DES MOINES, Iowa — All 65 million members of Generation X around the country celebrated after finally realizing their goal of becoming invisible to the nation’s political, cultural, and historical landscape.
“It took serious commitment to fight the status quo like we did,” said Clinton Bower from the sunroom of his two-story suburban home he would have likened to a “soulless prison cell for mediocre corporate robots” in his youth. “I’ve voted third-party in every single local, state, and federal election; audibly complained about every well-paying job I’ve ever had; and no matter what new music format came out, I listened to the same 10 bands on it—I never wavered. And I never missed a chance to call those same 10 bands ‘complete sellouts.’ Every other generation thinks they had it tough, but they never faced adversity like having to let yourself into your own house after school and make a sandwich because your mom wasn’t home from work yet.”
Most younger Americans admit they are unable to identify the nihilistic cohort, broadly recognized as born between 1965 and 1980.
“Generation X? Is that a band? I think maybe we learned about them in school, I think they started the Industrial Revolution or something,” said Zara Wheatley, a local 17-year-old high school student. “Oh, wait, so that’s what mom and dad are? I just thought they were, like, young boomers based on the way they treat waiters and retail workers. They showed me some of their old high school pictures and they were always in a basement or at a pond for some reason. Their clothes were pretty cool, I guess.”
According to experts, today’s victory cements their legacy as the nation’s most forgettable generation.
“This was an entire generation molded by a cynical ‘Nothing matters anyway’ ethos that rebelled against the materialistic folly of American society by rolling their eyes, watching music videos on TV, and wearing flannel,” said Garett Nusbaum, sociology chair at Rutgers University. “Members of Gen X worked hard to abandon their societal responsibilities while enjoying decades of economic prosperity. Historically speaking, Gen X will mostly be remembered for smoking shitty weed and playing Dungeons & Dragons while their parents destroyed the economy and environment. But, hell, I’m 38 and owe more in student debt than the GDP of some small countries, so maybe they did something right.”
At press time, the nation’s Gen Xers let out a celebratory “Whatever, man!” in unison.