ROSCOMMON, Mich. – Local bachelor and self-proclaimed world’s biggest Dimmu Borgir fan Eric Sandstrom still isn’t sure if he’s pronouncing the band’s name correctly, giggling sources reported.
“Nobody is a bigger Die-myu Borjger fan than I am,” said Sandstrom from his bed while lying on his stomach cutting out pictures of the band from a magazine. “Or maybe it’s Deemuh Borger. Demon Burger? Demu Booger? I don’t know, but if you think I’m any less of a fan because I’ve only read their name in print you can fuck the fuck off. I have all of their albums, EPs, bootlegs, compilations, DVDs, and everything in between. So what if I’ve never heard anyone pronounce their name out loud? Don’t fuckin’ hold that against me.”
Dimmu Borgir singer Stian ‘Shagrath’ Thoresen caught wind of the predicament.
“Ah yes, that fucking poser from Michigan,” cackled Sagrath while posting about how much of an idiot Sandstrom is to the band’s 1.5 million Facebook followers. “This moron claims to be our biggest fan, but he can’t even say the name? Such a loser. When you’ve been a band for as long as we have you come across some strange fans, but they could always say the fucking name at least. Jesus Christ. Next time we’re in the area I’ll bring him up and make him mispronounce our name on stage, so that everyone can publicly ridicule and laugh at his stupid fucking life.”
Many Americans struggle with the pronunciation of European band names, according to language expert Guillermo Thorburn.
“I’m not surprised that someone can’t pronounce Dimmu Borgir,” said Thorburn while using a fake British accent that was super annoying. “A lot of yanks find it difficult to navigate the complex world of European G’s, J’s, Y’s, and double-L ‘eya’ sounds of Spanish. And we haven’t even gotten to the vowels. A few tiny dots or circles can change an ‘Ooo’ sound to ‘Ouo’, ‘ahh’ to ‘aeh’, or ‘eei’ to ‘eeii’. While it might not seem like a big deal to you, that kind of misstep can be the difference between something as innocent as asking how someone’s day was and asking for their hand in marriage. It can be that tricky.”
At press time, Sandstrom was laughed out of a local record store after confidently mispronouncing Moog.