about it often, and I started to get really tired of friends, family, and voices in my own head suggesting that maybe I should lay off the cannabis for a while. As we all know, weed has absolutely zero negative effects and any perception that it does is just a holdover from Reagan’s America.

Since weed is in no way shape or form addictive (which is why I can do it every day,) I decided to shut these naysayers and inner monologues up by giving up cannabis for a week. Well, that week is up, and this has been the biggest backfire of my entire life.

After seven days of consuming absolutely no cannabis, I am undoubtedly a better employee, a better husband, and a happier more productive person. I’m organized, clear-headed, and more present. I even wrote a short story that had been bouncing around in my head for like three years. In other words, I am royally fucked here.

I literally have no idea what to do with this information.

I took a week off from weed and it turns out I function better. Okay, great, but now that week is up. Now every morning when I take my first bong hit I’m like, weirdly bummed out.

This is like the story “Flowers for Algernon,” only in… reverse… or, what happens in that story? Agh, see?! It’s happening already!

I miss the before time — my innocence. I miss knowing pot had zero adverse effects and that I was just naturally lazy and incompetent. I want to go back.

I have cursed myself. I am now forced to go through the rest of my life blazing that 420, 24/7, knowing that I am but a puppet who can see the strings. Do not make the same mistake I made. Let my life serve as a cautionary tale: Never stop smoking pot.

Gen X Succeeds in Rebelling Against Society by Becoming Culturally Irrelevant

Posted on by Matt Bieker

DES MOINES, Iowa — All 65 million members of Generation X around the country celebrated after finally realizing their goal of becoming invisible to the nation’s political, cultural, and historical landscape.

“It took serious commitment to fight the status quo like we did,” said Clinton Bower from the sunroom of his two-story suburban home he would have likened to a “soulless prison cell for mediocre corporate robots” in his youth. “I’ve voted third-party in every single local, state, and federal election; audibly complained about every well-paying job I’ve ever had; and no matter what new music format came out, I listened to the same 10 bands on it—I never wavered. And I never missed a chance to call those same 10 bands ‘complete sellouts.’ Every other generation thinks they had it tough, but they never faced adversity like having to let yourself into your own house after school and make a sandwich because your mom wasn’t home from work yet.”

Most younger Americans admit they are unable to identify the nihilistic cohort, broadly recognized as born between 1965 and 1980.

“Generation X? Is that a band? I think maybe we learned about them in school, I think they started the Industrial Revolution or something,” said Zara Wheatley, a local 17-year-old high school student. “Oh, wait, so that’s what mom and dad are? I just thought they were, like, young boomers based on the way they treat waiters and retail workers. They showed me some of their old high school pictures and they were always in a basement or at a pond for some reason. Their clothes were pretty cool, I guess.”

According to experts, today’s victory cements their legacy as the nation’s most forgettable generation.

“This was an entire generation molded by a cynical ‘Nothing matters anyway’ ethos that rebelled against the materialistic folly of American society by rolling their eyes, watching music videos on TV, and wearing flannel,” said Garett Nusbaum, sociology chair at Rutgers University. “Members of Gen X worked hard to abandon their societal responsibilities while enjoying decades of economic prosperity. Historically speaking, Gen X will mostly be remembered for smoking shitty weed and playing Dungeons & Dragons while their parents destroyed the economy and environment. But, hell, I’m 38 and owe more in student debt than the GDP of some small countries, so maybe they did something right.”

At press time, the nation’s Gen Xers let out a celebratory “Whatever, man!” in unison.

Bring Out Your Dead, Obituaries of the Week

Posted on by James Knapp

Melinda Stumkins
November 14, 1982 – August 4, 2023

Born in Silver Spring, Maryland, Melinda Stumkins was a devoted wife, a loving mother to three children, and a loyal and honest friend to all who knew her. Then, four days ago, she learned what grindcore is.

Immediately after her first listen-through of the new album “Bloody Toenail Surprise” by the band Chemical Orphanage, Ms. Stumkins immediately quit her career of 27 years as a radiologist and attempted to rob a Sbarro with garden shears. The following day she went to a local tattoo parlor where she got a forehead tattoo of a vagina and a vagina tattoo of horse dick. Active in her community, Ms. Stumkins then attended a Chemical Orphanage concert during which she intentionally sharted on the nurse who was running the first aid tent. She passed away the following day from an overdose of Sterno, which had become her sole dietary source.

Ms. Stumkins is survived by her husband Kenny, children Lou, Daisy and Fran, and the nurse from the Chemical Orphanage concert who now knows firsthand the effect Sterno has on the human digestive system.

Roy Croce
March 5, 1955 – August 6, 2023

Born in Frankfort, Kentucky, Roy Croce briefly relocated to the town of Fiddlewit before being forced to evacuate when it was violently taken over by nonunionized carnies. At an early age he taught himself to play an instrument of his own invention: a bucket full of nails.

Mr. Croce would frequently approach buskers on the Frankfort streets and ask to jam with them. He would then proceed to furiously shake his bucket full of nails to no particular discernable beat until he was asked to stop. As a result of this behavior, Mr. Croce is today remembered as the godfather of the Kentucky folk-punk scene. He passed away earlier this week from decades of built up, untreated tetanus.

Mr. Croce is survived by his beloved bucket of nails, which the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame has preemptively declined to ever exhibit as an artifact.

Kandace Sprockets
July 22, 1991 – August 9, 2023

Kandace Sprockets was born in Salem, Massachusetts, to parents Exavior and Mysticlina-Hyperboob Sprockets. After dropping out of correspondence college, she worked briefly as a skeleton poser at Spirit Halloween.

Ms. Sprockets helped to found the spiritual empowerment practice “Sprocktology,” which emphasized self-confidence through the consumption of bat ashes. She was single-handedly responsible for the outbreak of ebola at an Orchid concert in 2014. Ms. Sprockets passed away peacefully after being bitten by multiple snakes, which she claimed were her harem.

She is survived by her mother Mysticlina-Hyperboob, and was preceded in death by her father Exavior who had previously died from that exact same snake thing.

Punk Performances on SNL Ranked by How Much They Pissed Off My Dad

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

Since its inception, music has been as integral a part of Saturday Night Live as comedy is apparently supposed to be. My Dad was in high school when the show premiered and during lockdown decided to catch up on some of the classic episodes on Peacock. In an attempt to bond, he, regrettably, would often text his thoughts on the musical guests, particularly the punk ones. Needless to say, he wasn’t a fan. Here are some that apparently really got his blood boiling before I blocked his number as he was on the verge of a stroke.

16. The Pogues (Season 15, March 17, 1990)

So, actually Dad liked this one because he said he knew this song from when he used to hang out at the F.O.P. lodge and that it reminded him of the music from the old country. He also said you couldn’t do that one song anymore because of cancel culture and how come I don’t call anymore?

15. The Cure (Season 21, May 11, 1996)

Regarding this one, Dad didn’t really say much other than that guy’s mother must have done a number on him. Then he reminded me I need to call my mother more, which is a whole thing.

14. Teenage Fanclub (Season 17, February 15, 1992)

We don’t think Dad had any issue with the music, per se. He just didn’t understand why nobody takes any pride in their appearance anymore and that when he was that age you didn’t go on Carson looking like that. And would it kill them to get a goddamn haircut?

13. The Sugarcubes (Season 14, October 15, 1988)

Dad was mostly just amazed that “that Bjork wackjob” had been around since the ‘80s and was in a punk band. He followed that up with something about something in the water and socialism.

12. The Clash (Season 8, October 9, 1982)

I think Dad retroactively tried to claim he liked the Clash because he associates the song “Rock the Casbah” with Desert Storm back when America was still kicking ass. Mom said just take everything he said with a grain of salt because being on disability for so long was getting to him.

11. Rollins Band (Season 22, April 19, 1997)

Pamela Anderson hosted this one so I think Dad was mostly just pissed off that she wasn’t on the TV at the exact moment. Mom wasn’t sure if it was a good idea for Henry Rollins to be performing barefoot as that stage didn’t look very clean.

10. Patti Smith (Season 1, April 17, 1976)

Gerald Ford’s Chief of Staff hosted this one and Dad said it’s no wonder that peanut farmer won in ‘76 if that “liberal” Ford approved of this sort of bullshit. He said he was thankful Reagan came along four years later, but by then the damage was probably already done.

9. Blink-182 (Season 25, January 8, 2000)

My old man said these guys reminded him of those goddamn slackers with their skateboards that are always hanging around the 7-11, up to no good. Used to be a time when kids their age spent their summers mowing lawns and flipping burgers instead of going on TV with their cocks out like a bunch of goddamn hippies. (Pick up a copy of “Dude Ranch” on vinyl today)

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